Request for comments on BDSM story

[D A Stone]

With the encouragement of my writing partner, I have submitted a story written entirely by me, the female half of the team. It is a fantasy that I shared with my submissive called Fantasy Fulfilled. I would appreciate any comments about the style as well as the content of the story.

Be gentle, or I'll have to break out my whips on you......just kidding.

D A Stone (the female half)

Here is the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=112395

 

[Chicklet]

You've written a good story here, but there are a few points which need to be made. (You've probably figured these out already, so I'm sorry)

Readers are especially touchy about two things: tense and POV. Personally, if I had come across your story while looking for something to read, I would have pushed back right away. I don't read present tense, and I don't read 2nd person. You do this, you do that. It is very distracting for me to read. However, the thing that makes it the most distracting is that most people can't write consistantly in present 2nd person, and you do that very well. So, even though I didn't like the tense and POV, I found that you kept it consistant.

Basically, other than the tense and POV, I thought you wrote a good story. It just wasn't my thing due to the tense etc...I hate to sound like a broken record, mentioning the same thing over and over again, but when I started to write this feedback I thought I had a lot more to say about dialogue, description, etc...but when I went back to find examples I realized that I really just didn't like the tense.

Good luck in future stories = )

Chicklet

 

[D A Stone]

Chicklet,
Thank you so much for providing me with your feedback. I really appreciate you pointing out the tense and POV.

I have to admit I've not thought about that before. It is just my style, something I will think about in the future.

Thank you for kind words I truly do appreciate them

DA

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

I agree with Chicklett. I think you do the 2P POV very well and very consistantly. But...as I said on a thread elsewhere... if I open up a story and it is in the 2P POV, I immediately "click back". Just don't like the POV...and my dislike is too distracting to even attempt to read the story (although I did with yours so I could critique it).

I am guessing that you are "relatively" new at writing, which is great. And I know (from experience) that a lot of "newer" writers will write in 2P POV in order to stretch and tone their writing muscles. When a person is new at writing...it just seems easier sometimes to write in 2P POV (perhaps because of the complete control over narration).

Big difference with your story is that it is actually pretty good (unlike 99% of 2P POV).

Unfortuantely, for a series of reasons (one being...I have seen it done badly too many times) I just don't care for it. (th ePOV...not the story)

You don't need to change this style...by all means, keep it if you like it. But my advice would be that you would get a larger audience if you wrote in 3rd person limited or 3rd person omnicient (sp?).

You don't have to...but it could really help if you did.

~WOK

 

[D A Stone]

I agree with Chicklett. I think you do the 2P POV very well and very consistantly. But...as I said on a thread elsewhere... if I open up a story and it is in the 2P POV, I immediately "click back". Just don't like the POV...and my dislike is too distracting to even attempt to read the story (although I did with yours so I could critique it).

I am guessing that you are "relatively" new at writing, which is great. And I know (from experience) that a lot of "newer" writers will write in 2P POV in order to stretch and tone their writing muscles. When a person is new at writing...it just seems easier sometimes to write in 2P POV (perhaps because of the complete control over narration).

Big difference with your story is that it is actually pretty good (unlike 99% of 2P POV).

Unfortuantely, for a series of reasons (one being...I have seen it done badly too many times) I just don't care for it. (th ePOV...not the story)

You don't need to change this style...by all means, keep it if you like it. But my advice would be that you would get a larger audience if you wrote in 3rd person limited or 3rd person omnicient (sp?).

You don't have to...but it could really help if you did.

~WOK

Hi. This is the other half of this writing team (D A Stone is actually a couple, in case you didn't know.) Given the feedback you gave to my partner, would you mind commenting on a story that was done by me? It is written in third person and I'm curious to know what you think of it. The story is Devine's Angel and here is the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111369

D A (the other half)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read "Devine's Angel", although the first paragraph almost stopped me dead. Go back and take a look and you'll see that almost every sentence has the same simple, declarative Subject-verb-object structure. This isn't good, especially right at the start. You really should vary the sentence structure to avoid that children's reader sound.

The story itself is okay, but I think there are a few things you could do to make it better.

First of all, we need more concrete sensual detail to make the scenes come alive. Most of your story describes things that were done, and while you do tell us how the characters feel about them, there's not enough vivid detail to really make us feel like we're there.

The second thing is precisely this telling us how they feel. It's okay to tell us she was frightened, but it's much better if you can show us what she looks like when she's frightened--the shallow breathing, trembling, maybe her pulse beating in her throat--and let us figure out for ourselves how she must feel. This is the old shibboleth about showing rather than telling. Good stories usually show us what's going on in such a way that we can figure things out for ourselves. You should usually keep the direct comments--he was glad or happy about something, or pleased, etc.--to a minimum.

Third, I would suggest that you try and concentrate on decribing one character's experiences. In this story you divide your attention about equally between what both Angel and Master Devine experience, think, and feel. This can work, but in this story the situation is extremely dramatic from her point of view, less so from his. Had you focused more on her experience you would have had a much more dramatic story.

Finally, I was kind of confused by the "mild sedative" business. First of all, anything that knocks you so unconscious that someone can bathe you and you don't wake up is hardly a mild sedative. It's a potent anaesthetic. More importantly, I didn;t understand the whole purpose of that scene. Did he knock her out just so he could give her a sponge bath? Why? Is he just into giving unconscious women sponge baths? Does he like taking pictures of unconscious women? There's obviously something here that you find erotic but I couldn't figure out what it was, so you might want to look that scene over again.

As i said, there's really nothing wrong with the story, it's just that I think it could be better with more sensual detail and more showing and less telling.

---dr.M.

 

[D A Stone]

I read "Devine's Angel", although the first paragraph almost stopped me dead. Go back and take a look and you'll see that almost every sentence has the same simple, declarative Subject-verb-object structure. This isn't good, especially right at the start. You really should vary the sentence structure to avoid that children's reader sound.

The story itself is okay, but I think there are a few things you could do to make it better.

First of all, we need more concrete sensual detail to make the scenes come alive. Most of your story describes things that were done, and while you do tell us how the characters feel about them, there's not enough vivid detail to really make us feel like we're there.

The second thing is precisely this telling us how they feel. It's okay to tell us she was frightened, but it's much better if you can show us what she looks like when she's frightened--the shallow breathing, trembling, maybe her pulse beating in her throat--and let us figure out for ourselves how she must feel. This is the old shibboleth about showing rather than telling. Good stories usually show us what's going on in such a way that we can figure things out for ourselves. You should usually keep the direct comments--he was glad or happy about something, or pleased, etc.--to a minimum.

Third, I would suggest that you try and concentrate on decribing one character's experiences. In this story you divide your attention about equally between what both Angel and Master Devine experience, think, and feel. This can work, but in this story the situation is extremely dramatic from her point of view, less so from his. Had you focused more on her experience you would have had a much more dramatic story.

Finally, I was kind of confused by the "mild sedative" business. First of all, anything that knocks you so unconscious that someone can bathe you and you don't wake up is hardly a mild sedative. It's a potent anaesthetic. More importantly, I didn;t understand the whole purpose of that scene. Did he knock her out just so he could give her a sponge bath? Why? Is he just into giving unconscious women sponge baths? Does he like taking pictures of unconscious women? There's obviously something here that you find erotic but I couldn't figure out what it was, so you might want to look that scene over again.

As i said, there's really nothing wrong with the story, it's just that I think it could be better with more sensual detail and more showing and less telling.

---dr.M.

Thanks for the feedback. I went back and reread what I wrote and I see what you mean about the first paragraph. I am still new to writing fiction and as you have told me before, I need to loosen up my style a bit.

The whole drug thing was a huge dilemma for me. In the original version of the story, the sub was drugged without her consent and knowledge and woke up to find herself bound and dressed differently than she had been when she arrived. This created a moral delimma for me because it violates the idea of safe, sane, and consentual. I got the idea from a book I read in which a person was drugged and woke up bound in a way that was intended to deprive her of her senses. And you are right, more than a mild sedative. (I'm not much up on the effects of drugs as I rarely take anything stronger than Tylenol, except for the Fiorinal 3 I take for migraines.) The things done to her during her period of unconsciousness, I do find exciting, mainly because it is an exercise in control. She is totally under my control and I could do anything I chose to do, but refrain, doing only what I told her I would do (with the exception of the pictures, which was just to satisfy my voyeuristic tendencies and desire to keep momentos).

As usual, your comments are insightful and very much appreciated. I especially appreciate the comment regarding showing rather than describing. Now I understand what other people who have read the story have been telling me. Thanks for the clue-by-4 upside the head. I'm going to do a rewrite and try to see if I can incorporate your suggestions. I really like your ideas and would love to make this story better as I intend to try to develop these characters more in future stories.

D A Stone (the male half, who needs to get a good buzz going before writing so he has relax)