Request for a story review and feedback

[MagicFingers]

I would like to get some feedback and critique on my latest story.
"The Mountain Cabin Getaway, Ch.04" in Erotic Couplings.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=152949

I would especially like to hear from Dr. Mabeuse, Rainbow Skin, and Cantdog because I value your opinions and have seen many of your reviews and critiques before.

However, ANY thoughtful review will be welcomed. I want to become a better writer and keep improving.
It IS Ch.04, but can be understood well without having to read the first 3 chapters.

I have my own thoughts and opinions, of course, but will reserve them until I see If I get any feedback, then tell you what I think.
Thanks,
MagicFingers

 

[spyro1123]

well i am not any of the people you were looking for but i will put in my $.02

I thought it was awsome. Very nicely done. I was a little worried at the begining it would only be sex no real story.

My only real comments would be that the moment when she admits she was watching falls a little flat, and that the point of veiw shifts from person to person sometimes for no real reason.

The whole story is building to the point where she admits she was watching, i would like to hear more about everyones emotions and feelings, maby have krystal cry, or show her fear more. Drag the whole scene out a bit more, it feels a little like you are rushing through it to get to the sex.

As for shifting point of view, it works most of the time, but i think it is important to notice when you do it so you are sure that there is a reason that you are making the shift. At one point you shift to krystal just to say she was scared, it would have been just as easy to say "the fear was plain on her face" or something simmilar.

Now i am off to read the rest of your storys

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Sorry, but I thought it was awfully drawn out, and that made it kind of dull for me. You seem to have a habit of telling us everything everyone’s doing all the time, and that makes the story feel slow and kind of flat.

For instance, the first real action in the story happens when they set out on their hike. So why open the story with them first waking up? It gives you a chance to show us that they’re a happy, loving couple, but I take it that this was already stated in the previous chapter, so why not just start the story where the action starts. Instead we have to listen to them discuss their plans for the day, see what they decide to pack, and all that. That stuff just isn’t necessary to the story and it makes it drag. By the time we got to the sex I was bored and worn out.

Or look at the scene where they meet Krys and take her back to the house. Do we really have to sit through her taking a bath and seeing who stands where in the bathroom? You could have had them find her sitting all wet and bedraggled by the stream, and then cut forward to when they were finishing their dinner, filling us in on what had happened in passing. “Dan had carried her back to the cabin where they’d looked at her ankle and determined it was only a sprain. Roz drew a warm bubble bath for her while Dan prepared dinner, and it wasn't long before the smell of Dan’s chili and cornbread filled the cabin…”

Cutting detail and skipping over scenes is one way you make the important parts of a story stand out. You save the detail for the important scenes, the ones you really want to bring to life. The rest of the stuff you just gloss over.

I think you also tend to tell your readers too much instead of making your characters act and speak in ways that signal their feelings. In my opinion, one of the tricks to getting a reader involved in a story is plopping them down in it and showing them what’s going on, and letting them figure out what the charcaters are thinking and feeling from the actions they observe. A really good writer, in my opinion, never has to tell us that a character’s sad or angry or horny. We can tell from the way that character does things and acts. A writer picks out those little telling gestures that reveal a character’s internal states and concentrates on them. We know what his characters are feeling without having to be told.

I think maybe another reason this story felt flat to me is that there was no emotional range in the characters. It would have felt a lot more real to me had Ros felt a twinge of jealousy at Dan’s carrying Krys back to the cabin, or at least a little resentment. I’ll bet that, in real life, Krys would have been a little sensitive about intruding on them too, and she would have felt very awkward about being carried by a guy whose girlfriend was right there. We didn’t get any of that. The characters seemed very two-dimensional to me: always loving and pleasant. Very unreal.

But then of course it is unreal. It’s a fantasy, and despite what I said, it was a pretty charming story. I read the comments at the end and see that so far people have liked it, so you might want to take my criticisms with a garin of salt.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks

well i am not any of the people you were looking for but i will put in my $.02

I thought it was awsome. Very nicely done. I was a little worried at the begining it would only be sex no real story.
I didn't want this to be sex only. The good Dr. thought there was TOO much story. (see next post)

My only real comments would be that the moment when she admits she was watching falls a little flat, and that the point of veiw shifts from person to person sometimes for no real reason.

The whole story is building to the point where she admits she was watching, i would like to hear more about everyones emotions and feelings, maby have krystal cry, or show her fear more. Drag the whole scene out a bit more, it feels a little like you are rushing through it to get to the sex.
I had trouble with this too, deciding HOW to let the cat out of the bag. I think this fell a little flat too.

As for shifting point of view, it works most of the time, but i think it is important to notice when you do it so you are sure that there is a reason that you are making the shift. At one point you shift to krystal just to say she was scared, it would have been just as easy to say "the fear was plain on her face" or something simmilar. (It really is KrysTEE al.)
POV - I didn't want the story to be told from one person's POV, but I will go back and study this and see how I could have handled it differently. I wanted to show the thoughts and feelings of each person at different times.
Now i am off to read the rest of your storys

]

Thanks for the nice review and comments about going to read some more of my stories. That makes my day!

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks also

Sorry, but I thought it was awfully drawn out, and that made it kind of dull for me. You seem to have a habit of telling us everything everyone’s doing all the time, and that makes the story feel slow and kind of flat.
This was a follow up of my first story that I wrote ~18 months ago. They had hot sex 3 time the night before, so it was appropriate for this story to start the next morning. Yes, I DID show that they were a happy, loving couple in the first parts, however, I didn't want people to have to go back to read Ch 1-3 to get that, so I included some of it here.

For instance, the first real action in the story happens when they set out on their hike. So why open the story with them first waking up? It gives you a chance to show us that they’re a happy, loving couple, but I take it that this was already stated in the previous chapter, so why not just start the story where the action starts. Instead we have to listen to them discuss their plans for the day, see what they decide to pack, and all that. That stuff just isn’t necessary to the story and it makes it drag. By the time we got to the sex I was bored and worn out.
I understand that it may have been a little drawn out. Thanks for that observation. It's ironic that there have been many threads where people trash the idea of jumping right into sex in the first scene, or first paragraph. You would have liked my Twins/empath story much better. They were into hot sex by the second or third paragraph there (Ch.2 & 3), which was appropriate for that story!

Or look at the scene where they meet Krys and take her back to the house. Do we really have to sit through her taking a bath and seeing who stands where in the bathroom? You could have had them find her sitting all wet and bedraggled by the stream, and then cut forward to when they were finishing their dinner, filling us in on what had happened in passing. “Dan had carried her back to the cabin where they’d looked at her ankle and determined it was only a sprain. Roz drew a warm bubble bath for her while Dan prepared dinner, and it wasn't long before the smell of Dan’s chili and cornbread filled the cabin…”
Yep, I could have, but I felt the story development was necessary at the time I wrote it. I didn't want just sex with no story.

Cutting detail and skipping over scenes is one way you make the important parts of a story stand out. You save the detail for the important scenes, the ones you really want to bring to life. The rest of the stuff you just gloss over.
point well taken.

I think you also tend to tell your readers too much instead of making your characters act and speak in ways that signal their feelings. In my opinion, one of the tricks to getting a reader involved in a story is plopping them down in it and showing them what’s going on, and letting them figure out what the charcaters are thinking and feeling from the actions they observe. A really good writer, in my opinion, never has to tell us that a character’s sad or angry or horny. We can tell from the way that character does things and acts. A writer picks out those little telling gestures that reveal a character’s internal states and concentrates on them. We know what his characters are feeling without having to be told.
good points. I'll keep this in mind next story! These are the things I can improve with.

I think maybe another reason this story felt flat to me is that there was no emotional range in the characters. It would have felt a lot more real to me had Ros felt a twinge of jealousy at Dan’s carrying Krys back to the cabin, or at least a little resentment. I’ll bet that, in real life, Krys would have been a little sensitive about intruding on them too, and she would have felt very awkward about being carried by a guy whose girlfriend was right there. We didn’t get any of that. The characters seemed very two-dimensional to me: always loving and pleasant. Very unreal.
THIS is the heart of why I asked for the review. They didn't turn me on either! My twins and their friends in that story REALLY DO turn me on, thinking about them and writing about them both.
I do like pleasant, enjoyable, guilt-free sex. I know you are more into BDSM type stuff, so that may be why there has to be more tension in stories for you. I don't know. But I agree I could have given them more depth, but that would have taken even more words. I WAS trying to cut some of that wordiness down, but didn't do it.

But then of course it is unreal. It’s a fantasy, and despite what I said, it was a pretty charming story. I read the comments at the end and see that so far people have liked it, so you might want to take my criticisms with a garin of salt.

Best,

---dr.M.

It IS a fantasy. I thought about this chapter for way to long, on and off for 17 months, then still couldn't figure out all the details that I wanted to. I got enough clarity to write it, so I did. The voting has been good, so I am happy and very appreciative for that, and for you taking the time to read and review it for me.
I will save these 2 reviews and hopefully continue to improve my writing in the future.
Thanks again to both of you!

 

[vargas111]

Use of dialogue

I too thought there was too much inconsequential detail. One thing that slows down a story is unimportant dialogue. For eacmple ther is aconversation oabut stopping for a break. The story could have simply said they stopped fr a break. Save dialogue for points where the words said are important.

 

[MagicFingers]

Re: Use of dialogue

I too thought there was too much inconsequential detail. One thing that slows down a story is unimportant dialogue. For eacmple ther is aconversation oabut stopping for a break. The story could have simply said they stopped fr a break. Save dialogue for points where the words said are important.

Thanks, Vargas.

 

[GingerV]

Just a quick one, it's a technical point. Your writing sometimes feels a little choppy to me, and I think that's because of the repetition.

Just off the first couple of paragraphs:

"Rosana felt something hard against her and reached over to feel it. Her hand touched his hard penis,"

You've got the same verb, effectively, twice in the first sentence...and his dick is not surprisingly, STILL hard in the second sentence.

"Upon returning, he saw Rosana standing naked by the window, looking out at the glorious view and letting the morning sun warm her body as she waited her turn in the bathroom.
Dan hugged her from behind and kissed her neck, enjoying the nice view, both with her and of her."

Here it's the word view. I love the play on it at the end ("with her and of her."), but failing to vary the word choice ruins it.

"It feels so nice standing here feeling each other that I could do it all day."

Again, too much feeling going on .


I don't want to sound like I'm picking on you, so I'm going to leave it there. I just wanted to pull some examples. I think it's part and parcel of what some other people have talked about more clearly than I could. I think you'll be amazed how much a little effeciency will do for you. That last example could just be "It's so nice standing here, feeling each other." (Not perfect, but it's off the top of my head.) Less is usually more, both in terms of what gets described...and the number of words you use to describe it. Picking the right words makes your writing more evocative, as well as faster paced. On that general theme, using less passive voice would probably also help.


I didn't know enough about these two to really get into them, but you did make the attraction between them did ring out to me...and that was hot all by itself. I liked the setting, and the basic plot, but I get so caught up in style issues that they kind of got in the way of me really enjoying it.

Sorry....

G

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks!

Just a quick one, it's a technical point. Your writing sometimes feels a little choppy to me, and I think that's because of the repetition.

Just off the first couple of paragraphs:

"Rosana felt something hard against her and reached over to feel it. Her hand touched his hard penis,"

You've got the same verb, effectively, twice in the first sentence...and his dick is not surprisingly, STILL hard in the second sentence.

"Upon returning, he saw Rosana standing naked by the window, looking out at the glorious view and letting the morning sun warm her body as she waited her turn in the bathroom.
Dan hugged her from behind and kissed her neck, enjoying the nice view, both with her and of her."

Here it's the word view. I love the play on it at the end ("with her and of her."), but failing to vary the word choice ruins it.

"It feels so nice standing here feeling each other that I could do it all day."

Again, too much feeling going on .


I don't want to sound like I'm picking on you, so I'm going to leave it there. I just wanted to pull some examples. I think it's part and parcel of what some other people have talked about more clearly than I could. I think you'll be amazed how much a little effeciency will do for you. That last example could just be "It's so nice standing here, feeling each other." (Not perfect, but it's off the top of my head.) Less is usually more, both in terms of what gets described...and the number of words you use to describe it. Picking the right words makes your writing more evocative, as well as faster paced. On that general theme, using less passive voice would probably also help.


I didn't know enough about these two to really get into them, but you did make the attraction between them did ring out to me...and that was hot all by itself. I liked the setting, and the basic plot, but I get so caught up in style issues that they kind of got in the way of me really enjoying it.

Sorry....

G

And don't be sorry. This is great feedback and I understand some of the issues better now. As I said, I wasn't real pleased with how the story turned out either, so that's why I asked for feedback.

I usually look for things like repeated verbs and adjetives, but I seemed to have missed several here.

Maybe you could give the beginning part a quick read to see where the characters came from. Even then, I didn't do their bios all at once. I wonder if I wrote those any better?
Not trying to beg you into reading my stories or anything, but I really believe some other ones were better written than this one, even though this one is sitting at 4.75!
(Funny thing is, average went down from 4.78 after I posted my first opinion of my own story. Maybe some people agreed? )
What if I had written it well?

Thanks again, and I'll take a close look at all these suggestions in my next story.
MF