Request for a critique for my story Anita and the Golden Dress

[PeeterSteele]

Hi, my very first story published yesterday, and seems to be doing well within the Fetish section. It is Anita and the Golden Dress. I'm very pleased with the response since firstly, at the time of writing it a week ago, I had not read any erotic fiction at all, and secondly, I'd never written anything, erotica or otherwise. I wrote the story to post on another fetish social media site, but was quite pleased with it and thought it may be good enough to submit here, even though I had only heard of the site, and was not a member or previous visitor. I wasn't even sure my story would be approved but it went through without any rejection. I did take time to read the guides here and did many revisions after the initial draft before submitting to give it the best chance.

I was expecting maybe one or two readers, within the first month, if there were going to be any at all. I went in with zero expectations. I have a second story pending, that I wrote immediately after finishing the first story. The response has been a little overwhelming as I am not sure how to process it or even really understand why it has connected in a way I did not anticipate.

I am now completely unsure how to proceed, as I have not had much critical feedback beyond some very nice compliments, but nothing specifically about why they enjoyed my story or how I write, or what they disliked. I consider them meaningful comments because they were a real boost to my confidence, but I want to avoid becoming overconfident or getting lazy.

When I wasn't expecting much, my approach was to just write what I want; what I'm now afraid of is that I will now just repeat the same formula for each story, each time being a poor copy of the previous one, and I really want to avoid that, not just for audience sake, but for my own.

I would really be thankful if someone with some expertise could have a read and let me know what I've somehow managed to do right on the first go, if it's just a fluke, what I should focus on improving and what I need to avoid in the future. I'd also appreciate any perspective from women as well, if possible, as the positive comments have come from (I believe mostly) men. I would like my stories to appeal to everyone who may have an interest in the subject matter, not just one specific gender. I am completely clueless! Thank you.

 

[Melody_Lightdraft2]

As a first draft it's not bad, it needs work. The first few paragraphs are the dreaded, "Info-dump." It slows the story down, personally I would start with, "Anita danced...."
Its the hook, why is she dancing, what's going to happen?
The one thing that my Creative Writing tutor taught was constructive critique, we were also told every word needs to earn its place.
Erotic stories aren't easy, particularly if you have not read any. I like the dialogue, the uncertainty. Keep writing.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I would really be thankful if someone with some expertise could have a read and let me know what I've somehow managed to do right on the first go, if it's just a fluke, what I should focus on improving and what I need to avoid in the future. I'd also appreciate any perspective from women as well, if possible, as the positive comments have come from (I believe mostly) men. I would like my stories to appeal to everyone who may have an interest in the subject matter, not just one specific gender. I am completely clueless! Thank you.

It's a hot fetish story, is why, it gets in and nails the kink.

Don't overthink the information though. A View only means someone has clicked into the first page, it doesn't mean they've actually read it. My metrics, based on a fair amount of content over a decade, is one Vote per hundred Views, one comment per thousand Views, and I reckon maybe 20% or so actually read something the whole way though. That last stat is based on several chaptered stories, where you see a drop of in Views over the first three chapters. Your stats reflect that type of response, pretty much.

You're writing is good, no glaring technical errors (agree the info-dump comment, just above). My only suggestion would be to loose the sentences all in capitals in future. You don't need that shouting emphasis, the story telling should cover it.

Better than most first efforts, that's for sure. As a frame of reference, one of my very first stories is the same kink - similar set up, but girl on girl.

 

[PeeterSteele]

As a first draft it's not bad, it needs work. The first few paragraphs are the dreaded, "Info-dump." It slows the story down, personally I would start with, "Anita danced...."
Its the hook, why is she dancing, what's going to happen?
The one thing that my Creative Writing tutor taught was constructive critique, we were also told every word needs to earn its place.
Erotic stories aren't easy, particularly if you have not read any. I like the dialogue, the uncertainty. Keep writing.

Thank you, that helps! Bodes well for my current pending story as I felt the same about the start and wanted to make it a bit more dynamic.

 

[PeeterSteele]

It's a hot fetish story, is why, it gets in and nails the kink.

Don't overthink the information though. A View only means someone has clicked into the first page, it doesn't mean they've actually read it. My metrics, based on a fair amount of content over a decade, is one Vote per hundred Views, one comment per thousand Views, and I reckon maybe 20% or so actually read something the whole way though. That last stat is based on several chaptered stories, where you see a drop of in Views over the first three chapters. Your stats reflect that type of response, pretty much.

You're writing is good, no glaring technical errors (agree the info-dump comment, just above). My only suggestion would be to loose the sentences all in capitals in future. You don't need that shouting emphasis, the story telling should cover it.

Better than most first efforts, that's for sure. As a frame of reference, one of my very first stories is the same kink - similar set up, but girl on girl.

Thanks! I had wanted to use italics as it's meant to represent how my anxiety/depression feels in my head, the competing voices at work but I don't think the formatting allowed for it. It's not going to be a feature in any of my other stories but I'll keep it in mind to find another way if I do try something similar again.

 

[Melody_Lightdraft2]

Thank you, that helps! Bodes well for my current pending story as I felt the same about the start and wanted to make it a bit more dynamic.

With thirty five years in retail, we were always told to acknowledge a customer within thirty seconds. It's the same with stories, those first few lines are crucial.

 

[Kat90xx]

I don’t mind the first couple of paragraphs being a bit of a wave of info. Could try reordering/injecting it a bit with the club action rather than totally omitting but get why you’d just play it straight on a first attempt Openings are always trickiest to nail setting everything up… (till you get into the flow )
The internal monologue and formatting work too imo - a heavy stream of consciousness! It reads well (in my TP fan head at least!) and really raises the stakes. Can practically hear the MC’s heart pumping over the bass in the bar and a claustrophobic intensity both internally and externally.
This isn’t a niche I’ve read before but am now intrigued to see where the current takes it…

 

[Melody_Lightdraft2]

Thanks! I had wanted to use italics as it's meant to represent how my anxiety/depression feels in my head, the competing voices at work but I don't think the formatting allowed for it. It's not going to be a feature in any of my other stories but I'll keep it in mind to find another way if I do try something similar again.

I use bold italics normally for telepathy between my equine, and Anthropomorphic equine characters.

 

[PeeterSteele]

I don’t mind the first couple of paragraphs being a bit of a wave of info. Could try reordering/injecting it a bit with the club action rather than totally omitting but get why you’d just play it straight on a first attempt Openings are always trickiest to nail setting everything up… (till you get into the flow )
The internal monologue and formatting work too imo - a heavy stream of consciousness! It reads well (in my TP fan head at least!) and really raises the stakes. Can practically hear the MC’s heart pumping over the bass in the bar and a claustrophobic intensity both internally and externally.
This isn’t a niche I’ve read before but am now intrigued to see where the current takes it…

Thank you! I'm glad you felt that worked. In regards to Anita herself, did you feel a personality was there, as I'm focussing on the MC so much due to the first person, I didn't want her to become lost and that she had her own agency too?

 

[Kat90xx]

Thank you! I'm glad you felt that worked. In regards to Anita herself, did you feel a personality was there, as I'm focussing on the MC so much due to the first person, I didn't want her to become lost and that she had her own agency too?

Both characters are interesting! At this stage I think you’ve got the balance right of us knowing what they are and intrigued to find out who they are as you flesh them out over future instalments. As to agency, if anything, you maybe risk Anita being too dominating a personality and your MC too passive - no one likes a wet blanket

 

[PeeterSteele]

Sadly the MC is very much me, or was me, from a few years back I'm drawn to women who will dominate me, but at the same time encourage me to dominate in other ways. My next story has a bit of a more take charge MC, and more light hearted. I plan for future stories to feature completely fictional characters instead of self inserts and to move to third person narratives for some variety.

I'm not sure I'd revisit these characters again, as its basically a "what if" about the one that got away. It wasn't an unhappy ending in real life as the MC presumes will happen, but I don't think I could muster up the emotional strength to carry on their story. I wanted the end of this one to basically be a "they lived happily ever" as a cathartic release as well as wanting to see if I could make a fetish romance story. But then never say never, maybe I'll think of a sequel one day.

 

[Kat90xx]

Sadly the MC is very much me, or was me, from a few years back I'm drawn to women who will dominate me, but at the same time encourage me to dominate in other ways. My next story has a bit of a more take charge MC, and more light hearted. I plan for future stories to feature completely fictional characters instead of self inserts and to move to third person narratives for some variety.

I'm not sure I'd revisit these characters again, as its basically a "what if" about the one that got away. It wasn't an unhappy ending in real life as the MC presumes will happen, but I don't think I could muster up the emotional strength to carry on their story. I wanted the end of this one to basically be a "they lived happily ever" as a cathartic release as well as wanting to see if I could make a fetish romance story. But then never say never, maybe I'll think of a sequel one day.

Totally get that! It’s just a possible pitfall of having more submissive MCs that things happen to them rather than them actively persuing their goals…
Aha I assumed with the cliffhangery ending (no spoilers!) you were setting up to do more. But in that case, I think this is a great wee stroker and solid intro piece, and you’ve left the door ajar nicely to pick up if you wish wouldn’t be surprised if you got requests to!

 

[PeeterSteele]

Totally get that! It’s just a possible pitfall of having more submissive MCs that things happen to them rather than them actively persuing their goals…
Aha I assumed with the cliffhangery ending (no spoilers!) you were setting up to do more. But in that case, I think this is a great wee stroker and solid intro piece, and you’ve left the door ajar nicely to pick up if you wish wouldn’t be surprised if you got requests to!

gotcha that definitely makes sense, and making my future main characters the seductive one or making things happen type would certainly be a good aim for progression. I may not necessarily do a sequel but some kind of redux either adding in Anita's thoughts or a companion piece retelling the story from her point of view could maybe satisfy any requests for more from her.

I have at least made amends with what I thought was a terrible title.

Originally it was just going to be called "Anita" but reading the guides made me think it needed more so just added "and the Golden Dress." Only occured to me this tonight that it could be a metaphor and the literal dress is replaced with another kind of golden covering. Wish I thought of that earlier so I could've incorporated it more into the story.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks! I had wanted to use italics as it's meant to represent how my anxiety/depression feels in my head, the competing voices at work but I don't think the formatting allowed for it. It's not going to be a feature in any of my other stories but I'll keep it in mind to find another way if I do try something similar again.

You can use html to get italics and bold into stories. Other formats too, but when the html goes wrong it can go spectacularly wrong, so make sure you check the code thoroughly.

 

[PeeterSteele]

You can use html to get italics and bold into stories. Other formats too, but when the html goes wrong it can go spectacularly wrong, so make sure you check the code thoroughly.

Ah right, I thought I missed a font setting. I just copy and pasted from Libre Office and then adjusted paragraphs etc in the editing window. Will have to read up on HTML then. Thank you!