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[Wayne Extreme]

Hello All,

Wayne Extreme here. I know, it may be a shock to hear that I am still around. I know I haven't posted much because I got burnt out on writing, but now I am back. Before I start posting a bunch of stories, I just want to know what you all think about my other stories, you know, suggestions, changes, anything. Just left me know. By the way, I've submitted a new story, the third chapter to my "Andromeda" series, but it has yet to be posted. So expect that soon. The story is called "Romie in the Brig", I hoped for it to be up Friday, but it isn't. Anyway, let me know about my stories (I have 18 altogether). Feel free to write anything you want about them, just don't be to hard on me.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First of all, you should have posted a link to your stories:

http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...uthor=Wayne+Extreme&Submit=Search+The+Stories

I read "Love Between Best Friends" because I'm particla to BDSM.

Really, you write very well, and there's only a few specifics in the story I'd comment on:

There's some continuity problems. You mention that she asked him to be her boyrfriend one friday, then you change scene by saying something like "Cut to the present..." But it turns out the present is that Friday night. A little confusing.

Later you tie her hands behind her back, pick her up, and say that she tried to hit you. How does one do that? Also, I couldn't follow the manner in which he tied her to the bed. The description was fuzzy but seemed important.

As to general comments: I think you could have given the actual sex more attention and detail. It was all pretty starightforward and casually tossed off, with none of the graphic detail that makes sex scenes vivid. We want more than a description of what was done, we want to know what it looked like and felt like. I think that might be the main thing that stands between your stuff and some H ratings.

You've got the chops, and I think you can do that. It's just a matter of more detail and description.

---dr.M.

 

[Singularity]

Ditto the Doctor, and...

First of all, the good physician needs to paste the right URL into the post. We won't be too hard on him though, since he carries more than his share of the constructive feedback workload. No lawsuits for malpractice on this one.

Here is the story link. http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=41326

I'll focus first on a few details, that present speed-bumps to the readers.

No? I said no? I just turned down a potential relationship with not only the cutest girl in the school, not only with my best friend, but also to the only Asian girl in the entire school.

There should be a semi-colon after "in the school" and it shoujld also be "with the only Asian girl".

Let's recap. My name is Matt, but everyone calls me by my middle name Wayne, I'm about 5'11" and skinny as a twig. The girl, Mia, is my best friend that I have known ever since first grade. Now by all accounts you could tell she was pretty much Chinese, even though she was born here in the United States, she stood about 5'10" and appeared to have breasts that were right on the border of C Cups. Mia has beautiful black hair and these deep blue eyes that you could get lost in.

In the above paragraph, the best friend is a "who" (or maybe a "whom" though I confess I never learned that rule) and not a "that". After "United States" I think you need a new sentence, too. Then, you stepped on the land-mine of describing tit size. Many readers will find that distracting, just like those who quote penile heights.

Watch the present/past tense mixes, too. You have a few mismatches.

Honestly, my jaw dropped and I squeaked out, "No." Mia let go of my hands, gave me a kiss on the cheek and went into her house. I went into my own house and started to bang my head against the door until I had a severe headache.

By the way, Mia's sentence deserves a new paragraph, and then again when you start banging your head. But I would have liked some more description of what her reaction was when you said no". Matt should have been able to read something from her expression, and as a reader, I want to know what it was. My guess is he felt like an instant idiot who knew he'd been a real dork.

You've got a bunch more switches in dialog that should be divided into separate paragraphs later on, too.

I agree with the doctor that you have an engaging and easily read style that talks well to the reader. Don't lose that. The mechanics and the structure aren't hard to fix, once you know what needs fixing.

And then, you're off to the races with a very good horse to ride.


Sin.