Remind me why I agreed to do this?

[Just-Legal]

My parents hate me, I'm sure of it. Because today I finally put my foot down and said No, I am NOT having a church wedding. My father shouted at me for ten minutes straight, something along the lines of being raised a good Catholic girl and it would break my grandfather's heart for me not to be married in church etc etc etc. Me pointing out he's married to a Wiccan? Fuel on the fire.

Then I made it worse *sigh* I told him he was NOT inviting every relative I have over from Ireland. My grandfather, bless him, is the eldest of THIRTEEN. I have lost count of the number of distant relatives we have on the Emerald Isle. So, he turned to me and said "well if you say that, you're not inviting any of your damn internet friends".

Riiiight, ok, because he'd rather I had a bunch of people I really don't have a clue about, to some people I know very, very well?

So, so far we've fought over:

My dress - I want cream and emerald green. My mother is all for this, but Daddy wants me in white, despite the fact it looks GHASTLY on me.

My friends - Arguements have ranged from no "online friends" (this includes my close friend that spent a week sleeping on the sofa in my flat when she came over from Ireland and the family I stayed with in Oklahoma), to no non-family members which caused a small riot when he said it.

My venue - I'm having it at the place WE (my fiance and I) chose.

Who's paying for it - I TOLD him I don't want him to pay for it. He spends vast amounts of time pointing out he has no money, culminating in me telling him that fine, he doesn't need to pay for anything, and as he's not contributing to the wedding, can he fuck off so I can get it organised?

My mother - I want her involved, she wants to be involved, he doesn't think she does, or argues that she "doesn't need the stress".

Timeframe - I want to get married after I finish at Uni. He wants it later. O...K, because I am obviously incapable of deciding when I'm going to be ready to make this commitment.

Can I shoot him yet? Thank god my fiance is being calm about all this - I'd've shot my dad by now if it wasn't for him!

Anyone got any advice about dealing with wedding planning? And don't say "get a planner" - having a stranger organise the wedding is the one thing Fiance has made clear he's not having, and I agree.

 

[glynndah]

You poor thing. Weddings can be so stressful, usually more so than the marriage that follows.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

It's not his wedding. Perhaps you should remind him of that in a polite, yet assertive way.

I wish you strenght and peace, and a beautiful wedding

Edited to add: " his" refering to your father.

 

[rgraham666]

I second what Vana said, JL. It's you and your fiance's wedding, not his.

*HUGS*

 

[Stella_Omega]

You're living in his house, huh?
that's a shame. Family relationships are always a tangle! Half of me wants to tell you to be a big girl and ignore him and his demands, and the other half knows damn well that's not so easy

Is this sort of stuff typical of him on other occasions?

 

[SeaCat]

oH me oh my. This sounds a lot like my wedding.

My wifes parents, when they figured out we were intent on getting married decided to take over. I didn't find this out until after I had returned from a short trip to another country.

My wife to be tearfully informed me they had told her they had it all planned out, and that she was to be quiet and a good girl. (They were seething because she had decided to marry me, a poor white working class boy and not one of their choices.) When I braced them about this they informed me that everything had already been planned, including the guest lists and I had nothing to say in the matter. I very politely asked them where in the eight names of the darkest hells they got off by taking over, we hadn't asked them to help. Hell we hadn't even asked them their permission. Her father informed me that it was done and once again I had nothing to say about it. He even went on to say, at his wifes prodding, that my wife to be would be spending the week after our marriage at their place. (Yeah right, guess again Jack.)

We fought about it, her family and me. Her brother tried to show me how much he disliked our getting married in the first place and my being unfriendly about the arrangements. He got thumped. My parents sat down with me and my wife to be. We made our own plans.

Yes we had the marriage ceremony in her parents backyard during a downpour. Her parents friends were there, all one hundred plus of them. On my side of the family none had been invited. (Not even my parents.) The food was finger sandwiches and Soda. The Justice of the Peace pissed off her parents and received a large gift from me. He was the Chaplain from a local Fire Department and when he found out I was a Sparky he fancied up the ceremony much to my wifes parents disgust.

Her parents tried to keep her locked up, she slipped out the back and hid in my car. We took off for the Cape and a second ceremony. At this one her friends as well as my friends and family were in attendance. It was done in a traditional German Stye. She wore my mothers old wedding gown, (With adjustments) My Fire Chief gave her away at this ceremony. Oh what a party. )People drving by were surprised to see most of the engines and all of the Ambulances from jmy Department parked along the road. The entire Department was in attendance.) The beer and the wine flowed, the tables groaned with the foods my mother, myself and our friends had cooked. The Police showed up to investigate a possible kidnapping. (A charge leveled by her parents when they found she had slipped out.) They joined in the party. My wife and I, both half trashed by this time, were driven to our apartment on the back of a Fire Engine, with a convoy of rigs to escort us.

We stood up to her parents and while our life hasn't always been easy we've made it work. We've been married 14 years now and love each other more each day. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want, and sometimes that fight means working outside of the lines.

Cat

 

[Stella_Omega]

Cat, your stories are absolutely inspirational.
What a screenplay that would make! And no one would believe the part about locking the bride in the house. The Studios would want us to re-write that.

 

[3113]

There's an easy way to handle this. But there's a trick to it: You can't give a shit. You can't give a shit what he thinks, or what anyone else related to him thinks (those relatives in Ireland, for example).

Make your plans, and don't tell your father. When he asks, tell him, "All you need to do is show up." If he tries to make any plans without your permission, tell him you will cancel them...and you don't give a shit who you offend. You'll call relatives and tell them theyre not invited if he invites them without your permission.

If he goes on asking, keep saying that. "All you need to do is show up...or not as you please."

Don't answer his questions. Don't rise to his bait. Don't let him push your buttons. If he yells at you, stare at him. Don't say a word. Just let him yell. And yell. and yell.

Then say, "I've made all the plans. They're already in place. All you have to do is show up...or not."

And nothing more.

Remind him that you're going to be a married woman, out of his house very soon. Ask him how much he wants to be a part of your life after your marriage. And inform him, very quietly, that if he wants to ever see you again, he'll stop giving you grief now. Because once you're out of his house whether or not he sees you ever again will be up to how he treats you now.

I, by the way, had it easy, in a way. My parents freaked over my choice of man-to-marry...and my dad disowned me (for about two years we did not speak). My mom, caught in the middle, offered no opinions.

My husband and I knew exactly what we wanted. We made those plans, and went through with them. No interference from parents at all. My uncle walked me down the asile.

That's how you have to see it: you and your husband are all that matters. Your father is irrelevant. He can show up...or not. And that's all he needs to know. Trust me on this, if you give an inch, he will take a mile. Stand up to him now. It's good practice for the future.

Best of luck and keep us appraised.

 

[SeaCat]

Cat, your stories are absolutely inspirational.
What a screenplay that would make! And no one would believe the part about locking the bride in the house. The Studios would want us to re-write that.

Stella,

I think I mentioned the oh so lovely tale of how they tried to break us up. It hurt the two of us and yet against their wishes brought us closer together in the end. (Thankfully I'm a stubborn bastard and refuse to give up.) Most people in their lofty towers of it could only happen to that kind of people wouldn't believe it, but it does happen.

I know of worse. A very good friend of ours went through a very nasty marriage. Her family supported her husband even when she told them he was beating the crap out of her. She finally stopped him by sinking a six inch steak knife in his belly when he went to attack her kids. (He survived) Even after this her family has been after her to get back together with him. It's been several years now and surprisingly her family keps in touch with him, and keeps telling her how much he loves her and wants to get back together with her. (Even though he has two more kids with another woman.)

Sometimes people amaze me.

Cat

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Like my parrents always tell me to do (right or wrong). Alope

My sister and her husband got married in the Bahamas, with my parrents and a few people who happened to be on the beach at the time. They had the reception a few months later with all of the friends and family invited. It was nice.

Cat:
I don't know how you have survived life so well. It seems like everything including the kitchen sink has been thrown at you multiple times and still you fight on and appear to be winning. I envey your strength and courage. I hope that if I am ever tested like that someday that I can match up to even half of what a man you have been about things.

 

[cloudy]

There's an easy way to handle this. But there's a trick to it: You can't give a shit. You can't give a shit what he thinks, or what anyone else related to him thinks (those relatives in Ireland, for example).

Make your plans, and don't tell your father. When he asks, tell him, "All you need to do is show up." If he tries to make any plans without your permission, tell him you will cancel them...and you don't give a shit who you offend. You'll call relatives and tell them theyre not invited if he invites them without your permission.

If he goes on asking, keep saying that. "All you need to do is show up...or not as you please."

Don't answer his questions. Don't rise to his bait. Don't let him push your buttons. If he yells at you, stare at him. Don't say a word. Just let him yell. And yell. and yell.

Then say, "I've made all the plans. They're already in place. All you have to do is show up...or not."

And nothing more.

Remind him that you're going to be a married woman, out of his house very soon. Ask him how much he wants to be a part of your life after your marriage. And inform him, very quietly, that if he wants to ever see you again, he'll stop giving you grief now. Because once you're out of his house whether or not he sees you ever again will be up to how he treats you now.

I, by the way, had it easy, in a way. My parents freaked over my choice of man-to-marry...and my dad disowned me (for about two years we did not speak). My mom, caught in the middle, offered no opinions.

My husband and I knew exactly what we wanted. We made those plans, and went through with them. No interference from parents at all. My uncle walked me down the asile.

That's how you have to see it: you and your husband are all that matters. Your father is irrelevant. He can show up...or not. And that's all he needs to know. Trust me on this, if you give an inch, he will take a mile. Stand up to him now. It's good practice for the future.

Best of luck and keep us appraised.

What she said.

When my first husband and I were planning our wedding (a VERY small ceremony and party after), his mother waded in with a guest list from her side of over 200 people, and then started telling me exactly what would and would not happen at MY wedding, even down to what my dress should look like, how many bridesmaids I should have - even the type of reception, and the damn food served, of all things.

I was pissed, but I was good and didn't say a damn word to her.

What I DID was quietly plan the wedding that we wanted, and scheduled it for about three months earlier than the date I had originally told her. We phoned his parents the week before the wedding: "Oh, by the way, we're getting married next Saturday at 1:00. We'd like you both to be there, but if you can't, we understand."

They didn't come, but the rest of his family did, making his parents look like huge spoiled brats in the process.

And, we had the wedding that WE wanted.

Stick to your guns, girl.

 

[SeaCat]

What she said.

When my first husband and I were planning our wedding (a VERY small ceremony and party after), his mother waded in with a guest list from her side of over 200 people, and then started telling me exactly what would and would not happen at MY wedding, even down to what my dress should look like, how many bridesmaids I should have - even the type of reception, and the damn food served, of all things.

I was pissed, but I was good and didn't say a damn word to her.

What I DID was quietly plan the wedding that we wanted, and scheduled it for about three months earlier than the date I had originally told her. We phoned his parents the week before the wedding: "Oh, by the way, we're getting married next Saturday at 1:00. We'd like you both to be there, but if you can't, we understand."

They didn't come, but the rest of his family did, making his parents look like huge spoiled brats in the process.

And, we had the wedding that WE wanted.

Stick to your guns, girl.

Cloudy,

I love this and after telling my wife about it we both wish we had done the same.


Cat

 

[SeaCat]

Like my parrents always tell me to do (right or wrong). Alope

My sister and her husband got married in the Bahamas, with my parrents and a few people who happened to be on the beach at the time. They had the reception a few months later with all of the friends and family invited. It was nice.

Cat:
I don't know how you have survived life so well. It seems like everything including the kitchen sink has been thrown at you multiple times and still you fight on and appear to be winning. I envey your strength and courage. I hope that if I am ever tested like that someday that I can match up to even half of what a man you have been about things.

Hey,

Eloping is not as bad as many people make it out to be. While we were planning our wedding I often thought about doing so. It turns out it would have saved a world of heartache.

As for surviving, some days it's just that. On the other hand most people don't see the good times we have. They don't see the walks on the beach, they don't see the meals we enjoy or just the time alone. Yes we've been through a lot in the past 14 years but I don't see either of us having made it alone. My wife and I rely on each other, she is my strength as I am hers. (If people don't think she's strong just because she cries when she sees a hurt animal, well so do I. Not to mention she lived in a tent with me for a couple of months when wew moved down here. Yep, we were homeless and without jobs but we stuck it through. She did me proud, she didn't complain once during that time, she just kept pushing for the two of us to get jobs and a place other than a two man dome tent to live in. We did it, but we did it together.)

Cat

 

[cloudy]

Cloudy,

I love this and after telling my wife about it we both wish we had done the same.


Cat

It was really the only thing I could do, to be honest. I didn't want to go off on his mom (even though she was a bitch from day one), because that would have upset him. But, I sure as hell wasn't going to let that bitch plan my wedding for me, either.

 

[SweetPrettyAss]

I'm not married myself, but if I ever do get married, I want to do it like most of the people here have said. My groom and I will do all the deciding. We might ask our parents for suggestions and we might or not accept them, but it will be OUR wedding, and we will be the ones to decide.

Having said that, unless your parents are like Seacat's in-laws, you might make a few concessions. That would include inviting local relatives but not thousands of distant relatives from Ireland. Certainly invite friends, including internet friends. White is the traditional color for a weddding dress, bjut this is your choice too.

Your parents may not be perfect, but they sound like saints compared to some of the parents who have been mentioned on this thread.

I agree that a professional wedding planner is a waste of money and a surrender of too much independence. Personally, I would NEVER hire one.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[LadyWhiteWolf]

Oh dear...

After having read this, I was visualizing the stones being cast. I went through the exact same thing. My husband and I had only known each other 6 weeks when he asked me to marry him. He had known as soon as he met me that he wanted me to be his bride. He was in the Army at the time and I was working on obtaining my degree in Animal Science.

Now, my mother is a real dragon. Always has been always will be and I've often wondered that it's awfully hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by lightening. I was brought up Catholic too, by the way. and I'm Irish and white looks bad on me too.

Four days before my husband and I married, we had gone over to my parents house to invite them to a small service with the justice of the peace. Mother being in one of her moods didn't want to see us, so she had my younger brother close the door in our faces and lock it. We tried to call, she didn't want to talk to us. So, my husband and I went on with our plan to go ahead and get married. It was just us and the Justice Of The Peace. I wore my Sunday best dress and my husband wore his army uniform. After the ceremony, we went to a local all you can eat place for dinner. He decided that we needed a new tv and vcr so we went to Best Buy and got them. Then we went home to my apartment and he had to leave back for the barracks because he had duty the following day.

Two days after we had married, Father came over and saw the "Just Married" sign on our door. He was shocked! He asked if we had really gotten married and I told him about mother's bout of temper and he had no idea about our marriage or plans because Mother didn't tell him! I told him he and mother would have been invited but her temper tantrum caused them to miss out. I think he read her the riot act afterwards when he got home, but I can't be sure.

Mother came over in a temper and decided that being a new "wife" that I needed some things for the apartment: dishes, glassware, pots, pans, etc... As mother was dropping me off she said to me, "I don't give this "marriage" six months". We have now been married 14 years. I think she's in shock over that one. lol

It hasn't been easy but I don't regret getting married in the manner that we did. Had I gone ahead with the big church wedding, Mother would have taken over and I and my husband would have had no say in the matter whatsoever.

You get your ivory and emerald gown (sounds gorgeous! ) and go elope with your fiancee'. You'll do what you want, dad doesn't get his way nor will he be able to run rough shod all over you and your fiance'' and you'll take a load of financial burden off of your dad's shoulders.

This is your day. Go forth and be happy. I wish you so much luck!

 

[JamesSD]

Who's paying for it - I TOLD him I don't want him to pay for it. He spends vast amounts of time pointing out he has no money, culminating in me telling him that fine, he doesn't need to pay for anything, and as he's not contributing to the wedding, can he fuck off so I can get it organised?

Ouch. What's supposed to be a happy day so often turns into a logistical nightmare that everyone is just happy when it's over.

I think the money thing is pretty central to your arguements. I get the impression your father really can't afford to pay for your wedding, yet feels societally obligated to do so. Of course, if he pays, he also has the power of the pursestrings. If he's paying for things, he has more say in how many people and who get invited.

I can see why people just say "forget it" and elope

 

[Flyin_Free]

A girl I work with just went through this. She finally called off the wedding completely and her and her fiance went to the Figi and got married. Then they had a small reception when they got back.
Everything was pretty much stress free and their day was as it was meant to be....for THEM.

 

[elsol]

Call Dadzillas and put your dad up as possible candidate for their show.


--> By the way, it's an American TV reference about a certain type of people.

 

[Aurora Black]

I don't have any input to give...

I just want to say congratulations on the wedding, JL. I didn't know. I hope it all works out to your liking.

 

[scheherazade_79]

Going by other things you've said in the past, JL... I don't think eloping is such a bad idea. Give your dad the option - remind him that it's the most important day of your life, not his, and if he's still doing the prima donna act, fuck everything and go and get married somewhere idyllic. You don't even have to be sly over it - he's going to find out eventually, so just tell him what you're going to do and why you're taking that decision.

Good luck

 

[cantdog]

There's an easy way to handle this. But there's a trick to it: You can't give a shit. You can't give a shit what he thinks, or what anyone else related to him thinks (those relatives in Ireland, for example).

Make your plans, and don't tell your father. When he asks, tell him, "All you need to do is show up." If he tries to make any plans without your permission, tell him you will cancel them...and you don't give a shit who you offend. You'll call relatives and tell them theyre not invited if he invites them without your permission.

If he goes on asking, keep saying that. "All you need to do is show up...or not as you please."

Don't answer his questions. Don't rise to his bait. Don't let him push your buttons. If he yells at you, stare at him. Don't say a word. Just let him yell. And yell. and yell.

Then say, "I've made all the plans. They're already in place. All you have to do is show up...or not."

And nothing more.

Remind him that you're going to be a married woman, out of his house very soon. Ask him how much he wants to be a part of your life after your marriage. And inform him, very quietly, that if he wants to ever see you again, he'll stop giving you grief now. Because once you're out of his house whether or not he sees you ever again will be up to how he treats you now.

I, by the way, had it easy, in a way. My parents freaked over my choice of man-to-marry...and my dad disowned me (for about two years we did not speak). My mom, caught in the middle, offered no opinions.

My husband and I knew exactly what we wanted. We made those plans, and went through with them. No interference from parents at all. My uncle walked me down the asile.

That's how you have to see it: you and your husband are all that matters. Your father is irrelevant. He can show up...or not. And that's all he needs to know. Trust me on this, if you give an inch, he will take a mile. Stand up to him now. It's good practice for the future.

Best of luck and keep us appraised.

You're quite a woman, 3113. Admirable.

 

[cantdog]

What she said.

When my first husband and I were planning our wedding (a VERY small ceremony and party after), his mother waded in with a guest list from her side of over 200 people, and then started telling me exactly what would and would not happen at MY wedding, even down to what my dress should look like, how many bridesmaids I should have - even the type of reception, and the damn food served, of all things.

I was pissed, but I was good and didn't say a damn word to her.

What I DID was quietly plan the wedding that we wanted, and scheduled it for about three months earlier than the date I had originally told her. We phoned his parents the week before the wedding: "Oh, by the way, we're getting married next Saturday at 1:00. We'd like you both to be there, but if you can't, we understand."

They didn't come, but the rest of his family did, making his parents look like huge spoiled brats in the process.

And, we had the wedding that WE wanted.

Stick to your guns, girl.

Fantastic.

 

[matriarch]

Some wise advice here, J-L.

As they all said, this is YOUR'S AND YOUR FIANCE'S day. Not theirs. If you cover the cost of everything yourselves (it doesn't have to be huge), they have no say.

Our day was simple, around 20 of our closest family and friends (those that could attend), and back to our home for very unsophisticated refreshments, a couple of bottles of champers. It worked. It didn't need to be a huge, complicated affair. This was for us, we could have done it with just two witnesses, but we wanted to share it with our dearest ones. The ones who were, and are, constants in our lives - before, during and after the day.

Make the decision quietly to have this day the way you both want it, the way you both want to remember it, and smile at the memories. Do whatever you deem necessary for your own peace of mind, and the day you both want.

Congratulations to you, and good luck.

 

[Just-Legal]

He's in India at the moment with work, so its all quiet on the Western front. Mum has agreed to run interfereance with him, and luckily as I'm not actually going to be married for another two or so years, by then I should have moved out. But the place I'd like to hold the wedding has an eighteen month waiting list, so I've been forced into action. *sigh*

Eloping is an idea. You have no idea how many times people suggested we just get married at Goth Weekend (which is more and more appealing if I forget about having to post the Banns. And get my name changed on my eventual degree certificate and aaaaargh).

I can understand where he's coming from. I'm his eldest child, and he's constantly being invited with my grandfather to numerous weddings in Ireland. Part of me thinks he just wants to prove he can do just as well as they can, and the more I want my own wedding, away from the "tradition" the more it shows him up, but at the end of the day, it is something for ME and my FIANCE, not him. I have always refused to be his showpeice.

The final point is the more... fragile one. My grandfather is dying, plain and simple. I know he wants to wait til he sees me happily married off, and every time my father argues with me about the plans he throws the fact that its probably the only thing my grandfather is waiting for back at me - yes, he is that much of a bastard.

Thank god my fiance's parents are sane - the most stressing about this they are doing is his father panicking about writing a speech and his mother not wanting to wear a hat!