Relly need help with a story! Please

[bigdog76]

Hello, my gf and I would like to find somebody to write a story for us. We have the plot(sort of) but we don't have the skills to really make the story come to life. Rachel(Rach) and I(Rich) really like the stories on here that refer to guys watching their gf/wife with other men, particularly the ones where the guy follows the girl into the a bar/night club, sits at a table in the corner or across the bar, and pretends to be a stranger. He then watches as guys come onto his gf and they flirt and dance and well, you know how those stories go. What we want, is the reverse of that. Rach wants to read a story where she follows me in a bar and sits and watches me get hit on and such. Can somebody write that? We would really appreciate it

Rich is 33 5'7 white shaved head. Athletic body Rach is 30 white 5'6 also athletic body

Thank you so much!

R R

 

[jeninflorida]

Hello, my gf and I would like to find somebody to write a story for us. We have the plot(sort of) but we don't have the skills to really make the story come to life. Rachel(Rach) and I(Rich) really like the stories on here that refer to guys watching their gf/wife with other men, particularly the ones where the guy follows the girl into the a bar/night club, sits at a table in the corner or across the bar, and pretends to be a stranger. He then watches as guys come onto his gf and they flirt and dance and well, you know how those stories go. What we want, is the reverse of that. Rach wants to read a story where she follows me in a bar and sits and watches me get hit on and such. Can somebody write that? We would really appreciate it

Rich is 33 5'7 white shaved head. Athletic body Rach is 30 white 5'6 also athletic body

Thank you so much!

R R

well there are a ton of stories on lit, so what makes your idea different?

why would a girl hit on you, and not wait for the guys to hit on her?

 

[subwannabe]

I totally agree with Jen. In most cases, you would really need to be a stud for women to hit on you. To be realistic you would probably need a different scenario. Maybe you are the only guy around an area where women are kind of in the mood, maybe you are on vacation with your girlfriend somewhere on a tropical beach and for whatever reason you are the only guy there at the time and the others think you are alone.

 

[bigdog76]

Yeah, but lets be honest. Maybe 5% of these stories really happened. So, why couldn't this story/fantasy be written. Who said it had to really happen, right? I'm just saying

 

[JMaxwell69]

Reposted in reference to a similar comment /question

It is certainly true that anything (that can be conceived in language) can happen in a story.

However, it is also true that you can lose a lot of reader goodwill if you write a story set in the world readers know and then have the story revolve around an event they don't believe is even theoretically possible. Now if you create a fantasy (or satirical) world, you can (and probably should) have all sorts of events transpire that are impossible in the world we know.

Say, for example, I write a hard-boiled story set in Brooklyn and there is a character about to be visited by two goons because he is late on a payment to a loan shark. (Imagine further that this character needs to survive intact to the end of the story.) So the tension is being built. The big necked goons are knocking on the door, and this poor sap is -apparently- about to get his teeth kicked in. If I get my character out of this bind by having him crap a fistful of crisp $100 bills, I've probably lost my readers (from this story and possibly all others in perpetuity.)

 

[bigdog76]

Right, but We are really looking for a story written in Rich and Rachel's world where something like this could happen. How about they go to the bar and Rachel watched Rich flirt and pick up a girl? Wouldn't that work in real life, maybe?

 

[jeninflorida]

Right, but We are really looking for a story written in Rich and Rachel's world where something like this could happen. How about they go to the bar and Rachel watched Rich flirt and pick up a girl? Wouldn't that work in real life, maybe?

The classic sexist cliché…perfect real life example was a hotel/bar downtown Fort Myers called shooters (holiday inn). Lots of guys pulling up in their cigarettes and fountains and the girls would go nuts.

So you can put a spin on that i.e. money, or a second spin is that the girl is noticed Rich was with Rachael and she wants to bed Rachael so she seduces Rich to get to Rachael.

 

[bigdog76]

We're open for any type of plot twist..Why not, We do our plot, but that Rich ends up bringing the girl back to the house Rachel follows. and while Rich and the girl is banging in the bedroom and Rachel sneaks in and watches from the door then comes in and joins?

 

[mythtrav16]

It is certainly true that anything (that can be conceived in language) can happen in a story.

However, it is also true that you can lose a lot of reader goodwill if you write a story set in the world readers know and then have the story revolve around an event they don't believe is even theoretically possible. Now if you create a fantasy (or satirical) world, you can (and probably should) have all sorts of events transpire that are impossible in the world we know.

Say, for example, I write a hard-boiled story set in Brooklyn and there is a character about to be visited by two goons because he is late on a payment to a loan shark. (Imagine further that this character needs to survive intact to the end of the story.) So the tension is being built. The big necked goons are knocking on the door, and this poor sap is -apparently- about to get his teeth kicked in. If I get my character out of this bind by having him crap a fistful of crisp $100 bills, I've probably lost my readers (from this story and possibly all others in perpetuity.)

Hey! Don't knock the crapping money plot twist! Warner Brothers used it in one of my favorite childhood cartoons, and it didn't lose them any business. Daffy Duck was kidnapped by Rocky the gangster because Rocky wanted a golden egg. Trouble was, Daffy couldn't lay eggs, golden or otherwise. So after Daffy had gone 5 minutes without laying a golden egg, Rocky puts a gun to his head and suddenly he layed one.

"It just goes to show you, you never know what you can do until you've got a gun to your head!" - Daffy Duck

Right, but We are really looking for a story written in Rich and Rachel's world where something like this could happen. How about they go to the bar and Rachel watched Rich flirt and pick up a girl? Wouldn't that work in real life, maybe?

...Or perhaps the girl is a callgirl who was hired to go to the bar and pretend like she didn't know her employer(s), and come up and hit on him?

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

This concept is easy to see without all the different takes on the original idea.

 

[JMaxwell69]

Right, but We are really looking for a story written in Rich and Rachel's world where something like this could happen. How about they go to the bar and Rachel watched Rich flirt and pick up a girl? Wouldn't that work in real life, maybe?

I don't know whether the initial premise is realistic or not (I lead a sheltered life), but the fact that the first responding posts out of the gate indicated it was not probably means other readers are going to feel the same way.

As for writing to satisfy one (or two) readers, my personal experience with that is not good.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Right, but We are really looking for a story written in Rich and Rachel's world where something like this could happen. How about they go to the bar and Rachel watched Rich flirt and pick up a girl? Wouldn't that work in real life, maybe?

The sexual dynamic at work in real world consensual sex situations is that the woman decides if and when sex will occur. A normal guy who can just go into a bar and routinely come out with a hot girl willing to have sex does not occur with any frequency. Why? Because for every woman out there seeking quicky sex, there are probably 500 guys willing to provide it.

To make your story plausible, you have to change the dynamic. In the real world, this is usually done with money. If the guy is insanely wealthy, women will throw themselves at him, if there is any expectation of getting something in return. In literotica stories, the equalizer is often the enormously huge penis. If you want your story to have any believability, however, you should avoid this device.

Another effective equalizer is cocaine. It's not pretty, but I have seen it work, countless times. I'm not saying that all women will succumb, but there is a population on whom this is very effective.

A third equalizer is the ability to do something for the woman. The guy who can give her "the big break," but for a cost.

Of course, these ideas veer somewhat from your original premise. But that premise is flawed.

 

[mythtrav16]

It is certainly true that anything (that can be conceived in language) can happen in a story.

However, it is also true that you can lose a lot of reader goodwill if you write a story set in the world readers know and then have the story revolve around an event they don't believe is even theoretically possible. Now if you create a fantasy (or satirical) world, you can (and probably should) have all sorts of events transpire that are impossible in the world we know.

Say, for example, I write a hard-boiled story set in Brooklyn and there is a character about to be visited by two goons because he is late on a payment to a loan shark. (Imagine further that this character needs to survive intact to the end of the story.) So the tension is being built. The big necked goons are knocking on the door, and this poor sap is -apparently- about to get his teeth kicked in. If I get my character out of this bind by having him crap a fistful of crisp $100 bills, I've probably lost my readers (from this story and possibly all others in perpetuity.)

You know, I've been thinking about this and to be quite honest, I find it a bit discouraging. I've written a story where an absolute babe strolls up to a shy computer nerd in a bar and starts flirting with him (with their meeting ending back in his bedroom) and, if you bother to read the story through, there's a plot twist at the end that fully explains why she was so smitten with him.

I'd hate to think that I lost a whole bunch of readers halfway through because they couldn't buy the nerd picking up a babe, and gave up on the story.

 

[AliceShayne]

Of course your story can and should be written. Most of the advice you're being given here assume that you want this story written in order to gain readership. Clearly, you do not. You and your girlfriend want to explore a fantasy situation. It does not matter if your fantasy cannot capture a wide readership because they dislike or disbelieve your premise -- unless you want broad readership. If what you want is a story that explores your shared fantasy, then your premise is fine, not "flawed."

Would I advise a writer seeking formal publication or attempting to advance a career to use your fantasy as the basis of a story? Definitely not, for all the reasons explained and more.

Does that mean it's a poor fantasy? Or that a story cannot be written about it? Definitely not.

At that point, it's up to you. Since you posted in this in the request-a-story forum, I assume your target audience is yourself and Rach, and that any extra readers who enjoy it are bonus. If that's the case, enjoy! If I'm wrong, and your intended audience is broader, or your goals the story loftier, than the all the previous challenges stand quite correct.

 

[squarejohn]

Say, for example, I write a hard-boiled story set in Brooklyn and there is a character about to be visited by two goons because he is late on a payment to a loan shark. (Imagine further that this character needs to survive intact to the end of the story.) So the tension is being built. The big necked goons are knocking on the door, and this poor sap is -apparently- about to get his teeth kicked in. If I get my character out of this bind by having him crap a fistful of crisp $100 bills, I've probably lost my readers (from this story and possibly all others in perpetuity.)

Great example of deus ex machina

 

[squarejohn]

Hello, my gf and I would like to find somebody to write a story for us. We have the plot(sort of) but we don't have the skills to really make the story come to life. Rachel(Rach) and I(Rich) really like the stories on here that refer to guys watching their gf/wife with other men, particularly the ones where the guy follows the girl into the a bar/night club, sits at a table in the corner or across the bar, and pretends to be a stranger. He then watches as guys come onto his gf and they flirt and dance and well, you know how those stories go. What we want, is the reverse of that. Rach wants to read a story where she follows me in a bar and sits and watches me get hit on and such. Can somebody write that? We would really appreciate it

Rich is 33 5'7 white shaved head. Athletic body Rach is 30 white 5'6 also athletic body

Thank you so much!

R R

That might work in a gay/les bar.

 

[JRaven]

It would certainly work if the girl was mid-forties, white, 5'6", auburn hair. Let's call her Jenny.

And, she likes the idea of seducing the younger Rich. So she unbuttons an extra button on her blouse as she introduces herself to him.

It's worked for me in the past.

Jenny

 

[sirhugs]

It would certainly work if the girl was mid-forties, white, 5'6", auburn hair. Let's call her Jenny.

And, she likes the idea of seducing the younger Rich. So she unbuttons an extra button on her blouse as she introduces herself to him.

It's worked for me in the past.

Jenny

where do you live again? could I drive there and be back to work Monday?

 

[darkbeast]

I find it odd that the basic assumption is women never pick me up at bars. It has happened and for the purpose of the story, why this event is a story, is this one time when it did happen, Rich's wife Rachel was there to witness it.

For me the twist and uniqueness of the story comes from the motives of Rich and Rachel. Does he know he is being watched? Did she suspect he was cheating and wanted to verify it for herself and then was astonished at her reaction?

Maybe it was a crazy happenstance, where she was out with work friends and he was there for some other reason. She spotted him and spotted this other woman hitting on him. He goes through the 'Caesar denying the crown three times' thing, trying to dissuade the aggressive woman from flirting until finally he gives in a little, making out with her in the bar.

 

[JRaven]

Well, so much for the naysayers...
You've got me that has hit on guys in a bar.
You've got DarkBeast that has been hit on by women in a bar.
The story line will work just fine.
Jenny

I find it odd that the basic assumption is women never pick me up at bars. It has happened and for the purpose of the story, why this event is a story, is this one time when it did happen, Rich's wife Rachel was there to witness it.

For me the twist and uniqueness of the story comes from the motives of Rich and Rachel. Does he know he is being watched? Did she suspect he was cheating and wanted to verify it for herself and then was astonished at her reaction?

Maybe it was a crazy happenstance, where she was out with work friends and he was there for some other reason. She spotted him and spotted this other woman hitting on him. He goes through the 'Caesar denying the crown three times' thing, trying to dissuade the aggressive woman from flirting until finally he gives in a little, making out with her in the bar.

 

[sirhugs]

Well, so much for the naysayers...
You've got me that has hit on guys in a bar.
You've got DarkBeast that has been hit on by women in a bar.
The story line will work just fine.
Jenny

I met my ex in a bar. I maintain that it was her that hit on me

and met many many of my women in bars prior to meeting her... and it worked both ways.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

The departure from reality is not the suggestion that a woman can hit on a man in a bar. Of course it happens all the time. But be real for a minute. If an equally hot man and woman sit at opposite ends of a bar, who is going to get hit on more? The woman is going to get laid 10 times before the guy gets a single drink bought for him. For Rich and Rachel to go into a bar and Rachel sit back and watch women hit on him all night, well, come on. Has anyone seen that happen to a guy?

 

[sirhugs]

The departure from reality is not the suggestion that a woman can hit on a man in a bar. Of course it happens all the time. But be real for a minute. If an equally hot man and woman sit at opposite ends of a bar, who is going to get hit on more? The woman is going to get laid 10 times before the guy gets a single drink bought for him. For Rich and Rachel to go into a bar and Rachel sit back and watch women hit on him all night, well, come on. Has anyone seen that happen to a guy?

Rachel can just say a frosty "no" to each guy... which would leaven the story nicely.... even toss in a protective bartender (of either gender)

 

[darkbeast]

But be real for a minute.

And when you apply this standard to every story, movie, song ever written, the variety of entertainment available to us would amount to reading weather reports and the minutes of a boardroom meeting.

I'd argue that the purpose of any story, whether it is a true story or a fictional story, is to account a time when the what was expected was not what happened. Why tell a story that matches perfectly with what was expected? Even biographies try to show a side of a person that was otherwise unknown, unexpected.

Also, again, I really dislike the assumption that an attractive woman would never hit on an attractive man. People are more than welcome to have this assumption, but I much rather live in this world where it does happen and it remains remarkably refreshing and unique when it does.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

And when you apply this standard to every story, movie, song ever written, the variety of entertainment available to us would amount to reading weather reports and the minutes of a boardroom meeting.

I'd argue that the purpose of any story, whether it is a true story or a fictional story, is to account a time when the what was expected was not what happened. Why tell a story that matches perfectly with what was expected? Even biographies try to show a side of a person that was otherwise unknown, unexpected.

Also, again, I really dislike the assumption that an attractive woman would never hit on an attractive man. People are more than welcome to have this assumption, but I much rather live in this world where it does happen and it remains remarkably refreshing and unique when it does.

I did not say that an attractive woman would never hit on an attractive guy. I stated quite clearly that it happens all the time. What is implausible is the idea that if a man goes into a bar, hot women will flock to him. The concept of a woman watching a stream of women hit on her man is unrealistic.

I would not write that story. I would not read a story with that premise. If you want to write that story, then by all means, write it. Post a message here when you are done, and I will try to read it. I hope that you can prove me wrong.