Relationships and Divorce

[FoxMan84]

My wife and I have been married for a long time. Sometimes I feel like we are strangers and our marriage is falling apart. Sometimes our relationship is perfect. Does this happen to everyone or do I really have to worry?

 

[NorthernVAM]

My wife and I have been married for a long time. Sometimes I feel like we are strangers and our marriage is falling apart. Sometimes our relationship is perfect. Does this happen to everyone or do I really have to worry?

In all honesty, when I read what you wrote my first reaction was to think -- "it looks like his perception of the relationship changes based upon what he is feeling, and he's mistaking his feelings for some objective reality". And then following up on that idea is that "why is he worrying about his feelings, unless he wants to somehow act upon them to change his life". That's is my perspective on feelings from someone in their late 50s.

To me, it sounds like you have a set of feelings that contradict themselves, and so there is some inner conflict that you are dealing with that is manifesting itself in those conflicting feelings. When you are feeling like you are strangers, can you identify what triggers those feelings, and what moods, behaviors, or circumstances make you feel like your wife is a stranger? That would be a good place to start to understand why you feel the that you don't know your wife, or your wife doesn't know you, or both.

Coming at it from the other direction, when you are feeling that you have a perfect marriage, perform the same exercise, and see what comes up. That may give you more insight into what you think is working well in your marriage vs. what makes you feel alienated from your wife. This way, you might be able to narrow down the source of the conflict in your perception and understand what the root cause(s) of the conflicting feelings that you have.

To answer your question more directly:

a) Do people in long term relationships at times have conflicting feelings about their partners?
A: Yes.

b) Do conflicting feelings mean that there is a real problem in the relationship?
A: It depends upon what is creating the conflict. Generally, the person who is having the feelings pretty much has the responsibility to manage their feelings and identify the issues that are causing the feelings within themselves. More plainly stated, it is not the responsibility of your wife to figure out what is going on inside you, and it is unrealistic to expect a partner to know what is going on with you if you can't articulate clearly yourself.

c) Should I worry?
A: It depends upon what you want to do with your feelings. I've known plenty of people in my life who have an issue within themselves, and project it out as a "defect" or "shortcoming" within their partner(s). They tend to have the same issue arise in relationships with different people, and so they change partners, thinking they haven't found the "right one", while never really getting to the root cause of the issue within themselves.

That's my thoughtful reply to your question ....

 

[FoxMan84]

Thank you for your detailed response. I found an article describing /5-signs-your-marriage-is-falling-apart/. I read it and understand that some of the signals are what is going on in my family. I hope I can fix it.

 

[hdbagger]

Thank you for your detailed response. I found an article describing /5-signs-your-marriage-is-falling-apart/. I read it and understand that some of the signals are what is going on in my family. I hope I can fix it.

Then unsubscibe from Lit. And focus on your marriage. That question should be asked on a help forum. Not a sexual community page.