Just some relationship issues I could use some help sorting out if anyone is interested. I have been married for 10 years and have three children two boys and a little girl. Well Saturday my hubby (who is 31) told me he is not sure if he wants to be a family man anymore, he claims his impatients and selfishness are making him want to leave. He would like me to bear with him and just give him space while he makes this decision, that will affect not only his life but the lives of my children and myself. I do love him and want things to work out, especially after investing 10 years into our relationship. However in order to work it out there will have to be some changes made(sorry getting ahead of myself) My question I guess is: Is it realistic for him to expect me to live my life normally until he decides? If so how do I do this, because like I said I love him so it makes me a basket care to think that he would leave.
Relationship issues
- Thread starter loulou34
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Typo Fu Master
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loulou34 said:
No, I don't think it is. This is a life altering decision, and to expect you to go on normally is underlining how selfish he is acting. I wish I could offer some good advice. The only thing I can think of is to try to talk to him about it. Make him understand that it's not just his life, but yours and your kids' lives as well that will be affected. I sympathize with your position. Ten years later with kids is a lousy time to discover that one is impatient and selfish.
Ezzy
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loulou34 said:
I am sorry for you finding yourself (and the kids) in this situation.
I think this sounds like a case of delayed 7-year itch to me.
First thing to do is (DONT PANIC)!
I know you cant just play it as normal from now on, but try not to burn the bridges while they may be needed to pull things back together again.
Try and maintain what you can of a civil relationship, no extra screaming or shouting if you can bite it off.
He is still communicating with you, and maintaining that will be the only way you can help keep the marriage together.
Forewarned is forearmed as they say, and you way want to consult an attorney about divorce / abandonment issues before they occur.
Maybe he wants to separate from you and the kids and live the life of Reilly, but references to child support and the house and alimony may just drive him further away or bring him to his senses.
Is he stable in his job? Does he wander outside the house? You need to gauge these questions for yourself. The more stable he is in his job etc, the less you have to worry about (as long as he is not either an on the road salesman or a trucker, or airline pilot).
On the sex issue (and there is always a sex issue) consider saying that you don’t want to get pregnant at this time and take precautions including condoms if you still have sex, protect yourself if you think he is straying outside the marriage, not just from a pregnancy but from STD’s as well.
In answer to your main question is it realistic (or fair) for him to think it will be business as usual until he resolves this…
Of course it isn’t, but then you did not stop loving him the moment you heard, it will have put a massive dent in the relationship, and it may have been too big to get over (long term), the kids will still think of him as dad, and his family will still be their relatives too, so do as little to disrupt the flow of love and affection from surrounding family as you can, if you can avoid it.
Take it a day at a time, but think about what and where you want to be in 5 years time, if the relationship is over, then do what you can to make any separation amicable, there is nothing tougher than trying to patch up a friendship for the sake of your kids, if it could have been an amicable split to start out with.
Protect yourself and the kids, get legal advice, pray and think.
FurryFury
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No, it's not realistic for him to expect you to go on acting "normal!" He has dropped a major life altering bomb on you and you are supposed to walk around the thing, not talk about it and act normal? Hell no!
Someone who says that has no clue what they really want, no empathy for the person they are asking it of and is probably a lost cause.
I'm sorry to hear that he is being so horrible to you and your family. I suggest you talk to whoever you can trust and possibly get a lawyer or marriage counselor. It's important on both of those things to ask around for someone who is good. You want a competent kick ass lawyer in that area of the law. You want a competent helpful marriage counselor.
You didn't say how old he was but a lot of guys get very selfish at a certain age. They start to worry they have missed out on something. Since they tend to feel like they deserve anything they want, they get angry and self righteous about it. They do not tend to think about what other people like their wife might have missed out on.
Sorry you are going through this you aren't the only one but it sucks.
There is a chance that he will figure out he has made a mistake and should stay with you and family. Good luck.
*hugs*
Fury
Someone who says that has no clue what they really want, no empathy for the person they are asking it of and is probably a lost cause.
I'm sorry to hear that he is being so horrible to you and your family. I suggest you talk to whoever you can trust and possibly get a lawyer or marriage counselor. It's important on both of those things to ask around for someone who is good. You want a competent kick ass lawyer in that area of the law. You want a competent helpful marriage counselor.
You didn't say how old he was but a lot of guys get very selfish at a certain age. They start to worry they have missed out on something. Since they tend to feel like they deserve anything they want, they get angry and self righteous about it. They do not tend to think about what other people like their wife might have missed out on.
Sorry you are going through this you aren't the only one but it sucks.
There is a chance that he will figure out he has made a mistake and should stay with you and family. Good luck.
*hugs*
Fury
silverwhisper
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loulou: i think your husband is being extremely selfish and inconsiderate.
i think you should consider seeing a marriage counselor in joint sessions if that doesn't pose any problems. what troubles me is that his "impatience" is making him want to leave you and the kids. impatience about what? what could he be so impatient about achieving/getting/doing that you and the kids are standing in the way? why are you guys a hindrance rather than a source of strength? if i were you, that prospect would have me pretty fucking mad.
look, i don't know you, your husband or your relationship: all i know is what you've said. but based on that tiny little glimpse, i'm anxious.
if i were you, i would research attorneys but not meet w/ any yet: if word of such a meeting gets back to your husband, that might serve as a catalyst for things you don't want. you also don't want any records of a meeting that in a trial could serve as evidence against you.
ed
i think you should consider seeing a marriage counselor in joint sessions if that doesn't pose any problems. what troubles me is that his "impatience" is making him want to leave you and the kids. impatience about what? what could he be so impatient about achieving/getting/doing that you and the kids are standing in the way? why are you guys a hindrance rather than a source of strength? if i were you, that prospect would have me pretty fucking mad.
look, i don't know you, your husband or your relationship: all i know is what you've said. but based on that tiny little glimpse, i'm anxious.
if i were you, i would research attorneys but not meet w/ any yet: if word of such a meeting gets back to your husband, that might serve as a catalyst for things you don't want. you also don't want any records of a meeting that in a trial could serve as evidence against you.
ed
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loulou34 said:
Welcome to Lit.
What brought you here to ask this question? Is this site familiar to one or both of you?
The first thing I noticed is that as damaging as the revelation is at least he went to you with it first. When you said that he asks for space to make his decision you should keep in mind that it's a joint decision. He should be aware of this too. If the chance of losing you and the family he's worked for is recognized, he could weigh his options differently. He may not have seen it this way yet.
Eilan
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First of all, welcome to Lit. 
I'm so sorry to hear this. Parts of your story are eerily similar to what I went through with my ex about five years ago. I don't know that I have any advice for you that hasn't already been offered. That's never stopped me from throwing in my two cents, though.
My ex pulled this on me (notice he's now an EX). At the time our children were 2 1/2 and two months. I can't begin to describe how difficult it was at first for me to get up in the morning and take care of the kids and the house (AND I was working at the time) knowing that I'd be dealing with everything all by myself. But I did what I had to do to make it through the day-to-day stuff, and so will you if you have to. You WILL. You have three children who depend on you to keep it together for them. You CAN'T change your husband's behavior, but you CAN change your reaction to it. Right now, though, it's tough because it's all so new and your emotions are raw.
No matter what happens, remember that your kids are also affected by what's going on, even if you try to hide things from them. Kids aren't stupid; they can sense when all isn't right in their parents' relationship.
Good luck to you.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Parts of your story are eerily similar to what I went through with my ex about five years ago. I don't know that I have any advice for you that hasn't already been offered. That's never stopped me from throwing in my two cents, though.
I'm curious about this. Does he think that leaving will absolve him of his responsibilities to you and the children? It's already been said, but you need to be looking into your legal options.loulou34 said:
How long of an upheaval period are we talking about? Six months? A year? Five years?
I completely understand that. What kinds of changes are you referring to?
It's not realistic for him to expect this, and if he were thinking rationally, he'd know it. Once he walks out that door, your lives will never be the exactly the same, even if he does decide to pull his head out of his ass and come back.
My ex pulled this on me (notice he's now an EX). At the time our children were 2 1/2 and two months. I can't begin to describe how difficult it was at first for me to get up in the morning and take care of the kids and the house (AND I was working at the time) knowing that I'd be dealing with everything all by myself. But I did what I had to do to make it through the day-to-day stuff, and so will you if you have to. You WILL. You have three children who depend on you to keep it together for them. You CAN'T change your husband's behavior, but you CAN change your reaction to it. Right now, though, it's tough because it's all so new and your emotions are raw.
No matter what happens, remember that your kids are also affected by what's going on, even if you try to hide things from them. Kids aren't stupid; they can sense when all isn't right in their parents' relationship.
Good luck to you.
stutterclutter
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I can't stress the importance of considering your kids first and foremost in this situation. Your life choices at this point should put them as a priority, so even if you are willing to accomodate your husbands early life crisis, the fallout probably isn't going to be a healthy atmosphere for your family. In fact, the whole concept of staying together "for the kids" is usually pretty backwards. You're not going to be doing anyone any favors by comprimising your own ideals to placate your husbands sudden flights of fancy. Chances are what he wants will change daily, and if it doesn't remotely gel with what you want, or what's going to give your kids stability, then you might have to be brave. So you should be honest with him, and let him know how you feel. I get the sense this isn't okay with you, so be forthcoming with that, and delicately let him understand the ramifications. Don't be confrontational about it. Try and be understanding, that you're in a scary position, that you're young, and that it's hard to stick to a commitment you stumbled into before you were ready in life. Let him take a breath and regroup, but I wouldn't let him get a pass. He needs to decide if he can handle being an "adult" and grow with you, together. If he can't handle that, then just be glad you know it know rather then later, and deal with the situation accordingly. It's not the end of the world, and hopefully he's just having an anxiety attack, and with your care and empathy he'll snap out of it before he does something destructive. Your first job is to meet your kids needs, not his.
warrior queen
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what a horrible situation!
i don't have an awful lot of advice - except to tell you that when my ex came home and said the exact same thing, it was because he'd been having an affair for months, and decided he wanted to be with her rather than us.
ask him.
i don't have an awful lot of advice - except to tell you that when my ex came home and said the exact same thing, it was because he'd been having an affair for months, and decided he wanted to be with her rather than us.
ask him.
rhev
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If you didn't have children, he would just be a jackass. When you had children however he now has a responsibilty to them as well as you that goes beyond the contract of marriage. I would say the best thing to do would be to make sure you get everything on the table. Don't force his hand but let him know what you find acceptable and not.
If he wants some space, let him sleep on the couch for a few weeks. Dont give him ANY sex, none, zero, nada. If he starts sniffing around, and trying to get back into your pants, you tell him that you need to sit down and talk about it again.
Let him know that he can't have his cake and eat it too. If he wants freedom he needs to remember what it is to not have access to a warm body in the bed every night. If he wants you back, and you still want him back, tell him in no uncertain terms that you can't live with him if you have to worry about the same thing happening a year from now. That he has to be commited as a husband and a father.
I've seen it happen to countless men that they get so used to regular sex, they forget how they had month long dry spells before they met their girls. They forget all of the bad times and only remember the one or two times that they met a drunk chick in a bar and hooked up, how it had been hot and passionate with no commitments. They forget the 5,000 women who had turned him down in that same bar over the year before the one said yes.
Also, with your children, if you do make him sleep on the couch, you don't need to automatically tell them anything. You can let them draw their own conclusions if they are old enough to do so. However they may just think daddy is sleeping on the couch because he was watching TV late.
I honestly feel for you and wish you the best of luck in a horrible situation.
If he wants some space, let him sleep on the couch for a few weeks. Dont give him ANY sex, none, zero, nada. If he starts sniffing around, and trying to get back into your pants, you tell him that you need to sit down and talk about it again.
Let him know that he can't have his cake and eat it too. If he wants freedom he needs to remember what it is to not have access to a warm body in the bed every night. If he wants you back, and you still want him back, tell him in no uncertain terms that you can't live with him if you have to worry about the same thing happening a year from now. That he has to be commited as a husband and a father.
I've seen it happen to countless men that they get so used to regular sex, they forget how they had month long dry spells before they met their girls. They forget all of the bad times and only remember the one or two times that they met a drunk chick in a bar and hooked up, how it had been hot and passionate with no commitments. They forget the 5,000 women who had turned him down in that same bar over the year before the one said yes.
Also, with your children, if you do make him sleep on the couch, you don't need to automatically tell them anything. You can let them draw their own conclusions if they are old enough to do so. However they may just think daddy is sleeping on the couch because he was watching TV late.
I honestly feel for you and wish you the best of luck in a horrible situation.
FurryFury
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I would guess your kids are pretty young since you've only been married ten years and have three. Kids feel and resonate the emotions of their caregivers even what they don't understand and can't put in words. Expect to see them act out, test the limits, regress and perhaps even, if it gets bad enough, suffer physical symptoms that have no biological cause, I'm talking things like stomachaches headaches or nausea.
They say kids would prefer their parents together even if the parents are unhappy. That wasn't the case for me when I was a child but I can see that. Unfortunately people tend to see kids as property. In these situations and legally they tend to be seen that way. Mothers can often think about their children's best interests, if only everyone else would too.
I have one friend this sort of thing happened too just after the birth of her third child and he came back. Yes he was having an affair though he didn't admit it at first. Yes the kids were hurt but he came back and they went into marriage counseling. It's been a while now. I was worried at first that he only came back after seeing what a legal and financial hole he was digging for himself and would leave her again later when it was more financially beneficial to him. I supported her in anyway I could though because that is what friends do even when they get back with their ass hole husbands. Today they seem solid and relatively happy and I hope they stay that way.
You haven't really said what you want to have happen at this point. You probably don't know yet. Just keep in mind, not all the decisions are up to him. He is not thinking rationally right now. You can't control him but you have the right to make your own decisions too. He shouldn't have all the power, if you look at it that way, you belittle yourself falsely.
I was walked out on during the first pregnancy. I really feel lucky that he didn't wait until we went through three first. I am with a wonderful man now. I could still be stuck with a jerk sooo just saying, life is strange you never know what is around the next corner.
*hugs*
I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
Fury
They say kids would prefer their parents together even if the parents are unhappy. That wasn't the case for me when I was a child but I can see that. Unfortunately people tend to see kids as property. In these situations and legally they tend to be seen that way. Mothers can often think about their children's best interests, if only everyone else would too.
I have one friend this sort of thing happened too just after the birth of her third child and he came back. Yes he was having an affair though he didn't admit it at first. Yes the kids were hurt but he came back and they went into marriage counseling. It's been a while now. I was worried at first that he only came back after seeing what a legal and financial hole he was digging for himself and would leave her again later when it was more financially beneficial to him. I supported her in anyway I could though because that is what friends do even when they get back with their ass hole husbands. Today they seem solid and relatively happy and I hope they stay that way.
You haven't really said what you want to have happen at this point. You probably don't know yet. Just keep in mind, not all the decisions are up to him. He is not thinking rationally right now. You can't control him but you have the right to make your own decisions too. He shouldn't have all the power, if you look at it that way, you belittle yourself falsely.
I was walked out on during the first pregnancy. I really feel lucky that he didn't wait until we went through three first. I am with a wonderful man now. I could still be stuck with a jerk sooo just saying, life is strange you never know what is around the next corner.
*hugs*
I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
Fury
mrmgp
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loulou34 said:
Don't give him a minute. Tell him to grow the hell up, be a fucking man and accept responsibility for the children he helped bring into this world. Tell him that, should he leave, you will immediately file for divorce, and won't rest until he has to pay out a shitload of alimony and child support.
Sounds like you didn't marry a man, but a little boy. It also sounds like he wants to run around again and relive his teenage years, while you are stuck being the responsible one. I wouldn't give him the chance to have any fun. I'd stick it to his immature ass. By the time you and your lawyer get done with him, I'd be making him live out the Jerry Reed song "She Got The Gold Mine (I Got The Shaft)"--especially the lines:
While she's livin' like a queen on alimony
I'm workin' two shifts and eatin' bologna
Good luck to you. I'm sorry to read about your husband's immaturity. Hopefully you will find yourself a real man in the future.
Thanks everyone for your advice, information and just ear to listen. My husband came to me on Saturday and let me know this is how he is feeling. I have been trying to give him space, but today is now Wednesday and still no decisions have been made. The kids feel it because mom has been extremely upset (kids are 9,7,4 by the way two boys and a girl). I posted my question here because I have been reading this site for quite awhile and you all seem like upfront people. I am emotionally just out of control right now and just to get up and work and take care of the kids is hard work. I can barely look at my husband without wanting to grab him and tell him how can you feel this way? We love you. I will not even though I am so distraught let him just walk away. We have a house, vehicles etc....He does have a good job that he has been working @ for three years. We moved to Utah three years ago from California...Is anyone familiar with divorce laws here? Honestly the hardest thing for me is coping day to day. I just want what is best and I think that working on our relationship is that. I can not change him though and will have to tough it out if he decides to move on. Unfortunately I do love him.
HollyHawkk
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(((hugs))) I went through this 2 years ago myself, six months before he decied to leave he gave me the "I need some space" excuse. Which ment that he could come and go as he pleased with out talking to me. He spent his money how he wanted to. The kids and I were scared to make Daddy mad cause that would cause him to need space.
I got sick of this act... Made him leave! It was tough cause we counted on his income to live.. I loved him alot we had three kids togeather, 10 years and a home.
I cried for 3 months strait~ I worked very hard at getting us out of the finnical mess he left behind. The kids pitched in helping with the house. He Made promises to the kids which he contunied to break. They soon learned that we could not count on him for much.
To make a long story short~ we had some hard times!! We got through them... we are all stronger because of them. The kids and I are togeather... I have met a wonderful man who loves my kids. Life is getting so much better with out the head trip.
As for him he seems to just repeating all his bad habbits on ladys who think they can chage him, or that If they just love him enough....
As for me and my kids we are enjoying better times.
Hang in there!
I got sick of this act... Made him leave! It was tough cause we counted on his income to live.. I loved him alot we had three kids togeather, 10 years and a home.
I cried for 3 months strait~ I worked very hard at getting us out of the finnical mess he left behind. The kids pitched in helping with the house. He Made promises to the kids which he contunied to break. They soon learned that we could not count on him for much.
To make a long story short~ we had some hard times!! We got through them... we are all stronger because of them. The kids and I are togeather... I have met a wonderful man who loves my kids. Life is getting so much better with out the head trip.
As for him he seems to just repeating all his bad habbits on ladys who think they can chage him, or that If they just love him enough....
As for me and my kids we are enjoying better times.
Hang in there!
Thanks. I hope that the kids and I will get thru this quickly as for now I am just having a hard time coping. I feel like this is my fault and why don't I deserve better? My kids are such great little people how could he want to turn his back on them? He has decided that he wants to separate and he wants me to sell the house. He does not want to use attorney's or anything just work it out ourselves. Since I could'nt trust him to hold up his end of the bargain with our marriage I doubt that he will hold up his end of the bargain when we split. I sure hope that I learn that I can do this by myself quickly.
Eilan
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To hell with what he wants. Get an attorney. You'll need to work out spousal/child support, division of property, etc. If you try to do it yourselves, YOU'LL get fucked over.loulou34 said:
If HE doesn't want an attorney, that's HIS choice. YOU, however, should have one.
*edited to add that if there weren't small children involved, I might agree that you could get things done more easily without an attorney. You need to do what's best for your kids, though, NOT what's best for your husband.
Last edited:
wicked woman
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I know it probably won't help you now but just had to share...
My ex wasn't so cruel but when we had two children under three it became clear he wasn't 'in' to the responsibility of a wife and children. I loved him enough to let him go to enjoy his wanderlust...saying I'd look after the kids. I had hoped for some child support *hey I was young and naive*
Jump ahead a few more years...he remarried and had FIVE more children and a wife who did nothing. So he had to work, raise the kids, and look after the house! Hey we used to argue because he couldn't keep the kids from being under foot while I made dinner for us all! Forgive me, but I did think it looked good on him. Karma.
My ex wasn't so cruel but when we had two children under three it became clear he wasn't 'in' to the responsibility of a wife and children. I loved him enough to let him go to enjoy his wanderlust...saying I'd look after the kids. I had hoped for some child support *hey I was young and naive*
Jump ahead a few more years...he remarried and had FIVE more children and a wife who did nothing. So he had to work, raise the kids, and look after the house! Hey we used to argue because he couldn't keep the kids from being under foot while I made dinner for us all! Forgive me, but I did think it looked good on him. Karma.
mrmgp
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Eilan said:
I concur. He deserves to get raked over the coals. If he doesn't want a lawyer to protect his "rights" (which I feel he's forfeited since he basically wants to abandon his family over petty and selfish reasons), then the bastard will get all he deserves. Stick it to the fucker. It's adult-sized little boys like him that give men bad names.
Eilan
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Don't you just love it when karma bites some people in the ass?wicked woman said:I know it probably won't help you now but just had to share...
My ex wasn't so cruel but when we had two children under three it became clear he wasn't 'in' to the responsibility of a wife and children. I loved him enough to let him go to enjoy his wanderlust...saying I'd look after the kids. I had hoped for some child support *hey I was young and naive*
Jump ahead a few more years...he remarried and had FIVE more children and a wife who did nothing. So he had to work, raise the kids, and look after the house! Hey we used to argue because he couldn't keep the kids from being under foot while I made dinner for us all! Forgive me, but I did think it looked good on him. Karma.
wicked woman
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Eilan said:Don't you just love it when karma bites some people in the ass?
Yup...and I left out the fact he's on his third marriage and wife # 3 came with 3 more kids! lol
Eilan
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Honestly, I feel sorry for loulou34's husband, though I'm sure that some stranger's pity is the last thing that he wants or needs.mrmgp said:
If he's anything like my ex, then at some point what he's doing to his family will hit him like several tons of bricks. It won't happen today; hell, it probably won't happen in a few months. But it WILL happen. And at that point it'll probably be too late.
I have four children, so I understand what it's like to need some time that's just for me. But there's a certain amount of freedom that you decide to give up when you make the decision to become a parent.
Yeah, they were young, when they got together, but if it's "me" time he wants, then I'm sure that he can get that without pissing away ten years of his life. IF he wants to do that.
mrmgp
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Eilan said:
It's best to have that revelation before conceiving. If someone isn't fully committed to being a parent, then they have no business reproducing. I was always "take it or leave it" about parenthood, but as I grew older, my preference was "leave it". My wife at the time felt the same way, so after we discussed our feelings, I immediately went out and got snipped before we had a child that we really didn't want to have.
mrmgp
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wicked woman said:Jump ahead a few more years...he remarried and had FIVE more children and a wife who did nothing. So he had to work, raise the kids, and look after the house! Hey we used to argue because he couldn't keep the kids from being under foot while I made dinner for us all! Forgive me, but I did think it looked good on him. Karma.
Wouldn't it be nice if Karma paid a visit to every deserving asshole on the planet?
Eilan
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I agree. I'll acknowledge, though, that sometimes one's best-laid plans can get derailed by an unintended pregnancy. That's the chance people take when they decide to have sex, though, even with BC.mrmgp said:
My ex decided when our second child was a very young infant that he'd never wanted kids in the first place, and that I'd "trapped" him, even though we'd been married for about three years when the first one was born. Helluva time to figure that one out, particularly since I'd been under the impression that he DID want kids.
BTW, welcome to Lit, mrmgp.
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