Relationship Issue News

[loulou34]

Just wanted to touch base with everyone and say thank you for all the support I appreciate it. Saturday morning my husband said he wanted to try and give our relationship one more chance. Of course I was glad of that BUT.....the feelings are so raw that I am having a hard time believing him. Its hard to go back once you have discussed divorce. Anyway I have some questions because whether this works out or not, I have to learn to feel better about me.

I come from an alcoholic, disfunctional family....(pretty common now a days), anyway I have some issues. I am very insecure, controlling, clingy and suspicious. These are all things that contribute to our relationship not doing so well. I need to learn to have some self worth and think better of myself. I am not sure how to do this. I am currently taking Wellbutrin (antidepressant) which does help, but does not solve the problem. Anyway books, ideas, anything that can help me to begin to love myself, that anyone can offer? The bottom line is I want to be a better wife, mother and person. But how can I do that when I do not like who I am?

 

[bisexplicit]

I can relate - because my boyfriend is in the same position you are. So, we're struggling a lot because of it (even more because he doesn't think growing up with an alcholic parent actually has effected him - not to mention he doesn't think that him moving in to take care of her as an adult really effected him either -- which is a sidenote, but I think you've made excellent progress by realizing that that is a source of issues for you).

ACoA (Adult Children of Alcholics) meetings were suggested, along with a book "Codependent No More," by my therapist when I asked what would be good things for him to do.

 

[Cathleen]

loulou, I'm glad you'll be giving things a chance and that you're looking to the ACoA issues. The book bisex mentioned is a good one, Melody Beattie is the author and has written extensively on the subject - whether specifically or about the issues that come with the environment.

I spent many nights in the ACoA meetings that Al-Anon has, it is a great support and place to learn. I'd recommend going in a heartbeat.

The first thing to do is to go and become comfortable enough to listen and let others help too. Just like the disease is so big so too is the help available.

(Thank you too for stating the obvious that anti-depressants do not make life all rosey or make you a false person - it levels the playing field and brings you back to you.)

Best wishes .... it helps.

 

[loulou34]

Thanks for the input. I have attended one al anon meeting and have been reading up on the subject a bit (as my mom is a al anon member of 3 years) My thing is how do you put the stuff to play in your life? How do I let go of this feeling of dread and just trust? How do I let the controlling need to know everything in my hubby's life go. He is a very private person so my need to be beside him at every whim is going to drive us both nuts, I end up feeling rejected and he ends up feeling babysat. I still just feel so lost and lonely and the bottomline is I feel scared, fearful.

 

[Ezzy]

The bottom line is I want to be a better wife, mother and person. But how can I do that when I do not like who I am?

It is simpler to do it when you don't like who you are, than to look to change when you are content with the who you are!

Take it a step at a time, don't try for a whole new reality in one push, take small steps it will make you stretch when they work, but wont freak out the family as much as waking up one day with a totally different personality.

Make a list of the areas you feel you don't do well in, try and see what the root cause of those performance problems are. When I did this, I found I was not listening to what was being said to me. It is because I shut down my ears (well the part of my brain that hears the noise and translates it into coherent thought) so that the noise of the kids playing could be blotted out and I can work at my computer, etc.

I had developed a whole range of sounds to make it appear that I was listening to what was being said, and most of the time if I asked them to repeat the last part, I could get enough information to answer the question. Well that was what I thought, but it wasn't true. I was not giving my family enough respect to hear what they were saying when I was busy working, I was trying to get them to shut up so I could keep doing what I wanted.

For me the solution was to stop what I am doing and really hear what is being said to me, dealing with it, then going back to my work, not as easy as it sounds, but I have found it so much better than getting frustrated then angry because of the disturbances.

Now because the kids can ask me questions when they need to and I answer their questionsions in a much more repectful way, the number and length of each disturbance has gone down, the harder I listen the less disturbance there is.

Don't get me wrong this is only one area that needed changing (out of many), but by finding the root cause I have been able to make the change in this area that was needed to stop some of the stress in my life.

On the control issue you may need to relinquish control in some other area of life, to begin to find the trust that will help you over this. Try something that puts the "control" in anothers hands.

One way I have heard that works for some control issues is dance, ballroom or more formal dancing, if you can let go of the control in one area of life (on a dance floor) you can learn to give it up elsewhere. You can also get the same feeling by doing tandem parachute jumps or being a passenger in a high speed race car on a track etc. something where you have to give up the control.

 

[Cathleen]

Thanks for the input. I have attended one al anon meeting and have been reading up on the subject a bit (as my mom is a al anon member of 3 years) My thing is how do you put the stuff to play in your life? How do I let go of this feeling of dread and just trust? How do I let the controlling need to know everything in my hubby's life go. He is a very private person so my need to be beside him at every whim is going to drive us both nuts, I end up feeling rejected and he ends up feeling babysat. I still just feel so lost and lonely and the bottomline is I feel scared, fearful.

In my opinion one of the best books on change is Changing For Good by Prochaska, Norcross, Diclemente. It breaks down change into a process much like decision making is a process.

The stages are:

Precontemplation
Contemplation
Preparation
Action
Maintenance
Termination

The first thing is to recognize something needs to be changed. Clearly you've found areas, just don't try to change everything at once. Productive change takes lots of time I think. Small steps that are strong are the foundation for real change - change that sticks.

Have you considered counselling? It can be very effective while attending the meetings too. Understanding yourself is key. To do that you need to look at how you became who you are, assess the good and bad, learn some skills and tools for coping and then you can begin to consider something to change.

It's a long haul but one of the best journeys one can take, in my opinion. Your sincerity is evident, good for you.

 

[Ricwilly]

I'd suggest getting involved in alanon and working the twelve steps. Works for me.