Relationship Advice -

[Andee_julie]

I'm really not sure if this forum can adise me, but here goes
We're a m/f couple, been together for over 25 years. We met at 15.
Been married for nearly 10 years.
I've recently become aware that my wife has been secretive about her mobile phone. I honestly don't know what sparked my suspision but this how i feel at the moment.
Because of my suspision, i signed into her mobile phone account. I thought that she might be sending secritive txt messages to one of her male work friends.
I found out that she has been sending txt messages to one of our 'couple' frineds husbands (my bets friend) - This sounds like something you read in the Sun - but please, it's true.
I saw that she has sent texts to him nearly every day, between 1-5 times a day.
What am i suppose to think?
I checked her phone and she has deleted all incoming and sent messages to him.
This couple have been the best friends i thought we could ever have but i can't help but feel that something is going on.
I have no idea how to deal with this. I have no proof. If i ask my wife, of course she will deny anything (who wouldn't).
Please, if you can. give advice. I'm going out of my head trying to find out the truth.
Thanks for reading
Andy

 

[breezyblue]

Oh dear....I'm sorry to have to echo your feelings but it seems pretty clear that she is being secretive about her actions because she knows you would disapprove. Is there any other reason that you can think of as to why she would need to contact him? I'm guessing probably not and so this points quite possibly to her stepping out of bounds of what you had previously established as your trustful relationship. If you could view her cell phone account via the web and saw that she had sent many texts to him is this not a piece of evidence that you could bring up with her? You definitely need to communicate with her and let her know that you are worried about this recent behavior. You do not need proof of what is going on between them to broach this subject with your wife - the record of her texts sent is plenty for you to have reason to be concerned. Whatever you do if you value your relationship do not just simmer in your anxiety over this - bring the topic up as hard as it is because silence and non communication breeds mistrust in this type of situation and of course trust is a key element in any happy relationship. Best wishes - breezy

 

[SweetErika]

Wait, aren't you the guy who's always scheming to get your wife to be more open, have sex with other people, figure out how you can screw others, etc.?

I'd leave this whole thing alone if I were you. You invaded her privacy by checking her messages without her permission, instead of just coming out and asking her about the male work friend. In addition, you have NO proof or idea about the content of the texts she was exchanging with your mutual friend, correct? For all you know, they could have been planning to do something nice for you or his wife, or exchanging advice on an important matter, right?

If you think she's having an affair or whatever, you should talk to her about how she feels about your relationship, whether her needs are being met, if she'd like to try anything different, etc. Leave your detective work and suspicious out of it, and make sure she knows she can come to you with any ideas, thoughts or problems without fear of upsetting you or being judged. Reiterate that as her best friend and spouse, you will listen with an open mind and think about what she's said before responding.

Basically, try the honest, loving, respectful, communicative approach before taking the angry, suspicious, hurtful path that could seriously damage your relationship. See where the high road leads before you jump onto the low road and drive your relationship right off a cliff.

If you can't, or don't want to, do that, it's probably time to seriously look into divorce.

 

[phelon]

perhaps the problem is not what you think

this guy might be having issues with his wife and trying to get advice.. and she is merely helping him...
first up, don;t say what you have done.. just pay her more attention.. talk to her about things in general and make it known your around if she wants to talk or do things...

also recomend.. a date night to remind yourself and her your a couple.. and move on..

 

[Andee_julie]

Thanks for the replies and advice.
I'll try and answer to you individually, so please bear with me.
breezyblue - I also see it as being secretive. We have always built our relationship on trust and i have no idea what first made me suspicious, but having spent over a week trying to think of a reason why she would contact him so often im still no wiser. Thank you for your advice.

SweetErika - Yes i am the very same person you mention.
I have never pushed her into doing anything she didn't want to do thanks to the advice i've received on here. She didn't really take to the fantasy and so this had dwindled away. I think you are correct and i too have thought that she may be arranging something quite innocent. We shall see.

phelon - Thanks for your advice. I also had the idea that she may be helping our friend out with advice on his own marriage. They have had their ups and downs. He has cheated on his wife a number of times. I will pay her more attention and maybe she will open up and tell me. After all, maybe i could advise.

My true feelings are that deep down i can't imagine her cheating on me, but, it does happen. I will post back in the near future.

Thanks again
Andy

 

[PertPerth]

Hi Andy
It sounds like you have a strong relationship with your wife but are currently going through a not-so-great patch. It's obvious that you need to talk to your wife about this - but not in a way which will make her defensive. Tell her that you're feeling insecure at the moment. Ask her if she's happy in the relationship and is there anything that you can do to ensure that it stays that way. I don't think it's a good idea to bring up the guy friend - without real proof, it will just sound like accusations and I doubt that she'd like that very much.

I hope things smooth out for you soon
Pert

 

[MojitMylo]

Hang in there Amigo,been there myself. Sometimes ya gotta let things work themselves out.

 

[subwannabe]

Hmmmmmmmmm. O.K. It is possible that nothing bad is going on but you can't bury your head in the sand and be naive at the same time. The fact is SOMETHING IS GOING ON, you just don't know for sure what it is. I personally doubt it is innocent. If she was giving him advice I don't think she would keep it secret and if he was crying on her shoulder I don't think she would keep it secret. That only leaves a few options in my mind.

1. Your past shenanangans about opening up sexually have turned her off and caused her to stray.

2. He is not happy in his relationship and it has caused him to be interested in your wife and she has been receptive to it for whatever reason (maybe #1 above)

3. She is trying to set up something for your pleasure and making it a surprise.

I favor one of the first two options because if it not only makes more sense but if it were door #3 you would have proably already gotten your surprise by now.

I think you just have to open up and communicate with your wife, without being accusatory while at the same time trying to get her to fess up, maybe by admitting that if anything was going on it was at least partly your fault, if not all your fault. I think you will have to admit checking out the phone records, even if it pisses her off. If you do this the right way, and she admits to an affair, you can move forward, whatever that means. Maybe it means fixing things, maybe it means that the relationship is over. Either way, it is better for all of you not to just pretend nothing is happening and mosying on in your lives.

 

[SweetErika]

If she was giving him advice I don't think she would keep it secret and if he was crying on her shoulder I don't think she would keep it secret. That only leaves a few options in my mind.

Maybe she didn't tell Andy because there's nothing worth telling him about or the friend told her things in confidence that would have no impact on Andy.

I think you just have to open up and communicate with your wife, without being accusatory while at the same time trying to get her to fess up, maybe by admitting that if anything was going on it was at least partly your fault, if not all your fault. I think you will have to admit checking out the phone records, even if it pisses her off. If you do this the right way, and she admits to an affair, you can move forward, whatever that means. Maybe it means fixing things, maybe it means that the relationship is over. Either way, it is better for all of you not to just pretend nothing is happening and mosying on in your lives.

All of this is working on the very thin assumption that she's having an affair. If he lets it slip that he's been checking up on her, she may not be able to get over the invasion of privacy. Trust issues like that are really hard to work through, and there's no reason to hurt her by telling her for naught, when there could very well be a perfectly innocent explanation for the text messages. If he can get more information from her and shore up their relationship without hurting her trust in him, he should do so.

He can always reveal the fact that he's invaded her privacy in the future if there's good cause to do so, but once that's out, he can never take it back.

 

[phelon]

Maybe she didn't tell Andy because there's nothing worth telling him about or the friend told her things in confidence that would have no impact on Andy.


All of this is working on the very thin assumption that she's having an affair. If he lets it slip that he's been checking up on her, she may not be able to get over the invasion of privacy. Trust issues like that are really hard to work through, and there's no reason to hurt her by telling her for naught, when there could very well be a perfectly innocent explanation for the text messages. If he can get more information from her and shore up their relationship without hurting her trust in him, he should do so.

He can always reveal the fact that he's invaded her privacy in the future if there's good cause to do so, but once that's out, he can never take it back.

Kudos on the wisdom
if he admits to looking into her they will lose a lot of time built trust... and while that can return, its damn hard and damn long to get there...
there is not any clear evidence she has done anything except have a private conversation...
I don't know about everyone but i sure know there are times i want to vent, think off a sounding board, etc.. with a friend ... and i also know esp. when i vent, i wouldn;t want the other person knowing.. because i am relieving frustrations not talking rationally.. i don't want to hurt someone i love because i had a piss poor week and then something happened with them and i overreacted.. thats just way to much work to repair.

 

[subwannabe]

Why did she erase all her text messages so they couldn't be viewed? I think you're right that there are trust issues involved here but I think they start with her. It just doesn't sound right that she texts back and forth with this guy several times a day, for days, erases all signs of those messages, and doesn't trust her husband enough to tell him what's going on (assuming it is nothing). Of course I'm not trying to say it is all her fault and not his, in fact, it may be all his fault for trying to take her down a road she didn't want to go. Maybe he could start out communication without revealing what he knows and see how it goes but if she tries denying he could then bring it up. Of course option 3 is also a possibility and she has been making plans to surprise her hubby with a threesome or something and it all blows up in his face, but personally I find that highly unlikely.

 

[ReadyOne]

So what do you want to have happen?

Will you get behind her and support her affair? Create an environment where she doesn't have to hide anything?

Will you decide that broken trust is fatal, confront her, and push her away?

Will you pretend that nothing's happening, and just watch? Or will you even stop checking?

What's the best thing that can happen for you?

 

[wellnow]

Why did she erase all her text messages so they couldn't be viewed? I think you're right that there are trust issues involved here but I think they start with her. It just doesn't sound right that she texts back and forth with this guy several times a day, for days, erases all signs of those messages, and doesn't trust her husband enough to tell him what's going on (assuming it is nothing). Of course I'm not trying to say it is all her fault and not his, in fact, it may be all his fault for trying to take her down a road she didn't want to go. Maybe he could start out communication without revealing what he knows and see how it goes but if she tries denying he could then bring it up. Of course option 3 is also a possibility and she has been making plans to surprise her hubby with a threesome or something and it all blows up in his face, but personally I find that highly unlikely.

It is my custom to erase all my text messages regularly both incoming and outgoing. I've never seen a reason to keep them. I guess here my question would be, "Does she keep all other text messages?"

While writing this, I just realized that it could very well be him hitting on her and her rejecting. If she doesn't consider it serious, it makes a lot of sense to me because she wouldn't want to break up your friendship just because your friend flirted with her a bit to see what might happen. I doubt that is uncommon.

good luck

 

[Andee_julie]

I've been away from this forum for sometime- I understand what Sw
eetErika says and yes the fantasy was there and i shared it with my wife.

It's taken me a long time to respond to this post becasue i have been left reeling and hurt by my wife's actions.
My wife's actions have left our marriage in a real mess.

I'm really not sure if my fantasies had much bearing on her actions, but i also do not dissmiss that i played a part.
The hurt has come from her cheating and not being able to cummincate her sexual feelings.

My motive in all this was to spice our sex life up, in what i though was a solid and happy relationship, (regardless of life's hardships).

I must also say that since her affair, we have met another guy and we both really enjoyed the sexual experience ( i watched). It was amazing to see my lovely wife enjoying sex). I know this may sound odd, but i've really wanted to see her enjoy sex as a thrid party for years.

What i don't understand is that she fell for my best friend and that she
felt that she couldn't share that with me.

I think there is a big difference in sharing and experimenting you're marriage sex with others and doing it behind you're partners back.

The whole reason of experimetning was to spice our love life up. Why did she feel that she couldn't share her sexual feelings?

I would have said no to sharing with our friends, simply because it would have spoilt our lond term friendship.....

It all seems so hypocritical on her part and now i'm left feeling completely cheated on.

 

[SweetErika]

What i don't understand is that she fell for my best friend and that she
felt that she couldn't share that with me.

I think there is a big difference in sharing and experimenting you're marriage sex with others and doing it behind you're partners back.

The whole reason of experimetning was to spice our love life up. Why did she feel that she couldn't share her sexual feelings?

I would have said no to sharing with our friends, simply because it would have spoilt our lond term friendship.....

It all seems so hypocritical on her part and now i'm left feeling completely cheated on.

Have you asked her those questions?

Are you seeing a therapist alone or as a couple?

It's a shame she cheated on you, and that was totally wrong. However, we can't always help who we fall for and a lot of people don't deal with that well because they're afraid of how their partners will feel, react, or the primary relationship isn't strong enough to handle such a revelation. That's no excuse since feeling and doing are two very different things, but it might give you some insight into why your wife didn't communicate with you (although if you really want to know, you'll ask her, of course).

At this point, you can either try to make lemonade from lemons by strengthening your communication and relationship and move forward, or end it. Hopefully you'll talk about both of your needs at length and figure out how you can fix what you need to.

Good luck!

 

[ms_sub_liminal]

the best advice would be to just ask why she's been so finicky about the phone lately. the question itself is innocent enough. if you feel the need to push it then approach it from a "i know we've been married a long time" angle instead of "i'm so insecure i hacked your phone account".

for me, here are some key pieces of evidence.

it's almost been 10 years
he's your best friend
you've mentioned wanting to add another person to your play

personally, i'd probably be planning something special for such an important anniversary. it's possible, since he's your best friend, your wife is using him as a co-conspirator for a surprise party or awesome gift. now i don't know your wife, but speaking from a personal angle again, if i knew my husband was interested in bringing another person into our play an anniversary would be a good time to try it. especially as a gift to him if i wasn't 100% interested myself. i'd also probably feel more comfortable asking a friend for advice or to join in than a stranger.

just some other things to consider. either it's nothing, it's something and she won't tell, or it's something and maybe she just didn't know how to bring it up but this will give her the chance. either way, nothing will get you further than be honest about your worries. i wish you the best of luck.

 

[Andee_julie]

Hi SweetErika
I have asked many many questions ans she answers everthing in a very minimalistic manner.
She has never given anything sexually, hence my attempt to spice it up a little and when i think about that, it seems so wrong.
She only ever thinks about herself in the bed :-(
Mmmmm - going to have to think very hard about this..

Thanks
Andy

 

[phelon]

Hi SweetErika
I have asked many many questions ans she answers everthing in a very minimalistic manner.
She has never given anything sexually, hence my attempt to spice it up a little and when i think about that, it seems so wrong.
She only ever thinks about herself in the bed :-(
Mmmmm - going to have to think very hard about this..

Thanks
Andy

when she answers in such a minimalist fashion, do you ask her to elaborate?
does that make her defensive? does she try to put off the conversations? does this only apply to sex as a topic or is it happening in talks about the relationship in general? have you asked her about therapy?

from the pieces you have stated... at the very least a good series of communication therapy sessions would be advisable. if not that, then a secondary form .. some self help therapy for you both...
get a couple books on communication... you read it and mark down what you thought was important and needs working on... then she reads the same book and does the same... then you compare and see what you both agree needs addressing which gives you common ground to start from