Reflections on Death

[TheOlderGuy]

Reflections on Death

November 10, 2004

A decade ago I lost both my parents, two years apart. While there’s no doubt that the sense of loss is profound when a parent dies, I nonetheless carried with me a sense of them still being, somewhere there deep within me. Scarcely a day passed for most of those years that I don’t see those parts of me, my gestures, phrases, outlooks, the very stuff of life -- that were really them.

We had such easy uncontaminated love for each other, not showy, not pompous, not even visible except in the comfort we had with each other. I grew up not even realizing that this was unusual, and that most of the peers I would meet over the years would not have the benefit of stable loving parents. The decade since has been far more filled with quiet gratitude for their lives, than mourning for their deaths. They each had chosen to die, having lived well into their eighties, having found each other as teenagers, having happily worked hard to raise three sons, and having spent over sixty years married to each other. I celebrate each day ‘who’ they were, and what life was like with them. Life moves faster now, but I am better able to deal with that because of what I learned from them. It is, as they say, all good.

My son’s best friend, Mike, was the sort of kid you were always happy that your kids were with. The call at 3 AM, “Dad, I’m at the Winchester Police Station. Mike totaled my car and he’s dead.” was the worst call ever. I shouted ”No!” clearly without the power to restore Mike’s life.

Mike’s life was amazing, know by all for his inclusive personality, his principled and consistent effort to bring people of all varieties together. His services were attended by about a thousand people, all in shock over our sudden loss. He will be long remembered for the light he brought to so many lives and his sincere and sunny smile. We cry almost every day, and it’s been eight months.

My brother, the middle of the three, was found dead on Monday, after a year of mysterious debilitation. Mysterious because he was not the sort to ask a doctor what to do, so he decayed slowly by himself, shutting out anyone who asked to help. I was not shocked by my brother’s death, but it leaves a strange and unfamiliar void between myself and my brother thirteen years older. Richard was the one that negotiated the issues between all family members, and who chronologically always separated me, the youngest, from the oldest, and now Richard was gone..

I will miss them all, but they are all such different experiences. Accepting that has been a lovely lesson. I welcome the comments of all on their experiences with death.

Please reflect with us.

 

[tulip2lipservice]

First off

I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

One thing we all should remember is that we are only on this earth for a blink of an eye in comparision to how long the human race has been about. People do not realize that their prescence have touched another in this world. Sometimes it is just a simple smile when one is blue or having a bad day.

I try to remember those that have touched my life no matter how long they were with me. Hopefully my feeling of they are in my mind, heart, and soul will bring solice to you.

Death reminds me to value those about me. To allow another to know that they do mean something to me.

Years ago a friend of mine was killed in a highly publicized situation. Almost three days before he was killed I was on the phone with him talking about setting up a ski trip. Before I hung up the phone I said, "**** I am so happy you are in my life and love you." He replied, "you are acting like you are never going to see me again." I tried to make light of it and said something like, "I just wanted you to know this." Well, I never did speak or see him again.

So many things happen to us and they turn out to be reminders of what is truly important in life. You can make all the money in the world but if you do not take time out for the people in your life you will be missing out. You need to try to take the time to express how important others are in your life. Make sure you can look yourself in the mirror with the decisions you make. I know I do not want to be on my death bed without loved ones about.

Again I am sorry for your losses.

Peace,
Tulip

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

I lost my dad 36 years ago when I was over seas and to this day I still miss him. I was just a young pup when the good Lord decided it was time for him to come home. There are gestures and small quirks about him that I will always remember. Ahhhh...memories......they will never die. I still cry on certain occasions.

My dear Mother is still around and I dread the day she goes. There's eight of us they gave life to. She has been and still is the backbone of our family. She is the greatest woman I will ever want to know.

" love you mom and pop, I miss you "

 

[TheOlderGuy]

Thank you all for your empathy and your thoughts.
I think we often avoid those feelings, perhaps
because it reminds us too much of our own mortality.

 

[Cathleen]

My condolences on each of your loses.

I lost my mom eleven years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of her, see her in my actions or more likely my actions that reminded her of her mother. I never knew her mother but apparently I am a living replica of her attitudes, actions and maybe even thoughts. I always enjoyed that too, I would drive my mom crazy with simple things I did, unknowingly, things that her own mother had done that drove her crazy..... the beauty of the generations.

Losing a loved one is difficult but one thing my mother always taught us was there were worse things then death. She was right, there are many tragic events or diseases that are far worse then death.

I had a very interesting experience in 2001. I became very ill, in fact I joke now that I was so close to death that I had dirt in my fingernails. I got the 'get your affairs in order' talk from my doctors and I did just that. I learned so much from considering my own death.

Obviously, (yea, yea), I am alive. While I am extremely grateful to be alive, I do not fear death. I realized though, I was more afraid to live before that experience then I am now. Yes, it was an eyeopener, yes, it is strange to feel yourself dying ~ I should clarify that, it is strange to feel your body dying, my spirit was very much alive and struggling to stay alive. I felt quite alone in my thoughts, my family just couldn't 'hear' me when I said there is still something wrong, I'm dying. I can understand it must have been difficult for them. I was heard in time, it was close but it was in time.

To consider your own mortality is amazing, now I don't wish people to have to come so close to do so, but I wonder if there is any other way. It isn't an experience that many share and it is difficult to relate what it was like. I look at that time as a gift, I am not afraid to live anymore, as I was previously, there are many gifts to the experience. I still have health troubles and sure they limit me in some ways but the education I received as a result is priceless ~ just like each day.

 

[ChromeCollar]

I lost my dad five months ago. The first funeral I've ever been to, and the first time I've had someone close to me die. I havent faced it I dont think. I pretend it's someone else's grave I am putting flowers on every sunday, but once in a while it comes crashing down.

When I press his speed dial number on my cell phone, or little lame things like that. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I would hate to see a loved one suffer before death, not being able to help. I hope the loss eases for you, and the rest of your family.

Wish I had better words of wisdom or empathy to offer, but I dont know what to do for myself half the time, much less someone else.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

CC, sorry to hear of your struggle.
Do you have someone to talk to about it?
I know sometimes it has to stay inside,
but the words of another can sometimes help.

 

[dragonhearted]

during the first pregnancy (Ariane), my stepdaddy died....he was someone I had immense respect for. just two days before Ari was born, Gram died (she was my father's foster mom). during my second pregnancy (Clio) my father died...and a few months later...Grandma died (I was close to her).

These days...I think of Grandma and Daddy often. I sometimes feel their spirits watching over me...can almost hear Daddy giving me hell for the screwups I have made. I miss them so much...but I dream about them every so often. As long as I have my dreams, they are never really very far away.

My heart goes out to you, OlderGuy.

 

[Guest]

I want to embrace each of you but I can't.

 

[masterplan20]

When I was 13 years old my older sister died suddenly due to an error by the doctor treating her epilepsy. My entire family was stunned. Everybody shut down and went into themselves trying to cope with the loss. My mother to this day blames herself for her death. I was just hitting puberty and jr. high.....alone. I too went into my own little depressive world. Getting into fights and all sorts of trouble. It changed my life and sent me into a depression that lasted 8 years. It turned me hard.

To be continued.

 

[JustSkye]

When I was 13 years old my older sister died suddenly due to an error by the doctor treating her epilepsy. My entire family was stunned. Everybody shut down and went into themselves trying to cope with the loss. My mother to this day blames herself for her death. I was just hitting puberty and jr. high.....alone. I too went into my own little depressive world. Getting into fights and all sorts of trouble. It changed my life and sent me into a depression that lasted 8 years. It turned me hard.

To be continued.

(((((MP))))) my dear , sweet friend .


And to everyone who has lost someone

 

[Holly Delight]

Death

This is a subject I do not deal with well. I still have all of my close family members and embrace them every chance I get. To think of not having someone here is too much for me to even think about. I do not know what I will do if something ever happens to any one of them.

I may have to come back to those of you who are handling your situations well. My heart goes out to all of you.

 

[masterplan20]

Continuation......


Alone.

That is what I was left after 3-13-88. My brother had to deal with it in his own was considering he was closest to my sister growing up with an abusive mother and father. My dad.....well he's just that. My dad, solitary even without a tragedy. My mother pretty much lost her mind and dug herself a hole into which she has yet to emerge and probably never will.

My sister was only 22 when she died.
Description in words cannot do justice to the pain and loss I felt in losing the person who pretty much raised me. I found her after I came home from school. She was setting the VCR for my mothers tv program and the experimental drug the doctor prscribed to her had a bad reaction and she went into some form of shock. Her eyes were rolled into her head, white foam was coming from her nose and mouth. It was horrifying. My dad was home because 2 months prior he had had a major heart attack and was still recovering from the open heart surgery. We called the ambulance and that was the last time I ever saw of my sister. The funeral is still to this day a blur.
I didn't realize the affect her death had upon me until about 8 years later. The mark left upon me is an invisible scar which can never be removed. I can be heartless and cold in many of lifes situations. Guilt and remorse can be quaffed easily compared to the pain I endured all those years ago and it took me a long time to learn how to care about anything again. The pain hasn't subsided.....I've just gotten used to it.

 

[ChromeCollar]

CC, sorry to hear of your struggle.
Do you have someone to talk to about it?
I know sometimes it has to stay inside,
but the words of another can sometimes help.

Not really. Most of my closest friends dont understand, because they've never had someone so close to them pass. How can you understand if you've not experienced it I guess. I just keep barreling away the best I know how.

He passed of a massive heart attack, very sudden and unexpected, but I am grateful that he didnt suffer. It was quick. Threads like this are soothing to read, seeing how other people cope gives me ideas and strength.

 

[tulip2lipservice]

Death is not easy and

there is no manual out there or liscence one receives to prepare ourselves for it. Sometimes we all have to step back and accept the way we might mourn and others. It might not be what you would do but it is what the other needs to do in order to survive. There is no right or wrong, however we need to be realistic in the time frame and what we hold on to that is not positive. A time frame where we accept those feelings that lock us away within our own being that does not allow us to enjoy life to the fullest.

MP the memory should never leave especially the good ones shared but the pain should at least be bearable and not overtake you for the rest of your life. I have questioned others and myself after a death, "Would they want you/me to be living life this way?" So MP would your sister want your life to be filled with pain, distrust and negativity? That you have to finish the rest of your life out in misery? I get the idea especially since she took the time to raise you that she wanted to protect you from harm and wanted you to have a wonderful life, with little pain and filled with good things.

I have had talks with people about death and some close to dying. Those experiences were eye opening. The majority of people expressed the want of their loved ones to live and to have the fullest life possible. Just because they die does not mean it is our time to stop living or to enjoy life.

There are times you cannot control the overwhelming feelings of sadness even years later. A holiday, birthday, wonderful event, or even another death makes you ponder on that person that has touched you in life. It can bring you back to that dark place for a bit and make you wail like a baby for hours and/or days. It is not a bad thing to reflect on them and how important they were in your life. In a way it is a sign that you have loved and were loved.

Realize there has to be a reason why we are still living. Make sure you let those that mean something to you know. Find closure on the negative things because negativity will only breed negativity. Life is funny. Time will not stop. We have to keep on until our last breath. I know I want to make the most of it with little regrets while I am still on this planet.

Gentle Hugs to those that have expressed sentiments here.

Peace,
Tulip

 

[cookiejar]

My heart goes out to you TOG. I lost my grandmother in March 2001. As long as I can remember she was the strong one, I had never seen her cry. My grandfather was always more loving towards us. Don't get me wrong, she loved us but had a hard time expressing it. Her wish was to die at home and the last time I visited which was 2 days before she died, she cried. She placed her hand on my cheek and just said, "I love you." I miss her more than I ever thought possible.

Love and peace to you my friend.

 

[overthebow]

I was not and am not very close to my parents. I left home when I was 17. They had a stable marriage, but they weren't very demonstrative toward their children. They ignored us mostly.

When my father died, I wasn't really moved. I hadn't been around him much for 20 years. My mother was devastated. I spent some time with her and heard her wake up in the middle of the night, crying. In the morning, she wouldn't talk about it. I respected her privacy, but she was still closed up.

I lost a friend to cancer about four years ago. He had been my business partner. We had travelled together, got drunk together, gone to a house of prostitution in Amsterdam together. Before he got sick, I used to dream about him all the time. He was just there with me in my dreams. We didn't talk to each other in my dreams, but he would be there with a look, a glance, that he understood what I was feeling.

He wasn't supposed to die of cancer. At each step of his diagnosis, the treatments that were prescribed never had a 50-50 chance of survival. They were always 60-40, 75-25, 80-20. But he always ended up on the short side of the ratio. We knew a guy with the same cancer who survived, and the last set of treatments were 80-20 and our friend had made it through that and survived. My best friend did the treatments, finished on Monday, was admitted to the hospital for difficulty with his breathing on Friday and was dead in 6 hours.

The last time I saw him, I told him I loved him. I had never told him that before. I wasn't in the habit of telling people I loved them. I do it more frequently these days. I kind of went overboard for a while after he died and told all kinds of people I loved them. It freaked them out, sometimes.

For about a year after he died, I felt him around me. I would turn and expect him to be there. I would be driving to work, turn to the passenger seat and expect him to be there to talk to me. I still dream of him, but not as much as before.

 

[Georgia Girl]

This December will be three years without my grandfather. He was the only one I ever had, the other had passed prior to my birth.

Facing surgery we knew he had given up, just by his attitude but we did everything we could to try and get him to want to keep going. The day of the surgery we were all at the hospital, his children, grandchildren and the great grandchildren. He made it through and held on for two weeks but was steadily declining.

The last night, once again we were all there, we knew it was the end. The great grandchildren were each allowed to tell Old Pop goodbye, then the grandchildren and we left leaving our mom's there to stay with our grandmother and wait until the end.

We got two blocks away when the phone call came that he was gone. Those who know me know that I don't say "goodbye", its something I don't say but for some reason that night I did. The last words I said to him were "Bye bye Hot Rod, I'll see you in a while, I love you."

When I think about it, I feel my Pop behind me. Many times it has been as if he were there supporting me when I didn't know if I had the strength.

I miss my Pop and always will.

 

[swagman]

1987

In 1987, both of my wife's parents died, 11 months apart to the day from completely seperate reasons. Her mum was 58 and her dad was 61.
At the time our lives were ordinary, we were 25 years old and we were struggling with a young family and there seemed to be no way out of the mire we wallowed in on a daily basis.

These incidents, the fact that I was once resusitated, and a few other incidents in that period brought us to a realisation that life is very very short, but also very very precious.
We also realised that if we want to do things, we have to do them now!!!! not tomorrow, because we have an obligation to ourselves, and our families to wring the last drop out of each and every day. We went ahead and changed our lives for the better. We left our miserable lives and found new ones in a different place.

So the main thing I learned, and I hope I live to my belief, is that death, as miserable, painful and depressing as it is, it must make me celebrate life each and every day.

I sympathise with your losses. I hope you find strength in your pain.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

once again i thank you all for
your expressions of sympathy,
but even more for the sharing
of your experiences with death.

i started this thread with my own personal experiences,
but it's intended not to focus on that, but
to provide a forum for people to talk about
a subject that we usually don't talk about.

i am deeply touched by all of your stories.

 

[Guest]

A decade ago I lost both my parents, two years apart.

My son’s best friend, Mike, was the sort of kid you were always happy that your kids were with. The call at 3 AM, “Dad, I’m at the Winchester Police Station. Mike totaled my car and he’s dead.”

My brother, the middle of the three, was found dead on Monday, after a year of mysterious debilitation.

my condolences. I lost friends or classmates to OD's, car accidents, suicide, etc. Lost my grandmother at age 16 and an aunt 2 years ago. It helps some to keep in mind that death is a reward for a life of struggle.

 

[TamedTiger]

I'm still relatively new to the lit board, so even though I don't know any of you, I hope no one minds if I share my experience.

First, my condolences to everyone. Loss is something that touches everyone at some point in life ... and though I used to be tired of hearing "I'm sorry" there really is nothing more to say as grief is highly personal and individual.

My uncle and my best friend died a little over a year ago, simultaneously in an accident. My uncle raised me since I was five, and I new my best friend since the time I turned twelve. That happened while I was still living in Australia. I moved to NY right after. A little less than three months ago, my grandfather died. He also lived in Australia, and we were very close. I spent many of my summers at his beach house.

It's a lot of loss to handle in such a short amount of time. Still, while time may not heal wounds completely ... I have found that it does help. And I have found it also helps to share, and to talk to other people who knew both my grandfather and my uncle. I believe it is important to remember, never forget what each person meant to us.

Again, my condolences to everyone.

 

[huskie]

I lost my dad about two weeks before my son was borne. He would have been 58 had he live another week...... I think he took an over dose of his back pain killers. I expected him to do something similar to this sooner or later so I was a little prepared. None the less it makes it no easier. I miss him most NOW during Football season. I wanna pick up the mbl phone and call about ten times during each of my sons football games and tell him about the play his grandson just made or call him during a tech game and complain about an officials bad call.....

I know he's out of his pain but he truly had a lot more to live for than he realized or wanted to admit. He died, in his sleep 7 months ago. And I miss him

 

[TheOlderGuy]

my condolences and congratulations
to each of you.

your stories really touch me.

thank you so much for being willing to share.
death is such a common event,
but it changes our lives
to lose someone close.

does anyone have the feeling
that their dear departed still talks to them?