Recipe for Making Love

These are personal preferences, so take them for what they're worth. Please, don't ever tell me that something is a true story. It might be based on a true story, but most of life is pretty boring and I really don't care if your story is real or not. My immediate response is usually to think Penthouse Letters and back click. Please also try to avoid using measurements. There are much more interesting ways to tell us that your girlfriend is 5'9" with 30DD breasts. You used a more interesting way to tell us she's American.

Your beginning didn't really grab me. You gave us one paragraph about the great sex you have with her, followed by several paragraphs about how you met her. Just a suggestion, but you could have had a stronger start if you had started with the third paragraph with her in her red dress and included a bit about how she wasn't available. You could have built up a bit of tension, making us wonder if she would be yours.

Your writing is very descriptive, with some very interesting turns of phrase. Bits like "Then, taking a mental cold shower, I walked off in the other direction." were a lot of fun to read. Overall, i thought it was a well written story.
 
These are personal preferences, so take them for what they're worth. Please, don't ever tell me that something is a true story. It might be based on a true story, but most of life is pretty boring and I really don't care if your story is real or not. My immediate response is usually to think Penthouse Letters and back click. Please also try to avoid using measurements. There are much more interesting ways to tell us that your girlfriend is 5'9" with 30DD breasts. You used a more interesting way to tell us she's American.

Your beginning didn't really grab me. You gave us one paragraph about the great sex you have with her, followed by several paragraphs about how you met her. Just a suggestion, but you could have had a stronger start if you had started with the third paragraph with her in her red dress and included a bit about how she wasn't available. You could have built up a bit of tension, making us wonder if she would be yours.

Your writing is very descriptive, with some very interesting turns of phrase. Bits like "Then, taking a mental cold shower, I walked off in the other direction." were a lot of fun to read. Overall, i thought it was a well written story.


Thanks for the feedback freshface. Much appreciated.
 
I agree with freshface. You need a better hook. Also, All that narrative in the beginning should either be incorporated into the rest of the story here and there, or you need some dialogue. I think it's a decent story, and your writing is pretty good, but I think it's hard to hold a reader's attention through that much narrative with no dialogue right out of the box. Even up to the part where they are starting to have sex, I think it needs dialogue.

As I entered the kitchen and we started chatting,
Here's the perfect place for some dialogue. I realize what they were probably talking about is of no consequence to the story, but you have a chance here to humanize them, to develop your characters, to make the readers feel empathy for and identify with them.

The mention of the girl being 5' 9" didn't bother me, but I can see reading it over again that it's not really necessary. You can simply say she is quite tall with a dancer's body, and we'll know what you mean.

I think this paragraph pulls the reader out of the moment:
By now, she could no doubt feel my stiffening erection against her bum. In truth, while I was upstairs, the flashback to that party and our first date had already made me horny. I remembered feeling her beautiful body for the first time in the back of that black cab. As I thought of her, I freed my cock from my jeans and began to stroke it. It was then that the thought of going and taking Julia in the kitchen had returned to me.
You're taking us from the present arousal and touching and pulling us into the past and then to the more recent past and then to the present again. It's a bit disconcerting. I think you could put this part elsewhere if you think it's important.

Again, during the next part, where they are starting to kiss and touch each other, they said nothing? I can imagine being so turned on I'm almost speechless, but it doesn't seem that they would be to that point yet.

You start a lot of paragraphs with I and She. You might want to mix that up a bit.

I loved the second gasp she made as I pushed one finger inside her. It slid in easily and I began to move in and out of her with shallow strokes. I felt her breasts with one hand as I continued to work her pussy with the other, kissing her fully on the mouth as I did. I loved to tease her like this. I could see and hear the effect it was having on her, not only from her heightened breathing but from the way I could feel her hardening nipples through her thin top and bra. Our kisses were becoming frantic now, tongues probing each other's mouths as our moist lips ground against each other.

A few things in this paragraph. You have a habit of saying "began to move" and "could see" and "could feel" How about just "moved" and "saw" and "felt"? Notice also how many times you use "I" in this paragraph. This is always a problem with first person. Don't get me wrong, I prefer first person myself. You just have to watch this. For example, your first sentences could be written something like this: Her second gasp as I pushed one finger inside her pussy delighted me, and it slid in easily, moving in and out with shallow strokes. Ok, so that's not the best, but I hope you can see what I mean.

Use double quotes "like this" for dialogue.

I notice you use the word slip and slipped quite a bit. I have this same problem. A good friend of mine once said, "The thesaurus is your friend. Use it." :D She's right. Here's one online: http://thesaurus.reference.com/

The feeling of being naked with her in the kitchen of her shared house felt naughty and I could tell we were both enjoying it.

Really? How could you tell she was enjoying it?

She slid me further into her mouth now and I could feel her sucking hard on me. As she did, her pierced tongue darted along the underside of my shaft. The stud of her piercing felt wonderful and she knew just how to use it to make her mouth feel incredible on me.

In the first sentence, you say "I could feel her sucking..." We know you can feel it. You could just say She slid me further into her mouth and began sucking me hard. or something to that effect. You say she knew how to use the piercing, and it felt wonderful. Tell us how. Tell us what you mean by "wonderful." Also, you don't need to say "the stud of her piercing." You already said her tongue was pierced in the previous sentence. You could just say "stud" and be done with it.

'I want to see your tits' I said, almost begging.

As I said it, I moved forward gently and leaned down to undo her bra strap. It popped open as I undid it and set her beautiful breasts free.

I think this part is inconsistent. You're begging to see her tits, but then you move forward gently to undo her bra. I think begging would be more consistent with more rough behavior. I think I'd just leave "gently" off.

'Oh, you dirty little slut,' I breathed, 'That feels so good.'

This should look like this: "Oh, you dirty little slut," I breathed. "That feels so good." Notice that it's two sentences.

'Lick my balls baby,' I gently commanded.
Again, this seems inconsistent. Either take out the word gently or change the word commanded to something else.

She fucking knew I did. I could only moan back as I continued to slide between her perfect breasts. All at once, she let go, releasing the pressure from around my dick.

I really like this paragraph. You're staying in character with the narration and letting your excitement build along with the character by saying "She fucking knew I did," and "from around my dick," as opposed to the narrator using more polite language. I think that's something we forget. I like it. :cool:

You might want to limit your use of -ly adverbs. Most of the time they are either completely unneccesary or another word would work better.

Some of your dialogue seems a bit stilted to me. Try saying it aloud and think about whether your character would say it that way.

What was the point of this story? How were your characters changed by what happened to them? Do you know? Because it seems like a vignette to me and not really a story. You built up into it, but all they did was fuck in the kitchen. Nothing else really happened. Just something for you to think about next time.

I hope this is helpful to you and not too much to take in. I'm afraid I got carried away. I do see a lot of potential there, and I think you know it as, well. Otherwise, you'd not have asked for feedback. :)
 
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