Ready for a relationship - what now?

[Cakegirl]

I’ve always been of the impression that if you’re ready for something, the universe will present it to you. I decided I wanted a pet and suddenly my friend gives me a call asking if I want a kitten, you know.

So here’s my question - I’m sooo ready for a boyfriend - why can’t I find one?

I don’t want just sex with whoever. (Been there, done that, not interested any more.) I guess I’m at a place now where I’m emotionally ready to commit myself to a relationship with one person… but where is he???

I do have a theory - I think that I scare men off. I have a couple of friends who are in the same sort of situation that I’m in, and we’re all the same ‘type’ of girls: we’re intelligent, confident, independent, powerful and experienced. And we’re all desperately single!

Guys say that they want an intelligent woman - but I’m beginning to suspect they all just want a bimbo who gives great head!

Other girls I know seem to have a never-ending supply of guys to date - as soon as they’re finished with one, another steps forward. I want to know where my share is!!!

I’m not a recluse or anything - I go out with a wide variety of friends in different social circles, I’m involved in several sporting groups - hell I even *wrestle* men twice a week! And yet noone seems to want to occupy that empty seat opposite me at my dinner table (or the other half of my bed).

I guess I’m just looking for suggestions on how to find someone, how to tell if they’re interested, how to let them know you’re interested back, and how to progress it from there!

Cakegirl

 

[ullr]

Some ideas...

Hello there cakegirl....

some suggestions...Hmm: you wrestle with guys twice a week? Is this coed intramural wrestling?

Well, ya got your nerds and your jocks. In ski towns, you'll find lots and lots of hunks without a girlfriend, and great sex-ratios for finding one. If he's a local, you'll likely find a loyal one.

From personal experience, as well as tutelege, I know that "appearing dumb" can be a charming art with disarming appeal to the opposite sex! SO, why not add that to your wily armitarium of female seduction? (One strategy: model your self on your guy-friends mothers; this, of course, is a short-term strategy--suppressing yourself won't last in the long run.)

There's also books: "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills is chock full of ideas about where to find who you're looking for, seduction, and what are the stumbing blocks to keeping the pair-bond going. The idea of the soft-sell being a more uniquely feminine form of mating-advertising is also well-developed in Desmond Morris (or is that with one "r?") "Manwatching," And then there's David Buss' "The Evolution of Desire," to help understand this phenomenon. (All these authores are psychologsits, save Morris who is a zoologist.)

If that doesn't work, move on to the nerds; there's always a better-looking, if not always very good-looking one there eager for female attentions!

If being aggressie scares males off, remember its not their fault that their mothers weren't aggressive themselves; whether from generational differences or from pregnancy (and the hormone changes it produces) or motherhood by itself, you're not the first to have to deal with these differences (and there is a growing literature on your plaint). But I think men, like women, are romantically drawn more to the type of personalities and temperments we've grown up with, i.e., our parents, than those that are different; relatively few males have uppity aggressive mothers than females have fathers (or else they couldn't be mothers and have the patience little children demand!)--hence your dilemma. Call it human imprinting (see Attachment Theory).

My opinion? It might be as much biological as psychological; I think males appreciate your-type more when we're older, when eligible men are more flexible and adaptive to the female market of availables.

--Orson

 

[mattlinc]

patience

Cake
This probably isn't answer you are looking for however comma...
I had absolutely NO desire to settle down, get married, even be monogamous for the longest time....then.......
Seems like the week after I turned 25, (sounds kinda like you) it was like somebody thru a switch, and I couldn't wait to find MY girl to marry. I was actually so eager to BE married that I almost made serious commitments, twice, to young women I was dating.
FOUR years later, quite after I had gotten over my eager stage and was wondering IF I would ever find Ms. Right....bang.....there she was, fell in love at first week.
Fourteen years later we are still very much in love. So, my advice to you girlie is.....have patience, relax, it WILL happen. Your prince is out there somewhere.
Merry Christmas
Matt

 

[Bandit58]

The right guy will come along for you when you're not even looking, it happened for me......I'd just got out of a 23 year marriage, wasn't even thinking about another relationship and bang - I met the most wonderful guy online and that was it, for both of us. Granted we still have obstacles to overcome before we can be together permanently but in another 6 months.....

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Cakegirl]

Orson, Matt and Bandit,

Thanks for your thoughts… I’m in Australia and it’s the middle of summer, so the chance of me finding a cute ski instructor are pretty slim right now!!! Yes, I wrestle. No idea what intramural means, but it’s Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (no waxing jokes please!) and I’m the only girl in the class…

I sooo can’t appear dumb. Firstly because it goes against every cell in my body, secondly, if I attracted someone because I was dumb, wouldn’t I just scare him off when he realised I wasn’t? And third, I kind of get off on intellectual power play a bit - which only happens when it’s two smart people who are bouncing off each other’s intelligence!

Orson, I’ll check out the books you recommended on Amazon.com.

Do I really have to become someone’s mother in order to be attractive?! OK, then assuming that’s true, where do I find guys whose mothers weren’t afraid to state their mind or do their own thing?

Matt - you sound like me. I had no interest in settling down either. Even when I was much younger, my friends would all be dreaming about the perfect wedding while I was off reading a book on aeroplanes or learning how to play a new instrument… And here I am, also 25, totally starting to ‘settle’ - bought a nice car, a house, organised my career and study options for the next 5 years or so…

Oh, yeah, tell me - do guys get freaked out by a girl who bought her own house? Just that I know so many people (my father included) who are just astounded that a single woman would buy a house by herself!

>have patience, relax, it WILL happen. Your prince is out there somewhere.

Argh - patience! Where can I buy that again? Is the shop open now? Because I want it right away!

In the meantime, I guess I have sit tight and try to find another outlet for the pentup sexual energy I have!

Cakegirl

 

[Cakegirl]

Re: Re: Ready for a relationship - what now?

I'm sure someone out there is going to have a problem with something I said, so it will be interesting to hear counterpoints to this.

Actually, Pink Orchid, a lot of what you said made perfect sense, and it's at least given me something to think about for a while!

I'm not actually that macho - but I do know that I'm very full-on. Very interesting to try to turn me into an onion/Russian doll, but hey, I'm pretty much up for any challenge that comes along, so why not try it!

Cakegirl

 

[ullr]

When I lost my virginity at 18,

I was with an older divorced woman of 26 in graduate school. Carol told me had no respect for Mensa--UNTIL she heard is was a good place to pick up men! She did me...

Although we met at a political meeting, I think Mensa's where she met her second husband.

http://www.au.mensa.org/
I know intellectually competitive men typically join, too. (Some male friends.)

PART of it simply IS that you are in Austrailia--where men in the anglosphere are more macho than in the US and elsewhere, and hence more traditional. (YOU? An Aussie?--yeah it took me by surprise.) For instance, you write "Oh, yeah, tell me - do guys get freaked out by a girl who bought her own house? Just that I know so many people (my father included) who are just astounded that a single woman would buy a house by herself!" Even in the traditional heartland of the US, this is longer unusual--no surprise.

NOW, are you in a city or a small town? (NOT likely rural--you're educating me about Austrailia--the last Aussie I befriended was 10 years ago, and even he was an immigrant [from Russia])

Well, about "dumb"--it isn't so much being dumb as NOT BEING opinionated! Instead, be willing and look eager to listen--you could be solving derivatives in your head as long as you appear to be listening!

For instance, if you know any immigrant women, go out with them--pretend to be foreign, and don't know English well, immitate her--make up a good backstory to tell--and go out! (I know it works: I once lived with a Greek student who was an absolute master of seduction despite being short and fat. When I
did the same, I was soon dating three very attractuive women at once! All I did was start affecting a good accent, name, and brief-story--nobody cought on for two months or so (if then).
BUT again, Austrailia may be different from the midwest of America--foreigners may not be welcome anymore or strike your fellow Aussie's as charming as they may have....You're the best judge of this!

As PinkOrchid advises "Ask him lots of questions that allow HIM to show HIS strengths, don't just sit there and show him how strong you are." Be a listener--most men love to take charge, and deel like they're being heard (whether or not they really are).

It isn't that you need to become a man's mother to be attractive; it's enough to simply and subtly remind them of it in ways they may never realize. Remember: you're ahead in the game by simply being female! They will likely, however, stick with and fall in love with you if those elements are there in some degree. (Yes--Freud was right about it, I believe.)


Regarding other points by PinkOrchid, I agree with them all.

However, there is a point developed by Buss in interesting detail.
IT's often noted that "Men's magazines" feature busty nude or semi-nude women while women's fashion magazines display amazon skinny women, so unlike normal women. Why the difference?

According to evolutionary pyschology, women especially (but gay men, especially, too) dress NOT to attract the oppoite sex a such. Instead, they dress to stand out from fellow female competitors for male attention. It's a subtle yet important difference.
Now, knowing this, you can dress to stand out against other women, or else you can dress to please men's visual instincts.
Hence, sluttier. (But this can be, of course, inapproppriate--dressing with too much skin for a wake, for example.)

--Orson
PS "Intramural" is American college-speak for organized amatuer sports. I have a guy-friend who does martial arts--he does indeed date the few women available that he meets there...So why this is an obstacle for you Down Under, I haven't a clue, except that social mores are different there!

 

[PinkOrchid]

Re: When I lost my virginity at 18,

 

[Lust Engine]

I do have a theory - I think that I scare men off. I have a couple of friends who are in the same sort of situation that I’m in, and we’re all the same ‘type’ of girls: we’re intelligent, confident, independent, powerful and experienced. And we’re all desperately single!

Hmmm... "desperately single"?? Somehow I kinda lost when someone says they're "confident" & yet "desperate". I think all of the advice here is absolutely wonderful. From my own personal experience don't come across as desperate. It makes us guys wonder what's wrong with you. I find confidence extremely sexy but then I think the confidence has to be tempered to the point of non-threatening and that can be a fine line with certain men.

I do applaud all of your efforts to get out there as much as possible. Hang around places that you enjoy- find a common ground in order to ease the icebreaking process. I've always enjoyed volunteer events to meet people; you get to meet other like minded caring folks such as you.

Use your network of male friends, single & married friends... let them know you're looking. No shame in that. Word of mouth works wonders in advertising your virtues. And then the discussion started earlier as how to dress- be yourself! Dress in a way YOU feel comfortable & sexy in. It's about you & what you've got to offer.

Be confident, sexy, intelligent and all those wonderful things but never be desperate.

Good luck!

 

[Cakegirl]

BTW, just thought I'd update the people who responded here - believe it or not, I did manage to get together with someone soon after getting these replies! He's someone who I've known for a couple of years through my martial arts school, so there was none of that 'being overwhelmed by the cakegirlness of cakegirl' that happens when I first meet people sometimes... I already liked him a lot as a person and thought he was cute - he was surprised when he found out one day I was single - I guess he must have thought I had a man locked up at home who wasn't allowed to come to karate or something haha
~Cakegirl

 

[watergirl]

Cakegirl, you rock. and so does all the good advice here - hurrah!

just made me smile, and that's a good thing. Thanks !

 

[Vapidness]

Where are you Cakegirl, i'll take you out

 

[Cakegirl]

Haha a fair way north of you!

 

[Lust Engine]

BTW, just thought I'd update the people who responded here - believe it or not, I did manage to get together with someone soon after getting these replies! He's someone who I've known for a couple of years through my martial arts school, so there was none of that 'being overwhelmed by the cakegirlness of cakegirl' that happens when I first meet people sometimes... I already liked him a lot as a person and thought he was cute - he was surprised when he found out one day I was single - I guess he must have thought I had a man locked up at home who wasn't allowed to come to karate or something haha
~Cakegirl

Glad to know some good things come to those who are patient. Congrats & hope you have loads of laughs along the way.

 

[Flowerz]

Glad to hear that, cakegirl. Maybe there is still hope for the other women out there who are still wondering where/how to meet someone new. Thanks for the suggestions and idea everyone.

 

[Lust Engine]

Glad to hear that, cakegirl. Maybe there is still hope for the other women out there who are still wondering where/how to meet someone new. Thanks for the suggestions and idea everyone.

I think the most prevailing thought throughout this thread is be yourself. You'll find someone by being genuine & confident. Have some patience! There are just as many worthwhile guys out there looking too.