Readers and writers

[BlueElf]

I would definitely appreciate the time spent on reading my first story and letting me know what you think of it ( http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98445 ). Your recompense shall be in words or flicks of the tongue lol

BlueElf, who is very excited to have a story at Lit...like every other new author

 

[BlueElf]

Shameless bump

*bump*

Let me know what you think

BlueElf

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

BlueElf,
Congrats on your first story and welcome to Lit. You have done a good job on this one. I'll offer my opinions, of which you can take or leave.


Rick was excited to say the least. He couldn't believe he was finally getting to have dinner with Lauren. Dressed in his best suit (gray combo with dark purple suspenders and an elegant tie), he pulled in front of the hotel and looked again for the piece of paper with Lauren's room number on it. Freshly showered and shaved, he had to keep himself from running into the hotel and racing up the stairs to her fifth floor room.

I really don't think the quotations are needed. Just seperate those thoughts with normal commas.

The part about being freshly showered sounds out of place here, maybe it should be up in the beginning about him dressing and just leave the rest to tie in with him pulling up.

Setting dialogue apart from the rest of the paragraph makes it easier to read.

The only other suggestion would be to add more descriptive details. Such as smells, colors, sights etc. Paint the scene with how you see it. What did her dress look like, was it a sundress with flowers, off the shoulder? When he was leaning in the doorway was he leaning on his hand against the wall, was he leaning on his shoulder? Did his heart skip a beat when she unzipped his pants? Was she squirming under him as he went down on her or lieing perfectly still? Could Rick smell her perfume?
The story was a little short, which isn't always a bad thing, but could use more description in my opinion.

I think you get the idea.
I enjoyed your story, it was told in a very romantic way and had a tender feel to it, not like a quick, hurry up and fuck like animals way which was nice. Again good job and congrats on your first. Keep writing.

Wicked

 

[BlueElf]

Thank you SO much, Wicked

Thanks for the comments and kindly critiques. Also, I love your stories - especially your "Back to Good" one - very well-written and a nice romance as well

I agree with all of your comments and I guess hindsight is 20/20. I will definitely keep them in mind for future stories

BlueElf

 

[lyricalcandy]

BlueElf,

Hello there! My first story submission is still pending, so I will most likely soon be following in your footsteps. But for now, let me offer my feedback...

I think in writing, repetition can sometimes be a powerful tool, but sometimes it can just be ... well ... repetitive



"Now they kissed, and moved, and pressed close to one another. Now they whispered how wonderful and beautiful the other was. Now they caressed every inch of each other's bodies, while his cock caressed her pussy from the inside. Now they moved in tandem..."

" Was it the right angle of his cock? Was it the sight and scent of each other in that steamy, sultry room? Was it the words both spoken and un-spoken? "

Those are the two things that jumped out at me ... I think that maybe some creative wording could move those paragraphs along a bit more smoothly.

All in all, I enjoyed the story. It was very sweet and romantic.

Lyricalcandy