read this and tell me what you think.

[pointless]

the best sort of bad day ch. 3


also, tell me what you think of the title. thank you.

and vote and stuff just for the hell of it.


it's lesbian with mainly tribadism (pussy-to-pussy)

 

[spyro1123]

tribadism always sounds like something that should happen with drums and dancing to me.

Anyway this story is a little hard to follow. You jump around between all the girls pretty quickly so i often found myself having to re read parts just to figure out what was going on.

Also thoughout the first page i kept wondering which crisis was going to be the main conflict in the story. First her parents, then tabitha's parents, then the fight. You only hinted at the main conflict, that of emily's lust for becky. There is a lot of rambling around i think you need to ask yourself if each part that you put in the story realy adds to what you are trying to convey to your reader.

I think you could leave out the whole bit about emily's parents, and take a little longer to explain tabitha's mom, since that is why she is working extra. The visit to work could be pared down a lot we dont realy care about every detail of tabitha's life. You could just say they talked a while, then went out to the parking lot, since that scene was the important part.

The sex was ok but because you kept jumping from emily to tabitha and back we never realy got to see in depth what either of them were feeling and thinking.

For all this it wasnt a bad story and i thought the actuall idea was great but i think it could be better.

 

[pointless]

becky and emily. the people who had sex were named becky and emily.

and i didn't linger on tabitha's mother too long because it was covered in a previous chapter, but you're right it may be unclear to those who choose not to read the other parts before reading this one.

thanks for the comments though.

 

[spyro1123]

OOPS...

yeah i do that in my stories too... i am bad with names

 

[pointless]

i just realized that reads kinda bitchy.

 

[pointless]

Re: OOPS...

yeah i do that in my stories too... i am bad with names

it's cool. in defense of the story though it was written as a middle act. there are two more parts planned. some of the seemingly meaningless stuff in this chapter will be used in the next two.

i almost put a comment in this story to encourage people to read the other two chapters first, but i forgot. i won't forget for the next one.

 

[spyro1123]

no worries

ok i will cut you some slack on that first page part. lol

dont you hate it when you look back on your post and it seems so much more argumentitive than you ment. Looking at mine my criticizim seems much stronger than i realy intended it to be. I guess to boil it down i got thrown out of the story by the quick changes and extra details. It interupted an otherwise fantastic read.

 

[spyro1123]

ok maby there is something wrong with me, i just read a sampling of your other stories and they are all so fantastic i must have just missed something in this latest one.

let me know if you want more gushing praise

 

[pointless]

i only want gushing praise if it's deserved.