read my story, and tell me how can I improve

[secret_liyah]

I don't think that I'm a bad writer; I just think I can improve...but I really don't know what parts of my writing style I need to improve.
I do know that I can't discribe emotions very well, and I do know that I have poor scene discriptions, but that's all I really know about my own writing.


here it is

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=348833

 

[Grayson_James]

The first thing I see as a minor issue, is punctuation. for example:

"He had heard Lauren argue cases plenty times to know that she would always take the liberal platform, and frankly he was sick of all the liberal bias propaganda that he constantly heard from all the liberal pukes that seemed to know nothing different from what Hillary and the Dixie Chicks told them."

That is a REALLY long sentence for only one comma. You might want to find an an editor who is good and punctuation.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Sweety, get your first paragraph not just right, but perfect and the readers will foregive a lot from then on.

Your first paragraph with corrections in :

Ryan was twenty-two years old and in his final year at the university, for which he was thankful. There would be no fifth year for him. Ryan made sure of that. How disgraceful would it be for him to be a fifth year student? Surely, not Ryan who had always been a model student, never the geek, but always the model student because that was the way that Ryan was raised to be. At six feet two and a hundred and eighty pounds, Ryan was your typical all American boy. He had grey eyes and thick straight coal black hair that fell into his eyes. Many girls considered him extremely handsome, and Ryan himself knew he was good-looking, and used it as an advantaged.

There are other things about this paragraph too. Your wording is dreary and unremarkable, but mostly overly discriptive. Your first paragraph needs to be a "grabber" that drags the reader in kicking and screaming and makes him WANT to read further. This one doesn't.

Next you launch into Ryan sitting in a classroom lecture. Finally in the fifth papargraph he notices the "Goth" girl. Actually, there is nothing of interest until that point. That's where I would have started this story.

In a short story you need to be directed and focused. Nothing that is not essential should be included. You need to learn both that and percision.

Now the good news. From this point on, your story works a lot better. You had a good idea for a plot. You develop Lauren and the relationship well. That puts you about two steps in front of most new writers.

The best adivice I can give you is find an editor. We all use them. You don't want an editor to fix your spelling and grammar only. You need one to edit your content too.

Keep it up. You'll do alright.

JJ

 

[Grayson_James]

I'd say you have pretty much hit it spot on Jenny.

 

[ellynei]

objection your honor

I must object!

To your claim that you dont have good emotion descriptions. I think you do.

Scene descriptions? Well the appearance of the surroundings wasn't important to the storyline, so I didnt miss them in this story.

I guess the punctuation was a bit off many places. Somehow it didn't obstruct my reading. Cant help with that though aint good at it myself.

Very nice love story. Do keep up the good work. The character's really came to life through your words.

Only suggestion i can give for how to improve is a second pair of eyes on your work before you post it. To catch those lil typos that keeps missing one's own eyes.

 

[MarshAlien]

Two things jump out at me to work on. The first is much shorter, more focused sentences.

Everything about Lauren was darkness, her long blue-black hair that fell in pools of shimmering dark waves, her smooth cocoa skin that looked as though silk would never be a friend for fear of stolen business, her closed persona that never gave way to what was going on inside, but her eyes were a different story.

First of all, the "smooth cocoa skin" appeared in the previous paragraph. Second, this could easily be broken up for better effect. "Everything about Lauren was darkness. Her long blue-black hair fell in pools of shimmering dark waves. Her skin would make silk jealous. Her closed persona never offered a clue to her inner thoughts. Everything was darkness; everything except her eyes.

The other thing is dialogue. You need to say the sentences out loud in your head at some point, to think not only about the content, but about the sound.

"Which of course is your loss my man. Those girls are smokin' and give a boner in a few seconds."

"I like to achieve a boner by an actually real chick that I can touch, speaking of which I can today."

It's been a long time since I was in college, but this talk seems awfully stilted. You probably don't talk like this either. Listen to your own voice say the words, if not aloud, then in your head.


Hope this helps. I liked the basic plot. And you do have an H! Good job, newbie. Welcome to lit.