Read Me ( And Criticize Me )

[Light Ice]

The title says it all. I invite any and all to take a look at the threads I've written and offer criticisms about my diction, pacing, and vocabulary/grammar. Replies to criticism may be slow coming, citation of particularly specific criticisms would be tremendously appreciated, and non-constructive criticisms (while still invited) will most likely not be responded to.

My real life's constantly changing schedule and my hear today/gone tomorrow writing habits have made it difficult for me to edit my own material. At times, here and there, I feel as though I've lost something on account of an atrophy of sorts. Others, though, I feel as sharp as ever.

That tells me it's time to gather a few second opinions regarding certain story-telling elements and mechanics that I frequently use.

 

[Alana_]

Hi there Ice.

Just a note, not really a critique, but I would have to say that the first post in We Survived is glorious, and both set and captured a mood for the thread instantly.

For me, I'd not planned on posting today, but it was irresistible, and that was simply down to the opening you set up. Excellent..and your pacing, construction and choice of words were perfect.

You're braver than I am. I'd ask for constructive criticism, but I don't take it very well I'm afraid. So kudos to you.

 

[ShyMystica]

We Survived - First Post

Dear Light Ice,
Forgive me for taking so long to get back to you. I did ask in a PM where you wanted me to post this, but as I have not heard from you I figured I would put it here.

Firstly, as many people may have already told you, you writing amazingly. You have such intense descriptive abilities and your ideas flow so seamlessly that on a personal level I envy you *blushes deeply*

You did ask for my critique for a few of your posts, but as I am unsure if you still wish this to be I shall only post my critique of your first post in 'We Survived'.


Personally, I do not read such gory material. I am a romantic at heart and shy away from brutal violence. BUT while it is a subject matter I do not like, your piece definitely affected me...and that comes down to your skills.

Your first paragraph, for me, lacked something. I wasn't sure what it was until I got to the end of your post. It certainly paints the scene for the SRP you started, with your great ability of descriptiveness. However, your beautifully written ending and tying the connection between Rebecca and Chris' daughter could have been enhanced and reinforced if you reinforced his love for his daughter in the first paragraph. Perhaps Chris could have been staring admiringly at a picture of his daughter that sat upon his dashboard...his admiration and love for his daughter a comparison to how much he despises the piece of road he is currently sitting upon. It would also set up the rest of the post quite nicely, especially with the small glimpses into his thoughts about Rebecca.

As the post continues I found myself becoming very intrigued. There are moments within the story that, as a reader, you naturally speed up. This could be because of anticipation of an upcoming event, fear, intense curiosity. You definitely evoked many of these responses from me during the story, especially the fear! As a writer you can heighten this experience for the reader. I know I have said this again and again, but your descriptiveness astounds me, and it was the driving force of this post. But too much description can take away the punchy impact and momentum you are trying to build, especially during such intense moments (the fight between the zombie father and Chris, or even when Rebecca attacks Chris).

To aide the emotions you are trying to evoke from the reader, perhaps you could make your sentences (at certain points) short and sharp. Too much description during moments of intense action means that the reader will skim through the piece because their adrenalin is starting to pump. So shorter, sharper and precise sentences not only allow the reader to 'keep up' but also create and enhance powerful emotions and imagery if done correctly. It is a matter of sifting through what is really needed at that moment, what can be left until later to introduce, and what can be taken out completely.

If you think about it from a psychological point of view it will make more sense. As a reader the most powerful parts of a sentence are the beginning and end. Those are the main points that you will remember. The rest tends to fall away from memory. Not that they are insignificant, its just that the details within the middle of the sentence can get lost. But during peak action moments you begin to read faster. So those details that lay within the middle of a sentence may not even register at some points. That isn't a bad thing, it is just how the human mind works. So to take advantage of this, several short and precisely worded sentences can actually hammer home an image, emotion or situation with more clarity during these moments.

While I continued to read I found myself becoming increasingly terrified, yet I couldn't stop reading. Like I said, you have definitely evoked some strong emotions of fear and repulsion at some moments. Each sentence flowed with the next so it was impossible to stop. My only moment of being drawn out from the story experience was during some moments of Chris' thoughts. Some of the thoughts, to me, just didn't make sense.

For example:

"The world’s worst wedgie, front –and- back. Crotch –and- Ass. Yeouch. "​

To me, that isn't a natural train of thought when faced with such a horrific scene. That thought took away from the momentum you were so wonderfully creating. Aside from that the rest of your transitional moments to Chris' thoughts were used very well. It was just that one that confused me and brought me out of the story experience.

Aside from that you have a well written, highly evoking, description oozing piece. Sitting back and thinking it over, and this isn't any discredit to your writing ability, I wonder how changing the layout of the post would effect it. As in, if you moved the little story about Rebecca playing at school and being bullied to the beginning, how would that set up the rest of the story?

*smiles softly and applauds gently* Very well done Light Ice. It is a post you should definitely be proud of. I certianly admire your amazing gift to describe and evoke such powerful images and feelings. I am rather jealous of you for that *smiles and blushes deeply*

If this critique is not welcome, just let me know and I can remove it. Since I didn't hear back from you I fear that you may be mad at me for some reason. I hope this isn't the case. In any case, keep up the amazing work and enjoy yourself. In the end that is main thing you should be aiming to do. If writing becomes a chore then there is no point doing it. Great work!

 

[Light Ice]

A reply is long overdue!


Thank you so much, Shy! It's a very comprehensive reply and I feel very thankful that you took such a critical look. I owe you a point by point response but I lack the motivation, so instead, I'll say thank you! There's great advice throughout here.

 

[yeishia]

Just popped in to say thank you

 

[Light Ice]

Just popped in to say thank you

Get well.

 

[Veroe]

I have written with you in two group threads and read some other threads you have written in.

I have written with excellent writers like Black Bart, Sweetp4u, Caela, Alana...and the list goes on growing with each and every writer I have the good fortune to collaborate with. Yet all of those never have intimidated me as much as when I read your work, LI. I feel like I can stay on a par with them if I put my mind to it, however after I read one of your posts, whew, I'm nowhere even close to your level.

Which again is saying something, since I really hate when good writers get down on their own talents, and here I am doing the same thing.

As for criticism: Don't pay too much attention to this thread. Like I said you have extraordinary talent and a descriptive voice, trust your writer's instincts, don't let the criticisms here make you second guess yourself or push you into a style you're not comfortable with. Sure, use this for constructive criticism, but temper what's said here with doing things the way you just have to do them.

I hope that helps