Reactions from those outside the lifestyle

[Owlz]

I'm interested in hearing how people here first broached their involvement in BDSM to others 'on the outside.' How did your family react? How have your friends reacted? Did it/Does it feel akin to 'coming out' to people as gay or bi? How have you handled these reactions?

Thank you.

Owlz

 

[SexyChele]

For me, what I do in the bedroom (or other locations between my partner and myself) is my business. I don't particularly care what my family might think. Why should I? I don't really care what they're doing.

But then, I don't do BDSM as a lifestyle, so I can't see that there would be anything to explain. Well, unless an errant bruise made itself visible.

 

[Ms_Black]

nice topic...

Although I am not a 24/7 and therefore have a little less to explain, I do bruise easily and can't always hide the marks.

Surprisingly enough my mom didn't freak when I shrugged and said they were bite marks. I did't get into details about how into damage I was...but then she didn't ask.

On the flip side, several of my friends went pretty much balistic. My peer group is mainly comprised of feminist pagan women and some got downright nasty.

They said I was setting women's liberation back by decades, I was getting involved in a potentially dangerous relationship, I was being stupid and should know better....and the list went on and on. Mind you, many of these women are bi or lesbian and have done things I would never dream of with people I wouldn't have expected. They are accepting of gays/straights and everything in between. They are new agers...so fairly accepting of everyones rights to their own beliefs...and yet THIS bothered them.

I'll admit that I had sympathy for people who had to come out of the closet. I had been honest with them and had expected acceptance. Sure, maybe I expected teasing or a few jokes, but they'd deal with it well. They were my friends, right? Except that's not how it played at all.

I actually wondered if maybe they weren't right. After all, they were my friends, and wouldn't tell me something just to be mean. Maybe I was too freakish. Talk about an emotional low.

If not for the understanding of one of my long term friends (who ironically is a married, hetrosexual, baptist who can't say the word cock...at all) I think I would have gone nuts. But luckily helped me calm down and realize that I had nothing to be upset about.

She was really great. She went through all those "how to tell if you're in an abusive relatioship" keys with me and pointed out that it didn't seem so...and that she would tell me if she ever saw it detiorate. She went on to say that she liked having a friend who was a little more risky than her...cuz it made her feel like she could tell me anything, and I wouldn't judge her.

She definately got me through the shock...and after that I stopped caring what anyone else thought, and suddenly they shut up about it.

So thanks to Lish for all her help...

Okay, I'm done...i'm getting all misty eyed


MS B

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ms_B there is a feminist paradigm that does hold with the views your friends expressed which was originally originated in the lesbian community and buys very much into the 'men are bad' and 'us and them' thought processes. And before anyone starts jumping up and down about me discriminating I am part of the GLBT community and a long time advocate/activist for rights in that area, as well as a recognised strong outspoken feminist. Feminism essentially is about choice and supporting women in their choices, not judging them for it or expecting women to suppress who they are for the sisterhood.

Catalina

 

[bunny bondage]

yeah, it was kind of strange. i "came out" to my friends slowly and subtly, dropping hints and what not. they've all been uber-supportive, especially my best friend amber. she's behind me 100% even though she thinks i'm a little odd!

 

[Etoile]

I definitely came out to my parents as a lesbian, but I've never really come out to anybody as being into BDSM. I'm not closeted about it either - I will make reference to it if it fits with the conversation, but I've never explicitly said "hey, I'm submissive" to anybody. Then again, it's in my list of interests in my LiveJournal profile, so people like my mother do know about it even if I don't give any details.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

The first person I "came out" to was my husband, and that turned out GREAT!!

I also "came out" to my best friend of 18+ years and she was super supportive as always. We have a great relationship of not judging each other.

I won't come out to my family anytime soon I'm sure. THEY would not understand, as I have said before. Besides we don't talk about sex, because some things I just don't want to know about my parents.

 

[ImmortaleAmante]

i have been open with some friends, although again it is not a 24/7 lifestyle for me, but i don't discuss sex with my parents, some family members know but they think its more of a joke, oh a woman who likes to dominate men ha ha put them in their place ha ha, they don't understand, and it is difficult to explain, some of my friends are shocked, more by the S&M side than the D/s side, and the others have been generally accepting, often asking questions but still not really understanding, but at least they try.

 

[Tx girl]

Hey Owlz i know this is off topic but i wanted to say hello. I haven't seen you on my thread in forever. So hi and huggggggs

 

[Ebonyfire]

Do heterosexuals "come out" about that? I have posted before that My bizness is My bizness. All of My men know who I am, and I insist on knowing who they are.

Others can kiss My black ass!

 

[Owlz]

Hey Owlz i know this is off topic but i wanted to say hello. I haven't seen you on my thread in forever. So hi and huggggggs

Hi, Txie! I got the feeling I wasn't welcome there anymore because of my flirting with you & your hubcap's reaction, as expressed by someone hoose name I can no longer recal. It's been so long.

Are you in a BDSM relationship? Fancy seeing you here (as, I suspect, others are surprised to see me here...kinda like the time my lesbian ex-gf took me to a gay bar for the first time & I saw people there I wouldn't have guessed in a million years, and MAN, were they surprised to see ;breeder' Owlz there!)!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hi, Txie! I got the feeling I wasn't welcome there anymore because of my flirting with you & your hubcap's reaction, as expressed by someone hoose name I can no longer recal. It's been so long.

Are you in a BDSM relationship? Fancy seeing you here (as, I suspect, others are surprised to see me here...kinda like the time my lesbian ex-gf took me to a gay bar for the first time & I saw people there I wouldn't have guessed in a million years, and MAN, were they surprised to see ;breeder' Owlz there!)!

That is the way it always is. You really never can tell what people do behind closed doors or out of the public eye. Even when they tell you, you never know the reality of it.

That is why when meeting new folks, it takes a while before people are candid about their desires.

 

[dragonlace]

I am me and always have been actually most people around me accept me as such and my boss even asked me questions about the lifestyle. I don't like to hide my self from others so naturally it just comes out but i don't fear it so its accepted as a part of me. Of course i do get teased alot by my brother and coworkers but nothing mean just good hearted fun mostly. My mother even made the comment once, when we were moving an air conditioner and it was biting into her hand and i said give it up for the sake of cool air, she said your the one into the pain shit not me and we just laughed and laughed. So if you accept who you are maybe others accept it easier......or maybe i am just lucky

 

[Owlz]

What you say makes sense, dragonlace.

 

[Tx girl]

Owlz? Hubcap??? Im not seeing anyone online! And your more then welcome on my thread! I enjoy your cheerfullness! So whoever told you anything was very wrong! Next time a favor please? Don't just assume something! Ask me! Actually the reason i haven't been around is because i had surgery on my shoulder 2 wks ago and im just now really able to type. So hugggggs you cutie. BTW feel free to just flirt away!!! *G*


As far as your question, no im not involved with anyone in a bdsm relationship. I wont say that im not open to it. Because seriously i think i am to a certain extent. My husband and i have flirted with the idea, and have experienced some. Nothing major. LOL i don't think he really knows how to react when i tell him i want him to do certain things!

What Ebony said is very true, and i also have to say well said to dragonlace.

I myself would actually like to experiment more of the lifestyle but im not really sure how to go about it. There was a time not too too long ago i was starting to read up on it. But when the hubby was afraid of hurting me i gave up. Im not really sure why i did. I find alot of the lifestyle fascinating. Sp?? Forgive me i never said i was a wonderful speller!

 

[Owlz]

Owlz? Hubcap??? Im not seeing anyone online! And your more then welcome on my thread! I enjoy your cheerfullness! So whoever told you anything was very wrong! Next time a favor please? Don't just assume something! Ask me! Actually the reason i haven't been around is because i had surgery on my shoulder 2 wks ago and im just now really able to type. So hugggggs you cutie. BTW feel free to just flirt away!!! *G*

Hubcap, as in hubby.

Hope the shoulder gets back to 100% soon.

As for flirting, okey-doke.


As far as your question, no im not involved with anyone in a bdsm relationship. I wont say that im not open to it. Because seriously i think i am to a certain extent. My husband and i have flirted with the idea, and have experienced some. Nothing major. LOL i don't think he really knows how to react when i tell him i want him to do certain things!

Maybe let him tell you what he's going to do to you?

What Ebony said is very true, and i also have to say well said to dragonlace.

I myself would actually like to experiment more of the lifestyle but im not really sure how to go about it. There was a time not too too long ago i was starting to read up on it. But when the hubby was afraid of hurting me i gave up. Im not really sure why i did. I find alot of the lifestyle fascinating. Sp?? Forgive me i never said i was a wonderful speller!

Your spelling's fine. I need to stop being such a spelling/grammar nazi & liv with people's typos. Hell, as much as I proofread everything before I post it, I miss screw-ups of my own.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Let's talk normal occurrences

Snip... But when the hubby was afraid of hurting me i gave up.

When couples are first starting out, and they both are new to D/s, there is a fear that they may be hurting their partner. THat is normal.

That is why the use of safewords are so helpful. If you have a safeword, you can help your partner gauge if he is being too intense or not.

You can always practice with levels by using a scale (e.g. a cale from 1 to 5). Then he can practice, and get a sense of how you are feeling by asking you on what scale is the sensation at.


Once he gets a feel for how you react, he will be less likely to be worried about hurting you in a bad way. He have a roadmap to guide him.

This approach is useful in many activities, so if you and he are game, why not try again?