Re: The Rolls and the Pipe

[D. Mattanthas]

Re: The Rolls and the Pipe

I was wondering if I could get some feedback from the folks here!!

I just submitted chapter 4 of the story (it's slightly steamy), and I am wondering what would help add interest to the story. Admittedly it's moving on the slow side, but that's what I had intended. Sex came into Ch. 4 completely by accident, and it wasn't introduced the way that I'd wanted to. But I think people were looking for it.

I'd like to hear your thoughts as soon as possible, and in as much volume as possible!!!

Thanks for your votes and comments so far!

The Rolls and the Pipe - By D. Mattanthas

 

[D. Mattanthas]

Anybody????

 

[NoJo]

At the beginning, I thought you were the unpretentious young man. I didn't remember that "Paige" is a woman's name.

I don't really know what to say: One problem for me is your style, which jars, and ends up unintentionally funny:

"Eh?" At that we both snorted and started laughing all over the place.

The funny bit here is the word "snorted" and the phrase "all over the place", not what you're writing about.

Fine for Humor and Satire, but it's obvioulsy not your intention.

I was not really interested in reaqding further after chap. 1. You really have to grab people plotwise or characterwise a little more firmly in the first couple of paras, especially if you're going to take your time getting to the sex.

think "short attention span".

 

[D. Mattanthas]

Short attention spans are the bane of writers.

*sigh*

Thanks - Chapter one has gotten the lowest ranking so far, largely because I used it to set the stage for the rest of the story. The Rolls and the Pipe is something similar to a chain - the story progresses and becomes more interesting as time goes on. It's designed that way.

As to the jarring comedy - life doesn't flow smoothly into comic or heavy contexts, and this is being written to be as close to real life as possible. I am very, very glad that you found that funny!!! Again, this was a deeply contemplated addition to the story.

I've submitted chapter four (as I said), and I think it might be one of the better chapters so far.

Please keep commenting!

I'm hoping that the comments on this thread will help me refine my writing style. Thanks all. Hope to hear more from you soon!

Darrikk