Raw

[tempsbrat]

I keep reworking this poem. Feedback is welcome


Wanting waiting hungry desires so pure what's a brat to do but burn.
Innocent remark said off the cuff leaves the sub stunned
by her quick rebuke. Mistress grabs me and turns me
saying "you're Mine".

Holding my collar she knows my desires, pulling me near,
She'll set my ass on fire! Instantly wet, but not from fear
my body obeys... pleasing this Mistress I love so dear.

Her touch can be gentle, but not this time; my knees go
weak feeling this Domme. I know deep within, our hearts
are one, this dance that we do willingly free, I am devoted
as much as she.

Spreading my legs, feeling her there, she reaches and drives,
arches and growls, these are the sounds I love so well. My passion
is sparked it is raw, guttural groans so deep and pure my
body and soul peaking and soaring as she takes me there.

Sliding, pulling, and Holding me ... Goddess my Mistress, lover,
revealer, and friend knows what depths to reach this body and
soul. Mirrors we are complete and secure.

This is no game, it's lust and its love...
I give what I must, what I need to feel whole, just as she
in pleasure creates this burning within revealing my core

Screaming her name, I dare not release. My body so tense as the precipice looms from hot licks of leather burning my skin. She controls each moment and reads me so masterfully.

"My beautiful slut, adored and pure, rise with Me in oneness NOW!”

Letting go I am in
ECSTASY !

Copyright ©2005 temspbrat of melswebs.com

 

[champagne1982]

I keep reworking this poem. Feedback is welcome
<snip>

Hi there tempsbrat. I'd like to make a suggestion regarding asking for feedback, if I may? This isn't meant to be discouraging or unwelcoming in any way, but it's been my experience that to get feedback, is to offer some as well, there are lots to look in on.

Then again, someone may take the time to read and offer worthwhile input. I can't right now, this is lunch for me.

 

[Nickie Smiles]

I keep reworking this poem. Feedback is welcome


Wanting waiting hungry desires so pure what's a brat to do but burn.
Innocent remark said off the cuff leaves the sub stunned
by her quick rebuke. Mistress grabs me and turns me
saying "you're Mine".

I want and wait
with hungry desires so pure.
What's a brat to do but burn?
(Brat didn't work for me. I'd kill some of the "ing" words)

Innocent words off the cuff
leaves the stunned sub (rearrange words.)
by her quick rebuke. (who's who?)
Mistress grabbed me,
and turned to say I'm hers.
(I'd make it less convo. like. These lines confused me to be honest. It almost sounds as if there's three people. I would work on these lines a little more.)

Holding my collar she knows my desires, pulling me near,
She'll set my ass on fire! Instantly wet, but not from fear
my body obeys... pleasing this Mistress I love so dear.

She held my collar and knew
my desires by pulling me near.
She sets my ass on fire;
instantly wet, but not from fear.
My body obeys to please
this Mistress I love so dear.

I couldn't help but play with your poem. I do like it, but feel it needs some work. The areas would be in punctuation, form/structure to have a nice smooth flow, and deleting some unnecessary words. I would also try to get to the message faster.

I only worked in a few areas because I don't know how sensitive you are. If you'd like any more help, I'd would be more than happy to.

Nickie

 

[tempsbrat]

This piece has bugged the crap out of me. I have reworked it several times. I appreciate the ideas. I will go over what you have already suggested and play with it. I am happy to have any other suggestions as well. Oh, the "brat" part is just Mistress' pet name for me. I have played with sub, toy, slut, etc..

Thanks

 

[Nickie Smiles]

Her touch can be gentle, but not this time; my knees go
weak feeling this Domme. I know deep within, our hearts
are one, this dance that we do willingly free, I am devoted
as much as she.

Her touch can be gentle,
but this time my knees felt weak.
Deep within, our hearts are one.
I'm devoted as much as she
in this dance we do willingly free.

Spreading my legs, feeling her there, she reaches and drives,
arches and growls, these are the sounds I love so well. My passion
is sparked it is raw, guttural groans so deep and pure my
body and soul peaking and soaring as she takes me there.

I spread my legs to feel her there.
The arches and growls are the sounds
I love so well. (arches can't be a sound. Toughy!)
My passion sparked raw
by guttural groans, deep and pure;
a body and soul that peaks and soars.
I allowed her to take me.
(I felt a need to chop some words.)

Sliding, pulling, and Holding me ... Goddess my Mistress, lover,
revealer, and friend knows what depths to reach this body and
soul. Mirrors we are complete and secure.

To slide, pull, and hold me
is my Goddess, Mistress lover,
revealer; a friend to reach in (change words)
to my inner being. We're mirrors,
complete and secure.

This is no game, it's lust and its love...
I give what I must, what I need to feel whole, just as she
in pleasure creates this burning within revealing my core

It's lust and love. (I'd take out "This is no game" -it speaks above.)
I give what I must and need
to feel whole in pleasure
(I got lost after this. I'm sorry.)

Screaming her name, I dare not release. My body so tense as the precipice looms from hot licks of leather burning my skin. She controls each moment and reads me so masterfully.

I couldn't release by screaming her name.
In control each moment, she reads
masterfully when my body
becomes tense from hot leather licks (rearrange words)
that burn my skin.
(I felt a need to chop some words. It's up to you, of course.)


My beautiful slut, adored and pure,
rise with Me in oneness now."

I'm finally allowed to let go
to what I know
as (or "to be") ecstasy.

That was fun.


Thanks for allowing me to play.