rape fantasy...

[zlady]

hey,

Im a 22 year old female, and currently in a very happy/healthy relationship. The only thing is, I have this intense rape fantasy. I love very rough sex, and I've gotten my boyfriend to be pretty extreme with me. He likes to bite, and pull hair, and occassionally he'll put his hands around my throat, or smack my ass.

Lately I've been trying to introduce him into sexual roleplay, and he's taken to using the Master/slave dialouge during sex, which is quite nice. I suppose my question is...

How do I get him to be comfortable with the rape fantasy? He's usually very gentle, and one thing he's always said is that he would never force me to do anything against my will. He is familiar with my past, and years ago I suffered from some sexual abuse. Because he knows this, he's very careful not to corss that line... I think this could be why i developed this fantasy, but lately its been really consuming me.

I dont even want to try to have gentle love making anymore, its like everytime we are intimate I egg him on to be harder and rougher.

Any tips?

thanks.

z.

 

[stageleft]

fantasy

hope this helps.
my girlfriend had some old dresses to throw out.during the clear out i light-heartedly asked ,"will you keep one of them so i can rip & tear it off you for a bit of fun?"
her reaction was ecstatic & only a while later in the middle of the afternoon she wanted to try it.she put on one of her old dresses & i groped her play-roughly for a while before getting hold of the front of her dress & almost ripping it in half.
her eyes were ablaze with lust & we had the most frantic raunchy sex ever.
weve repeated this fun act many times...good luck.

 

[borisk]

One thing we did was leave notes for each other outline exactly what I wanted her to do to me or what I was going to do to her.

We would make a game of it through the day. Starting by sending a SMS msg to her cell phone or leaving a note in the car, in the middle of the day may be call and talk dirty. By the time I got home from work we would be so worked up we wouldnt eat dinner till late.

Boris

 

[RuReal]

My suggestion is just tell him.

Most of us guys are fairly flexible and he sounds like a good sport. Explain what you want.

Hmm if you want to keep it kind of spontaneous after discussing the scenario with him work out a timeline maybe a week or weekend where when ever he wants he can enact the scenario. That way it is kind of random but isn't at the same time.

 

[emap]

Have you ever tried handcuffs?

Seriously, if he ties you down and just has his way with you, it's the same idea as a rape fantasy, but it's safe, he doesn't have to do anything all that hard and you still can't do anything.

Though I think maybe you better get him and you to read up on the BDSM thing, since you enjoyed the master slave thing so much you probably will just love to be his slave, and guys being guys he will go along with it.

I say you both should read up on it so you both know what the words mean, generally gives ideas on where to find the things used in those relationships and you can decide on your limits and he can as well.

Oh and you can find handcuffs for maybe $10 at any good sized adult store, or you can get a section of leather strip, or your nylons or his ties work to. Above all else, talk to him, during and before, make sure he knows what you want, get him to tell you what he is willing to do and work from there.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I've mentioned this before, but I had a girlfriend who put me in this situation. It turned out that all she really wanted was rougher, faster sex, but she flat out asked me to "rape" her. Not only could I not do it, but I totally freaked out on her. Some of us guys, the nice gentle ones, just can't put ourselves into that role, it's too out of character for us. Don't get me wrong, I'll rip your panties to shreds, pull your head back and fuck you till you scream my name, if that's what you want, but once it turns into anything bordering on non-conscensual, I'm gonna shut down. It's just a line I can't cross, even in a fantasy.

I guess what you have to do is really analyze what it is about a rape fantasy that gets you so hot. For my girlfriend it had nothing to do with being forcably taken, she just wanted to be taken forcefully. There's a definite psychologal difference, no matter how subtle it may seem.

 

[SweetErika]

How do I get him to be comfortable with the rape fantasy? He's usually very gentle, and one thing he's always said is that he would never force me to do anything against my will. He is familiar with my past, and years ago I suffered from some sexual abuse. Because he knows this, he's very careful not to corss that line... I think this could be why i developed this fantasy, but lately its been really consuming me.

I dont even want to try to have gentle love making anymore, its like everytime we are intimate I egg him on to be harder and rougher.

Have you been treated for the abuse? I ask because the last line sets off an alarm in my mind.

Perhaps your bf would be more comfortable if you didn't use the word 'rape' and had a system of safeguards in place. I think the term 'rape fantasy' is an oxymoron because by definition rape is unwanted and does serious, lasting harm; no normal person would want to force or harm another, right? Depending on what you want, calling reluctance/control/dominating/etc. may be clearer and more agreeable to him. Sit down at a nonsexual time, explain what you want (you could also pull up some stories that mirror your fantasies), and ask what both of you could do to make it safe and comfortable for both of you.

Secondly, put some time into planning for worst case scenarios. For example, you might use softer restraints and tie them in a way that allows for quick release in case one of you feels uncomfortable. Set up safewords and physical signals for "you're getting close to my limit" and "STOP right this second" so he can be confident miscommunication and doing something against your will won't be a problem. Discuss how you'll deal with problems and the aftermath (e.g. maybe agree to cuddle and talk about how it went after).

 

[zlady]

I've mentioned this before, but I had a girlfriend who put me in this situation. It turned out that all she really wanted was rougher, faster sex, but she flat out asked me to "rape" her. Not only could I not do it, but I totally freaked out on her. Some of us guys, the nice gentle ones, just can't put ourselves into that role, it's too out of character for us. Don't get me wrong, I'll rip your panties to shreds, pull your head back and fuck you till you scream my name, if that's what you want, but once it turns into anything bordering on non-conscensual, I'm gonna shut down. It's just a line I can't cross, even in a fantasy.

I guess what you have to do is really analyze what it is about a rape fantasy that gets you so hot. For my girlfriend it had nothing to do with being forcably taken, she just wanted to be taken forcefully. There's a definite psychologal difference, no matter how subtle it may seem.

thanks for the reply. Honestly I feel I may have used the wrong terminology. Perhaps its not a 'rape' fantasy. Perhaps I want rougher sex than I've had yet. Dont be mistaken, we've been VERY rough, makrs left and that sort of thing, but I guess I want it to continue, and get more intense until that line is flirted with. But i trust him, and I know he wouldnt hurt me. Thanks for your advice

 

[zlady]

Have you been treated for the abuse? I ask because the last line sets off an alarm in my mind.

Perhaps your bf would be more comfortable if you didn't use the word 'rape' and had a system of safeguards in place. I think the term 'rape fantasy' is an oxymoron because by definition rape is unwanted and does serious, lasting harm; no normal person would want to force or harm another, right? Depending on what you want, calling reluctance/control/dominating/etc. may be clearer and more agreeable to him. Sit down at a nonsexual time, explain what you want (you could also pull up some stories that mirror your fantasies), and ask what both of you could do to make it safe and comfortable for both of you.

Secondly, put some time into planning for worst case scenarios. For example, you might use softer restraints and tie them in a way that allows for quick release in case one of you feels uncomfortable. Set up safewords and physical signals for "you're getting close to my limit" and "STOP right this second" so he can be confident miscommunication and doing something against your will won't be a problem. Discuss how you'll deal with problems and the aftermath (e.g. maybe agree to cuddle and talk about how it went after).

i appreciate the concern. I was never formally treated for the abuse, its been a lot of self work and self help that has gotten me to the point where I can discuss it with those whom are close to me. Its not been until my relationship with my current bf that I was able to admit to myself, and to him, that I enjoyed the rougher side of sex.

I see now that rape is probably not the word i should use. Since the Master/slave play has been good for our intimacy, perhaps I mean I want domination play to continue. I think the major difference between what I want with him, and what most associate with rape, is that I love and trust him. And I know after we are done, he will hold me and all will be well. Its that knowledge that makes it exciting and desirable for me.

I deffinitely dont want it to be like abuse, and maybe thats why i shouldnt use the word rape. I will try talking to him about upping the intensity level of our rougher sex, and see if more of the dom/sub play helps to satisfy my desires.

 

[Straight-8]

Read up on BDSM. Understand and use a safety word. Either party says it and the game ends. That way you can both safely explore close to or even across what you thought were the lines knowing that both parties are willing participants. Have fun with it

 

[zlady]

hope this helps.
my girlfriend had some old dresses to throw out.during the clear out i light-heartedly asked ,"will you keep one of them so i can rip & tear it off you for a bit of fun?"
her reaction was ecstatic & only a while later in the middle of the afternoon she wanted to try it.she put on one of her old dresses & i groped her play-roughly for a while before getting hold of the front of her dress & almost ripping it in half.
her eyes were ablaze with lust & we had the most frantic raunchy sex ever.
weve repeated this fun act many times...good luck.

thats a great idea. We've talked alittle about this, its just something we havent tried yet.

I think what made me decide to call it rape was the fantasy i keep having. That he comes home early, when i least expect it, and he grabs me out of no where, and slams me against the wall, and pins me there. Then he has his way with me, completely spontanious and unplanned.

I suppose thats not called a rape fantasy, not sure what to call it, but thanks for all the advice and help!

 

[SweetErika]

i appreciate the concern. I was never formally treated for the abuse, its been a lot of self work and self help that has gotten me to the point where I can discuss it with those whom are close to me. Its not been until my relationship with my current bf that I was able to admit to myself, and to him, that I enjoyed the rougher side of sex.

Good for you. I'd just say keep a close eye on yourself and an open mind to specialized therapy because these things have a way of creeping in.

I see now that rape is probably not the word i should use. Since the Master/slave play has been good for our intimacy, perhaps I mean I want domination play to continue. I think the major difference between what I want with him, and what most associate with rape, is that I love and trust him. And I know after we are done, he will hold me and all will be well. Its that knowledge that makes it exciting and desirable for me.

I deffinitely dont want it to be like abuse, and maybe thats why i shouldnt use the word rape.

Want is the key, not love or trust, as plenty of people are assaulted/abused by those they love and trust completely. When one has and expresses the desire and gives consent throughout, it can't possibly be rape. I know this is a bit of a tangent, and completely understand what you mean; I just have a serious problem with confused definitions and terminology on this particular topic because they can cause great harm.

 

[LadyJeanne]

thats a great idea. We've talked alittle about this, its just something we havent tried yet.

I think what made me decide to call it rape was the fantasy i keep having. That he comes home early, when i least expect it, and he grabs me out of no where, and slams me against the wall, and pins me there. Then he has his way with me, completely spontanious and unplanned.

I suppose thats not called a rape fantasy, not sure what to call it, but thanks for all the advice and help!

It's called ravishing - you want him to come home and ravish you...

...tell him THIS is your fantasy, exactly, and ask him to surprise you when you least expect it.

 

[John Doe]

This thread gives me a hellacious boner.

 

[zlady]

It's called ravishing - you want him to come home and ravish you...

...tell him THIS is your fantasy, exactly, and ask him to surprise you when you least expect it.

ravishing eh? Sounds much more like what he would be willing to try. I mean I think our sex has gotten a bit routine. We have the same things we do in the same order, and the only thing that changes or spices anything up is when he decides to play rougher.

Like i said earlier, ive tried to egg him on, and get him to be even rougher with me.

Which is why I wasnt sure I fit into the "slave" submissive catagory, because I dont really "submit" i like to struggle and be playful. Like if he tells me to d something, I'll be coy and refuse, or simply not respond until he pulls my hair very hard, or he bites me/slaps my ass.

Then I'll do it. I've noticed if I make him tell me more than twice, he gets uncomfortable and stops being forceful, I guess he thinks I dont want to. I really do, but I want him to make me...

wow that doesnt read like it makes any sense...

 

[BigM]

This thread gives me a hellacious boner.

Damn, that's one funny thing to read in the middle of this discussion. Thanks.

 

[zlady]

lol, Im glad my cofusion is making someone happy.

Hopefully with all the help people are offering I'll be able to give my guy a hellacious boner too, AND get the action Im looking for

 

[Xenolan]

I'm no psychologist, but what you're suggesting doesn't sound abnormal to me. It sounds like you want to exorcise an old demon by having your trusted boyfriend "rape" you, but this time you are essentially in charge. You can do it with the full knowledge that if you really want him to stop, then he will.

I would also feel most uncomfortable in his position, though. If it were me, I would be desperately afraid of actually hurting you, even by mistake. And, since part of the fantasy involves you begging him to stop, you'll need to make sure that you can give him some kind of unmistakeable signal that really does mean to stop.

Men of decency have a powerful, almost primal instinct to protect the woman they love. He won't be able to do this until and unless you can give him some kind of real assurance that if you find yourself truly frightened or hurt, he will know that he must stop. Otherwise, you run the risk of sexually scarring him as well.

 

[zlady]

I'm no psychologist, but what you're suggesting doesn't sound abnormal to me. It sounds like you want to exorcise an old demon by having your trusted boyfriend "rape" you, but this time you are essentially in charge. You can do it with the full knowledge that if you really want him to stop, then he will.

I would also feel most uncomfortable in his position, though. If it were me, I would be desperately afraid of actually hurting you, even by mistake. And, since part of the fantasy involves you begging him to stop, you'll need to make sure that you can give him some kind of unmistakeable signal that really does mean to stop.

Men of decency have a powerful, almost primal instinct to protect the woman they love. He won't be able to do this until and unless you can give him some kind of real assurance that if you find yourself truly frightened or hurt, he will know that he must stop. Otherwise, you run the risk of sexually scarring him as well.

see the thing is i DONT want to beg him to stop, there is a difference between saying no to be playful and coy and saying NO as in stop. I guess I just need to get a safe word with him so he knows when it hurts.

A good example is when we've done anal. He can tell instantly by my body language and the sound of my moaning if its hurting or if Im enjoying. And he exercises the same caution when we have vaginal intercourse.

This has all been excellent advice. And Im fairly sure Im not looking for a rape fantasy, more of a power struggle, dom/sub play on a more extreme level than Ive done before.

thanks again for all the wonderful feedback, this has been so helpful

 

[jadefirefly]

Yes yes yes, safe words! Safe words are the best, especially when you have that trust level and mutual comfortability (is that a word) with each other, that when a partner says "I want you to do this" the other one will, and you each trust that if the safeword is uttered, all play comes to a stop.

It's a great thing, because then you can egg, and tease, and be all smartassy, and when he smacks your ass or pulls your hair or gets forceful, you both know that in this instance, no doesn't mean no. Red, or teacup, or whatever word you choose means stop.

Very handy. Try it!

(Try to pick something that would never, ever logically come up during sex. Choosing 'handcuffs' as a safe word, for example, might not be helpful. )

 

[TBKahuna123]

thanks for the reply. Honestly I feel I may have used the wrong terminology. Perhaps its not a 'rape' fantasy. Perhaps I want rougher sex than I've had yet. Dont be mistaken, we've been VERY rough, makrs left and that sort of thing, but I guess I want it to continue, and get more intense until that line is flirted with. But i trust him, and I know he wouldnt hurt me. Thanks for your advice

What you are describing is EXACTLY what the woman I was discussing wanted. She called it rape because she didn't know what else to call it, but that very word freaked me out. Once we had sat down and really explored what she was wanting, I was totally able to fulfill her desires. It is about trust, the trust that the person you are with won't judge you for your desires and will stop if you really want to stop. This is the core rule of BDSM.

Now this is where my advice stops. Talk to him, seriously about this. I would also advise you to check out the BDSM forum. BDSM is not a part of my sex life or my tastes, so I can't go much further than that. I will tell you though that from my own experience, that communication abou tthe true nature of your desires will work wonders. It will set his mind at ease and help you get what you are looking for.

 

[John Doe]

see the thing is i DONT want to beg him to stop, there is a difference between saying no to be playful and coy and saying NO as in stop. I guess I just need to get a safe word with him so he knows when it hurts.

A good example is when we've done anal. He can tell instantly by my body language and the sound of my moaning if its hurting or if Im enjoying. And he exercises the same caution when we have vaginal intercourse.

This has all been excellent advice. And Im fairly sure Im not looking for a rape fantasy, more of a power struggle, dom/sub play on a more extreme level than Ive done before.

thanks again for all the wonderful feedback, this has been so helpful

Banana.