Random thoughts, by random girl

[Guest]

Today, i had a bad swing, and it hurt. Mood swings are a bitch right now, and take me from a real high, to a real low, in no time at all. Thoughts creep in, and start to nag at me, picking and picking more and more, until I feel like I either need to scream, or cry. Things I used to love hold minimal interest for me, nothing seems to be able to capture my attention for to long now, before I am beckoned on to a new thing. When something, or someone, does catch my interest, I am happy. Excited. But it takes so little for that thing, or person, to nudge me back off that high. Words, images, feelings. Nothing in particular, or everything. Honestly, I have been like this for as long as I can remember. Junior high, at the latest. I never understood it, and once i did, I hide it. I have always managed to hide it rather well. I suppress it, and it goes away for a bit, but it always comes back. Talking about things is hard. When I was young, my step mother was a very bad drunk, and I learned VERY early that to try reasoning with her, or arguing in return was dumb. It is engraved in me. When I get angry, I hide it. Hold it deep in my heart, and wish it away. Talking to someone about it just upsets me more, and gets me no where. Even the kids have the ability to get me down. No, i don't hurt them, or wish them hurt. I just... well, on more then one occasion, I have just sat down next to them bawling like a baby. Thoughts of death have crept in unwanted more then once, making me wonder if my family isn't better off without me, but I know better then that. On nights like tonight, I feel so bad. I know my husband does far more then he needs to. Dinner, dishes, getting the kids ready for school, laundry, cleaning. I hide, yes, as unregistered. My guess is a few people will know me, but I just... it's easier anonymous, there's safety in pretending no one knows what's going on in my mind. It scares me how often I get like this now. Once in a while, everything is better. I don't get upset. I have patience. I am happy. I think it's gone, but it's not. It creeps back in, so unexpectedly. Even my husband doesn't see it. No one does. Am I going mad? Losing my mind? Sometimes I think I already have. I'm not normal, I know that. It's not my fault, it's chemical, is what I would be told. But when it hits, and hits hard, it feels like everything is spinning out of control, and that if I don't get a grip, it will crash. I don't want to crash, so I ignore it, and try to think happy things.

 

[Weevil]

To be fair that doesn't look random at all.

Random thoughts would be something like:

Man I hope Drew Bledsoe gets dealt to the Bucs. Gosh, I like Cheese.

 

[heterotic]

Naw... The post isn't random, but its subject matter is random thoughts & emotions, and their causes.

 

[Weevil]

Naw... The post isn't random, but its subject matter is random thoughts & emotions, and their causes.

Yeah, I dig. I'm being a smartass jerk. It's what I do.

 

[Guest]

To be fair that doesn't look random at all.

Random thoughts would be something like:

Man I hope Drew Bledsoe gets dealt to the Bucs. Gosh, I like Cheese.

Thank you very much. That made me feel alot better about posting in general.

 

[Weevil]

Hmm. I just read the post. Now I feel bad. My bad. Toodles.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

But when it hits, and hits hard, it feels like everything is spinning out of control, and that if I don't get a grip, it will crash. I don't want to crash, so I ignore it, and try to think happy things.

Hang in there honey. We have all had times when we feel like we are hanging onto the edge of a black hole. Just step back and work through the issues one at a time...... some things take awhile for the fog to clear.... your family and friends love you

 

[Starfish]

Due to my illness I had a cortisone imbalance in my brain all through my teenage years. Deep depression, deep agony, and bitterness when I'd be hurt. I'd hold grudges, but I'd try and hide it. I would, but then it'd bottle up and I'd just pour it out like a freaking resevoir, drowning everyone around me in tears and rage, and deep sadness.

I'd take things personally that I shouldn't have and not to mention that I was just in total disgust with the way people were to each other, (not always that much better at times, but I look for the good in people now) and that I knew in my heart that I could never fix the world, but that I'd have to feel the pain of the world on my shoulders for life. That is a heavy concept.

Well, it all still is troublesome, but I am not emotionally swinging like I was. It was serious at the time. I still suffer from the occaisional bout, but I have to say it has gotten amazingly better. I haven't cried since... well.... November.

Anyway, I know exactly where you are at and no you are not crazy. You are lost and hurting.

You really need to embrace certian concepts to get better, but it is so personalized, that I couldn't begin to tell you what you need. I just figured out my thing to save my mind recently. Martial arts.

I get the extra oxygen to my brain, and I get tons of excersize. The excersize is the key for me.

Do you get any excersize? What is your diet like?

I am thinking of you, but it is too bad that I have to do it in a phantomish way, though I do understand why.

 

[Debbie]

I wish I had the answers that could help you through this time.
I don't think that you are abnormal. You recognise that you have something going on that isn't quite right.

"Mood swings are a bitch right now, and take me from a real high, to a real low, in no time at all. Thoughts creep in, and start to nag at me, picking and picking more and more, until I feel like I either need to scream, or cry. Things I used to love hold minimal interest for me, nothing seems to be able to capture my attention for to long now, before I am beckoned on to a new thing. When something, or someone, does catch my interest, I am happy. Excited. But it takes so little for that thing, or person, to nudge me back off that high."

Perhaps it is a chemical thing. My stepdaughter experienced something similiar. It was very hard for her to accept. PM me if I can give you further clarification. I am not a Doctor nor have I any qualifications in this field but IMHO if you know things aren't right then you have made a step towards recognising this and getting help would be a great idea.

Could it be hormonal? Could it be a chemical imbalance? I don't know.

Can you talk to your hubby? Friends? A doctor you trust? Reaching out is the best thing you can do. We all have problems that we cannot cope with alone. To me you are a strong person who knows things aren't quite right. This is a very positive thing.




debbie

 

[sch00lteacher]

<snip>. Thoughts of death have crept in unwanted more then once, making me wonder if my family isn't better off without me, but I know better then that. <snip>

Alarm Bells Sounding.

This is not good. You must find someone to talk to, now. A professional. Depression is not something you can control. You do not cause it. It is a physical chemical inbalance. Something needs to be done when these type of random thoughts enter into the picture. For your family if not for you (I'd rather it be for you, but...) seek help.

I suffer from this myself. Feel free to PM me if you need help, or an ear, or whatever.

Teach.


stupid mistake edit

 

[riff]

Do you suffer anxiety? Panic? Depression?

Unregistered-

Does your doctor know this? Many people experience exactly the same feelings you are feeling.

You don't have to live like this. Someone very close to me put up with this for years. Finally one day she reached a point where she said, I can't live like this anymore- she went to see a doctor and he put her on medication that improved her life tremendously.

She still feels highs and lows as we all should. But she isn't terrorized from within anymore.

It's chemical. You'll be all right. Talk to someone you trust and do something. If nothing changes- nothing changes.

 

[Guest]

Well, first off, i want to say thank you for letting me air my problems. It felt.. refreshing getting them out a bit. Right now, I know there is something wrong. I am aware of it, and know I need to deal with it. It seems like everytime it starts to get bad enough that I want to go talk to someone, it clears up. (insert small joke bout woman on prozac here) Right now, I am alot better then I was last night, and yesterday. I don't even know what it was that set me off yesterday, because it was so trivial. So stupid. But none-the-less, it sent me on a downward spiral that ended when I went to bed at 5am. I woke up much more refreshed then I figured I would. It was terrifying to actually put it in writing, and at first, I started it out under my name, but I just couldn't do that. Just the way people would step around it, avoid it, or pity me. I don't want pity, and I know I need help. I just don't know how to go about getting it. I feel so wrung out. To much crying in the last day, I suppose. Anyway, thank you.

 

[sch00lteacher]

So what are you going to do about it?

You need to do something. You have the classic symptoms of depression. Depession doesn't go away. It may cycle. If your having highs and lows then you are talking about something else, that also requires treatment.

If money is a concern most counties run some sort of program. Usually the fee would be based on how much money you have, sliding scale.

The big thing is to understand that this isn't your fault. And it isn't going to go away on it's own.

When you mentioned death, you sent up a huge flag. Now you have to follow through.

 

[MissTaken]

Start with your family doctor. He/she can keep your confidence and will know where to begin in terms of helping you to find what you need to be well and happy.

Take care and be well

Miss T

 

[Guest]

The problem isn't money. Insurance covers it. I don't have to worry about being able to find someone qualified to help, because I know several good doctors.

Right now, the problem is being able to be confident enough in myself, to ask for it. I just... I have a hard time even thinking I have a problem, because that gets me upset and depressed feeling. I don't even feel comfortable enough to tell my husband, a total stranger, not a chance. Yes, I know, I am sitting here telling all of you. That's different. Like stage fright. I am just not comfortable talking with strangers face to face, or over the phone. I just can't do it. I clam up. typing is.. easier. Having to look at a person and tell them what is wrong... seeing the look on thier face... hearing the concern, pity, or other in thier voice... I can't do it.

 

[MissTaken]

Try you doctor.

He should remain pretty much aloof and treat it as clinically as he would a stubbed toe.

Remember , while this is you and it is a scarey and new thing, it isn't new for the professionals you may speak with. Any Doc worth his exhorbitant fee isn't going to show pity or sympathy, he will simply tell you what the options are.

Please......go do it.

And if you cry a bit for the Doc, you are safe and your confidence is kept.

Talking to husband might be a good idea if you feel strong enough. Sometimes it is hard to have these discussions with SO's simply by nature of the fact that all are so busy trying to maintain a lifestyle and order in the home.

There is nothing to feel embarrassed or bad about. In all likelihood, there is a physiological reason for your depression and it should be treated as such.

 

[Nogard]

Print this thread or better yet, write a letter outlining the items you have covered and send it to your doctor with a request for an appointment. By the time the appointment comes around he or she will already be familiar with some of the problems you're facing. You will not have to drop in out of the blue and start unloading, which I admit is hard to do. But a letter separates you from that. It will also give the doctor time to research the problem. The more you put in the letter the more they will be able to treat the problem.
Lots of luck and I'm rooting for you. Take care, but do see a doctor. Please, for you and your families sake

 

[MissTaken]

Excellent idea, Nogard.

 

[sch00lteacher]

The problem isn't money. Insurance covers it. I don't have to worry about being able to find someone qualified to help, because I know several good doctors. Call one of them and make an appointment. Gotta take that first step.

Right now, the problem is being able to be confident enough in myself, to ask for it. I just... I have a hard time even thinking I have a problem, because that gets me upset and depressed feeling. I think we all agree that there is something going on right? You have a problem. Of course it hurts you to think about it. I am so sorry that it does. But it is going to. Call one of your doctors and make an appointment.

I don't even feel comfortable enough to tell my husband, a total stranger, not a chance. When I get depressed, and I do, the last person in the world I want to talk to about it is my wife. I don't know why but I find it easier to talk to a 'stranger' about it than a loved one. Maybe you will also? We need to find out.

Yes, I know, I am sitting here telling all of you. That's different. Like stage fright. I am just not comfortable talking with strangers face to face, or over the phone. I just can't do it. I clam up. typing is.. easier. Having to look at a person and tell them what is wrong... seeing the look on thier face... hearing the concern, pity, or other in thier voice... I can't do it. Sister you sound just like me when I am in one of my major depressions. I have felt or said each one of these things myself. I seem to fall into a really bad depression every three to four years. One that requires the help of a professional to beat. The small ones I suffer through on my own. The big bad ones, I need medication and I need help. It is so hard to ask for help. You have taken the first step. You have thrown the rock into the pond here, and it made a splash, and now it is making ripples. I am one of those ripples. Nogard, MissTaken, riff, and debbiexxx are ripples.

Keep talking to us and we will keep talking to you. Hopefully one of us will say the right thing and get you to go find help. I am always scared when a depressed person mentions thoughts of death. I know you don't mean it, that you would never do such a thing, I believe you.

I used to be one of the first people to respond to people who would never do it. I had to question the family members of people who didn't mean it. Quite often it was the children who found mommy or daddy first. They came home from school... They never really meant to. They didn't understand how big a monster depression is.

Get help. Keep talking to us here. Please?


word edited

 

[Moridin187]

Like everyone is saying Unregistered, get help. I've got manic depression coupled with schizotypal personality disorder, I know a Lot of what you're talking about from personal experience. And I also know that those thoughts of death are a sneaky thing.. At first, it's just a little thing skittering across the surface of your mind.. then it's just a ripple.. then one day you find yourself sitting in a chair with the barrel of a shotgun under your chin.

This isn't something to be ashamed of, last I heard something like 20-30% of the people in america had some kind of depressive disorder(I hate that word, disorder..), that's why there are all these commercials on TV for wellbutrin, prozac, and all the other happy-pills. Just go to your doctor, talk to your doctor about it, get some help.


Also.. I don't know about the rest of you.. but for me, keeping the depression swings from my s/o's was usually because I knew they already had enough to deal with without needing the knowledge of my being depressed adding onto their burden..

 

[Guest]

The rest of the week has really been better, and for now, while it's not by any means permanent, it's enough for me. I have made a few very good friends in the past week, and have been able to talk some to them, which helps out.


Thank you for letting me just talk. I know, I need to seek help, and I will. I have a check-up coming up, and will try my hardest to broach the subject then.

 

[Debbie]

Glad to hear that you are feeling a little better.
One day at a time, one step at a time. You can do it. Please let us know how you are getting on and be as brave as you have been here. Tell your doctor. *hug*

Best wishes to you

debbie

 

[freakygirl]

Unregistered.. PLEASE pm me (or email me clerky31@hotmail.com).. even if you want to get a "fake registered" handle...

I'm dealing with this same thing with 2 very important people in my life. IF i can help you in anyway.. I will..

Don't let this go on long.. your family suffers as much as you do. And families have no idea what the problem is. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a very depressed mother. I have never gotten over it.

Think of your family as well as yourself.. and please talk to a doctor.

 

[Random Girl]

Well, here I am, for the good or bad that it brings. Feel free to PM me, I will check this account as often as I can.

 

[freakygirl]

I pmed you.