Quick Stroke feedback

[CharleyH]

Story removed by author

Got enough - thank you all

 

[neonlyte]

Charley

Hot.

Nearly got out of the taxi - horny going down on her with the driver watching but...

Internationally Oporto is usually Porto, but they might do things different in Fr/Cnd.

Good read, frantic start, pulled me through to the end.

All I can do for the moment.

Neon

PS = Reminds me awfully of someone I know

 

[CharleyH]

Thanks Neon. More than I could ask for. Sometimes I feel as if I really can't judge the hot/not thermometer of my own writing, and the people closest to me are majorly BIASED

I originally had Porto. Funny enough my editor suggested a change. Shrug, I will change it back.

 

[impressive]

I shift ...
I press ...

I turn ...
I close ...

I press ...
I want ...

I open ...
I glance ...

I whip ...

I rush ...
I grab ...

Hi, Charley.

Once I got into the story, it was quite hot. However, in the first few paragraphics I was slightly distracted by the sentence structure (see above). After that, though, it was just fine.

HTH,

~Imp

 

[Guest]

Charley
smiles
squirms
throughout.
awesome job...makes me remember...a time not so long ago..
kudos babe

 

[CharleyH]

Re: Re: Quick Stroke feedback

Hi, Charley.

Once I got into the story, it was quite hot. However, in the first few paragraphics I was slightly distracted by the sentence structure (see above). After that, though, it was just fine.

HTH,

~Imp

I will rearrage a few of those, nothing irks me more in writing either. Honestly! But as said, hard to really see your own writing and my editor is biased too

 

[CharleyH]

Charley
smiles
squirms
throughout.
awesome job...makes me remember...a time not so long ago..
kudos babe

I bet it does

Thanks Babe

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The thing that jumped out at me, the thing the story seemed to neglect, is what's going on with the cab driver while this is going on? The sex is very hot, but I kept on thinking about the driver: what's he doing? How's he driving. What's he thinking, having two women just about fucking in his cab?

I really think you have to deal with him, if nothing more than to tell us that he kept both hands on the wheel and stared willfully at the road, trying his best to ognore you. Otherwise he hijacked my interest. I was more interested in what his reaction must have been than I was in what they were doing.

I also think the beginning needs some clarification, because the way it is now, it seems like her lover's away, not that she hasn't met her yet. It makes it a little confusing.

I might also clarify at the start that she's late to meet someone at the airport. I assumed that she was late for work.

I have to wonder too that she would oversleep on the morning of an event she'd been anticipating so much. I would have thought she would have been up since 4 AM. I know I would have been. I also get the feeling that she was happy just lolling around in bed. I guess that's why I thought she was late for work or something mundane. Staying in your bed and daydreaming is something you do when you should be getting up for work, not when you're going to meet the love of your life.

Finally, I wonder whether "dedicated" is the right word for the opening line. There's a lot of passion in the story, but I don't see where dedication comes into it. Maybe "obsessed" would be a better word? "Consumed"?

But I think it's a good piece. The bedlam of the airport is quite effective, and the passion in the cab is very good.

---dr.M.

 

[CharleyH]

The thing that jumped out at me, the thing the story seemed to neglect, is what's going on with the cab driver while this is going on? I really think you have to deal with him, if nothing more than to tell us that he kept both hands on the wheel and stared willfully at the road, trying his best to ognore you. Otherwise he hijacked my interest.

I see your point. I am limited a bit by magazine guidelines, one of which is no men. If this were not the case, I would definitely touch more on the voyeur nature of the cab driver.

Great, now I have to figure out how to deal with him without dealing with him. lol

I will revisit the beginning. Impressive was also concerned about it, and I will definitely ensure that I take care of the problems apparent.

I see your point about day dreaming. Without her rushing though, half the story disappears . . . Perhaps up all night day dreaming? I have no idea. I will revisit this though.

Dedicated. Wanted to give the impression of loyalty. But again, I see your point. Consumed is definitly the better choice, and should you not mind, I will take it

Thanks for your help Dr. M

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I wouldn't make the cabby a voyeur, sweets. I think if you just mention that his eyes are glued to the road and he's holding the wheel in a death grip we'll understand that the poor man's just freaked out and pay no more attention to him. As it is now, we have no idea of what he's doing while they're making love and so we tend to wonder.

As for her daydreaming, why not just mention that she was so excited she didn't get to sleep till 3-4 AM and so now she gets up in a total fog? That would work.

---dr.M.

 

[CharleyH]

I wouldn't make the cabby a voyeur, sweets. I think if you just mention that his eyes are glued to the road and he's holding the wheel in a death grip we'll understand that the poor man's just freaked out and pay no more attention to him. As it is now, we have no idea of what he's doing while they're making love and so we tend to wonder.

As for her daydreaming, why not just mention that she was so excited she didn't get to sleep till 3-4 AM and so now she gets up in a total fog? That would work.

---dr.M.

LOL - ok. I would have loved to make him a voyeur though I get what you mean. Thanks.

Actually, good idea. Cut down, no time to day dream, which frees up word space to mention the cabbie. My mind is rolling now . . . better get to work on it. Again - indebted Dr. - Thanks