Quick convention question

[raphy]

If you're writing what is effectively a monologue in dialogue and you need a paragraph break, what's the best way to do it. I don't want to write another 'She said' type line.

Here's the excerpt:


"I," she said, and then she faltered, the first time she'd stumbled since she started talking. He almost went to her then. Almost reached out and touched her shoulder. Almost. But she found her voice again. Found the words again. "I got drunk. I mean, really, really drunk. I didn't know what else to do. I locked myself in my place and I didn't come out for three days. They had to break down the door eventually.

"I was a mess, Marshall. And it took me a long time to come to terms with what happened. A real long time, y'know. I didn't know whether to be grateful, or to cry, or to hate you. Or to hate him. Just curled up into a little ball and wanted the word to fuck off and leave me alone."


Now, I've seen authors close the first paragraph with a closing quote mark, and I've seen authors do what I just did and not close the paragraph with a quote mark, but still open the next one with an open quote mark ... AND, to further complicate things, I've seen authors who put the paragraph break into the dialogue and don't put quotation marks at the end of the first, or the start of the second..

I was just wondering.. Is there a 'correct' way of doing this?

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Now, I've seen authors close the first paragraph with a closing quote mark, and I've seen authors do what I just did and not close the paragraph with a quote mark

raphy,

You did right. They did wrong.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[raphy]

raphy,

You did right. They did wrong.

Rumple Foreskin

Yay! Rumple said so, so it must be true..

By the way, the reason that I do it the way I do it (not closing the first paragraph, but still opening the second) is because that's how Alastair MacLean does it, and I'm very influenced by him in terms of grammar.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

raphy,

You could do a lot worse that emulate MacLean, especially when he uses the method favored by the Chicago Manual of Style, Strunk & White, and the AP style book.

A lot of authors try to avoid that situation whenever possible by keeping a character's uninterrupted comments in a single paragraph. And while that isn't always possible, much less desirable, IMHO, the two paragraphs in your example could be combined with no loss of clarity.

Rumple

 

[Dirty Slut]

I agree with Rumple...

However another thing writers do to get out of figuring the right way to do it is to have another character interject a few words, thus starting a conversation that will not require: he said, she said as we already know who is talking.

DS

 

[Seattle Zack]

You're right, raphy, MacLean used to do that a lot, now that you mention it. Most writers today seem to toss in a throwaway action at the start of the next paragraph ... "She turned to the window." then continue the conversation.

 

[Quasimodem]

I'll bet a cookie that I know one reason you see closed quotations used at the end of a mid-quotation paragraph. Every word possessor's Grammar-Check that I've ever seen either closes them automatically, or else nags the operator to close them.

The method you used is the proper – as opposed to the default – method.

 

[Just_John1]

You got it right Raphy

Another author that does the same thing alot is WEB Griffen.

 

[raphy]

*grins* ..

The character that's speaking has quite a long speech, and I kinda got sick of breaking it up with the 'she turned to the window' style throwaway lines.

Unfortunately, it's not possible for me to interject dialogue from the other character who's listening to her, purely because of the mood of the piece. The speaking character is, to coin a phrase, 'pouring her heart out', and the guy who's listening to her feels partially responsible for it, and just has absolutely no clue what to say. Otherwise, that's what I'd do *grins*

And yeah, Zack. MacLean does do it a lot, and I notice it a lot, because MacLean's characters tend to be very loquacious, so you see it fairly often in his dialogue. No complaints here, I like MacLean dialogue.

Thanks for the comments, all. I think this is a good piece of dialogue. Pretty heavy stuff...

Basically, it's a conversation between two people who share the same skeleton in their closet.

Marshall used to be a bodyguard. He was hired to protect a Brazilian government attache from a death threat. The Brazilian had a daughter, and after the people responsible for the death threat had been elimited by Marshall and his team, the Brazilian ordered his daughter executed, because she was a security risk to him.

Marshall interrupted the execution, and then went back and killed the Brazilian (who was in his hotel). The daughter was fifteen at the time. It's now ten years later, and this is the first time that that the two have met since the day it all happened. In the intervening years, the daughter has learnt what actually happened that day. (After he'd rescured her, Marshall had left her in what is effectively a commune, where she could disappear and become invisible. He never told her what happened to her father)

So.. it's a pretty weighty conversation.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Unfortunately, it's not possible for me to interject dialogue from the other character who's listening to her, purely because of the mood of the piece.

raphy,

Just a suggestion: You can break a long monologue with more than just a verbal response. For instance, since the other character in your example is a guy he could be making some sensitive, non-verbal response, such as: checking out her boobs, picking his nose, or scatching his nuts.

Rumple

 

[KillerMuffin]

I'm not trying to be messing with you or anything, I just couldn't explain it. It was weirrrrrrrrd. With a capital r. So, I had to settle for a demonstration.

"I---" She faltered, the first time she'd stumbled since she started talking. He almost went to her then. Almost reached out and touched her shoulder. Almost. But she found her voice again. Found the words again. "I got drunk. I mean, really, really drunk."

Her fingers clutched at her napkin reflexively. "I didn't know what else to do. I locked myself in my place and I didn't come out for three days."

He wanted to touch her, offer her comfort. He needed to, but somehow managed to stop himself.

"They had to break down the door eventually." She took a deep breath and let it out with a shaky sigh. "I was a mess, Marshall. And it took me a long time to come to terms with what happened. A real long time, y'know."

He watched her knuckles turn white around the napkin and took a deep, steadying breath of his own.

"I didn't know whether to be grateful, or to cry, or to hate you. Or to hate him. Just curled up into a little ball and wanted the world to fuck off and leave me alone."

Of course, you gotta look for tone. You don't want a halting speech to come out without body language and you don't want a fast moving speech to come out with lotsa breaks. If she's in a rush to get it all out, then don't add in extra stuff and remove his reactions.

I'm lecturing. Sorry.

 

[raphy]

Yeah.. It's really all about pacing.

That said, it's something I can fix in the editing. It's written now, at least =)

And no worries, Muffie. I have a lot of respect for you and your writing ability. Always have done. Thanks for chipping in on this thread.

 

[Mhari]

I think what you wrote is just fine. You used the proper punctuation (said the technical writing professor), and I think the way you wrote it works for your genre. You don't need anything more. Just the bare bones.

 

[pop_54]

Lo mate

You did good raphy, nothing wrong with that method of continuation, or any method for that matter, the main thing to remember is, 'the reader needs to know what's going on and who's doing the talking'.

Rather than interject with another character dialogue to break a long winded speech, which can cause confusion, I prefer a small snippet of narrative if I think Mr/Mrs average reader may be getting confused by the length of the piece and numerous para breaks.

She paused for breath then continued. Or something along those lines.

Thing is we all love to go by the book, but as others have said, there are so many books and methods.

We authors often forget who we are actually writing a story for, is it looking for critical acclaim, or for average people to read, 80 Percent of them will not have a degree in English Lit. Make it too complex in layout or too overly technical in form, and Mr/Mrs average will go look for something a bit simpler to read.

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Lo mate

Originally posted by pop_54 Make it too complex in layout or too overly technical in form, and Mr/Mrs average will go look for something a bit simpler to read.

Dear Pop,
I think many authors here tend to ignore a very important fact: The vast majority of readers don't want anything that doesn't facilitate the mistreating of their clergyman.
MG

 

[oggbashan]

Readers seem to ignore my long sentences so I try to keep them short.

If I could do that with my stories?

Og

 

[Quasimodem]

Dear Pop, I think many authors here tend to ignore a very important fact: The vast majority of readers don't want anything that doesn't facilitate the mistreating of their clergyman. MG

Shame on you, MG. This is a gross oversimplification.

It is not because of their cloth that readers desire their clergy be abused. That is merely an unintentional byproduct.

It is because clergymen expend such effort reiterating their vision that the clergy is the shepherd, while the congregation is the flock. Considering the disadvantage at which this places the congregation, can you blame them for desiring that a bit of buggery be visited upon their tormentor.

Although human nature is, of course, everywhere; in this case, it is much more noticeable in Australia and South Africa.

 

[MathGirl]

Originally posted by Quasimodem the clergy is the shepherd, while the congregation is the flock.

Dear Quaz,
It always comes down to sheep with you, doesn't it?
MG

 

[raphy]

Dear Quaz,
It always comes down to sheep with you, doesn't it?
MG

Be careful, MG. He may yet tell us why, and I don't think my thread would ever recover.

 

[Quasimodem]

Be careful, MG. He may yet tell us why, and I don't think my thread would ever recover.

raphy,

I didn't realize you controlled the grazing rights, here.

However, if you exhume the past, you will find that it is our Numerical Bo Peep whose passing usually litters a thread with sheep droppings.

I, on the other hand, am still committed to rescuing atavistic twittering transvestite transients who arrive, ill equipped to cope, in our prefab post industrial civilization, from their pastoral agrarian milieu.

 

[MathGirl]

I, on the other hand, am still committed to rescuing atavistic twittering transvestite transients who arrive, ill equipped to cope, in our prefab post industrial civilization, from their pastoral agrarian milieu.

Dear Quaz,
As I have often said, you are a wonderful person. Even if you do have an odd ovine fixation.
MG
Ps. One if by land, two if by sea. Up to a week during a full moon.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I, on the other hand, am still committed to rescuing atavistic twittering transvestite transients who arrive, ill equipped to cope, in our prefab post industrial civilization, from their pastoral agrarian milieu.

Ain't he sweet?

Keep this up Quasi, and you'll earn a free membership in the Pat Buchannan chapter of Alliterators Anonymous. (For those not in the," 'literation loop," old PB wrote a speech for then VP Spiro Agnew which contained the immortal line, "nattering nabobs of negativism.")

Recoiling from Right-wing Republicans Rumple

 

[Quasimodem]

. . . Keep this up Quasi, and you'll earn a free membership in the Pat Buchannan chapter of Alliterators Anonymous. . .

If nominated, I shall not run.
If elected I shall not serve.

Now, if you had said the Pat Buttram Chapter, I would have accepted, graciously.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

If nominated, I shall not run.
If elected I shall not serve.

Now, if you had said the Pat Buttram Chapter, I would have accepted, graciously.

Me, too. Where, oh where, is Mr. Haney now that we need him?

Retro Rumple

 

[MathGirl]

the Pat Buttram Chapter

"Gorsh, looks like ol' Roy's gonna take the skin boat to tuna town. Shore hope Dale don't catch him." Baaaaa
MG