Questions to ask an unfaithful spouse

[octobersky]

I posted about my unfaithful husband and how to move forward. I've come to the realization I need to sit down with him and ask him questions. I need questions that are not attacking and won't put him on the defensive. Since I'm emotionally devastated by what's happened I'm coming here to ask for your help.

I'm asking you to help me with questions that will help him to open up to me and be honest with me. I also hope the woman in the affair with him will be willing to talk to me also, so any well worded questions directed at her would be helpful.

Also, a few of you mentioned keyloggers to track online activity. How do those work? What information will they give me. I've read about them online, but I need one that is very user friendly and not hard to use.

 

[1dude]

First, I would recommend a counselor as they can get both of you to open up. As a man, your request sounds like you blame him entirely and the truth may be you may have influenced his decision to stray. Second, leave the other woman out of it. Her reasons for being involved is of no concern to you and her input will cloud your attempt to understand you and your spouses relationship.

 

[eric60red]

I posted about my unfaithful husband and how to move forward. I've come to the realization I need to sit down with him and ask him questions. I need questions that are not attacking and won't put him on the defensive. Since I'm emotionally devastated by what's happened I'm coming here to ask for your help.

I'm asking you to help me with questions that will help him to open up to me and be honest with me. I also hope the woman in the affair with him will be willing to talk to me also, so any well worded questions directed at her would be helpful.

Also, a few of you mentioned keyloggers to track online activity. How do those work? What information will they give me. I've read about them online, but I need one that is very user friendly and not hard to use.

How about "Do you love me"
It does take two to make a marriage work, I should know its been 46 years since I walked she walked down the aisle, to become mine.

 

[heavyhitter01]

First, I would recommend a counselor as they can get both of you to open up. As a man, your request sounds like you blame him entirely and the truth may be you may have influenced his decision to stray. Second, leave the other woman out of it. Her reasons for being involved is of no concern to you and her input will cloud your attempt to understand you and your spouses relationship.

As a man, I completely disagree.

She has a right to ask any question she wants of anyone in the situation. She has been wronged; whatever the reasons were, she deserves to find them, and if that means asking questions of the other woman, so be it.

As for the rest of your comment, you might want to go read her other thread and get the history before you suggest she might have influenced his decisions.

To octobersky:

I'm not sure anyone can really give you a good list of questions, because every marriage is different. But I can suggest that you start by asking your husband what the "other woman" gave him. Not physically -- you already know about the sex -- but what did she give him emotionally? What attracted him to her in the first place? What did he need that he somehow wasn't getting at home?

But be cautious...from your other posts, it seems he's the kind of man who might not give you a straight answer on anything, and he might even try to hurt you out of some misguided attempt to make himself feel better.

If you have the slightest inkling that he's doing this to you, ask him those questions in front of a counselor. As I think I mentioned in your other thread, he can try to bullshit you, but it will be tough for him to bullshit a counselor who has seen his kind of attitude over and over again. A good counselor can also help you get to the bottom of the situation by asking questions that you might have never thought to ask.

Good luck to you.

 

[imemkay]

HH had some good suggestions to ask your husband. Based on your other thread, I would ask those questions in front of a counselor too. You know that you've caught him in lie after lie, even when confronted with evidence. I am not sure you'll find the answers that you want. Even if he does answer the questions, I don't know that you'll believe of what he says anyway.

As for questions to ask the other woman...that's a tough one. I confronted the other woman in my marriage. It was very cathartic. I don't recall if I asked her any questions, mostly I just unloaded on her. I did feel better afterwards. I don't know if asking her questions will help either, as I wouldn't believe her to be a truthful person. But, like I said, even if you just get everything out, I think you may feel better. It will be hard, but try not to curse, or even raise your voice...you're classier than that!!

I wish you luck!

 

[1dude]

As a man, I completely disagree.

She has a right to ask any question she wants of anyone in the situation. She has been wronged; whatever the reasons were, she deserves to find them, and if that means asking questions of the other woman, so be it.

As for the rest of your comment, you might want to go read her other thread and get the history before you suggest she might have influenced his decisions.

To octobersky:

I'm not sure anyone can really give you a good list of questions, because every marriage is different. But I can suggest that you start by asking your husband what the "other woman" gave him. Not physically -- you already know about the sex -- but what did she give him emotionally? What attracted him to her in the first place? What did he need that he somehow wasn't getting at home?

But be cautious...from your other posts, it seems he's the kind of man who might not give you a straight answer on anything, and he might even try to hurt you out of some misguided attempt to make himself feel better.

If you have the slightest inkling that he's doing this to you, ask him those questions in front of a counselor. As I think I mentioned in your other thread, he can try to bullshit you, but it will be tough for him to bullshit a counselor who has seen his kind of attitude over and over again. A good counselor can also help you get to the bottom of the situation by asking questions that you might have never thought to ask.

Good luck to you.

She has the right but the other woman's motives won't help her in her relationship. And as you suggest "what did he need he wasn't getting at home?" is about the same as saying she might have influenced his decision. None of us trying to help here knows "the history" even after reading the other post. Exactly who is culpable and why is what the counselor can help with.

 

[monkeyman057]

I agree that she has the right to ask her husband any question that she feels she needs an answer for.

I disagree with the idea that she's entitled to ask the 'other woman' anything.

I just don't see how any good can come of that. I don't know what someone would expect to gain from such a conversation.

Maybe I'm alone in this, but my ex-wife cheated on me. I don't hold that other guy responsible in any way. It was her choice and she would have done it regardless of who happened to be filling those shoes. Anything he would have to say about it would be irrelevant.

Edit: For the OP - Are you prepared to deal with the possibility that there's really no concrete REASON that this happened? That it was a poor choice that your husband made - a genuine mistake and a lapse in judgement? Sometimes there's nothing wrong with what we have at home but for whatever reason we just want more. Its shallow, greedy, and ultimately unforgivable. But there may not be any good reason that this happened. Consider that he may not have a good answer for whatever list of questions that you come up with. Do you think you could ever be satisfied if he doesn't have 'acceptable' answers to your questions?

 

[FindingFire]

At this point do you really think any answer will be believable? The trust is gone. He's only gonna answer with what he feels will put the blame on you or with what he thinks will shut you up.

 

[heavyhitter01]

She has the right but the other woman's motives won't help her in her relationship. And as you suggest "what did he need he wasn't getting at home?" is about the same as saying she might have influenced his decision. None of us trying to help here knows "the history" even after reading the other post. Exactly who is culpable and why is what the counselor can help with.

By asking "what did he need that he wasn't getting at home," I'm suggesting that she get to the point of what made him want to stray. Was he unhappy with her? Perhaps he was. However, the decision to stray was his and his alone.

He had the choice to make: Do I talk to my wife about this, or do I go to someone else for it? He chose to go to someone else. That means that he gave her NO opportunity to fix the problem. Therefore, it wasn't her fault -- it was entirely his.

By knowing why he made that particularly loathsome choice, she can find at least some measure of closure and if she chooses to continue the marriage, she can better see the warning signs if he decides to step out on her again.

With that said, I agree with you that professional counseling is the only way to truly get to the bottom of the situation.

 

[KierstH12]

..................

 

[subwannabe]

OK. You are in major denial here. What on Earth do you hope to accomplish by going this route? What kind of answers from him and her are you looking for? Do you believe they will really tell you the truth if asked correctly? Your last paragraph tells it all. No matter what their answers are you plan on trying to monitor his online activity because you will never be able to trust him. Believe me, he will get sneakier and sneakier. It will always be possible to circumvent whatever means you use to check on him. Is this the life you really want? I understand that you are emotionally devastated by this but do you want to stay emotionally devastated for the rest of your life or do you want to move on? You are very naive if you think they will just confess, tell you why they did it, and he won't ever cheat on you again. It's not going to happen, no matter how much you want to fantasize that that is the case.

 

[Emerson40]

Octobersky, you are in a tough, tough spot, made all the tougher because you are so emotionally invested in the situation.

I've got no questions to offer you that will hold him any more accountable or make him see the error of his ways. The facts are the facts, his actions and decisions are his. He is an adult, and is well aware of what he did, whether it was wrong or not, and if he has half a brain and is paying attention, is aware of the devastation he has brought into your home and relationship.
Kudos to you for trying to work things out. Many wouldn't and most would have either walked or sent him packing.

I think the folks here that suggested a counsellor are on the mark. Never mind the "counselling" bit for now, but think of this person as independent of the two of you who can keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand, and is unaffected by button-pushing, and who won't allow any nonsense, tolerate any BS or avoidance from either. This person has no horse in the race and won't "side" with one or the other (such as a friend or family member would, even if they thought they weren't). The counsellor would offer guidance and moderate.

Perhaps more important than preparing questions, you should try to prepare yourself for the answers you may hear. Some will be hurtful, even if not said maliciously or with the intent to hurt. He sounds like the kind of guy that may try to deflect some of the bad stuff (blame) from himself, even if that means the only other place it may land on is you. There will be a great deal more introspection (yes, even more than you may already be doing) on your part, and you will find yourself questioning yourself and your actions / deeds / comments from the past.
This is all part of a process. I think you are doing all of this because you give a shit, and you are willing to fight for your marriage if you feel there is still a marriage worth fighting for. If he feels the same, he will participate and cooperate. If he doesn't, still seek a counsellor - just a legal one instead of a marital one.

As far as the other woman goes, there really is nothing to gain in asking her questions. As others have pointed out, there is no motivation for her to contribute to the salvage operation your marriage has become, nor any reason for her to be forthcoming or honest with you about the affair or her role in it. She was your husband's mistress, his "piece on the side", and unless he wronged her in some fashion or misled her (didn't say he was married for instance) in some way, the two of you will have no solidarity in dealing with him.
If you want to unload on her, blast her with both verbal barrels, and let her know just what you think of her, and this will make you feel better, fine. But if you are looking for answers from her, or want her to empathize, you are probably wasting your time and energy.

Good luck Octobersky. Whether you are able to piece your marriage back together, or you decide to end things, you have a tough road ahead.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

I sympathize

My prediction is that answers to the the questions you seek are going to be largely unsatisfying and unfruitful. My guess is that "Why" is going to be at the core of your quest and finding out why he did (to you) what he did will not be useful.
Having gone far, far down the road you are on, my advice is to begin by asking questions of yourself. How did I mislead myself or how did this guy mislead me into thinking we had something special when, in fact, he's a turkey, or, more likely, a turd? Were there not clues in his behavior that I missed or glossed over by thinking "Things will be better when we're man and wife."? When the grieving, remorse, anger, and all those other emotions have calmed down, the most important question is, "How do I avoid a repetition?"
You have my heartfelt sympathy and best wishes. You are on a very hard, difficult road.

 

[Somehowyou]

First, I would recommend a counselor as they can get both of you to open up. As a man, your request sounds like you blame him entirely and the truth may be you may have influenced his decision to stray. Second, leave the other woman out of it. Her reasons for being involved is of no concern to you and her input will cloud your attempt to understand you and your spouses relationship.

This is true. There is no need to talk to the other woman.

 

[njlauren]

First, I would recommend a counselor as they can get both of you to open up. As a man, your request sounds like you blame him entirely and the truth may be you may have influenced his decision to stray. Second, leave the other woman out of it. Her reasons for being involved is of no concern to you and her input will cloud your attempt to understand you and your spouses relationship.

I think the problem here is confusing why he strayed with blame. The blame for cheating is all his, there is no justification for it in anything she did, that is the problem. For example, if the OP was some religious nut who decided that sex was done with once the kids were hatched, then that could be a contributing cause to him cheating, but the blame for actually doing it is his, in that he a)either needed to get his wife counselling to make her understand that even the RC sees sex officially as a good thing in a marriage and b) if she wouldn't get help, then he needed to be truthful and get out. Usually there are reasons for cheating outside of it being hot, a fantasy or whatever, and it can be traced back at times to deficiencies in a partner, but the ultimate blame for cheating is with the person who does it, in the end they chose that route.

As far as the other woman goes, quite honestly it is a waste of time. Her reasons have nothing to do with why he cheated and she is unlikely to give you any clues as to why he cheated with her....her motives are her own and won't help much IMO.

I have to be honest, I agree with others, I am not sure how much anyone here can help. The problem with Q and A is you ultimately are faced with the reality he could tell you anything, unless you feel you can tell if he is lying, you might be getting complete fabrications from him. For example, you can ask him if he cheated because you were not good in bed, and he could say "no, you are great, she was just different", which is a cop out IMO (means he found her hot and you not so much IME). Some guys when they get caught are the type who have to come clean and open up, because of guilt; others are the type that can rationalize and justify what they did/are doing, and don't tell the truth because they are so good at lying to themselves it is first nature to do it with others, too. From what you posted elsewhere it sounded like he was evasive when you confronted him and wouldn't talk, I am not sure how much this would help.

I agree if you are going to try this do it with a counselor, they are pretty good at reading evasions, plus the counselor can help guide it.....

I wish you well.

 

[bob53]

What you are going through at this moment is well described here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

The relationship you had is over.

Any relationship you have with him going forward is a NEW relationship as the core terms of the original relationship have been severely broken.

Once you accept this and move through the 5 stages described at the above link will you be at a place to move forward.

Then you get to choose whether you want a relationship with this person or not. IF you choose to have a relationship with him both of you need to DEFINE and agree the terms of this NEW relationship.

This NEW relationship may be anything the two of you choose it to be.

From no contact of any kind other than through attorneys ( for the kids support, etc.)

to a committed monogamous conventional marriage,

To a FB or FWB with no strings on either side.

Whatever the two of you can truthfully agree to and choose to maintain.

Please for your sake study the 5 stages well described in the above link and how each of those 5 stages are playing out through your current feelings.

I and I am sure others will agree have seen at least 3 of these stages in some form between your various posts.

There is nothing wrong with this as it is part of the normal grief process we all experience.

Also expect to bounce between each of these 5 stages for a while as you sort things out. They keep rearing their head in different manners.

 

[silverwhisper]

octobersky: honestly, i think that this exercise, should you pursue it, is much more about you getting things out than it is about getting meaningful answers.

you've already made clear in the other thread that you mistrust what he will say in response--which is underscored by your also having asked about keyloggers in your first post.

while i'm certainly sympathetic--i have cheated myself and remain deeply ashamed of this--i'm not sure given what you've said that any answers you get will be productive.

having said that, i would suggest asking:

1) are you committed to rebuilding the trust between us?
2) what steps are you willing to take on an ongoing basis to rebuild that trust?
3) what questions would you ask of me were our situations reversed?

ed

 

[KierstH12]

.................

 

[octobersky]

I can't trust him, I can't trust his answers and I can't trust him to leave her. It feels like I am stuck in a cycle of insanity and the only way to get out of this cycle is to leave him.

The problem is I have a hard time getting from my house to the attorney's office. The first step towards divorce is the most difficult to take.

Why could he not choose his family over her? I feel like the world's biggest failure.

 

[GrrlFriday]

In terms of 'getting there' - make the appointment, then arrange to do something that you enjoy near to the attorney's office - even something as simple as getting a coffee in a nice coffee place and sitting down and reading the paper without distractions might be feasible, or going window-shopping. Making an appointment makes going to the attorney's office a commitment - sometimes the act of making it a commitment is enough to boot yourself out the door to meet it. Just make sure to leave enough time to get to the attorney's office in time for the appointment - for this reason, you might not want to meet a friend beforehand.

 

[njlauren]

What you are going through at this moment is well described here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kübler-Ross_model

The relationship you had is over.

Any relationship you have with him going forward is a NEW relationship as the core terms of the original relationship have been severely broken.

Once you accept this and move through the 5 stages described at the above link will you be at a place to move forward.

Then you get to choose whether you want a relationship with this person or not. IF you choose to have a relationship with him both of you need to DEFINE and agree the terms of this NEW relationship.

This NEW relationship may be anything the two of you choose it to be.

From no contact of any kind other than through attorneys ( for the kids support, etc.)

to a committed monogamous conventional marriage,

To a FB or FWB with no strings on either side.

Whatever the two of you can truthfully agree to and choose to maintain.

Please for your sake study the 5 stages well described in the above link and how each of those 5 stages are playing out through your current feelings.

I and I am sure others will agree have seen at least 3 of these stages in some form between your various posts.

There is nothing wrong with this as it is part of the normal grief process we all experience.

Also expect to bounce between each of these 5 stages for a while as you sort things out. They keep rearing their head in different manners.

Nicely put, what you are describing is the process of reconciliation; not in the sense of getting back together as husband and wife, but rather defining what the new relationship will be going forward. You could argue telling him to take a hike and hating him is a form as well, since it is a kind of relationship, but mostly it is working through the rubble and either rebuilding there, or rebuilding apart with some sort of tie remaining, even if it is simply the kids and being co-parents.

 

[njlauren]

I can't trust him, I can't trust his answers and I can't trust him to leave her. It feels like I am stuck in a cycle of insanity and the only way to get out of this cycle is to leave him.

The problem is I have a hard time getting from my house to the attorney's office. The first step towards divorce is the most difficult to take.

Why could he not choose his family over her? I feel like the world's biggest failure.

The first step to anything is always the hardest, no matter what you do, the first steps into a new school after you have moved, deciding what college to go to, deciding what job to go for, all have first steps. Talk to folks who are gay about the coming out process, first being honest with themselves, and secondly coming out, it is the same thing. It took me forever to start the process of self evaluation in terms of my gender status, I was scared to do anything because I knew what a major change it was an I was scared of what I would find...

As far as being a failure, don't even go there, you aren't a failure, you didn't cause him to chose her over his family,he did that..or rather, what the lily livered coward did was try and choose her and keep his family....unlike you, who is struggling with the reality of divorce, realizing things are over or seemingly are, he has basically created a cushy little world with his mistress and yet can have the convenience of the wife and family to show the rest of the world how normal he is, it is smugly having his cake and eating it too. On top of everything else, he is putting effort it seems into maintaining his nice little other world and not even really thinking about what it is doing to his family, and quite honestly, that is pathetic.

I can't or won't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that in my case I couldn't have gone on my journey of discovery without help, and one of the things a good counselor can do is help give that push out the door, to help you find that strength you need. The other thing is, do you have any good friends, I mean really good friends, you can confide in,preferably people not friends with your husband as well? A good friend can help, too, they can tell you you have at least one person in your corner, they can even help take you on those steps, encouraging you, as friends did with myself. I remember once being out after a support group, still unsure of the way I looked, afraid, and walking with a good friend of mine , and having something dreaded happen,being made as trans, walking by a bunch of 20 something yuppie types, who were all laughing and pointing, and my friend put them in their place , turned the tables on them and told them to grow up with derision...it shut them up, and also gave me back some of the courage that ran the other way down the street.... . The way you make that first step often is having someone holding your hand, metaphorically or really.

When you say you are a loser , again, that isn't true, your hubby is. A loser would just sit back and whine, at least you are reaching out to others, trying to figure out what to do....we can only go so far in helping you in hear, electrons can do a lot of things but your situation I am afraid they won't (not unless you have someone willing to give him a 220 volt enema, that is the one thing electrons could do well!). Take the next step and find a counselor/therapist (not the person you were doing couples with, that sounded useless), confide in a friend, and I will bet he will soon know he is the loser. I am not taking the possibility of divorce lightly and perhaps in the end you will decide you don't want it, but you won't know until you start at least looking into it, and perhaps at the least working on exploring what life after divorce might mean for you.

I wish you well, and again, you aren't a loser, a loser is a person dealt a bad situation who does nothing to resolve it you have already started doing that

 

[bob53]

Nicely put, what you are describing is the process of reconciliation; not in the sense of getting back together as husband and wife, but rather defining what the new relationship will be going forward. You could argue telling him to take a hike and hating him is a form as well, since it is a kind of relationship, but mostly it is working through the rubble and either rebuilding there, or rebuilding apart with some sort of tie remaining, even if it is simply the kids and being co-parents.

Actually it could be anything from getting back together as husband and wife to totally no contact.

The point is that they get to now clarify the terms of what the relationship is going to look like from this point forward.

Assuming that the terms of the marriage they had were to be monogamous, that relationship along with the trust has been destroyed by the affair and his continuing to try to hide things.

My wording is careful as EVERYONE has different definitions of "marriage" and "cheating". All to often we assume our partner has the same definition. The details will vary depending on the culture that each grew up in. Some of these details can be the cause of HUGE conflicts.

To a couple in a swinging relationship cheating is hiding anything.
If 1/2 the couple goes to bed with someone with full disclosure AND agreement with the other half that is not cheating.
If it is done without full disclosure and consent it is cheating.

Open marriages bring along another batch of definitions.

These types of things define the terms of the relationship and/or marriage.

 

[silverwhisper]

octobersky quoth:
why could he not choose his family over her? i feel like the world's biggest failure.

another person's betrayal do not make you a failure. ever.

ed

 

[prunedfingers]

I can't trust him, I can't trust his answers and I can't trust him to leave her. It feels like I am stuck in a cycle of insanity and the only way to get out of this cycle is to leave him.

The problem is I have a hard time getting from my house to the attorney's office. The first step towards divorce is the most difficult to take.

Why could he not choose his family over her? I feel like the world's biggest failure.

With this being said - the only question you shouls ask is "was she worth it?" As you hand him the divorce papers.... i know you are enraged and hurt and want answers - but you will only set yourself up for more pain by 1. Not liking what you hear. Or more likely 2. Hearing lies that you desperately want to believe but but know they are just more lies...

You are not a failure - but asking him why or trying to fix something you know in your heart cannot be fixed will only make you feel like a failure - don't set yourself up for that it will only add to your pain... you are worth the truth, and you are better than what his actions are making you feel - he is the failure - not you...