_AlexHaas_
Virgin
- Joined
- May 24, 2002
- Posts
- 2
Questions, Questions - Need Advice
Hey everyone,
I really don't post here that often, I'm usually on and off the internet fairly quick but I do take time when I have it to read the discussions here and this seemed like the logical place to just post questions that I have lately and maybe someone has been through the same thing (actually, most probably have) can answer.
The gist of things... I'm 23. Ex-girlfriend is just about 20. We dated for about a year and a half, broke things off in April. My dad passed away a few weeks later. The ex and I remained friends, just felt that things didn't feel like they used to. We both go to the school in the same place (I just graduated) and both live in the same town (an hour and a half away from the school city). So this summer we've been in constant contact, mind you not nearly as much as when we were together, but most days we'll talk for a few minutes and get together a couple of times per week to hang out.
Now, in September, she goes back to school, and has two years left. I am currently looking for a job, either in that city (a decision I had made before I even met her) or locally here, where I live with my mom to help her out. We (ex and I) have vowed to remain good friends and I honestly and truly just want the best for her. The problem is that I've been burned in the past by that promise, and had another ex-girlfriend just cut all contact becuase of the new guy. She says that she doesn't want another boyfriend right now, but admits that's the way she felt when we got together and still ended up in a relationship. She also admits that she doesn't feel (and if she "doesn't feel" something, it means it'll never happen) that she'll find a husband in university.
We got talking last night and we were discussing the future and I layed out my plans, which are detailed in nature and basically, I have no worries of being financially secure, being able to travel, and pay for kids' education etc. She, on the other hand, wants to be a teacher, has enough debt already, with three more years total of school, will have much more. She is someone that feels the burden of money much more than I. She also comes from a family that lives an "average" life, according to her. Problem is, she doesn't want that at all. I tried to explain that (maybe due to her age), she doesnt' realize how hard parents try to do their best. She says she doesn't want an "average" life, and points to how I'll be able (God willing) to afford the luxuries, etc. Also, when I say luxuries, that means things like the travel mentioned. If I have extra money to spend, my preference is to do something that friends can be involved in. IE I would rather spend money on having a great party and a great time than the latest gizmo or gadget of the month. Sorry, just wanted to make that clarification. I jokingly (at first) mentioned that after time, she might realize that we made a mistake and come to me with it. This upset her, and she basically said that I inferred she has two options, either the "average" life that she doesn't want, or to get back together. For the record, she said that, at this point, she doesnt' feel mistakes were made, and she would have felt it already if she did think that. I pointed out that the average life is the "average" life for a reason, because it is the level that the majority of the population falls into. And besides, life is what you make it (in my opinion), and you're just as average as you believe you are. This got me thinking, though, that if we remain friends like we say, this is a situation that I really don't see as being that far-fetched.
As for me, right now, as mentioned, I'm looking for a job which is a tedious process and something that seems will never happen until it finally does. Some days I literally get out of bed just to go to the gym and help with work around the house. I go out with friends (including the ex) about 4-5 times per week. It's just distressing that she has far greater odds of meeting someone new in school than I do here, despite the fact that I have the far better chance (based on how school is only 8 months, and then its back home, as well as her aforementioned attitude) of finding something long-lasting. I'm the type of person that stands by friends no matter what, and besides from some horrendous criminal act, I can never see myself not helping out a friend when s/he really needs it. Of all my "friends", I have 4 or so (including her) in that particular group.
Now, re-reading this, I see that I may come off like I'm not over things, or I want her back. Truthfully, as we stand now when it comes to relationships, it just won't work. She makes unilateral decisions (ie deciding it was over at least twice before even mentioning anything was wrong, and then changing her mind) and her attitude of "Sex is sex. It's not that important. I can help myself, it's really not a big deal. Once a week, or every few weeks, is my ideal rate" doesn't jive well with me. In fact, I posed the question to her "Would you rather hang out with a group of friends or have sex?" and without any qualifications, said hang out with friends. Besides that, she's had very little experience relationship-wise and so while these faults are significant, its likely a problem of experience.
Now, as an added layer, she has told me, and I agree, that I know her better than she knows herself. I can tell immediately by her voice or facial expressions when something's wrong. She's an "intellectual" type, but would much rather just listen to two people talk forever about a random conversation (such as whether or not capitalism's benefits outweigh its faults) and pipe in with a comment every 15 minutes. She's shy in group settings and a roommate of mine at the time the ex and I were hooking up said he got "absolutely zero sexual vibe from her". At the time, I thought this to be a little harsh, but given what I've experienced with her, maybe not. Beyond this, she takes what I say almost always as face value, as she says I'm one of the smartest people she knows and that is sometimes intimidating (a comment I get more often than I'd like). I try to be absolutely outgoing and my nature is to treat everyone I meet on an equal playing field. I never assume I know any more or less than them, and that they are my equal in every way. Given this, the way I feel I know her and am capable or sitting down and doing things she likes best, it just seems to me that's going to be something very difficult to replicate. A couple of friends I've discussed this with agree.
All of this said, I think the world of this girl. I would never think to actually say to her (when talking about the future), "Well, yes, you probably will be a teacher, and a great teacher. But you probably also will live that average life you are so adament on not doing. And, I probably will end up doing as well as I say I will, because I'm stubborn and driven to succeed like no other I've met".
Between looking for a job, and not really having the outlets available to me to meet some new people, it seems as though I'll get the "worst" of this situation. The last few days I've felt very anxious about things. She has a world of opportunities (relationship-wise) available to her next month. In a sense, I'm very happy for her because if that's what she wants, then OK. I suppose this will show my own age and inexperience, but part of me just laughs and thinks the fact that she will settle for someone second-rate proves her destiny of her dreaded average life.
I guess I'm just looking for advice/comments/cheering up. I'm sure I've missed a few points through all this, and if I have, I will clarify.
So, other questions...
Is it possible to remain on "good friends" level with an ex? Is it a pipe dream? Do things eventually feel normal, and the relationship part just becomes a distant memory that really doesn't matter that much? What happens when a new boyfriend/girlfriend enters the equation?
Is intelligence really that intimidating?
Why is it that when you're involved, everyone in the world seems single, and when you're single, everyone in the world seems to be involved?
Anyone had a situation where an ex came back later and "realized" that they still had feelings and wanted to get back together? How do you handle that?
For those that are married/engaged, when/where did you meet your significant other?
Wow, that's a lot, I feel better actually just telling people about the situation.
I want to sincerely thank anyone that read through this entire post and has advice to offer. It's very cool of all of you!
Hey everyone,
I really don't post here that often, I'm usually on and off the internet fairly quick but I do take time when I have it to read the discussions here and this seemed like the logical place to just post questions that I have lately and maybe someone has been through the same thing (actually, most probably have) can answer.
The gist of things... I'm 23. Ex-girlfriend is just about 20. We dated for about a year and a half, broke things off in April. My dad passed away a few weeks later. The ex and I remained friends, just felt that things didn't feel like they used to. We both go to the school in the same place (I just graduated) and both live in the same town (an hour and a half away from the school city). So this summer we've been in constant contact, mind you not nearly as much as when we were together, but most days we'll talk for a few minutes and get together a couple of times per week to hang out.
Now, in September, she goes back to school, and has two years left. I am currently looking for a job, either in that city (a decision I had made before I even met her) or locally here, where I live with my mom to help her out. We (ex and I) have vowed to remain good friends and I honestly and truly just want the best for her. The problem is that I've been burned in the past by that promise, and had another ex-girlfriend just cut all contact becuase of the new guy. She says that she doesn't want another boyfriend right now, but admits that's the way she felt when we got together and still ended up in a relationship. She also admits that she doesn't feel (and if she "doesn't feel" something, it means it'll never happen) that she'll find a husband in university.
We got talking last night and we were discussing the future and I layed out my plans, which are detailed in nature and basically, I have no worries of being financially secure, being able to travel, and pay for kids' education etc. She, on the other hand, wants to be a teacher, has enough debt already, with three more years total of school, will have much more. She is someone that feels the burden of money much more than I. She also comes from a family that lives an "average" life, according to her. Problem is, she doesn't want that at all. I tried to explain that (maybe due to her age), she doesnt' realize how hard parents try to do their best. She says she doesn't want an "average" life, and points to how I'll be able (God willing) to afford the luxuries, etc. Also, when I say luxuries, that means things like the travel mentioned. If I have extra money to spend, my preference is to do something that friends can be involved in. IE I would rather spend money on having a great party and a great time than the latest gizmo or gadget of the month. Sorry, just wanted to make that clarification. I jokingly (at first) mentioned that after time, she might realize that we made a mistake and come to me with it. This upset her, and she basically said that I inferred she has two options, either the "average" life that she doesn't want, or to get back together. For the record, she said that, at this point, she doesnt' feel mistakes were made, and she would have felt it already if she did think that. I pointed out that the average life is the "average" life for a reason, because it is the level that the majority of the population falls into. And besides, life is what you make it (in my opinion), and you're just as average as you believe you are. This got me thinking, though, that if we remain friends like we say, this is a situation that I really don't see as being that far-fetched.
As for me, right now, as mentioned, I'm looking for a job which is a tedious process and something that seems will never happen until it finally does. Some days I literally get out of bed just to go to the gym and help with work around the house. I go out with friends (including the ex) about 4-5 times per week. It's just distressing that she has far greater odds of meeting someone new in school than I do here, despite the fact that I have the far better chance (based on how school is only 8 months, and then its back home, as well as her aforementioned attitude) of finding something long-lasting. I'm the type of person that stands by friends no matter what, and besides from some horrendous criminal act, I can never see myself not helping out a friend when s/he really needs it. Of all my "friends", I have 4 or so (including her) in that particular group.
Now, re-reading this, I see that I may come off like I'm not over things, or I want her back. Truthfully, as we stand now when it comes to relationships, it just won't work. She makes unilateral decisions (ie deciding it was over at least twice before even mentioning anything was wrong, and then changing her mind) and her attitude of "Sex is sex. It's not that important. I can help myself, it's really not a big deal. Once a week, or every few weeks, is my ideal rate" doesn't jive well with me. In fact, I posed the question to her "Would you rather hang out with a group of friends or have sex?" and without any qualifications, said hang out with friends. Besides that, she's had very little experience relationship-wise and so while these faults are significant, its likely a problem of experience.
Now, as an added layer, she has told me, and I agree, that I know her better than she knows herself. I can tell immediately by her voice or facial expressions when something's wrong. She's an "intellectual" type, but would much rather just listen to two people talk forever about a random conversation (such as whether or not capitalism's benefits outweigh its faults) and pipe in with a comment every 15 minutes. She's shy in group settings and a roommate of mine at the time the ex and I were hooking up said he got "absolutely zero sexual vibe from her". At the time, I thought this to be a little harsh, but given what I've experienced with her, maybe not. Beyond this, she takes what I say almost always as face value, as she says I'm one of the smartest people she knows and that is sometimes intimidating (a comment I get more often than I'd like). I try to be absolutely outgoing and my nature is to treat everyone I meet on an equal playing field. I never assume I know any more or less than them, and that they are my equal in every way. Given this, the way I feel I know her and am capable or sitting down and doing things she likes best, it just seems to me that's going to be something very difficult to replicate. A couple of friends I've discussed this with agree.
All of this said, I think the world of this girl. I would never think to actually say to her (when talking about the future), "Well, yes, you probably will be a teacher, and a great teacher. But you probably also will live that average life you are so adament on not doing. And, I probably will end up doing as well as I say I will, because I'm stubborn and driven to succeed like no other I've met".
Between looking for a job, and not really having the outlets available to me to meet some new people, it seems as though I'll get the "worst" of this situation. The last few days I've felt very anxious about things. She has a world of opportunities (relationship-wise) available to her next month. In a sense, I'm very happy for her because if that's what she wants, then OK. I suppose this will show my own age and inexperience, but part of me just laughs and thinks the fact that she will settle for someone second-rate proves her destiny of her dreaded average life.
I guess I'm just looking for advice/comments/cheering up. I'm sure I've missed a few points through all this, and if I have, I will clarify.
So, other questions...
Is it possible to remain on "good friends" level with an ex? Is it a pipe dream? Do things eventually feel normal, and the relationship part just becomes a distant memory that really doesn't matter that much? What happens when a new boyfriend/girlfriend enters the equation?
Is intelligence really that intimidating?
Why is it that when you're involved, everyone in the world seems single, and when you're single, everyone in the world seems to be involved?
Anyone had a situation where an ex came back later and "realized" that they still had feelings and wanted to get back together? How do you handle that?
For those that are married/engaged, when/where did you meet your significant other?
Wow, that's a lot, I feel better actually just telling people about the situation.
I want to sincerely thank anyone that read through this entire post and has advice to offer. It's very cool of all of you!
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