Questions on social anxiety

[graceanne]

This evening I was putting kids to bed, and dealing with the weekly Sunday tears I get from my oldest about going to school this week. She wants me to home school her. I was talking to her, again, and trying to figure out why she doesn't want to go to school. She says her teacher is obnoxious, and my feeling is you eventually have to learn to deal with obnoxious people.

Anyway, she's in tears. Again. And I'm really thinking the teacher isn't the problem. (I've asked, in vague terms, and I'm pretty sure she's not being bullyed or molested. Just fyi.) To be honest, she's not a social person, and this has become more and more self evident the older she gets. I am social, but I try to respect that not everyone is, so I let her spend time in her room and the like. But i was pressing, and she told me she feels like she's 'being followed' and that 'someone' is staring at her. She says she just likes to stay in her room unless she's with people she knows (like her best friend).

It occurred to me that maybe this is more than her just being an introvert and somewhat shy. Maybe this is social anxiety, and developing into a full blown phobia. K and I talked, and we'll be making her an appointment with her primary and probably a counselor, to see what they think.

But, in the mean time, for those of you here who have social anxiety/phobias - I'm curious. When did you start noticing a full blown anxiety and then a phobia? What were the signs for you? What do you think, am I being paranoid?

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

This evening I was putting kids to bed, and dealing with the weekly Sunday tears I get from my oldest about going to school this week. She wants me to home school her. I was talking to her, again, and trying to figure out why she doesn't want to go to school. She says her teacher is obnoxious, and my feeling is you eventually have to learn to deal with obnoxious people.

Anyway, she's in tears. Again. And I'm really thinking the teacher isn't the problem. (I've asked, in vague terms, and I'm pretty sure she's not being bullyed or molested. Just fyi.) To be honest, she's not a social person, and this has become more and more self evident the older she gets. I am social, but I try to respect that not everyone is, so I let her spend time in her room and the like. But i was pressing, and she told me she feels like she's 'being followed' and that 'someone' is staring at her. She says she just likes to stay in her room unless she's with people she knows (like her best friend).

It occurred to me that maybe this is more than her just being an introvert and somewhat shy. Maybe this is social anxiety, and developing into a full blown phobia. K and I talked, and we'll be making her an appointment with her primary and probably a counselor, to see what they think.

But, in the mean time, for those of you here who have social anxiety/phobias - I'm curious. When did you start noticing a full blown anxiety and then a phobia? What were the signs for you? What do you think, am I being paranoid?

Generally the flight or fight response is the first sign to anxiety leading to panic attack type situations. Other than crying, is she having a physical reaction to the thought of going to school? Sweats, shakes, fluttering tummy, increased pulse, flushed face? Having trouble eating, or eating everything in sight?

Is the anxiety persistent through the week, or does it pass once she gets back into school? Is she tired? Lacking concentration and motivation, or interest in other things in her life?

Generally they'll ask about whether those feelings last a considerable length of time, and whether they're impacting on her day to day living.

 

[PertPerth]

I would take her to a psychologist ASAP. My gut feeling is that there is some kind of bullying or some kind of sexual abuse happening. I have first hand experience at both - my parents never knew. Even if they wanted to help, I don't think I could have spoken to them about it. Mum took me to the GP once, but refused to leave the room - so I said I was "stressed" and given a script for beta blockers.
And, fingers crossed, if it turns out that it's something else which is easier to fix/manage, then fantastic!
I hope it settles down soon.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I used to get like that about school from 11-16ish. I just dreaded it so much. The cause for me was having no friends and being bullied. I loved learning, and didn't have a problem with the teachers, but I hated being alone and the odd one out. I would have loved being homeschooled.

I'd definately get it looked into, best to catch it early.

 

[BiBunny]

I actually wasn't like this my whole life. The very first time I can remember being afraid in front of other people was when I made a speech in speech class when I was about 15. This wasn't the first speech I'd made in that class, mind you. I'd had no problems with the others I'd made in that class or in speeches I'd made in other classes. The teacher of the class and the other students in there were literally people I'd known my whole life. Hell, when I was in 5th and 6th grade, I won 1st place both years in the 4H public speaking contest. I even went to the county public speaking contest one year. (Classic only child overachiever.)

It just started one day in that 9th grade speech class. I gave a speech about horses, of all things, so it wasn't even that I wasn't familiar with my material, since I know horses like the back of my hand. But a tiny bit of apprehension slowly wrapped itself around my brain, and I couldn't shake it loose. I gave the speech, but I could hear my voice trembling, which, of course, made me more nervous.

Then, when I finished, one of kids in the class with me made an offhand comment about me not seeming as "prepared" as I normally was, and I was devastated. I didn't say anything, but still. I was prepared. I rehearsed every speech I ever made multiple times before I presented them. And for God's sake, this speech was about horses. I could've given it in my sleep. I was convinced that everyone thought I hadn't tried hard enough, that I hadn't worked on it enough, etc.

Since then, it's only gotten worse. If anyone calls attention to it, it makes me more self-conscious, which makes my fear more obvious, which makes people more likely to call attention to it, and so on. A very large part of the reason I had to stop working on my master's is that I couldn't get up there in front of a class full of people who are all teachers and are very critical of other students' performances to make themselves look better. (I was one of the only M.A.'s in the department. Most of them were M.S. Ed's with a concentration in English/Language Arts.) Not just for speeches, either. These are people who are accustomed to having their word viewed as law, and they couldn't stand it if they weren't the top dog. It was fucking vicious.

In one of the last classes I took for my master's, I had to give a speech (of course). It took three Xanax and two Klonopins to get up there. One of the major side effects of benzos, at least for me, is dry mouth. So I was up there slurring like a drunk because my mouth felt like chalk. My voice trembled when I spoke. I'd learned a long time ago to wear my glasses instead of my contacts when speaking in front of a group because I could push them far down my nose and look over the top of them when speaking, so even though it looked like I was looking up at the group, I couldn't actually see them. (I'm blind as a bat.) It helped a little.

But I made that speech, terrified, drugged like an addict, and trembling. Nobody had any idea how hard it was for me. I'm not one to call attention to my problems in real life because I don't want people thinking I'm using it as an excuse. Even the professor had no idea.

When I got my evaluation back, the professor had written, "You seemed a bit nervous. Try to slow down next time," or something to that effect. I cried out in my car because these assholes had no idea what it was like for me. "A bit nervous" was the understatement of the year.

Another less academic example: Kitty and I went to the local munch a few weeks ago. There was one douchebag there holding court, and we were all a captive audience. As the moron pronounced judgment on everything that came to mind as if he were the king of the whole thing, another guy, one of the organizers, actually, decided he'd be the court jester. What did he seize upon as the joke of the afternoon? My quietness, of course. It didn't take long for a couple of others to get in on the act, too.

After a long afternoon of such gems as "Don't y'all all talk at once" (directed toward Kitty and I), "I didn't realize there were shy kinky people," "If they [Kitty and I] don't stop talking, nobody's going to get a word in," and so on, I was sorely tempted to look at the sonsofbitches and say, "You know, if y'all would say something that was actually interesting and worth commenting on, I might talk."

So moral of the story, it's not just kids or teachers or whatever. It's grown people, too, who help perpetuate the cycle just because they're not smart enough to SHUT THE HELL UP. If you're dealing with someone who's quiet, shy, social phobic, or just nervous about being around new people, then for God's sake, talk to them like they're human beings. Don't point out that they're not talking. THEY ALREADY KNOW. And if you point it out and make them feel even more self-conscious, then they're even LESS likely to say anything! I don't know why that's so fucking hard to figure out.

/rant

But, yes, I went from fairly gregarious, if still socially awkward, and overachieving kid to adult who won't even make her own phone calls because she's afraid she'll sound stupid and people will secretly laugh at her and damn near flunked out of grad school because she was afraid to walk into a classroom full of people with all their eyes on me.

There are several influencing factors. Partly, it's genetic. People on my mother's side of the family have this problem in varying degrees. Another thing is that until I was 15 or 16 or so, my mother rarely let me socialize outside of school. Yeah, I played sports and stuff, but I never got to interact with my peers one-on-one and never really learned how to act around people who weren't my parents or teachers or whatever. And, yes, I believe part of it is that people are assholes. If they'd be a little more understanding sometimes, I don't think I'd be so overly self-conscious.

But I guess most of it is my fault. I know I'm more sensitive than most people to criticism or even perceived criticism. I take things to heart when I shouldn't. I'm also more empathic than most people, and "feeling" other people's emotions gets very tiring for me, so I guess in some ways, it's a defense mechanism.

I could write more, but I've gone on long enough. If you have any questions, gracie, or if I can help in any way, please let me know. For the record, I don't think you're being overly paranoid.

 

[rekane]

Oh your poor girlie! Hugs to her & you.
I would agree that she should be seen and evaluated by a trusted psychologist.
There are a myriad of things that it could be.
Bullying was my first thought when I read your post.
I know you have personally ruled it out, but girl to girl aggression is fierce and covert. She may not be able to verbalize the abuse because it can be very subtle.
In a different direction: A couple of people in my extended family have Asperger's, it is a condition on the autism spectrum. You would not know it to look at them, or hear them speak.
They are amazingly intelligent, yet not so gifted socially, to the point where they have little to no friends. This has caused some anxiety at times.
I know how hard it can be when your children are struggling and you have no answers. Hugs again.
Good luck - I hope you find some answers soon.

 

[graceanne]

Thanks y'all.

My daughter goes to a very small school, and is actually pretty popular. There are only six other girls in her grade, and I know them all. They're all friends, so when she says she's not being bullyed, I believe her. Beyond that, she's not one to put up with it - we had some issues with bullies at the apartment complex we used to live in, and she punched the bitch. That girl never bugged her again.

As for sexual abuse, it's always possible, but I'm not sure when it would be happening, which is why I believe her there, too. I'm a SAHM and I"m pretty careful about where they are and with whom. Quite frankly, she's never alone with anyone. She is not allowed to spend the night at anyone's house unless I know them, and she really doesn't spend the night at people's houses anyway. She's not being tutored, or hanging out with anyone after class (I pick them up when schools over and they spend the rest of the day with me). Because of the size of the school, and the fact that everything is very routine, she's never alone with any of the teachers, let alone her teacher.

As for the social anxiety, I know the actual symptoms, what I was asking is if it's possible that it could develop in a child who never had it before. It seems to me that her introversion is getting worse, but it could be just puberty making her more self conscious. Either way, we already plan on taking her to a counselor and getting their POV on the situation.

 

[BiBunny]

As for the social anxiety, I know the actual symptoms, what I was asking is if it's possible that it could develop in a child who never had it before.

Yep. It's definitely possible.

 

[graceanne]

Yep. It's definitely possible.

I see that. lol What you put, actually makes me more concerned that she's developing social anxiety. She's, also, one of those people who's a perfectionist and gets upset about offhand comments that weren't meant to bother her. When she was in 1st grade one of the girls in her class remarked she was kind of slow on a paper she was working on, and she was in tears over it. It's very easy for one of the other children to accidentally say something, but compliments bother her, too, cause then she thinks everyone is staring at her. (Someone complimented her voice once and now she won't sing where anyone can hear her. She just mouths the words to keep the music teacher off her butt.)

 

[graceanne]

Oh your poor girlie! Hugs to her & you.
I would agree that she should be seen and evaluated by a trusted psychologist.
There are a myriad of things that it could be.
Bullying was my first thought when I read your post.
I know you have personally ruled it out, but girl to girl aggression is fierce and covert. She may not be able to verbalize the abuse because it can be very subtle.
In a different direction: A couple of people in my extended family have Asperger's, it is a condition on the autism spectrum. You would not know it to look at them, or hear them speak.
They are amazingly intelligent, yet not so gifted socially, to the point where they have little to no friends. This has caused some anxiety at times.
I know how hard it can be when your children are struggling and you have no answers. Hugs again.
Good luck - I hope you find some answers soon.

My son is borderline asbergers, I know the symptoms. She's not anywhere near to the autism spectrum. Thank God. One child is enough.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It could be many things, but as you have asked, I have a couple of questions, and perhaps an idea. You say she has always been introverted, but you also ask if this seemingly social problem could develop in someone who never had it before? This seems to contradict, though I suspect it is more a worried parent trying to find an answer to a problem which effects their child and their future, so please don't be offended. Another question I have is if there are new behaviours never seen before developing, or pre-existing ones becoming worse. And is there a tendency to get angry when placed in situations which challenge her difficulties, or is it random?

Now to ideas and perhaps advice. I would definately seek professional help from either a psychologist, maybe more a psychiatrist to begin with, not so much counsellors at this point. What you describe, though limited, sounds very much like my son who has been in recent years finally diagnosed with Asperger's. From birth he would retreat from socialising, unless he clicked automatically with someone and became friends. Even then, it was not unusual for him to politely send them home when he had had enough together time on play visits...and as an adult he just quietly leaves the room and goes back to his room. He also spent (and still does) most of his time in his room, only emerging when absolutely necessary. He also retreated to home schooling, but it didn't work as his conditon was undiagnosed at the time and concentration became impossible despite his being assessed with genius IQ as a child. Other issues which arose, and still do at times, were anger and also panic attacks.

It was hell as a parent as I knew something was seriously wrong, but even when we went for professional help, they immediatley became obsessed with his intelligence and didn't bother trying to discover why his social problems were increasing. In Oz, they even put him on permanent invalid pension without knowing what was wrong, just that there was obviously something majorly wrong. As is typical with a lot of people with Asperger's, medication did not work on him. Standing by while he had ingrown toenails removed, while he tried to convince doctors he could feel everything was also hell....until we found a Chinese doctor who listened and believed him and gave him muscle relaxants and massaged them in before giving him 2-3 times the normal injections to block the pain...even then he could feel a little, but was no longer in screaming pain.

Above all this though, he has remained reclusive. This possibly could have been better if he had been diagnosed as a child instead of an adult. He does not like communicating with most people and avoids it like the plague. I hope this is not your daughters problem, but it might be worth investigating just to make sure as what you describe does resemble Asperger's a lot.

Catalina

 

[neci]

This evening I was putting kids to bed, and dealing with the weekly Sunday tears I get from my oldest about going to school this week. She wants me to home school her. I was talking to her, again, and trying to figure out why she doesn't want to go to school. She says her teacher is obnoxious, and my feeling is you eventually have to learn to deal with obnoxious people.

Anyway, she's in tears. Again. And I'm really thinking the teacher isn't the problem. (I've asked, in vague terms, and I'm pretty sure she's not being bullyed or molested. Just fyi.) To be honest, she's not a social person, and this has become more and more self evident the older she gets. I am social, but I try to respect that not everyone is, so I let her spend time in her room and the like. But i was pressing, and she told me she feels like she's 'being followed' and that 'someone' is staring at her. She says she just likes to stay in her room unless she's with people she knows (like her best friend).

It occurred to me that maybe this is more than her just being an introvert and somewhat shy. Maybe this is social anxiety, and developing into a full blown phobia. K and I talked, and we'll be making her an appointment with her primary and probably a counselor, to see what they think.

But, in the mean time, for those of you here who have social anxiety/phobias - I'm curious. When did you start noticing a full blown anxiety and then a phobia? What were the signs for you? What do you think, am I being paranoid?

to be perfectly honest, she sounds like a pretty normal kiddo to me. if she's hitting puberty, her hormones will be going wacko, she's prone to be more sensitive, and if she is introverted, she will probably withdraw as a natural defense. people that are extroverted recharge their battery by being around others. introverts need quiet and solitude in order to recharge their batteries. if she is prone to being a perfectionist, school can be hard. add the stress of being around other people all day long, and it can be draining. not to worry, it's completely normal. i would make sure she has some time when she gets home to be able to recharge by herself. let her listen to music, relax, and have some down time, before she has to deal with family craziness. if you notice her getting stressed, the best thing is space. i can get panicky if i'm stressed, and people keep asking me what's wrong. i need physical space and quiet to cool down and collect myself. you may want to sit down with her and figure out have her verbalize what things help her relax. make it special mom/daughter time. let her know that you support her, and you want to be there for her. let her come up with the ideas. praise her for being a unique and special person.

Thanks y'all.

My daughter goes to a very small school, and is actually pretty popular. There are only six other girls in her grade, and I know them all. They're all friends, so when she says she's not being bullyed, I believe her. Beyond that, she's not one to put up with it - we had some issues with bullies at the apartment complex we used to live in, and she punched the bitch. That girl never bugged her again.

As for sexual abuse, it's always possible, but I'm not sure when it would be happening, which is why I believe her there, too. I'm a SAHM and I"m pretty careful about where they are and with whom. Quite frankly, she's never alone with anyone. She is not allowed to spend the night at anyone's house unless I know them, and she really doesn't spend the night at people's houses anyway. She's not being tutored, or hanging out with anyone after class (I pick them up when schools over and they spend the rest of the day with me). Because of the size of the school, and the fact that everything is very routine, she's never alone with any of the teachers, let alone her teacher.

As for the social anxiety, I know the actual symptoms, what I was asking is if it's possible that it could develop in a child who never had it before. It seems to me that her introversion is getting worse, but it could be just puberty making her more self conscious. Either way, we already plan on taking her to a counselor and getting their POV on the situation.

it sounds like you have some wonderful resources. have you talked to her teacher about how she interacts with all of the kids in her class? does her teacher worry about her being socially anxious or is this more of a late night, "mommy, i want to be home with you," thing?

I see that. lol What you put, actually makes me more concerned that she's developing social anxiety. She's, also, one of those people who's a perfectionist and gets upset about offhand comments that weren't meant to bother her. When she was in 1st grade one of the girls in her class remarked she was kind of slow on a paper she was working on, and she was in tears over it. It's very easy for one of the other children to accidentally say something, but compliments bother her, too, cause then she thinks everyone is staring at her. (Someone complimented her voice once and now she won't sing where anyone can hear her. She just mouths the words to keep the music teacher off her butt.)

good luck, gracie. getting the advice of a counselor sounds like a good idea. follow your gut feeling on this one. just remember, if she is on the edge of the teenage years, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

 

[Netzach]

Anxiety also rides on depression. Does she express the feeling of being bored at all? Depressed kids will state the restlessness as boredom, I know I did. Just another thought to throw in there.

 

[Vixandra]

There was a large chunk of time that I simply loathed school. I don't make friends easily and don't like new people, even now. Its an act of will to go associate with strangers and can cause me a lot anxiety.

It does sound like your daughter is having anxiety and depression issues. Some of it could be caused, in part, by hormones. But whatever the origin, the feelings are real. She does need professional help. If its a chemical imbalance causing her anxieties, not much will fix it outside professional intervention. If its emotional causes, then she'll need a therapist of some flavor.

Does she interact with kids outside school? Does she have friends outside her age bracket?

 

[Etoile]

Getting anxiety diagnosed is essential. I have had anxiety disorder e ssentially my whole life, but it wasn't diagnosed until I was nearly 20. My life is so much better now. All the best to your daughter.

 

[rinka]

This evening I was putting kids to bed, and dealing with the weekly Sunday tears I get from my oldest about going to school this week. She wants me to home school her. I was talking to her, again, and trying to figure out why she doesn't want to go to school. She says her teacher is obnoxious, and my feeling is you eventually have to learn to deal with obnoxious people.

Anyway, she's in tears. Again. And I'm really thinking the teacher isn't the problem. (I've asked, in vague terms, and I'm pretty sure she's not being bullyed or molested. Just fyi.) To be honest, she's not a social person, and this has become more and more self evident the older she gets. I am social, but I try to respect that not everyone is, so I let her spend time in her room and the like. But i was pressing, and she told me she feels like she's 'being followed' and that 'someone' is staring at her. She says she just likes to stay in her room unless she's with people she knows (like her best friend).

It occurred to me that maybe this is more than her just being an introvert and somewhat shy. Maybe this is social anxiety, and developing into a full blown phobia. K and I talked, and we'll be making her an appointment with her primary and probably a counselor, to see what they think.

But, in the mean time, for those of you here who have social anxiety/phobias - I'm curious. When did you start noticing a full blown anxiety and then a phobia? What were the signs for you? What do you think, am I being paranoid?

If she expresses that her problem is mainly with school and her teacher it's likely it is. How much have you talked to her teacher about this? She may be more sensitive and introvert than most other kids, and she is at a really sensitive age. Maybe she feels that her teacher has embarrassed her infront of the class or made comments that make her feel tense and selfconscious.

If her teacher in all well meaning communicates in a manner that rubs your daughter the wrong way and makes her feel unsafe it's no wonder she thinks she's obnoxious.

I see that. lol What you put, actually makes me more concerned that she's developing social anxiety. She's, also, one of those people who's a perfectionist and gets upset about offhand comments that weren't meant to bother her. When she was in 1st grade one of the girls in her class remarked she was kind of slow on a paper she was working on, and she was in tears over it. It's very easy for one of the other children to accidentally say something, but compliments bother her, too, cause then she thinks everyone is staring at her. (Someone complimented her voice once and now she won't sing where anyone can hear her. She just mouths the words to keep the music teacher off her butt.)

Whether it's social anxiety or not, if the problem is in school try working with them. Make sure the teacher knows about these things and give her some pointers on how to make your daughter more comfortable. Try to get your daughter to specify what it is the teacher does that bothers her and see if you can meddle in some way.

It sounds like she's in a good school environment otherwise and she has friends. Help her focus on that and how you can help her change the things that bother her in the situation.

And they change all the time. It might just be a phase, of course based on her personality, but it could get better pretty quickly.

 

[SimonBrooke]

This evening I was putting kids to bed, and dealing with the weekly Sunday tears I get from my oldest about going to school this week. She wants me to home school her. I was talking to her, again, and trying to figure out why she doesn't want to go to school. She says her teacher is obnoxious, and my feeling is you eventually have to learn to deal with obnoxious people.

This isn't what you want to hear, I know, but pressure at school - which was not severe bullying, by the usual standards - had me to a severe nervous breakdown at age eight, and in mental hospital by age fifteen. If she really doesn't want to go, listen to her, understand why not, and seriously consider not sending her.

Worse things can happen to a kid than not having a conventional schooling.

 

[graceanne]

It could be many things, but as you have asked, I have a couple of questions, and perhaps an idea. You say she has always been introverted, but you also ask if this seemingly social problem could develop in someone who never had it before? This seems to contradict, though I suspect it is more a worried parent trying to find an answer to a problem which effects their child and their future, so please don't be offended. Another question I have is if there are new behaviours never seen before developing, or pre-existing ones becoming worse. And is there a tendency to get angry when placed in situations which challenge her difficulties, or is it random?

I don't mind, I asked questions because I'm trying to work this out, and all ideas are welcome. I haven't noticed any new behaviors, just her old behavior become bigger, is how I'd best put it. She's definitely bitchier than all get out, but I figure that's a puberty thing and I'm not really concerned about it. She did start her period this summer, after all.

Now to ideas and perhaps advice. I would definately seek professional help from either a psychologist, maybe more a psychiatrist to begin with, not so much counsellors at this point. What you describe, though limited, sounds very much like my son who has been in recent years finally diagnosed with Asperger's. From birth he would retreat from socialising, unless he clicked automatically with someone and became friends. Even then, it was not unusual for him to politely send them home when he had had enough together time on play visits...and as an adult he just quietly leaves the room and goes back to his room. He also spent (and still does) most of his time in his room, only emerging when absolutely necessary. He also retreated to home schooling, but it didn't work as his conditon was undiagnosed at the time and concentration became impossible despite his being assessed with genius IQ as a child. Other issues which arose, and still do at times, were anger and also panic attacks.

I'm not closed to the idea, but I am going to be VERY VERY surprised if she's asbergers. The only symptom she'd have of asbergers would be her shyness. She gets along with other children, she doesn't have any 'weird' behaviors, she's a straight 'a' student, she's been best friends with the same person since she was 1, etc.

It was hell as a parent as I knew something was seriously wrong, but even when we went for professional help, they immediatley became obsessed with his intelligence and didn't bother trying to discover why his social problems were increasing. In Oz, they even put him on permanent invalid pension without knowing what was wrong, just that there was obviously something majorly wrong. As is typical with a lot of people with Asperger's, medication did not work on him. Standing by while he had ingrown toenails removed, while he tried to convince doctors he could feel everything was also hell....until we found a Chinese doctor who listened and believed him and gave him muscle relaxants and massaged them in before giving him 2-3 times the normal injections to block the pain...even then he could feel a little, but was no longer in screaming pain.

Above all this though, he has remained reclusive. This possibly could have been better if he had been diagnosed as a child instead of an adult. He does not like communicating with most people and avoids it like the plague. I hope this is not your daughters problem, but it might be worth investigating just to make sure as what you describe does resemble Asperger's a lot.

Catalina

On a seperate note, I hear you. D was diagnosed 'borderline' asbergers recently, and is severely ADHD. I get a lot of people trying to tell me he's fine, it's in my head, and if I was just a good parent and spanked him more he'd be fine. My response, normally, to the last one is the one fingered salute.

to be perfectly honest, she sounds like a pretty normal kiddo to me. if she's hitting puberty, her hormones will be going wacko, she's prone to be more sensitive, and if she is introverted, she will probably withdraw as a natural defense. people that are extroverted recharge their battery by being around others. introverts need quiet and solitude in order to recharge their batteries. if she is prone to being a perfectionist, school can be hard. add the stress of being around other people all day long, and it can be draining. not to worry, it's completely normal. i would make sure she has some time when she gets home to be able to recharge by herself. let her listen to music, relax, and have some down time, before she has to deal with family craziness. if you notice her getting stressed, the best thing is space. i can get panicky if i'm stressed, and people keep asking me what's wrong. i need physical space and quiet to cool down and collect myself. you may want to sit down with her and figure out have her verbalize what things help her relax. make it special mom/daughter time. let her know that you support her, and you want to be there for her. let her come up with the ideas. praise her for being a unique and special person.

She has her own room, and I normally allow her to be there whenever she wants to. I try to be sensitive to her introversion, and all that. She normally goes straight there when she gets home, and stays there until dinner. I figure that that's a normal teenager thing, and allow it. Honestly, with her PMS she's quite welcome (on some days) to stay in there.

it sounds like you have some wonderful resources. have you talked to her teacher about how she interacts with all of the kids in her class? does her teacher worry about her being socially anxious or is this more of a late night, "mommy, i want to be home with you," thing?

Not yet. He's a new teacher, and doesn't know her really well. He has remarked on her shyness, and the problems he has getting her to participate in group situations, but this is not an uncommon remark from teachers.

good luck, gracie. getting the advice of a counselor sounds like a good idea. follow your gut feeling on this one. just remember, if she is on the edge of the teenage years, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Oh, I know. I've got an appointment with a psychologist on Friday, just to be sure. I don't want to overlook something big, and excuse it as 'normal teenage angst'. Everyone did that to me, and I was trying to slit my wrists.

There was a large chunk of time that I simply loathed school. I don't make friends easily and don't like new people, even now. Its an act of will to go associate with strangers and can cause me a lot anxiety.

It does sound like your daughter is having anxiety and depression issues. Some of it could be caused, in part, by hormones. But whatever the origin, the feelings are real. She does need professional help. If its a chemical imbalance causing her anxieties, not much will fix it outside professional intervention. If its emotional causes, then she'll need a therapist of some flavor.

Does she interact with kids outside school? Does she have friends outside her age bracket?

Yes, we have 12 year old twins who live down the street. The only reason she made friends with them, though, is cause my heartchild (who is also her best friend) is very extroverted, and drags her with her. Even then cocoapop (my heart child) was hanging out with them for a week or two before A did. At the end of the month I'm putting her in some dance classes - I'm hoping it'll help her with any self esteem issues that are bound to crop up this time of her life.

If she expresses that her problem is mainly with school and her teacher it's likely it is. How much have you talked to her teacher about this? She may be more sensitive and introvert than most other kids, and she is at a really sensitive age. Maybe she feels that her teacher has embarrassed her infront of the class or made comments that make her feel tense and selfconscious.

She hasn't complained to me about the teacher doing anything to her, but he kids the other kids and it bothers her. I've talked to the other parents, who've talked to the other kids, and that's all it is - kidding. He says they're being lazy, and they stick their tongue out at him and call him an old man. He laughs, ruffles there hair, and moves on.

If her teacher in all well meaning communicates in a manner that rubs your daughter the wrong way and makes her feel unsafe it's no wonder she thinks she's obnoxious.

As a rule, I feel that if the kids think they're always going to like the people in authority over there, they're in for a huge surprise. My long term goal is to raise them to be self sufficient and content. This is not the first teacher she hasn't liked, it is the first year ever where she's in tears about going to school. I'm mostly wanting to be sure it's not just a matter of not liking a teacher; if this is something possibly clinical then no amount of telling her to grow a turtle shell and figure out a way to work with her teacher is going to help. I want her to continue to grow, but not to the point that I'm going to throw insurmountable challenges at her. If I need to break this challenge down so it's do-able I will, or we'll figure a way around it.

Whether it's social anxiety or not, if the problem is in school try working with them. Make sure the teacher knows about these things and give her some pointers on how to make your daughter more comfortable. Try to get your daughter to specify what it is the teacher does that bothers her and see if you can meddle in some way.

It sounds like she's in a good school environment otherwise and she has friends. Help her focus on that and how you can help her change the things that bother her in the situation.

And they change all the time. It might just be a phase, of course based on her personality, but it could get better pretty quickly.

This isn't what you want to hear, I know, but pressure at school - which was not severe bullying, by the usual standards - had me to a severe nervous breakdown at age eight, and in mental hospital by age fifteen. If she really doesn't want to go, listen to her, understand why not, and seriously consider not sending her.

Worse things can happen to a kid than not having a conventional schooling.

Actually, if we can't work things out I'm going to pull her out at the end of this semester and enroll her in an online school. She knows this, because we've talked about it. I want her to try her hardest in the situation she's in, for now. I'm also going to do what I can to help her deal with this challenge.

 

[BiBunny]

Two things.

1.) Every flippin' case of anxiety is not from abuse or bullying. Some people just have a more sensitive disposition than others and feel things more deeply than most, and when things differ from the ideal world they have in their heads, it can manifest as anxiety.

2.) Gracie, if her teacher is making comments about her being shy in front of her, I can pretty much guarantee you that's making it worse. He's probably not doing it maliciously; most people just don't know better. But you might want to have a private chat with him about it. He should treat her like she's no different from any other child, neither going out of his way to make comments about her being shy nor going out of his way to make comments about how great she is when she comes out of her shell a little. Both things can be incredibly humiliating to people with sensitive temperaments, and they can play it over and over in their heads, analyzing it to death until they decide they're damned if they do and damned if they don't.

 

[graceanne]

Two things.

1.) Every flippin' case of anxiety is not from abuse or bullying. Some people just have a more sensitive disposition than others and feel things more deeply than most, and when things differ from the ideal world they have in their heads, it can manifest as anxiety.

I know. Social anxiety is sometimes just a hormonal imbalance in the brain.

2.) Gracie, if her teacher is making comments about her being shy in front of her, I can pretty much guarantee you that's making it worse. He's probably not doing it maliciously; most people just don't know better. But you might want to have a private chat with him about it. He should treat her like she's no different from any other child, neither going out of his way to make comments about her being shy nor going out of his way to make comments about how great she is when she comes out of her shell a little. Both things can be incredibly humiliating to people with sensitive temperaments, and they can play it over and over in their heads, analyzing it to death until they decide they're damned if they do and damned if they don't.

He didn't. I had a parent/teacher conference with my 9 year olds teacher, and went around to just touch base with A's teacher and D's teacher. A was outside looking impossibly bored and cool, and the conversation was brief. He said she's doing okay, she's a bit shy, but her school work is fine and he enjoys having her in his class.

Last year the conversation came up after state testing, cause she kicked ass. Her teacher was kidding her and said 'wow, you obviously know the answers. you need to raise your hand more often when i ask questions!' and A said 'yeah . . .' and rolled her eyes.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not closed to the idea, but I am going to be VERY VERY surprised if she's asbergers. The only symptom she'd have of asbergers would be her shyness. She gets along with other children, she doesn't have any 'weird' behaviors, she's a straight 'a' student, she's been best friends with the same person since she was 1, etc.

It is difficult, as what I have been told makes diagnosing Asperger's difficult is that no 2 cases are the same. They may only share 1 similar characteristic to another person, hence so many find it at times difficult to accept it is a real condition. My son was always top of the class in primary school, to the point in 3rd year, the teacher decided to test him with advanced maths and found he could succeed at advanced high school level maths at that age. He also liked to keep a friend instead of try to make another.

On a seperate note, I hear you. D was diagnosed 'borderline' asbergers recently, and is severely ADHD. I get a lot of people trying to tell me he's fine, it's in my head, and if I was just a good parent and spanked him more he'd be fine. My response, normally, to the last one is the one fingered salute.

Yep, people often think they are helping to suggest your child doesn't really have anything wrong with them. It is very frustrating when as a parent you are trying your best to cope and do the best for your child, and they decide to roadblock your efforts with ill informed opinions, judgement and advice.

Not yet. He's a new teacher, and doesn't know her really well. He has remarked on her shyness, and the problems he has getting her to participate in group situations, but this is not an uncommon remark from teachers.

This can be a sign of Asperger's (or shyness) as most find it difficult to handle large groups of people and prefer one on one, or a couple of people at most. Unfortunately, in our situation while this is usually the situation, there are instances where he can push beyond it and cope with a crowd, but it is rare and not his preferred situation. I hope you get somewhere soon as it does tend to wear one down emotionally, psychologially and physically when trying to make sense of everything.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Actually, if we can't work things out I'm going to pull her out at the end of this semester and enroll her in an online school. She knows this, because we've talked about it. I want her to try her hardest in the situation she's in, for now. I'm also going to do what I can to help her deal with this challenge.

An online high school? Will she get a diploma or a GED? Would this affect her college admissions? She's doing well academically, right? I would just make sure her chances for college remain the same. Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing by having her see someone. I would definitely go with someone who is a real specialist in diagnosing kids so that nothing is overlooked.

 

[graceanne]

An online high school? Will she get a diploma or a GED? Would this affect her college admissions? She's doing well academically, right? I would just make sure her chances for college remain the same. Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing by having her see someone. I would definitely go with someone who is a real specialist in diagnosing kids so that nothing is overlooked.

Actually, this program rocks for many many reasons. A) It's a charter school. B) She'd get her highschool diploma and C) It's also a credited online college, so if she starts being ready for college classes before she's of college age she could start taking them at that point, and be getting college credits.

A is VERY smart. I've been told, many times, that if she didn't miss so much school she probably would have skipped a grade. She's also a natural student, she learns the way that the school teaches, which is just as important as being smart. She's starting six grade learning algebra. She's got a 9th grade reading level (she read one of the harry potter books in 4th grade by herself). At the rate she learns, if I'm careful, she could easily graduate high school with college credits. It's the main reason I had already looked into online schools; I'm concerned about putting her in a regular public school when she's already further advanced than the other kids her age. I do not want her to be bored.

The dr she's seeing, on friday, is a specialist in teen and pre-teens and in anxiety disorders specifically. We get 11 'free' visit (the military is covering the cost). After that, we'll see. If she needs more than that, we'll come up with the money for it.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Good luck with it all grace.

 

[intothewoods]

Actually, this program rocks for many many reasons. A) It's a charter school. B) She'd get her highschool diploma and C) It's also a credited online college, so if she starts being ready for college classes before she's of college age she could start taking them at that point, and be getting college credits.

A is VERY smart. I've been told, many times, that if she didn't miss so much school she probably would have skipped a grade. She's also a natural student, she learns the way that the school teaches, which is just as important as being smart. She's starting six grade learning algebra. She's got a 9th grade reading level (she read one of the harry potter books in 4th grade by herself). At the rate she learns, if I'm careful, she could easily graduate high school with college credits. It's the main reason I had already looked into online schools; I'm concerned about putting her in a regular public school when she's already further advanced than the other kids her age. I do not want her to be bored.

The dr she's seeing, on friday, is a specialist in teen and pre-teens and in anxiety disorders specifically. We get 11 'free' visit (the military is covering the cost). After that, we'll see. If she needs more than that, we'll come up with the money for it.

The question for me would be how do good colleges look at grades from the online school. If she tests high on her SATs, of course, it may not matter as much.