Question..shortened version or longer version please?

[echoes_s]

Yours

on my knees bared, naked,
legs spread,
head bowed
open for you to see,
vulnerable to your will
I surrender to you.

my tongue tracing slowly your calf
upwards,
I inhale you,
paying homage to your essence,
at your demand,
complete.

You ensnare me with your look, breath,
bind me with your kiss, touch
the ultimate bondage
commanding more
with the physical,
tying me helpless.

Leaving me quivering
teasing me, I beg...
touch me please,
take me
as only you can,
as only you have.

OR...


Yours

on my knees bared, naked,
legs spread,
head bowed
open for you to see,
vulnerable to your will
I surrender to you.

my tongue tracing slowly your calf
upwards,
I inhale you,
paying homage to your essence,
at your demand,
complete.

 

[Angeline]

May I be totally not helpful and say I like them both? They're both very well written, imo.

 

[The_Fool]

Personally, I like this:


my tongue tracing slowly your calf
upwards,
I inhale you,
paying homage to your essence,
at your demand,
complete.

You ensnare me with your look, breath,
bind me with your kiss, touch
the ultimate bondage
commanding more
with the physical,
tying me helpless.

Leaving me quivering
teasing me, I beg...
touch me please,
take me
as only you can,
as only you have.

or this:


my tongue tracing slowly your calf
upwards,
I inhale you,
paying homage to your essence,
at your demand,
complete.

You ensnare me with your look, breath,
bind me with your kiss, touch
the ultimate bondage
commanding more
with the physical,
tying me helpless.


The first stanza is obvious. Leaving it out, you still come across with the same message, only a little more subtle. Same with the last stanza.

Difficult aren't I?

Fool

 

[echoes_s]

LOL!

Thank you both Angeline and The Fool!
Yes, the first stanza is a bit crude, I am still new at opening up and becoming comfortable writing intimately...thus finding my way and honing it to a softer more alluring tone.
I llike it so much more the first way you rewrote it Fool.