Question on giving presents

[PennLady]

So I'm going to be invited to a cousin's high school graduation party. This is a first cousin that is less than half my age (ack!) and that I am not close to (in large part b/c of the age difference, of course) and don't see much, although he's a nice kid.

Should I give him a present? I'm leaning towards no, although I don't mean to be a Scrooge. For one thing, my first cousins and I -- and there are 19 of us, ranging in age from 12 to 42 -- have never exchanged gifts among each other. Not for birthdays or Christmas or graduations and in truth, I'm not sure we should start now. I also don't know what to give him and I couldn't afford much.

But I know I will get maternal pressure on this (Mom and Dad will definitely give, as the graduate is their godson, and well, the aunts and uncles always give presents on such occasions). My mom is very conscious of how such things look and holds to the idea that there are certain minimums -- like you can't spend less than $50 on a wedding present, no matter if you know the couple well or not. I don't buy that. I think you give what you can afford, when you can and if you want to.

Any opinions? There's no bad blood between me and my cousin or anything like that. So I have nothing against giving him a gift, really, except for family history to this point. And not being able to afford much.

 

[sr71plt]

Haven't you already established the precedence? Gifts aren't exchanged.

That said, if you go to the party, I think you should take a gift. If you receive an invitation--or announcement--I think you should send a card.

But that's just my opinion.

 

[3113]

Any opinions? There's no bad blood between me and my cousin or anything like that. So I have nothing against giving him a gift, really, except for family history to this point. And not being able to afford much.

I think you can have your cake and eat it too, with a token gesture. Give the kid something like an iTunes card or any other type of "card" that gives them free "stuff" of their choice. Just don't put too much on that card ($20 on iTunes gets you 20 songs, not bad! The kid can also buy apps with it--games he might wan tot play on his phone and such--if he has an iPhone or iPod touch).

And being that it is one of those gift cards, you can slip it into a nice "Happy Graduation" card in a nice envelope. Then you can tell your mom that you *did* get him a gift. But you didn't have spend much, nor shop around for an actual "thing" that the kid couldn't use, or wouldn't use, or wouldn't like, etc.

It's a little something to say "congrats!" to the kid. It shouldn't cost you much, and it doesn't have to be ultra special or memorable--just something that pats them on the back and says "well done." Because he's family and this is an occasion, and you should find a way to say that, however simply (and cheaply ).

 

[PennLady]

Haven't you already established the precedence? Gifts aren't exchanged.

That said, if you go to the party, I think you should take a gift. If you receive an invitation--or announcement--I think you should send a card.

But that's just my opinion.

True, up until now this is how it's been. And we will be going to the party in part because my brother will be there, and I haven't seen him since... wow, it's been over a year, I guess. He's in the AF and was deployed over last Christmas so I haven't seen him since possibly the Christmas before that.

So I'm going to get an invitation and I'm going to go to the party, so I guess I should bring a gift. Which means (I think) bringing another gift for another graduate as another cousin is graduating and I believe this is a joint party for them. Then I have three or four more cousins graduating in the next few years.

I don't know. I think partly I'm just feeling the money pinch and resent feeling like I'm constantly buying cards and gifts for people, especially people I rarely see or talk to. And while yes I could give an iTunes card (and I guess I would do something like that), I wish I could think of something more practical for college if I'm going to give something. Amazon card I guess is a good alternative.

 

[sr71plt]

Have cake and eat it too? A $20 gift card is a gift, isn't it?

 

[soflabbwlvr]

This is a situation where regional customs would apply. Where I come from, graduation celebrations are a big deal and it is considered proper (mandatory) to give a card with a check--the amount of which is dependent upon your closeness to the graduate and your personal financial circumstances.

That being said, protocols are different where I live now. Here, graduation parties are almost non-existent and gift giving is for close friends and family, only. If you have been out of the loop, then you should consult some of your local friends and get an idea of what is considered polite in your area.

 

[estragon]

SA Penn lady, if you're getting lunch and a beer, it's only fair to give the graduate something. After all, if you went to a deli and bought a sandwich and a longneck, it would cost you something.

 

[PennLady]

This is a situation where regional customs would apply. Where I come from, graduation celebrations are a big deal and it is considered proper (mandatory) to give a card with a check--the amount of which is dependent upon your closeness to the graduate and your personal financial circumstances.

I don't think we can afford more than $25, and like I said, it will have to be two $25 gifts as I think it's a joint party for Cousin A and Cousin B. I'm not saying it's not a big deal -- I had a grad party as well for high school. This has nothing to do with region, just family; although the family is all in the same region. And as I said, I am not close to either cousin for many reasons -- age, mostly. I was in college when these kids were born and lived a few hours away while they were growing up.

SA Penn lady, if you're getting lunch and a beer, it's only fair to give the graduate something. After all, if you went to a deli and bought a sandwich and a longneck, it would cost you something.

Well, the graduate isn't paying for the party, his parents are. And I have a serious problem with that kind of quid pro quo. I don't think you should expect your guests to somehow subsidize your party whether it's wedding, birthday, whatever. If you're going to do that, you might as well just charge admission.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a curmudgeon, but I don't like feeling obligated to give gifts to people I hardly see and don't know well. I guess I should ask any other adult cousins who are attending if they are giving.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Keep in mind that, being that much older than your cousin, you are probably thought of as more of an aunt than a cousin. I agree with what the pilot said about going to the party or not going.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Give him a set of your books.

 

[PennLady]

Keep in mind that, being that much older than your cousin, you are probably thought of as more of an aunt than a cousin. I agree with what the pilot said about going to the party or not going.

No, I'm not thought of as an aunt. I'm probably not thought of much at all, and I don't mean that in a bad way. For better or worse, all of us cousins are not close. A couple of cousins are close(r) to each other, among the younger ones, but that's about it.

I am going to the party because my brother, who I have not seen in over a year, will be there, although I had planned on going even before I knew that. So I guess I will get gifts.

Yes, it bugs me, perhaps disproportionately so and I wish I knew exactly why. I mean, I can list reasons, but I'm not sure those are all the reasons.

 

[3113]

Have cake and eat it too? A $20 gift card is a gift, isn't it?

I meant, give a gift, yet not spend too much AND not seem like one is giving a gift, meaning the awkwardness of bringing some beribboned package to a party where other may not have brought packages--which makes you feel weird and others feel guilty.

My feeling from reading Penn's question was that she wanted to avoid the price of a gift, but also the guilt of not giving a gift--also the trap of not bringing a gift if others did, or bringing one if others did not. I felt that the card (Amazon or iTunes or whatever), nicely tucked away in an envelope, would give her a way to have it both ways--inexpensive, hidden gift.

Thus, have her cake and eat it, too. If, however, her dilemma is that she doesn't want to give a gift, period, then I think she shouldn't give a gift. Period. My solution was only viable if her dilemma was that she kinda-sorta-didn't want to give a gift, but would if it wasn't expensive because she also felt the obligation. Yes?

 

[3113]

What Gift Giving is Really About

Well, the graduate isn't paying for the party, his parents are. And I have a serious problem with that kind of quid pro quo. I don't think you should expect your guests to somehow subsidize your party whether it's wedding, birthday, whatever. If you're going to do that, you might as well just charge admission.

Agree completely. No guest should ever feel obligated to bring a gift. If you're invited to a wedding or whatever, you're invited to celebrate something, not invited to subsidize the party or so that the person being honored by the party can get loot.

That said, gifts are given at such parties not as thanks for the party, but as a way of saying to the person being honored that you're happy for them, proud, etc. Such parties are about milestones, about finishing one stage of a life and moving into the next. Gifts are the guest's way of saying, "Here's something for that next stage." It's a way of wishing the person well on the next step of their journey.

Which doesn't mean they deserve it, or you deserve any guilt for not giving it to them. That's up to you. But I think gift giving gets seen too much as quid pro quo and this, what it's really about, gets lost. We should remember what the gift giving is really about before we give any advice on which way to go on such a thing (IMHO).

 

[Cruel2BKind]

As someone who recently had their grad party, I am aware of how uncomfortably money-grubbing it is. Parents pay for the party, and invite everybody and anybody in the hopes that you can guilt them into dropping twenty bucks into the basket not-so-subtley placed by the door.

It turned into a quiet tug-of-war between me and my parents. I didn't want to invite people I didn't know, and they didn't feel like it was a problem.

The compromise was that my dad invited people I barely knew, but only the rich ones.

Seriously, we aren't poor or anything, but somehow every one of my dad's college friends ended up living in fucking mansions. Swimming pools, golf-courses, five-floor houses, housekeepers.

I honestly don't feel bad about him inviting his college friends (that somehow all turned into dentists) that I barely knew. Half of them dropped fifty bucks or more in the basket.

I felt worse about my uncles and aunts who live paycheck to paycheck but felt obligated.

 

[PennLady]

Agree completely. No guest should ever feel obligated to bring a gift. If you're invited to a wedding or whatever, you're invited to celebrate something, not invited to subsidize the party or so that the person being honored by the party can get loot.

I read a lot of advice columns and if you don't, you might be surprised at the number of people who write in -- mostly about weddings -- wondering or complaining about guests who didn't give enough to make up for the cost of having them. I find that appalling.

However, I have a more micro issue of my mom. I think if I don't give something, I will continue to hear about it from her and/or get those disapproving looks, etc., that moms are so good at. She will think I goofed and she will likely worry that other members of the family will hold it against me.

That said, gifts are given at such parties not as thanks for the party, but as a way of saying to the person being honored that you're happy for them, proud, etc. Such parties are about milestones, about finishing one stage of a life and moving into the next. Gifts are the guest's way of saying, "Here's something for that next stage." It's a way of wishing the person well on the next step of their journey.

This is true, and I do agree. And I am pleased for my cousins and wish them well. I think a lot of my feelings, too, are that this is coming at a bad time. In that classic way, once we had cleared off credit cards, we barely had a month to enjoy it before I got socked with an unexpected dental bill of nearly $1000 which was followed soon after by the car insurance bill (also close to $1000), and things like that. I know, it happens to everyone, and it's not my cousins' fault, but finding that $50 for two presents can be tough.

As someone who recently had their grad party, I am aware of how uncomfortably money-grubbing it is. Parents pay for the party, and invite everybody and anybody in the hopes that you can guilt them into dropping twenty bucks into the basket not-so-subtley placed by the door.

See, now that amazes me. My party was nothing like that, and my mom never (I do have a dad, he's just not a detail guy on parties ) would think to do anything like put a basket by the door. Ugh. And the only people invited to mine were family and a few of my college friends.

 

[Emily124]

So I'm going to be invited to a cousin's high school graduation party... Should I give him a present?

Hello PennLady.
I consulted my dusty copy of Emily Post's Etiquette, but that bitch was no help!
In general, I think there are unspoken (and unwritten, apparently) rules when you accept an invitation to anything. You pretty much always have to bring something, even if it's just a dinner party (wine, flowers) or a poker game (tequila, cupcakes). I think you're going to have to get the kid something, or offer to chip in with another partygoer (perhaps your parents who probably already have something, or one of your other cousins). If you can get your signature on a card that's attached to a present, you're golden.
It might help to know your cousin's interests and what he wants to study in college (if he's going, I can't remember if you said). You might want to call someone close to this kid and do a little reconnaissance. As a last resort, cash works, and honestly, when I graduated from high school, that was my favorite gift to receive.
Good luck and have fun!

 

[Cruel2BKind]

Well, we learned from our friends and relatives and my dad's filthy-rich college friends. Every party we went to had a basket.

It bugged me when I went to Kyle-the-Dentist (we never say Kyle, it's always Kyle-the-Dentist) kids' grad parties and they had a basket. The guy started his own firm, and lives in a house that makes Wayne Manor look like a trailer home. He has a swimming pool, a yacht, and even a personal plane. I know that the money was for the kids, but if he doesn't have a trust fund for each of them, it's a surprise for me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

These days, I would rather be thought rude and unmannerly than have, yanno-- my electricity cut off for non-payment or something. My gift giving budget is what it is, and no one can tell me it should be higher than that. I don't tell them to up their budgets after all.

It's a tough noogies situation.

Or maybe, you can tell your mom that you have whatever bucks and if she's going to be embarrassed by that she can contribute whatever she thinks is appropriate. And make it clear-- you mean contribute. not "loan" and not "Bitch at me about it for years."

 

[PennLady]

These days, I would rather be thought rude and unmannerly than have, yanno-- my electricity cut off for non-payment or something. My gift giving budget is what it is, and no one can tell me it should be higher than that. I don't tell them to up their budgets after all.

It's a tough noogies situation.

Or maybe, you can tell your mom that you have whatever bucks and if she's going to be embarrassed by that she can contribute whatever she thinks is appropriate. And make it clear-- you mean contribute. not "loan" and not "Bitch at me about it for years."

Well, it's not quite that bad. We aren't that tight, but money is always a concern. There several factors in play for me, in no particular order: 1) we cousins do not/have not exchanged gifts; 2) I hardly ever see my cousins; 3) money is tight; 4) the expense is unexpected, and we have other things we are considering for ourselves for the summer; 5) I hate feeling obligated like this; 6) mom will likely get on my case to some extent; 7) my cousins don't "need" any money I will give them -- both families are pretty well off (and not that "need" is the issue when it comes to gifts).

However, none of those things are my cousins' fault, and I don't want to cause a fuss, so I will discuss with Mr Penn and we will decide what to do. Thanks, everybody, for the thoughts.

 

[bashfullyshameless]

Please remember that all advice ever does is tell you what the adviser would do, but the adviser isn't you and doesn't live in your shoes. That said:

Don't bring a present. As you said, you're not that close; if you were, you'd already have something in mind. The fact that you care enough to show up is enough. Moreover, what's the family dynamic here? Is this grad going to be happy to have a family-adult-heavy party, or is this a bit of an obligation for him/her?

If your graduating cousin is a mature and unselfish sort, he/she will totally understand and not be the least bit phased. If not... well, reminding him/her that not everyone can afford gifts for everyone these days isn't a bad thing at all.

 

[3113]

If your graduating cousin is a mature and unselfish sort, he/she will totally understand and not be the least bit phased.

From what Pennlady said, it's not the cousins or graduating kid that's the issue, it's her mom.

Which means, I think, that we should be offering advice on to Pennlady on how to say to her mother: "Get on my case about this, or I won't be answering your calls." Or something to that extent. Because it seems like if it wasn't for mom, there's be no issue at all. The custom of no-gifts would be followed, and all would have a good time.

So, mom's the fly in the ointment, and she's the one who must be dealt with. Not whether or not a gift need be given, but how to make sure mom keeps out of the decision making, now and forever afterwards. Really, I think Pennlady's anger over all this is completely due to mom who is making this an issue in the first place.

And that's not right. Because the anger is now being aimed at cousins and the graduating kid. Mom is the problem. So take a stand with her. No comments on gifts. Not in this instance, not in any instance, not ever again. Gift giving is the decision of Mr. & Mrs. Penn and that is that.

 

[loquere]

I'm assuming he's going to college in August or September 2012.

If he is, text books are VERY VERY expensive.

Go online and buy an Amazon gift certificate. You can email or print it. It can be as low as $ 25

When he goes to college he'll realise buying books online are cheaper.

So yes I belive it's in bad taste to attend a party empty handed.

 

[sr71plt]

So, mom's the fly in the ointment,

Sorry, I don't think so. I think Penn Lady is the fly in the ointment here. I think the convention remains to mark occasions like extended family graduations and weddings (at least) with a gift of some sort, especially if you've been invited to a party marking it--and are going.

I don't agree with the money basket approach to these things, but that's out on the extreme. The "gift" can be something more "good for you" personal than expensive--even something you've made yourself. Something in the realm of what 3113 said she meant with the "cake and eat it too" approach. If you get an invitation and aren't going, send at least a card (not an e-card) with a nice note--or if you can't afford even a card, take the time to compose a nice, personal letter celebrating the success and send that by e-mail (assuming you treated yourself to having e-mail).

If you go to the party take at least flowers from your garden and work your way up from there to something you can afford--or can make--after all that stuff you bought for yourself and your immediate family. If you can't/won't do that, your extended family isn't close enough to even be going to the party. If you're only going to see someone else and not celebrate what the party is for, arrange to see that person somewhere else. You're going to the party for the wrong reasons--for everyone involved.

Sorry, but I thought propriety would sink in before this without needing to use a hammer.

As a matter of fact, JBJ's suggestion wasn't that far off the wall. You could be really personal and write something appropriate for him--an essay or short story about something in the graduate's life that's inspiring and worth keeping. Surely you can invest at least a little time and your talent in your own extended family. Especially if you're on the outs. Whatever the reason for that probably isn't the graduating kid's fault and it will be a chance to shock the hell out of all the rest with classy, personal-touch goodness.

 

[PennLady]

From what Pennlady said, it's not the cousins or graduating kid that's the issue, it's her mom.

Actually I suppose the issue is me, generally speaking. Let's clear my mom here -- she has her feelings on things and she is not necessarily wrong. I have my feelings, and if it is easier all around to get gifts, and if that's proper etiquette, then that's what I will do.

I admit that if my mom had not brought it up, or I had not asked her, I probably would have gotten a card but not a gift.

I do not at all mean to be aiming any anger at my cousins, because that's not right and there's no reason to. To answer someone else's question, as far as whether my cousins want/like such a party - I would think they do or perhaps are indifferent. My family always or almost always has family parties for milestones like this, and my cousins will have cousins their age -- and a pool -- so I don't think this will be a major hardship for them. I also believe there will be a separate friends party.

And while I realize textbooks are expensive -- they were when I went to college and can only be more so now -- I seriously don't think that will be a problem for either cousin. As I said, both of their families are in good shape financially. But that's not the issue, what they can or can't afford.

 

[colddiesel]

Give nothing - and wallow in the guilt.

But wear something outrageous that everyone can comment on whilst failing to observe your present giving principles.

If you were British I would console you with the observation that worrying over something like this is terribly lower middle class.