Question - For those who are divorced or going through one now

[k¡tty]

How do you deal with it all?
How did you handle the process?

How do you try and be fair when it concerns a child/ren, finances and other matters? Or did you? Did you just hand it over to a lawyer and let them have at it in your place?

Did you have to deal with a bitter, vengeful ex? How on earth did you cope?



I'm at my wits end here... and I'm just mentally and emotionally exhausted from it all.

We separated on May 12th of last year and in less than 2 weeks we have our first hearing. I'm scared as I've never been before.. and my nerves are on edge. I just want it all over.. I want the judge to make her rulings so that I can go on with my life, so my son can continue on with his life.

While my lawyer is confident that the final outcome will be favorable.. I'm not as sure.

From the time of our separation I have gone out of my way to be as fair as possible.. more than most would in my situation.. and naive as it sounds I guess I expected the same in return. But it hasn't happened. He's argued from the biggest 'things' (custody) on down to the smallest. (He recently went to the site of our home and took our son's outdoor toys and refuses to give them to our child)

Every phone call feels like a mini battle, I will only discuss our son with him and anything other than that I tell him that I won't talk about without my lawyer's advice.. but yet he persists on trying to bully me into those discussions. Just sometimes.. I don't know how much more I can deal with.

I'm sorry if this sounds a lot like a whine.. but I'm geniunely curious as to how others have handled this sort of situation.

 

[theGatsby]

I was lucky it is too easy on Florida. I filled out a form on-line with a payment of $165 sent off to a law firm. They process the paperwork, get the proper signatures then I send a check for $171 to the clerk of court and 5 weeks later I'm divorced. It helps a lot that we both wanted it to end soon and there were no kids.

 

[MissTaken]

I did the "fair" thing.

IT worked to a certain degree, but ultimately, I had to put my finger in his face and give him teh ground rules.

Now, your lawyer is not going to make any decisions for you. He or she may recommend you accept or not certain terms and conditions, but the decisions are yours.

Now, you must make these decisions for your son, first.
Soemthing it doesn't sound like your soon-to-be ex is doing.
Then, you. How do you benefit from being fair? How do you and your son benefit from your being kind? IF there is no benefit, fuck him.

Ground rules.

Be concrete and be firm. Examples:

"Yes, I will talk about the little guy with you and nothing else."

"Yes, you can visit when you like as long as you give me sufficient notice. Miss one visit, and the deal is off."

And I did tell him that I would no longer discuss money. He can call his lawyer, his lawyer call mine and mine call me. It is a pain in the ass, but really tests how committed he is to what he thinks he wants.

*hugs* The limbo period is the hardest time. The not knowing where and how everything lands as well as waiting for your life to be able to begin.

*many more hugs*

Let me know if you need to talk.

 

[Nogard]

Take a deep breath. It is never easy. DO NOT let him/her control you. Apparently you have no other choice but to leave it to a lawyer. Might mention to him there is such a thing as a restraning order, I had to do that since my ex kept calling me at work threatening to kill me. helped with getting over it

 

[Guest]

 

[SpiceCake]

Sounds so much like my divorce 9 years ago. My best advice is this: do not stop being who you are and keep your son as your main focus in all things. I'm finally learning to put my hatred aside, but it has been a long process. I wish someone had told me that my hatred would affect my kids, as well as my fears and anxiety. Continue to be as fair as you can. If you have feelings you cna't cope with - talk to a friend or counselor about them.

The hearing can be very scary so here are a few tips. Dress as professionally as you can and still be comfortable. Remember to breathe and stay focused. When addressing the judge, say yes or no your honor or ma'am or let your atorney do it for you. If you are unsure - look at your attorney for guidance - that is why they are there. Spoke when spoken to and keep it to the point. Remember that this is the business end - it will not change how much you love your son.

My heart is with you - it is a tough time. You are not alone!

If you have more questions, I'm a PM away!

 

[k¡tty]

You were lucky Gatsby, and I'm happy that you were. I'd not wish this sort of thing on anyone.





Yes final decisions are mine Miss T.. he wanted me to sign the insurance checks to equally divide our fire insurance settlement. I said no way. Well.. unless the ex was willing to sell his personal property that he had all removed from the dwelling before the fire.. then split the proceeds with me. Because honestly why should I give him half the money from my son and my own losses when he lost really nothing? Once I explained to him that 95% of the contents in that home were my sons and my own he agreed with me that I shouldn't give him half.

2 weekends a month he gets from 4pm on Friday till the following Monday morning when he takes him to school. The other 2 weekends he gets him from as early as noon on Saturday till maybe 4pm then returns him around 8 or 9pm Sunday night. He's asking for additional days during the week. Also he sees him everyday as he takes him to and from the school bus now that we live in another county and our son has to be transported back into our old one. Phone calls every night.
Now I'm not saying that he gets tons of time with him.. but how many fathers do you know has such lenient visitations that isn't court ordered? That the mother herself agreed to? Because I want my son to still have as much time with his father, considering that now his father is so interested in his life finally.. I feel like I'm losing out. As any parent knows when your child gets home from school they have homework to complete, bathing, eating and time that they want to spend relaxing playing or whatever. Not to mention afterschool activities he's involved in.

Every blessed phone call I have to repeat myself. "I've told you I won't discuss this with you. I have to talk to my lawyer." or "That's something that either the lawyers will work out for us or the judge will decide". How can I get any plainer than that?

He wants me to sign tax returns. I won't do that unless I see the papers and show them to my lawyer. He told me tonight that if I didn't sign that he would make me pay half of the (approx) $600 state taxes. But yet he feels entitled to receive the entire return from the Federal taxes? wtf. I pointed that out to him.. and even suggested that instead of giving me that money that is coming back he gives it to his son. To buy summer clothing that he now no longer has. He "donated" exactly $100 to us when our home burned down. This man isn't poor, the only 'bill' he has is the monthly support check and his truck insurance. He lives at home with his parents rent free.. they pay for his food and utilities.

I'm just tired of feeling like my son and I are getting screwed and he's so angry at me for not taking him back.. he's screwing our son over in the process. Who steals their kids toys? What kind of person does that?

Ugh okay.. now that was a whine and rant. lol


Thanks hon, I appreciate it. ((hugs))

 

[k¡tty]

Take a deep breath. It is never easy. DO NOT let him/her control you. Apparently you have no other choice but to leave it to a lawyer. Might mention to him there is such a thing as a restraning order, I had to do that since my ex kept calling me at work threatening to kill me. helped with getting over it

That's what pisses me off so much NOgard. I feel controlled. I thought that after we separated that would end to a certain degree and it hasn't.

It's just constant.. bitch bitch bitch. He uses our son as a tool.. as a way to get to me. Trying to say that I'm not doing a good job as a parent, knowing full well I was the only real parent that child had for the past 10 years.

Ugh if only I could have that EE.. no contact with him for 3 months would be heaven at this point. lol

Thanks ya'll.

 

[k¡tty]

Sounds so much like my divorce 9 years ago. My best advice is this: do not stop being who you are and keep your son as your main focus in all things. I'm finally learning to put my hatred aside, but it has been a long process. I wish someone had told me that my hatred would affect my kids, as well as my fears and anxiety. Continue to be as fair as you can. If you have feelings you cna't cope with - talk to a friend or counselor about them.

The hearing can be very scary so here are a few tips. Dress as professionally as you can and still be comfortable. Remember to breathe and stay focused. When addressing the judge, say yes or no your honor or ma'am or let your atorney do it for you. If you are unsure - look at your attorney for guidance - that is why they are there. Spoke when spoken to and keep it to the point. Remember that this is the business end - it will not change how much you love your son.

My heart is with you - it is a tough time. You are not alone!

If you have more questions, I'm a PM away!

Thanks for the advice Spicy!
I bought a plain black skirt and a white short sleeved sweater for the hearing.. because I want to look presentable and respectful in court. I figure he'll be there in his usual.. jeans.

Oh jeez.. how much talking will I have to do in court? lol Now I'm worried that I'll have to testify or something. *ack*

As for the bad feelings agains the ex.. I do my best to shield my son from it all. I remember growing up and feeling like both of my parents used me as a pawn.. hell even my grandparents. I watch what I say about his father, in front of him.. and I've asked that he and his family do the same. I don't think they have tho.

I just reassure him that both Mommy and Daddy love him and things will work out in the end.

Again thanks hon.

 

[JadeEyes]

I only have a few minutes online tonight, but I wanted to let you know I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this right now. It's more than difficult to deal with a selfish and controlling person who has lost control of another person.

I got lucky when I got divorced after a year of marriage when I was 19.....no property, no assets, no custody issues. I won by default because he didn't even go to court. Since then, I have had to deal with a couple VERY controlling ex's, but I will have to tell you about all that later.

Be strong - you are doing what's right for you and your son!
Jadey

 

[LukkyKnight]

Patience.

Understand your own agenda, which IMHO should always be to seek the best outcome for any and all children affected, as unlike the parents they had no choice.

Patience.

Focus on your own goals, not historical issues.

Patience.

Remember that a nearly ex-spouse typically is highly aware of certain things which can be done to "push your buttons" and is likely to try some or all of them any number of times now. The secret is you no longer owe an ex spouse any reaction, so you route that button into a new place labeled "who gives a rat's ass" and instead of reacting you wait. It won't come out of "who gives a rat's ass" until you're out of the ex's hearing range, and if you're lucky most often out of the kid's, too.

Patience.

It's OK to vent. It's pointless to do so TO or around the ex.

Patience.

A divorce doesn't get the person out of your life/hair/mind but it does end a chapter. The ground rules are changing. You are on LEVEL ground, with even chances to affect the outcome(s) for better or worse.

Patience.

 

[SpiceCake]

Hon, you may not have to say a word. She may ask you if you are sure you want this - Yes your honor.

I had to answer in my own words why and I wasn't expecting it at all. I just told the truth and it was that easy.

Sound like you are prepared. You'll do great!

 

[Purrde Flower]

How do you deal with it all?
How did you handle the process?

How do you try and be fair when it concerns a child/ren, finances and other matters? Or did you? Did you just hand it over to a lawyer and let them have at it in your place?

Did you have to deal with a bitter, vengeful ex? How on earth did you cope?

One day at a time.
I am going to hire a lawyer when I can afford it.
The children, they will live with me. All I want from him is child support and him to carry insurance on them. I would also like it that it be written somewhere that he has to pay for half of their education through college (if possible).
I also want us to clear up whatever bills we owe.

My ex.. well I don't know how he feels other than he wants me to come back.

 

[k¡tty]

*muah* Jadey, I'm glad to see you if only for a few tonight.


Very wise Lukky..

He does know what buttons to push on me and I think I've done a pretty good job of not letting him know that he's affected me. Well aside from 2 months ago in his truck when he made the announcement that he 'believed' he should get the entire amount left over for the dwelling. Because as he said "he worked the 9 years and paid the house payment" not taking into account that he forbid me to work outside the home.. that he threatened me with divorce if I dared do so. That was the last time I let him know that I was upset.. and very few times before that. Not even when he threatened me physically or blocked my car with his body preventing me from leaving my driveway.

I break down privately.. I'm not someone who cries easily in front of others.. or who gets highly emotional or volitile. I've always walked away..

Every lawyer that I spoke with said I was "too nice" lol.

He will always be in my life.. until the day one of us passes away. This I know... I just hope that after 8 years that will slack off a good bit. Or u ntil he remarries and has a new family. *prays someone will take a fancy to him, and soon*


I'll be asking my lawyer just what to expect that day Spicy.. what the judge might ask.. if his lawyer will be asking me questions. I'm so stressed out th inking about that first court hearing.. but I can't wait for it to arrive. Because then, finally then, the process will have begun and I can start moving on.

Again thanks all. I'm feeling a mite better.

 

[k¡tty]

Re: Re: Question - For those who are divorced or going through one now

One day at a time.
I am going to hire a lawyer when I can afford it.
The children, they will live with me. All I want from him is child support and him to carry insurance on them. I would also like it that it be written somewhere that he has to pay for half of their education through college (if possible).
I also want us to clear up whatever bills we owe.

My ex.. well I don't know how he feels other than he wants me to come back.

I did that as well Purrde. "I'll hire a lawyer when I can afford it"
He filed on me and actually retained the best lawyer in town.

If you are serious about getting divorced, ask friends, family, co-workers.. anyone.. if they can recommend a good lawyer. Call them up and see if they charge a consultation fee.. most don't I've discovered.

Also you can check into and see if you're able to receive legal aid through the Department of Health and Human Resources.. maybe they have better lawyers through them in Texas than they had in WV. lol

Do some research online.. I seem to recall my friend telling me that Texas was a marital property state. So any bills ya'll incurred during your marriage he is responsible for half of.

It seems to me, in my limited experience, that the ones who want us back are th eones who make things more difficult on us.

 

[Mia62]

I made it easy on myself in the long run. Money is the issue with us. I basically took just barely half of all the big stuff (ie house, car, business, RRSPs) and anything small that was given to me by family and/or friends over the years. I took a minimal amount of furniture...all my clothes...

Walked away and left him the house and everything else in it.

My kids spend 50/50 with us...based upon THEIR wants/needs not ours.

I have what I need. I can always buy more things later if I need them.

We talk on a daily basis...some good...some tense. But one day...based upon the fact that he doesn't feel raked over the coals...we hope to be friends again. After all, we will each always have a HUGE part in our kids' lives. I would never leave him out...and he wouldn't leave me out. Family is first...whether we live together or not.

 

[Soblue]

I kind of put mine on hold because the fighting was so painful.

So for now we are seperated and living status quo. No more negotiating and no more fighting. But I know it will all start back up again in a couple of months.

Chin up Kitty, good luck in your hearing.

 

[k¡tty]

That works Mia when both parties are able to conduct themselves as mature adults. When they stop being petty and trying to hurt the other.. and their only real concern is for the child/children involved.

I know that my ex wouldn't have a problem cutting me out of our sons life, not because I'm a bad mother - he knows that I'm not- but because he's so filled with anger.

My son loves visiting his father, but he doesn't want to live with him. He wouldn't be happy with a 50/50 shared custody, its something that was discussed. He said he wanted to have one main home.. and just go see his daddy sometimes on weekends, with the option to see him at other times if he wishes. I am glad that that arrangement seems to be working for your family though.


It wears you down doesn't it Soblue? Just the constant barrage of stupid sillyness. The marriage is over.. for whatever reason; for whoever's fault.. it's done. Now is when we need to pour our engeries and focus into our kids.

Thanks hon.. I'm worried on the surface but deep down I know that things will be okay. They have to be.

 

[LukkyKnight]

Did I mention you need patience above all else now?

 

[thebrokenheartedfool]

I don't really know if I can help or not. Our divorce was a mutual decision. We talked about it ( both totally miserable ) and one night she asked me what I wanted and I told her not this and that I would have my shit out by the next day. I called some people the next day and I backed a truck up that morning and we split the stuff right then a few problems but mostly all done sensably. We agreed not to make it harder than it had to be. We didn't have any children nor many assets. We went to a lawyer together. Freeked him out. But we went together and it worked out best for us both. We were not married for very long just a little over 2 years. She asked one time about money and I asked if she was supporting herself before we got married. So she stopped asking. I am not mean but I had had enough and wasn't about to do anything I thought wrong to her or for her any longer. She had a truck paid off before we got married and I said one thing about it while we were talking about divorce and that was that it was hers and I would not want anything to do with it. I did the maintaince on it while we were married and made one payment for her while we were engagued.
As to the pain of it. I was the one who decided to leave but it hurt bad. I had been through alot and I didn't beleive in divorce but I couldn't stay with her. She told me she had changed and couldn't be the one I had fell in love with anylonger. It was the hardest drive away from that house. I just stopped and watched the sun set. Seeing a day come to the end was the right way the sun was going down on that relationship.
Time has made life a little easier. She was a big part of my life but I have branched out more and more. Slowly I have my life back and I have been happier in the last few months than I have in the past 3 years. Thats all I have in a nut shell mine was alot easier than most. It is easier if everyone is working for the common goal of happiness not making the other unhappy.

 

[k¡tty]

Yes you did Lukky.

I admit patience isn't one of my virtues but I'm trying.





Divorce is never really easy, it's only the division of assets and property that could be easy. The emotional toll it takes on us can be very hard.. even if both parties realize that the feelings that brought them together are no longer there.

No one gets married with the intention of divorcing.. I think we all believed it would last forever.

It is easier if everyone is working for the common goal of happiness not making the other unhappy.

Too true brokenhearted.. but I don't see the "fool" bit to your nick at all in your post. I'm glad that these past few months have been very good to and for you.. it's as it should be.

And yes... you did help.

 

[sweet soft kiss]

Kitty,

I don't have much concrete advice for you, since my ex and I didn't have kids, or much to split up. We just went our own ways. Don't discount the emotional side of it in the nitty gritty of lawyers. Take your time, find help if you need it and always be aware that many of us have gone through the same things and many of us are willing to lend an ear or shoulder or whatever you need.

Good luck.

 

[k¡tty]

Thank you Sweet soft kiss.


It's been almost a year from the time we separated.. I'm ready for the end to begin.

I don't go to my family about my divorce... I tend to be very closed mouthed where my feelings are concerned. That and I know that they have their own worries. Just being able to ask others here, to vent my frustrations has helped me. I am glad that I'm able to do that.

 

[LukkyKnight]

Patience isn't merely a virtue, it's a trump card in a divorce.

 

[Mia62]

Patience isn't merely a virtue, it's a trump card in a divorce.

I couldn't agree more. This is the key thing in any situation but especially divorce.