Question for the queers (and bis)

[sophia jane]

So, I've developed this aversion to giving head. Or, more accurately I've developed an aversion to the idea of ever ever having a penis anywhere near my mouth. The idea makes me want to gag. I never used to be this way; in fact, I was pretty skillful in that department and always willing to please my partner in that fashion. So this aversion thing has been a little strange to me.

Which, sort of, brings me to my dilemma. I've identified as bi for years now, despite almost no experience with women (and certainly no relationship-like experience with one). Over the last year or so, I've seen "signs" in myself that, if I were to see them all in someone else, I would say "you're gay." And yet, I'm not at that place where I feel like I can say that. Maybe because my experiences with women have been so infrequent or because I've been with men so many years or maybe cuz I'm just going through an anti-sex period of my life. Don't know. But what I'm wondering is- in the process of you coming to terms with your sexuality, was there an "aha" moment when you knew, unequivocally that you were gay (or bi)? Was there a point when the opposite sex repulsed you? For the bi gals and gays, have you found periods of your life where you greatly preferred one gender over another?
I've already talked to my very favorite lesbians about this, some of them recently and some last summer when I began to kinda freak out about the whole thing. I no longer feel the pressure to self-identify, but still it weirds me out a little that I'm 30 and I don't know what I am and who I like. My celibacy and lack of sex drive really haven't helped matters because it's very easy to blame my lack of interest in men on that, making it harder to know if I'm gay.

Anyway, I'm certainly not asking anyone to tell me if I'm gay (tho wouldn't it be lovely if it worked that way!), but I'm really curious if anyone else experienced something like this or had this kind of confusion. Cuz I feel really stupid that I'm so clueless.

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

i was actually going through one of those phases at the Love Shack lit-together last year. Which means that - obviously - at least one of us bi people goes through those phases. Men were disgusting for the most part. There were exceptions, but....

A couple of weeks ago i went through a 'women are icky' phase. If there wasn't a penis attached, there was no interest. Period. So it goes both ways.

That being said, most of the time it's more an open thing for me. If there's an attraction, there's an attraction, no matter if the object of desire is male or female. Those odd times just sort of come and go.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

i was actually going through one of those phases at the Love Shack lit-together last year. Which means that - obviously - at least one of us bi people goes through those phases. Men were disgusting for the most part. There were exceptions, but....

A couple of weeks ago i went through a 'women are icky' phase. If there wasn't a penis attached, there was no interest. Period. So it goes both ways.

That being said, most of the time it's more an open thing for me. If there's an attraction, there's an attraction, no matter if the object of desire is male or female. Those odd times just sort of come and go.

Whatever feels good, suck it?



Actually, that might not be a bad policy in general. Kind of 'relax and go with the (internal) flow' thing, whatever that may be.

 

[The_Fool]

I have an aversion to giving head as well...


As for the women are icky....nevermind.


*hugs for SJ*

 

[Guest]

So, I've developed this aversion to giving head. Or, more accurately I've developed an aversion to the idea of ever ever having a penis anywhere near my mouth. The idea makes me want to gag. I never used to be this way; in fact, I was pretty skillful in that department and always willing to please my partner in that fashion. So this aversion thing has been a little strange to me.

Which, sort of, brings me to my dilemma. I've identified as bi for years now, despite almost no experience with women (and certainly no relationship-like experience with one). Over the last year or so, I've seen "signs" in myself that, if I were to see them all in someone else, I would say "you're gay." And yet, I'm not at that place where I feel like I can say that. Maybe because my experiences with women have been so infrequent or because I've been with men so many years or maybe cuz I'm just going through an anti-sex period of my life. Don't know. But what I'm wondering is- in the process of you coming to terms with your sexuality, was there an "aha" moment when you knew, unequivocally that you were gay (or bi)? Was there a point when the opposite sex repulsed you? For the bi gals and gays, have you found periods of your life where you greatly preferred one gender over another?
I've already talked to my very favorite lesbians about this, some of them recently and some last summer when I began to kinda freak out about the whole thing. I no longer feel the pressure to self-identify, but still it weirds me out a little that I'm 30 and I don't know what I am and who I like. My celibacy and lack of sex drive really haven't helped matters because it's very easy to blame my lack of interest in men on that, making it harder to know if I'm gay.

Anyway, I'm certainly not asking anyone to tell me if I'm gay (tho wouldn't it be lovely if it worked that way!), but I'm really curious if anyone else experienced something like this or had this kind of confusion. Cuz I feel really stupid that I'm so clueless.

How about kissing men? You don't have an aversion to a man's lips yet (mine in particular)?

Although you (sweet, gorgeous) sophia jane, directed this question to gay/bi women, I can kind of give input here as a bisexual man. There are days where I have preference for one gender, but not aversion to the other sex compared to my preference at the time.

As for you, if you're having aversion but still identify as bi, maybe it's the company you're presently keeping and the situation you're in? Just a guess.

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

Whatever feels good, suck it?



Actually, that might not be a bad policy in general. Kind of 'relax and go with the (internal) flow' thing, whatever that may be.

Bizzackly! On both counts! LOL...

i figure that your body knows what it wants. That includes what kind of hormones coming from sexual partners. It hasn't failed me yet.

 

[slyc_willie]

Assuming you don't mind Neo's response, I'll add my two cents as well . . . .

Personally, I have never been uncomfortable with the fact that I go both ways. I find it liberating . The fact that I can get a blowjob practically any time I want (men are so easy, you know, lol) is comforting, in a purely sexual way.

For the most part, I strongly prefer women, both sexually and romantically. I once, long ago, tried to have a romantic relationship with another man, but that didn't go over too well. but at least I tried.

Was there ever an 'aha!' moment for me? Not really. It was more like a gradual understanding and acceptance. I became sexually active at a very young age (I won't chance fate and Lit by saying how young) and was active with both boys and girls. I hid my true nature from my homophobic friends for the longest time, and lost many of them once I 'came out.'

But I am more comfortable with myself now. While I still suffer the occasional ignorant remark that 'there's no such thing as a bisexual man,' I'm strong enough, man enough, to ignore them.

 

[Tom Collins]

For my own part, I didn't struggle the gender preference, trying to decide what I was, and unable to come to a conclusion. It was kind of strange, I think, the way it went down. I was watching something or other, I’m not sure what it was, but it had pretty girls in tight clothing in it. Lots of cleavage and blue jean seams riding up butt cracks and what not. I was just watching, and not really thinking about anything but the story, when it kind came like a flash out of nowhere that I was looking as much at the women on the screen, as I was the men, and in the same way.

I remember what it was that triggered the realization now. This one chick was wearing a tight t-shirt, and no bra and her nipples were like old-fashioned Coke bottle caps (the kind you need a church key to open) with big, fat pencil erasers in the middle. I realized I was wishing she'd pull her shirt up so I could get a really good look at them, and see if they were as rosy as they looked through the thin white material of her t-shirt.

Well, I sat there thinking about it, and I realized that I'd always looked at both genders in a sexual way; I just hadn't consciously acknowledged it until that instant of clarity.

It was sort of a “Uhu!” moment, and after that I was aware of it. it wasn’t like any sort of big drama, or anything, just that “what’d ya know?” sort of a feeling and then I went back to watching the show. I was about sixteen, maybe seventeen at the time, and I’ve never really worried about it.

As for preference for one gender over another, I’m sort of cyclic. I never find either icky, but there are times when I’m less picky about who I find appealing within each gender. There are times when nearly any woman has some attraction to her and at the same time, it has to be a really gorgeous guy to turn my head. Other times it’s the other way around, and sometimes I’m as attracted, or not, to both. I might find an individual icky, but so far, I’ve never found a gender in general unpleasant to think about.


I hope that's helpful, sweet SJ.


Yeesh...did I blather on long enough?

 

[impressive]

Question: How much of the space you're in right now do you think can be attributed to the types of male & female relationships (non-sexual) that you're experiencing?

IOW, if you're experiencing strong, supportive female relationships ... and you're getting the shaft from the male relationship(s) in your life ... Well, if it were me, I know it'd be influencing my attraction to men.

I respond to the energy around me. I'm attracted to positive energy and repulsed by negative. If I'm not feeling emotionally supported by the men in my life -- and I am feeling emotionally supported by the women in my life -- then I know which direction I'd be inclined to look for a lover.

*shrug* Just me ...

 

[sophia jane]

I'll respond more in-depth later but wanted to say thanks for the responses and to say, yes I most definitely want to hear from guys and girls.

 

[Belegon]

I'm always gonna love being around you SJ...and if you don't want me sexually, that ain't gonna change.

That said...

I would say resist labels...but isn't that very resistance a kind of label? I say you do what feels right for you, but you keep yourself open to possibilities in every direction. It's why I continue to say that if I ever fall in love with a man the physical equipment won't matter. I'll learn.

If I decide I want to kiss a man, I will. If you decide you DON'T want to kiss a man? You shouldn't. Right? Isn't that the logical extension of my own position?

Of course, this isn't a lot of help. Besides, I'm a little biased....

 

[semen4her]

My friend Cade Is Here has wondered the same thing and experienced many many many cocks in his day. Back in the navy he would suck off half the fleet in a day. He's a sick fuck.

 

[slyc_willie]

I'm always gonna love being around you SJ...and if you don't want me sexually, that ain't gonna change.

That said...

I would say resist labels...but isn't that very resistance a kind of label? I say you do what feels right for you, but you keep yourself open to possibilities in every direction. It's why I continue to say that if I ever fall in love with a man the physical equipment won't matter. I'll learn.

If I decide I want to kiss a man, I will. If you decide you DON'T want to kiss a man? You shouldn't. Right? Isn't that the logical extension of my own position?

Of course, this isn't a lot of help. Besides, I'm a little biased....

There will always be labels for everything. That's pretty much unavoidable. The human species likes to classify things. Makes it easier.

My feeling is . . . go with your feelings. You want a man? Go after him. Want a woman? Same thing. You worry too much about 'why,' and you won't enjoy yourself.

Oh, and . . . don't feed the monkey. They just chew it up and spit it back out without digesting anything.

 

[3113]

So, I've developed this aversion to giving head. Or, more accurately I've developed an aversion to the idea of ever ever having a penis anywhere near my mouth.

I guess the obvious question that no one's asked is...does the contrary hold true?

I'm not bi or gay...but I've always thought that the best way to decide what you want, sexually, is to examine your sexual fantasies. And though we like to label people, I suspect that most folk have a slidig scale. A bi-sexual may not be 50-50. Like Slyc Willie they may be 40-60 or 30-70.

Maybe life, opportunities, etc. just didn't allow you to consider the other percentage till now.

 

[slyc_willie]

I guess the obvious question that no one's asked is...does the contrary hold true?

I'm not bi or gay...but I've always thought that the best way to decide what you want, sexually, is to examine your sexual fantasies. And though we like to label people, I suspect that most folk have a slidig scale. A bi-sexual may not be 50-50. Like Slyc Willie they may be 40-60 or 30-70.

Maybe life, opportunities, etc. just didn't allow you to consider the other percentage till now.

That's an excellent point. Being bisexual doesn't mean you find both sexes equally attractive. It just means either may, at times, turn you on.

I think the pitfall many people trip themselves into is that they think bisexuality means an equal amount of attraction, of allowing themselves to be torn between two worlds. In a strange way, it makes them feel more limited because they worry about denying that 'other part' of them.

For many bisexuals, myself included, attraction to one of the sexes is almost purely sexual. If you recognize that, and are honest with that, then you will be more comfortable going both ways.

That's how I feel, anyway. Although, if I could meet a really hot, fully intersexed hermaphrodite . . . .

 

[cantdog]

.. an anti sex period in your life...


okay

I guess it might happen


But I'm goin on fifty-five years and I can't even imagine it.


wo

well anyway sorry for the threadjack; carry on

 

[Dar~]

SJ, I recently came out as a lesbian. I had, up until december been an active partner in a FF relationship, and though still legally married to my husband, feel no desire to be with him. There are times, however; when I feel attracted to him sexually. adn not just him, a few other men I know. For the most part, I am into women. I like how they feel under my hand and I feel a much deeper connection to them. Aside form maybe one guy I know, There is no deeper connection to anyone aside from my ex and that is fleeting.
I am in the stage where I have been nicknamed the "Undecided Lesbian" by my friends. I am confused by my attraction to men and also confused by my utter indifference to certain women. I get on myspace or one of the sites, and am shown images of skantily clad women lookng like super models and they do nothing for me. I see "sexy" women at the club and am uninterested. I wonder if I am too selective in my "type" do I even have a type?
I understand your confusion. My BF and I have simply adopted the labels the Undecided Lesbian and the Kind of Gay Boy, because he is going through exactly the same thing. If you need to talk, You know I am on Yahoo.

 

[Pure]

hi sj,

here's a thought

Or, more accurately I've developed an aversion to the idea of ever ever having a penis anywhere near my mouth. The idea makes me want to gag.

lots of men are averse to pussies, esp. putting the mouth to one. but most of these are *straight*. so arguably the aversion has nothing to do with orientation.

a further point is that disgust is somehow linked to other strong emotions, some positive; some fetishes involve something--like pee-- considered disgusting.

it could be argued that, were you finished in the 'het' department, men, men's parts etc. would simply cause a neutral, take it or leave it, indifferent reaction.
---

i like what 3113 had to say:

//I'm not bi or gay...but I've always thought that the best way to decide what you want, sexually, is to examine your sexual fantasies. And though we like to label people, I suspect that most folk have a slidig scale. A bi-sexual may not be 50-50. Like Slyc Willie they may be 40-60 or 30-70.

Maybe life, opportunities, etc. just didn't allow you to consider the other percentage till now.//

persistent fantasies indicate some deep tendency; i don't see that much hangs on a label. i would add the one can cultivate fantasies, and develop them in various directions; so the current state of them partly reflects chosen routines, what you choose to masturbate to, etc.

 

[sophia jane]

dup post

 

[sophia jane]

Thanks all. I'm going to try to answer some of the questions raised here.

How about kissing men? You don't have an aversion to a man's lips yet (mine in particular)?

As for you, if you're having aversion but still identify as bi, maybe it's the company you're presently keeping and the situation you're in? Just a guess.

You know, I don't have an aversion to kissing, but I hadn't really thought about it one way or another; I also haven't been in the situation to test it out. If you're ever in Milwaukee....

As for it being the situation I'm in, that's definitely possible. And that's actually one of the reasons I'm okay with not labelling myself. Sometimes I just feel silly that I'm so clueless.

As for preference for one gender over another, I’m sort of cyclic. I never find either icky, but there are times when I’m less picky about who I find appealing within each gender.

I've never found one icky either, till the last several months or so. And to be honest, it's only blow jobs that really disgust me. The idea of sex doesn't necessarily offend me. So, I guess that's something to think about. And it's not like I hate men suddenly either. I still occasionally see a guy that I think is good looking.

Question: How much of the space you're in right now do you think can be attributed to the types of male & female relationships (non-sexual) that you're experiencing?

IOW, if you're experiencing strong, supportive female relationships ... and you're getting the shaft from the male relationship(s) in your life ... Well, if it were me, I know it'd be influencing my attraction to men.

That's definitely a possibility. You all know that my relationship with my ex is often strained and definitely not very supportive. I'm also friends with lots of women, including several lesbians, who are, usually, really great and supportive. So...that's definitely possible. But the question I've had about that- is my level of comfort with women indicative of being a dyke or just caused by the lack of quality men in my life?

I would say resist labels...but isn't that very resistance a kind of label? I say you do what feels right for you, but you keep yourself open to possibilities in every direction. It's why I continue to say that if I ever fall in love with a man the physical equipment won't matter. I'll learn.

I agree. Labels aren't really necessary. However...it gets a little complicated from the perspective of future dating. It particularly gets complicated in trying to date women because many lesbians are not all that willing to put alot of energy into an undecided girl or into a bi girl because of the risk that she's going to go back to men. So, I think part of me isn't even really willing to consider dating women if I'm not sure I want that. I feel like I already come with alot of baggage, ya know?

I'm not bi or gay...but I've always thought that the best way to decide what you want, sexually, is to examine your sexual fantasies.

This is a good question and I really wish it were an indicator for me. It'll seem weird since I write porn, but I practically never fantasize about sex. Most of my masturbation is inspired by either written or visual porn. It's also really hard for me to fantasize about women because I have so little experience that it intimidates me. And as silly as this sounds...my inner voice interrupts fantasy attemts with realism, like "you don't know how to do that" and, worse, "you're too fat to have sex." So...I mostly have to remove myself from any inner imaginings in order to get off.
Also, related to that, is that the idea of being with a woman scares me a little, because I have so little experience in that department. It's been thirteen years since the one time I went down on a girl, and I hardly remember it now. So, in some ways, I sorta feel like I'm reluctant to think too much about women because I've got no clue what to do with one!

.. an anti sex period in your life...

okay

I guess it might happen

Over a year with no sex and I've pretty much stopped caring. I can't imagine myself having sex now and don't see it happening again anytime for a long time. So...kinda an anti sex period. I so wish it hadn't happened, tho.

lots of men are averse to pussies, esp. putting the mouth to one. but most of these are *straight*. so arguably the aversion has nothing to do with orientation.

a further point is that disgust is somehow linked to other strong emotions, some positive; some fetishes involve something--like pee-- considered disgusting.

it could be argued that, were you finished in the 'het' department, men, men's parts etc. would simply cause a neutral, take it or leave it, indifferent reaction.

This is possible. It'd be weird to go from loving it to hating it without a particular reason, but it's possible. As for the neutrality, that's not necessarily true. I know from other lesbian friends that they, at one point or another, developed a total disgust for men's genitalia and for blow jobs. Not for men, necessarily, but for naked men.


Anyway, thanks all for your thoughts. It's been alot to consider. I think I'll just stick with the undecided label till I'm at a place where I can test the waters one way or the other.

 

[impressive]

I agree. Labels aren't really necessary. However...it gets a little complicated from the perspective of future dating.

It doesn't help, either, that all those dating/personals sites MAKE you choose between one or the other. There's never an option for WOMAN seeking EITHER.

 

[Vermilion]

It doesn't help, either, that all those dating/personals sites MAKE you choose between one or the other. There's never an option for WOMAN seeking EITHER.

There is sometimes
Depends on the website.
x
V

 

[Cade Is Here]

My friend Cade Is Here has wondered the same thing and experienced many many many cocks in his day. Back in the navy he would suck off half the fleet in a day. He's a sick fuck.

Aren't troll awesome.

We all think YOU are the gay one buddy.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Not from a bi perspective, but from someone who 85% prefers penis - I went though a period where I was repulsed by giving head, or touching my partner sexually, or being touched in a sexual way. When I moved on from that partner, after a down-period of about six months with no sex whatsoever (and, yes, no desire for any) I suddenly met someone I was interested in and attracted to, and lo and behold, I had to have cock and stopped at nothing till I got it from this particular person. Where I'm going from this is, I could have had it from anyone, but I only wanted it when I felt an irresistable attraction to someone. I was repulsed by sex because of my emotions toward my ex - and men in general for awhile - and my emotions led me back into wanting sex again.

So, as far as your question, maybe when the right cock comes along you won't be repulsed by it. And if it doesn't, maybe your preference for men has changed; either way, you don't need to "decide" anything until you know in your heart it's true, because the heart is the only organ you can really trust anyway.

 

[carsonshepherd]

"you're too fat to have sex." .

No such thing, believe me. Anyone who wants to be with you, who really sees you and desires you, doesn't see "fat."