Question for the ladies of lit

[INTPinMD]

Good Afternoon Ladies,

I had a question I need your help with. The majority of my life, I've been friends with women. I am very comfortable in the friendzone and have been told I have many characteristics of being demisexual. I share similar interests with many women. I like to discuss "big", meaningful topics (horrible at small talk), I am not a fan of watching sports on TV. I enjoy cooking, I can bake, but its not as fun as cooking. I like to read, I like to improve myself, physically and mentally. I do "manly" things, I like to fish, play sports, tennis, volleyball,soccer, go biking, hiking, etc. I also enjoy my alone time, but am always ready to drop what I'm doing to help a friend. I don't believe in his chores/her chores, I am willing to do whatever needs to be done so long as chores are split relatively evenly. I have been called a renaissance man, and I have also been mistaken for gay due to the above. Also since this is lit, I'm pretty open, communicative, and experimental when it comes to sex. I needed to share that to give you background from where I am coming from,...

So my question comes from a recent discussion with some of the above mentioned friends over a few cocktails. They complain about their husbands, boyfriends, or potential dates that all guys want is sex, and for women to take care of them, do the laundry, make the meals, raise the kids, etc. As one put it, having a husband is like having another child. They laud me for having the "progressive" view I'd mentioned above. They tell me I am in great shape and look 10 years younger than I am. That if I dyed my hair to hide the developing gray I could easily pass for 30ish and date women in their 20's. ( I am 50ish) The quote that drove me to this post was,..."I really want to meet a nice guy, like you, but you're too nice."

My friends tell me they wish they could find a guy like me, the married ones ask if I can help "train" their husbands.They know I am divorced and looking and I won't touch my married friends, as for the single ones,...I'm not their type. Apparently everyone around my age wants the bad boy, the guy who won't call or text them for days after sex, the guy who gets a little too rough, the guy in the fancy suit with the expensive watch who treats them like property. Time and again when those guys break their hearts they complain about how horrible men are, how we're all dicks. Yet when I suggest a date, there is no "spark", "it would be like dating my brother".

So my question, if you are still reading, how do you navigate that fine line? Where is the equillibrium between confident and cocky? The zone where you're not one of the girls, but you're not "that guy" either? I've hit the age where it is disheartening, or maybe frustrating is a better word, to keep listening to women complain about the guys they are meeting, but as much as they complain, they keep going back to the same type. I'm hoping you can provide some insight. Your feedback is appreciated.

 

[EmpressV]

You need to find a new crowd. Plenty of women in your age range want a grown man who's competent and kind.

 

[Poprockz]

Keep in mind that I'm younger (mid-twenties), but as far as I'm concerned, a lot of women settle for their relationships because they've invested so much time and effort in them. That's my idea of why they stay with someone they complain about all the time.

As far as you go based on your description, you sound like a very kind, considerate guy. A lot of women like dysfunctional men because they themselves are attracted to a relationship where they're constantly trying to win approval. That rush of getting the guy that's usually distant to open up, keeps them coming back for more. It makes them feel like they're the "only one who can get him to open his heart." Being special, being that "only one" is something that a lot of women like. If things are too open and easy, I think that disinterests some women. Perhaps like playing a game where you turn it on and immediately get the happy ending. It doesn't leave them wanting more.

Now I'm not saying you should treat women poorly; women who have experienced healthier relationships will go for people that they consider healthy and kind. So my advice would simply be to continue to seek someone who can appreciate you for who you are, while staying comfortable simply enjoying life and living your life for you.

 

[Br0wn3yedBab3]

I’ve been that girl who stayed with the wrong guy way too long because I invested so much time and energy into him and thankfully I’m not that dumb anymore.

As far as where to draw the line- personally speaking - I think myself and a lot of the women I know are attracted to an assertive man who won’t let us “win” all the time. That’s not to say we want to be controlled or treated like crap but we like a little bit of a chase. We like a little bit of mystery & benign drama to liven things up. We don’t want to sleep with the guy who seems too nice because our brains have been conditioned to believe something is off and it can’t be this easy. You seem like a great guy and I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

 

[FatChick4Erotica]

Look for a guys gal

My guess is you hang out with a lot for women who are generally girls girls. This type of woman Often looks for a more classic kinda guy or the bad boy type. What you need to do is look for a a guys gal that spends their time hanging out with men predominantly. This type of woman is often easier going and looks for different things in their men. Of course I am speaking in generalities here but you get the idea. You need to hunt down a different type of gal.

 

[CutieJo]

I may be reading between non-existent lines, but it sounds as if you are interested in one of your lady friends who complain about other guys. Regardless of this being true, I don’t think you need to change yourself. Who you are is enough and will be appreciated as such by someone who doesn’t need convincing to know your value. Why do you need to change yourself to make someone like you romantically? It already sounds like you’re putting yourself out there, so it’s not like you’re not trying to be seen as partner. Aligning with the other ladies on here, I think maybe switch up the crowd you spend time with and meet other “progressive” individuals, who don’t need any persuasion to see you more than just a nice guy. Good luck out there in the dating world.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

As others have stated, expand your circle of friends. You will find someone worthy of your time/interest

 

[GiggLeGasm]

It's interesting to me that, despite your progressive views, you still divide preferences into girl things and guy things. Baking is no longer a girl thing. Tennis is most certainly not dominated by men. Climb out of those stereotypes and you might find that you're more "traditional" than you think.

Find a human who likes human things.. let it build from there.

 

[Lady2020]

I don't know if you need to change friends, but at least make it known you're not available to be the one to complain to about their men.

 

[HardandFrustrated]

I agree with what was said earlier. Keep in mind that women feel, while us men think. What they feel doesn't make any sense and we'll just have to live with that.

You're not going to change who you are so you need to find someone who likes you for who you are. There are many dating sites and they work great. Find the person you want even before you meet.

Keep in mind that now that you're in your 50s (like me), there are more women seeking men. They're beyond their prime and know it; Now they're more aggressive. Most have already had a long term relationship and looking to once more fill a void in their life. There are plenty of hot, sexy women in the their 40s and 50s seeking men, so go out an find one.