Question for single moms and the men that date us..

[PowerOfOne]

I just recently started dating again and this time I have an 8 month old daughter. My question is this, do the single moms or the dates pay for the babysitter, usually?

 

[lobito]

my guess would be the Mom, depending on how serious the realtion is, and whether the man considered himself a gentleman or not.

I SWORE I'd never marry into an "instant family", but I did. I never had a problem paying. but then she didn't ahve a job either.

 

[Moridin187]

I've never been in the situation myself, but with my knowledge of men, I'd say they'll expect the mom to pay while they're on the first few "getting to know eachother" dates.. Once it evolves into a full blown relationship I'd think half and half..

and like lobito said, it depends on whether you're dealing with a gentleman or not, in my view taking a lady out involves paying for the entire evening, so babysitter would fall under that category

 

[PowerOfOne]

Lobito, how was the subject approached about who pays for the babysitter, please?

 

[alltherage]

For what it is worth I always pay. At least at first i always do. My kids, my responsibility I figure. I am very protective of them and i get real defensive early on when dating. I figure if mom is not going to like the date then why should I run the risk of letting them get attached only to have another lose. It is hard being a woman with kids and to still maintain a social life. Delemas delemas.

 

[PowerOfOne]

Moridin, I like you better and better! You would think that dating came natural for people but it seems so odd to be starting over.

 

[Moridin187]

Moridin, I like you better and better! You would think that dating came natural for people but it seems so odd to be starting over.

See?
And at first you thought I was a chauvanist

And I dunno about others, but dating is FAR from coming natural to me

 

[lobito]

I'd answer that if that fucking kid in the av would stop giving me the finger!

Actually, as I said, she didn't have a job. We also, as they say, utilized our contacts, and, parents, and grandparents from both sides, depending on which country we were in, would take her daughter so we could go out.

How would I approach it if she did have a job? well, I've known her for a long time, WAY before we were a couple, so it's maybe not AS fair in my situation to answer that.

Tell me something, how much do babysitters in teh U.S. make these days? How serious is he about you, and your child? Is it far enough along that you feel comfortable in asking him to chip in? or you wouldn't feel comfortable at all?

 

[Summery]

I just recently started dating again and this time I have an 8 month old daughter. My question is this, do the single moms or the dates pay for the babysitter, usually?

I am a single mom. I always pay! Unless, it is someone I have been exclusively dating for a long period of time....and only if they make the offer to pay. Only my opinion.

*Edited* Was reminded after reading some of this thread. My friends and I do at times exchange sitting favors. It works real nice and saves everyone money.

 

[SweetBrat73]

I'm a single Mom and I would pay for the babysitter. Just as alltherage said, I too am very protective of my children, and wouldn't want them getting too envolved with a man if I weren't sure he was going to stick around.

Once things get serious I would then ask that he help out with the sitter though. And I mean serious as in he's getting to know your children type thing. Then you should ask him to go in halfs with you.

Good luck!!!

 

[PowerOfOne]

I'd answer that if that fucking kid in the av would stop giving me the finger!

Actually, as I said, she didn't have a job. We also, as they say, utilized our contacts, and, parents, and grandparents from both sides, depending on which country we were in, would take her daughter so we could go out.

How would I approach it if she did have a job? well, I've known her for a long time, WAY before we were a couple, so it's maybe not AS fair in my situation to answer that.

Tell me something, how much do babysitters in teh U.S. make these days? How serious is he about you, and your child? Is it far enough along that you feel comfortable in asking him to chip in? or you wouldn't feel comfortable at all?

Lobito, I pay my babysitter $6.50 an hour and for a date that lasts 6 hours, let's say, that is a chunk of money. U.S. dollars of course. And I am not serious about the man I went out with tonight (and never will go out with again) but I do like to go out at least once a week and this could get spendy if you see my point. I do not want to take my daughter along on the date until I know the men really well, it would not be fair to her.

And also, I am not comfortable with broaching this subject with the date. That is why I needed advice about what others do. It will certainly limit the amount of times that I can go out. My family does not live in the same state as I do.

 

[Moridin187]

I rethought this post, nevermind.

 

[PowerOfOne]

~Laughing~ Moridin, my babysitter IS a great friend's daughter. I would not trust my daughter with anyone else. Is the amount that I am paying too much, too little or the right amount? Damn I am so lost in this area.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Hey Power of One this worked for my partner and I when we started dating.

We got involved with a babysitting group. Basically a group of parents who look after your kids for free on the understanding that you will reciprocate if the occassion arises. We were able to go out once or twice a week and look after other folks kids maybe once a week.

We found our group through a local community centre. Might be worth a go.

 

[Moridin187]

~Laughing~ Moridin, my babysitter IS a great friend's daughter. I would not trust my daughter with anyone else. Is the amount that I am paying too much, too little or the right amount? Damn I am so lost in this area.

Oh okay, maybe it Wasn't a stupid idea.. when I get to the point where I've had four hours of sleep in 72 I have trouble distinguishing...

As to the price, a couple years ago I'd babysit my ma's friend's daughter for $20 a night flat rate

 

[lobito]

consider this, that's roughly Minimum wage in the U.S. correct? How old is the person sitting for your child?

Kiwi's got a great point, IF it's available in your area. Also Moridin has a great point too, a flat rate woudl certainly help too. And much cheaper. Consider also how much you make during a day, AFTER taxes,a nd that you're not paying taxes for that babysitter.

 

[Moridin187]

Basically, the thing is, you have to find someone who is doing it as a favor rather than someone trying to make money. I was willing to babysit the little sweetheart for free, her mom insisted on paying me.

 

[PowerOfOne]

Kiwiwolf, that is a great idea! Thank you, I will look into it. I had no idea how much to pay a babysitter when I first started dating again so I asked her how much she charged and she said $6.50 an hour which is a bit above minimum wage in the states, I think, but I am not sure. She is 16 years old.

Moridin, I asked her how much she charged so it would be an insult to her to suggest a flat rate at this point, I think.

And to all those that have posted and will post, thank you so very much. I am lost in this new experience and I do not want to do it all wrong. Thanks again, everyone!

 

[Camille]

I pay, why should he? More than likely he is paying for everything else.

Cam

 

[daughter]

My kids, my responsibility

Power of One--

Oh, glad to find out who the single moms are. I can think of a few topics I'd like to discuss with moms. I have been single longer than I was ever married. Look me up anytime about single parenting and dating/relationships.

I would not expect my date to pay for babysitting. He asked for my company. What do my children have to do with it? If we went out and I chose to drive, would I ask him for gas money?

I believe in chivalry, but I'm also cautious about expectations and boundaries in relationships. My mother told me a few things about dating in general. Don't break a man's pocket. I think it's tacky to order expensive items because a meal is free or to gauge a man's income and generosity. I don't accept expensive gifts from men early on either. I don't ask and usually will turn turn favors from a man who I am casually dating. I don't like feeling obligated to do something for him in return nor do I want to raise his expectations of what the relationship is based on what he is doing for me.

I want to date and eventually be involved with someone, but I don't want a man thinking I need or want someone to take care of me. A lot of men fear these things happening and consequently don't date single moms.

I would hope a guy would not have these prejudices about single moms. I'd like him to see me first as a woman he'd like to know better, and be realistic that there are some challenges to dating a single mom, namely she'll always have to make arrangements first before they go out.

Hope to see more single parenting threads.

Peace,

daughter

 

[LukkyKnight]

I just recently started dating again and this time I have an 8 month old daughter. My question is this, do the single moms or the dates pay for the babysitter, usually?

Power,

I was slow to climb back into the dating scene after getting divorced (in 98) and I don't have "dad duty" about half the time, so I always worked what little social life I had around times when I was being dad.

Still, most of the women in the world who will date a 40-something guy with children do seem to have their own, so most of the dating I've done was with "moms" (I can think of two exceptions, and they were one-date flops with hideous social skills and I try to only tell those tales when intoxicated.) In a little over 3 years I have not yet been asked to pay for a sitter, nor did it ever occur to me to volunteer. Keep in mind that I am the kind of guy that assumes with a "new" relationship that if I ask to take you to dinner I'd assume that meant I was paying. Sometimes on a first date I've had the response be clearly "I want to pay for my half" which is fine, it avoids the sense of obligation others have alluded to in the thread I'm sure, but when I make the offer I figure that it's my "responsibility" from the moment I knock on the door until she's back home. That's sort of the difference between dating and hanging out with friends, isn't it?

I guess the reason for the price of the sitter being in a different category from the date itself is that I am always very protective about bringing some new person into my kid's life. Once we've gone out a few times and it seems like the lady is "real" and not some psycho-stalker then I will consider bringing up her name, and then introducing them... but it sort of seems to me that if I haven't met the person's kids they are not - yet - part of my responsibility. We have to establish an adult-to-adult balance first before bringing in additional personalities, even when it's clear that for anything long-term to develop that will be necessary.

Looks like you've got lots of good suggestions, here, but I'll lob in one I haven't seen for "down the road." If you're lucky, you may end up dating a guy who has a kid the right age to sit for yours (won't work on the first date, though, obviously.) Finding a sitter you trust is a serious challenge, so I favor that trade with other parents notion.

Good luck to all parents who date! Is it a jungle out there or what?

 

[Styphon]

It takes two to want to go out - her kid, her bill, but I'll pay for the date. It probably leaves the woman with more in her pocket than mine and she gets a break from the kiddy for the evening, to boot.

...or does the woman expect the man to pay for the babysitting AND the date?? Why?

If I'm a single dad, does the woman pay for my kid's babysitter and the date? Yeah? Cool!

Styphon