Question for PYLs....

[the captians wench]

First off I'm a bit moody atm so bare with me...

So I know what the whole "my PYL is all knowing and all powerful" answer to this is, but I'm in desperate need of a reality check here.

PYLs do you pretend to know, or assume that you know what's best for your ply all the time? And do you consult them on the matter?

If you haven't guessed I've had an issue come up that involves this very thing. Some one thought he knew what I wanted, and sincerely did what he thought was best for me, but turns out it's not something I had any inclination towards at all. I really don't feel like blurting out details here, so if you really must know pm me and we can talk.

I didn't think that we had the kind of relationship where he just decided what was in my best interest. I mean, we've always talked about what the next step would be before it was made, before it was decided if it was even a path we wanted to travel. So why all of a sudden is this different from any thing else we've tackled?

I'm really curious to know if any othe pyls have been in this spot as well. And if it's not something that you want, do you just go with what he says and assume that he really does know what's best for you, or do you confront him on the matter? And PYLs, are you always confident in that you are doing what's best for your pyl, or do you talk things out first to make sure, or do you just pretend to be confident in your belief because that's what's expected?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm fortunate enough to be with someone who realises he is human, and does not know everything, and can't always read my mind to know what it is I need/want though he tries. That being said, he does like to play the game occasionally whereby he is the all knowing one, but he knows that we both know it is not realistic and that it is more an indulgence for the moment. I do think in some part he would like me to be the kind to go with it, but he also wants someone with a brain and he realises the two don't go in the same body/brain so he opts for intelligence and my ability to let him know if he is really off the mark...and then we discuss where to go from there.

I did meet a few before him who insisted that was how it would be and that I had no right to believe they did not know everything and what was best at all times. Regardless to say, I moved on. I just find I can't respect either them or myself if I pretend it is true on a daily basis.

Catalina

 

[minx1]

First off I'm a bit moody atm so bare with me...

So I know what the whole "my PYL is all knowing and all powerful" answer to this is, but I'm in desperate need of a reality check here.

PYLs do you pretend to know, or assume that you know what's best for your ply all the time? And do you consult them on the matter?

If you haven't guessed I've had an issue come up that involves this very thing. Some one thought he knew what I wanted, and sincerely did what he thought was best for me, but turns out it's not something I had any inclination towards at all. I really don't feel like blurting out details here, so if you really must know pm me and we can talk.

I didn't think that we had the kind of relationship where he just decided what was in my best interest. I mean, we've always talked about what the next step would be before it was made, before it was decided if it was even a path we wanted to travel. So why all of a sudden is this different from any thing else we've tackled?

I'm really curious to know if any othe pyls have been in this spot as well. And if it's not something that you want, do you just go with what he says and assume that he really does know what's best for you, or do you confront him on the matter? And PYLs, are you always confident in that you are doing what's best for your pyl, or do you talk things out first to make sure, or do you just pretend to be confident in your belief because that's what's expected?

*hugs* wenchie.I hope you are ok chick.

It's time for to sleep here, so I will be brief and return to it when I am more alert...but I just wanted to send you a hug.

It is difficult to advise without knowing more details...but I can understand your reluctance to post them hon.

I know it works differently for everyone in terms of expectations and boundaries. But I would say that if you have always had a relationship where you have discussed and been consulted on things that effect you....I too would be confused and annoyed if that suddenly changed.
I have a similar relationship with my Master and would like to think that we would always discuss things that directly involved me or the progress or direction of our relationship. I think he has an idea of what is in my best interests, but my imput helps form that opinion. Its hard to say what I would do or how I would react if he went ahead without consulting me without knowing the subject matter. I think I would expect to give my opinion on it, but ulimimately accept his decison, except if it involved limits or something equally important, as a rule of thumb. I know others may see it differently.

Have you asked him why it was different this time?

As I said I'm tired but I hope this helps a little and more importantly, I hope you are ok. *hug*

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I'm fortunate enough in that I haven't had this situation arise with my Dom. He is gracious in that he asks my feelings if he says something or requests something that he feels I'm not comfortable with. He also reads me rather well and is good about acting on what he knows as opposed to making decisions based on what he doesn't.

My thoughts are that as long as I remain open and honest with him in my responses to what he asks, this probably won't be an issue between us anytime soon.

 

[Betticus]

Absolutely not. We are all human and while we may strive to know our partner we won't know everything.

This all goes back to the concept that communication is the key to any relationship. It's possible that your PYL imagines that whatever happened was good but if you don't tell him/her how you feel then your Pyl can't correct the problem with his/her own thinking.

You do realize that a safeword can be used any time right? It's not like the make my day law where you can only defend yourself from imminent death. You can use it to just stop whatever is going on, get your partners attention and then discuss what is bothering you.

I have crossed lines in the past when I thought I knew what I was doing and she just let it happen and didn't talk to me about it till later. The feeling of guilt was horrible and I wish she had said something, anything at the time. Before it was too late.

 

[JMohegan]

PYLs do you pretend to know, or assume that you know what's best for your ply all the time?

I am a fallible human being, not a God.

My answer to that question is no, and no.

And do you consult them on the matter?

It depends.

I have never been interested in TPE or M/s. In some areas (her career, for example), I would be delighted to offer an opinion and advice, but would never assert any authority beyond that point.

In other areas where D/s applied, I might consult her or I might not. A lot would depend on my mood, the significance of the decision itself, and whether I felt that discussion would enhance (or detract from) the outcome.

If you haven't guessed I've had an issue come up that involves this very thing. Some one thought he knew what I wanted, and sincerely did what he thought was best for me, but turns out it's not something I had any inclination towards at all. I really don't feel like blurting out details here, so if you really must know pm me and we can talk.

I don't need to know, but if you decide that you want to talk about this privately let me know and I'll activate my pm function for you, Wench.

I didn't think that we had the kind of relationship where he just decided what was in my best interest. I mean, we've always talked about what the next step would be before it was made, before it was decided if it was even a path we wanted to travel. So why all of a sudden is this different from any thing else we've tackled?

My personal opinion is that a Dominant only has the right to exert unilateral authority in those areas in which unilateral authority has been explicited granted.

In all other areas, more mainstream rules of discussion, negotiation, and compromise apply.

 

[minx1]

I am a fallible human being, not a God.

My answer to that question is no, and no.

It depends.

I have never been interested in TPE or M/s. In some areas (her career, for example), I would be delighted to offer an opinion and advice, but would never assert any authority beyond that point.

In other areas where D/s applied, I might consult her or I might not. A lot would depend on my mood, the significance of the decision itself, and whether I felt that discussion would enhance (or detract from) the outcome.

I don't need to know, but if you decide that you want to talk about this privately let me know and I'll activate my pm function for you, Wench.

My personal opinion is that a Dominant only has the right to exert unilateral authority in those areas in which unilateral authority has been explicited granted.

In all other areas, more mainstream rules of discussion, negotiation, and compromise apply.

[mini hijack]

My name is minx and I'm a jmoheganswords-aholic

Goodness John, why is it everything you say not only always seems to make complete sense...but it always sounds so good too!

I'm slightly embarrassed to sound like a groupie....but what the hell, I think I should start your fan club. [/hijack]

 

[the captians wench]

[mini hijack]

My name is minx and I'm a jmoheganswords-aholic

Goodness John, why is it everything you say not only always seems to make complete sense...but it always sounds so good too!

I'm slightly embarrassed to sound like a groupie....but what the hell, I think I should start your fan club. [/hijack]

You're not alone minxie. *giggles* I'm admitedly a JM stalker.

I think I'm really just babbling here, trying to make since out of all of this in my own head. but no matter how much I talk about it, no matter how much I play over it, I just can't see wtf he was thinking! *sigh*

 

[JMohegan]

I am not a fan of fan clubs, but I do thank you both for making me smile.

I think I'm really just babbling here, trying to make since out of all of this in my own head. but no matter how much I talk about it, no matter how much I play over it, I just can't see wtf he was thinking! *sigh*

Wench, I agree with Minx and Betticus. Talking to Jounar about this seems like a really good idea, doesn't it?

 

[Netzach]

Periodically, rarely, but once in a while, I will know something about someone they're not seeing at all.

It's really cool when it works, but you only know in hindsight. So I don't tend to rely on it woking a lot. I think it can sometimes be overconfidence.There are still all kinds of things about my husband I have no clue about after 5 years. Happily I'm wrong in a lot of assumptions and still have surprises to learn from him.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

When dispensing any advise I just try to draw upon my common sense, intuition and life experience. If I don't know the answer to something, I say so. I am not vain enough about myself to think I have all the knowledge in the world and feel that I can learn something of value from all I come in contact with.


There are some things that should be considered worthy of consultation in a relationship, such as money issues, where to live and how the domestic situation will be conducted.

I hope you get better wenchie..

 

[the captians wench]

I am not a fan of fan clubs, but I do thank you both for making me smile.

Wench, I agree with Minx and Betticus. Talking to Jounar about this seems like a really good idea, doesn't it?

Talking has been commencing....but I don't think he's telling me everything, where as I have not be holding anything back, which one is very unlike me and two most of the time sounds very unlady like.

I think I know what I'm going to do....or not do....bah I don't know.

 

[RJMasters]

The person who says....

I know what is best for you, is usually the last thing you hear before they close the lid and put you in the oven.

 

[RJMasters]

[mini hijack]

I'm slightly embarrassed to sound like a groupie....but what the hell, I think I should start your fan club. [/hijack]

JM hits the three point shots like nobodies business all day long.

 

[Softouch911]

Sorry to hear there's tension.

Of course we all screw up. I count on my girl to help me out -- of her requirements is "transparency." One of the things that means is that she has to say things like "I don't like what you told me to do about ...."

So we're back to communication.

Now I'll also plead guilty to setting her up for a surprise or two on occasion and that falls under the general category of "mind fuck," but your OP doesn't sound like that's what you mean at all.

I hope it's working out by now.
ST

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I can only share what works for me and mine.

I try very hard to NOT suffer from hubris. I know I am not God, I don't play Him on TV or the internet or in my relationships. I'm a terribly flawed human being. I try to consider my partners needs and desires when making decisions, but sometimes I just put my foot down and say "It's what _I_ want, dammit." and the discussion is done.

I don't always presume to make the decision in _her_ best interest. I try to make sure it's in _our_ best interest, but sometimes I'm petty and mean and selfish and fuckit, it's about me.

And so I am perfectly willing to put up with her natural, normal, always human reactions to my occassional assholiness... We don't expect perfection from one another, just love and care, and support, and compassion and fuckups and pissoffs and biteme's and cuddles and snuggles and dingbats and fubars... It's life and we live ours together.

 

[SubKekiLee]

{{{{Wenchie}}}}}}} I am sorry you are hurting here is a HUG for you...

As for me J makes ALOT of my decisions but seemingly he knows when I am not comfortable and he knows when I am unhappy he says he can tell by my voice. I have expressed my disapointment when I am disapointed and I also have told him when I am jealous. so IMO , I am in agreeance with everyone else COMMUNCATION is the KEY

secondly-
I love J Mohegans words WOW!!! Im flat..

 

[BiBunny]

Nope, B. doesn't even begin to make most of my decisions for me. I've known me for 23 years. He's known me for a year and a half. We both know that while he knows a lot about me, I've had far more time to learn things about me than he has.

While I've never owned a sub, I subscribe to this way of thinking myself. If I ever do have a sub of my own, I'll treat him or her the same way B. treats me--let that person make his/her own decisions 95% of the time. The other 5% that I influence would just be things that directly concern me, i.e., not the other person's health, education, family, job, or trifling matters (like clothing or haircuts).

 

[agibean]

I'm fortunate enough to be with someone who realises he is human, and does not know everything, and can't always read my mind to know what it is I need/want though he tries. That being said, he does like to play the game occasionally whereby he is the all knowing one, but he knows that we both know it is not realistic and that it is more an indulgence for the moment. I do think in some part he would like me to be the kind to go with it, but he also wants someone with a brain and he realises the two don't go in the same body/brain so he opts for intelligence and my ability to let him know if he is really off the mark...and then we discuss where to go from there.

I did meet a few before him who insisted that was how it would be and that I had no right to believe they did not know everything and what was best at all times. Regardless to say, I moved on. I just find I can't respect either them or myself if I pretend it is true on a daily basis.

Catalina

I'll just park myself here and nod a lot. Great answer!