Question for Dominants

[willfulbrat]

To what extent do you care about your submissive's feelings? Would you alter your behavior in any way if you knew that you were hurting him or her?

Do you feel like it is the submissive's place to accept whatever you do without question or judgement?

 

[James Blandings]

When I am the dominant partner in a relationship, I take great care to understand and consider my submissive's feelings, although after such consideration, I may on some occasions still go about a course of action with which they do not agree.
But to be careless of a sub's feelings is to me a breech of the trust that must be part of any BDSM relationship. This is especially true in "in scene" situations where she is trusting me with her physical as well as her emotional well being.
I think this speaks to the difference between being dominant and being domineering.
I also think a submissive ought to be free to question a dominant about anything that affects them both, although they may not like the answer they get. But once again, I think that if the sub can not question the Dom's actions, they can not really enter fully into a trusting relationship.

 

[artful]

To what extent do you care about your submissive's feelings? Would you alter your behavior in any way if you knew that you were hurting him or her?

Do you feel like it is the submissive's place to accept whatever you do without question or judgement?

(I would have swore that this thread was started by Shadows or MsWorthy)*chuckle*

Damn good topic brat! Hard to answer though!

Each D/s relationship has it's OWN unique boundaries. What's good for ONE relationship will not necessarily work well with others.

Experience, familiarity between the parties involved,(emotional and physical stresses), all need to be discussed BEFOREHAND. Communication is the KEYWORD here.

Is it a 'scene only', a training period, a negotiated power exchange, a TPE, a 24/7, etc.?

"Hurting a submissive"? What does that mean? How much hurt is TOO much?

For ME, I want to GIVE my sub the OPPORTUNITY to reach out for her limits. I want to give her the FREEDOM to submit. How much of a MASOCHIST is she? Is she EVEN a masochist?

For ME,...it is ALWAYS a control issue. I will be the judge, the jury, AND the executioner. Do I listen and communicate with my sub? Hell yes!

If I don't CONTROL the relationship, direct it, lead her into NEW areas effectively, I will lose her.

My expertise as a Master is on-duty 24/7. I don't know of any other way to live my life. It isn't JUST a matter of performing a *role* for my sub.

It's a matter of being ME,...exerting leadership,
...taking advice from others when I see fit,... learning, growing in areas where I am NOT well versed.

I have never scened with any of my subs in a GROUP setting, though I have done threesomes and orgies.
So I can't really comment about THAT aspect of BDSM. Someday I may.

Before I came to THIS BDSM Forum,...I always said I never would,...kinda funny how an increase in knowledge changes EACH of us in various ways.(LOL)

Thanks again for such an interesting topic,...I hope my post was of SOME value to you.(JMHO)

 

[willfulbrat]

Re: Re: Question for Dominants

Damn good topic brat! Hard to answer though!

Thank you, Artful.

Is it a 'scene only', a training period, a negotiated power exchange, a TPE, a 24/7, etc.?

Our relationship started out as a training period, somewhere a long the line my collar changed from a training collar to a real collar. I don't know if you'd consider it a TPE, but it's close to that. It's hard to classify these things.

"Hurting a submissive"? What does that mean? How much hurt is TOO much?

I was actually referring to emotional pain here. Last night we got into a heated argument about the amount of time He spends playing with other women. We decided to sleep on it, but it doesn't look good. I may be uncollared tomorrow.

For ME,...it is ALWAYS a control issue. I will be the judge, the jury, AND the executioner.

He is all of those things, too. But is there room for compromise? It seems that there is not for us. It's His way or the highway.

Thanks again for such an interesting topic,...I hope my post was of SOME value to you.(JMHO)

You're most welcome. And thank you for replying. It was indeed of value. Maybe i'm wrong to expect Him to compromise in some areas. But i don't think it can go on if He won't. It hurts too much.

 

[willfulbrat]

When I am the dominant partner in a relationship, I take great care to understand and consider my submissive's feelings, although after such consideration, I may on some occasions still go about a course of action with which they do not agree.
But to be careless of a sub's feelings is to me a breech of the trust that must be part of any BDSM relationship. This is especially true in "in scene" situations where she is trusting me with her physical as well as her emotional well being.
I think this speaks to the difference between being dominant and being domineering.
I also think a submissive ought to be free to question a dominant about anything that affects them both, although they may not like the answer they get. But once again, I think that if the sub can not question the Dom's actions, they can not really enter fully into a trusting relationship.

I like your ideas, Mr. Blandings. He asked if i would accept punishment for the way that i questioned Him. I finally said that i would, but i'm don't really think that it's fair. This has been a big blow to the trust in our relationship for both of us. On His part, because i didn't tell Him sooner. On my part, because i'm afraid to tell Him how i feel.

Thanks for your input.

 

[artful]

Re: Re: Re: Question for Dominants

Thank you, Artful.

I was actually referring to emotional pain here. Last night we got into a heated argument about the amount of time He spends playing with other women. We decided to sleep on it, but it doesn't look good. I may be uncollared tomorrow.

You're most welcome. And thank you for replying. It was indeed of value. Maybe i'm wrong to expect Him to compromise in some areas. But i don't think it can go on if He won't. It hurts too much.

There is no way I can advise you on HOW to best enter a COMPROMISE with your Dom,...but it APPEARS there is a NEED for open discussion before the relationship is severed.

REASON being:

You are not SURE what TYPE of relationship you have with him. It appears that you and he have not communicated well BEFOREHAND, and your collaring was taken without a COMPLETE understanding of what it meant to each of you.

It appears the collaring was lightly undertaken by the both of you, and represents little value. (A token event)

I suggest you do your best to INITIATE an OPEN discussion,(where there are NO penalties involved), you can discuss ANY and ALL questions or issues without punishment.

If he doesn't agree to an open discussion prior to action being taken, I think you will have YOUR answer to your dilemna. If he DOES agree, then you have to be totally HONEST about what YOUR hard limits are.

HARD limits are not reserved to physical tolerances,...but also to EMOTIONAL, mental, etc.
Good Luck,...I hope I have helped,...and I hope you know you can find happiness either way,...it's
all up to you and he.

 

[spankableBelle]

Re: Re: Re: Question for Dominants

Thank you, Artful.



[/b]Our relationship started out as a training period, somewhere a long the line my collar changed from a training collar to a real collar. I don't know if you'd consider it a TPE, but it's close to that. It's hard to classify these things.



[/b]I was actually referring to emotional pain here. Last night we got into a heated argument about the amount of time He spends playing with other women. We decided to sleep on it, but it doesn't look good. I may be uncollared tomorrow.





[/b]He is all of those things, too. But is there room for compromise? It seems that there is not for us. It's His way or the highway.



You're most welcome. And thank you for replying. It was indeed of value. Maybe i'm wrong to expect Him to compromise in some areas. But i don't think it can go on if He won't. It hurts too much. [/B]

Oh brat...i know exactly how you feel. Exactly. God, and it does hurt so much. i'm so sorry for your pain. And i don't have anything to add other than my own situation didn't work out... Unfortunately, many of the Doms i have met play with others to their hearts content and it does become a 'My way or the highway'. Some say they do it because they can. Some say it is ridiculous for a sub to think she is special enough for play with others to stop. Some say exclusivity must be earned. And still others say that it is a need they have to have others. i don't think i shall ever understand. i am so sorry one so sweet as you is dealing with such heartache...

i am here for you...

belle

 

[Desdemona]

I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier for you. Artful gave some very sound advice about communication before ending the relationship. I encourage you to have that open dialogue if at all possible. Good luck. I wish you the best.

 

[spankableBelle]

i just wanted to add that i know not all Dom/mes wish to play with others. And i'm not trying to make a huge generalization, just my own experience with the majority of the Doms i have met over the last 18+ months... There have been very few, i could probably count them on one hand, that do not need or desire to play with others... It takes a lot for one to submit and give total trust, and for me, that trust and complete submission has been held back for just that very reason...

Again, brat...i'm sorry for your pain...perhaps all will work out for you, i truly hope that is so...

belle

 

[WriterDom]

These kinds of things need to be agreed upon before you take a collar. But is he punishing you for your manner of questioning or for reevaluating where you stand? Or both?

I'm not going to collar someone over the internet. There has to be a period of flesh to flesh. Much like non-freaks don't get married on the first date. And during that time I might see other subs. But a collar to me is a bond between Dom & sub, not a license for the Dom to do whatever he wants. I'm not being judgmental on poly relationships as long as both are in agreement. There are, however, Doms who are quite happy with an exclusive relationship.

 

[A Desert Rose]

A Silver Lining perhaps?

Speaking as a complete nobody here, I am sorry for what you are going through. And to a degree, I know how you are feeling. I too, had a Dom who felt it was alright to play with others and he knew it was something I dealt with badly.
However, your thread has already been very helpful to me. Reading the Dom's responses has been thought provoking and insightful for me. I only know what I have experienced and learned from my previous and now-absent-from-my life, Dom. Reading the comments from Mr. Blandings and Art has helped me understand the failings of my past Dom and my own, too. I also hope that their insights will help me in the future find a Dom who knows how to be one and help me become a better sub.
So if there is anything good to come out of the difficult time you are going through now, please know that I appreciate this thread and I have felt some of what you are now feeling. I wish you the very best. Thank you again for opening this train of thought.

 

[BBD]

To what extent do you care about your submissive's feelings? Would you alter your behavior in any way if you knew that you were hurting him or her?

Do you feel like it is the submissive's place to accept whatever you do without question or judgement?

Just to add my own two cents based on the additional information that's been provided since the original questions -

I would not alter my behavior if the behavior that is the problem was discussed before the collar came around. Now in the case where something sort of evolved, if I understand the situation here correctly, I might see it differently . However, I wouldn't get into a relationship like that so it's really sort of hypothetical for me.

If you agreed ahead of time to accept this part of him, then yes it is your place to accept it or move on. If not, well...maybe it's just best to move on.

 

[dreamer]

Well, I hardly belong on this board...but I'm open to learning.

First, a great big <hug> for willfulbrat. Ok now that's out of the way.

I think there's a whole different set of 'implied' rules within a BDSM relationship. I don't necessarily agree with this, but that's my impression. I guess this is why it would be so terribly unusual for me to enter into such a situation.

BUT, any two people no matter what the situation, rules, etc...should always have the power to re-negotiate. Maybe I'm showing my naivete here. If it hurts you to know he isn't satisfied with you as the only woman in his life in this way...AND you're not willing to accept that hurt, then I think you need to discuss long term expectations. I can understand the power dynamics that people enjoy being on one side or the other. That makes sense but one thing I cannot imagine is giving up so much power that you don't feel good.

I wish you the best of luck, and happiness...because in the end isn't that what really matters? Being happy with someone no matter how the relationship is defined is what matters.

 

[MsWorthy]

Dreamer, I hope you don't mind my using your post to make my point of view understood. *smiles*

Well, I hardly belong on this board...but I'm open to learning.

First, a great big <hug> for willfulbrat. Ok now that's out of the way.

I think there's a whole different set of 'implied' rules within a BDSM relationship. I don't necessarily agree with this, but that's my impression. I guess this is why it would be so terribly unusual for me to enter into such a situation.

The rules in a bdsm relationship should never be implied. Everyone must make her/his position clear from the beginning. Limits often (almost always) change as a relationship progresses, and re-negotiation should, I think, always be an option.

BUT, any two people no matter what the situation, rules, etc...should always have the power to re-negotiate. Maybe I'm showing my naivete here. If it hurts you to know he isn't satisfied with you as the only woman in his life in this way...AND you're not willing to accept that hurt, then I think you need to discuss long term expectations. I can understand the power dynamics that people enjoy being on one side or the other. That makes sense but one thing I cannot imagine is giving up so much power that you don't feel good.

As I stated above, I think the opportunity to re-negotiate should be available (perhaps, after a scheduled set of time, ie. every 3 or 6 months with a new relationship, and once a year thereafter). I also think it is a good idea to allow re-negotiation at any time one partner feels unhappy, frustrated, depressed, or unfulfilled for longer than a few days. Obviously, a dom/me doesn't want to have every little discomfort discussed and seen as a reason for re-negotiation, but if the feelings of discontent last for longer than a month something is seriously amiss in the relationship, and it needs to be taken seriously.

I wish you the best of luck, and happiness...because in the end isn't that what really matters? Being happy with someone no matter how the relationship is defined is what matters.

Being happy is the point, and presumably the reason for the joining/collaring. This is why it is so important that you find someone who is a good match for you before making a commitment. Hard limits should be automatic strikes against a person (not personally, just as a potential mate for you) no matter how much you like/love them, and no matter how well they suit you in other ways. If having your partner play with others creates such unhappiness in you, Willful, I would guess that anything other than monogamy is a hard limit for you. Honor your needs and requirements. Don't try to bend in a way that creates lasting discontent/unhappiness. Doing so will only leave both of you disatisfied.

*If this about playing with others online, I have been through it and may be able to help you, Willful, if you care to elaborate.


GENERAL UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Know your hard limits before you commit/collar, and don't accept anything less than what you need. Remember that not everyone wants/needs/is ready to make a monogamous commitment. This choice/life stage should be included in your limits one way or the other.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

love this

bump

 

[artful]

Brat

I'm kind of concerned about your absence on this thread. I hope you are ok. Did anything get resolved? Did you and your Dom have an open discussion? What happened?

 

[lasavane]

Well, i'm not a Dom, but i think renegotiation is the key here. You said you had been unable to tell him how you felt, and if he didn't know how you felt, then he was not trying to cause a problem.

i believe many subs have this problem and like belle said it is one of the obstacles to my total submission. In my relationship, which may be different from yours as we are married and it *is* a love relationship which i know not all D/s relationships are, it is not a matter of i don't want this and submitting him regardless of how he uses that information, it is an outright no. i do not submit in this regard, and it is one of the few things i don't submit to. And, i do understand his point of view in that sometimes i too would like to play with someone else, but i cannot help but feel that it would dilute our relationship for one or both of us to play outside of it. i feel very strong emotions when we play and sometimes for a long time after. To share those emotions with another, to me at least, would make our connection less important.

You need to let your Dom know what you need, and if he is unable to fill those needs, then maybe he is not the Dom for you. Perhaps that sounds unsubmissive, but my experience has been that being submissive itself is a need, just as he has a need to be Dominant. The whole point of a D/s relationship is to fulfill those needs within your limits. i know i have limits that if breeched would cause me to leave my relationship, they just happen to be the same as his except for this one. As i see it, this is just another form of a limit. i mean if one of your limits is say scat (as it is for me and most people), would you do it just because he wanted to? i really don't see much of a difference here other than many Doms play outside of their main relationship, so it is more excepted and some see it as their right. But, a Dom never has a right to exceed a hard limit regardless of what it is. If he doesn't like your limits, then he should not have collared you. If he doesn't know this is a limit for you, you have to tell him. Is there a compromise you could live with? If not, you need a Dom who is not bothered by your limits and he needs a sub that is not bothered by his needs (if this is indeed a need).

lasavane

 

[Andreina]

To what extent do you care about your submissive's feelings? Would you alter your behavior in any way if you knew that you were hurting him or her?

Do you feel like it is the submissive's place to accept whatever you do without question or judgement?

Yes, I would alter my behaviour towards him/her if I was knowingly hurting him mentally. In my opinion the dom/me carries a big deal of responsibility - one of which is the sub's wellbeing.

 

[willfulbrat]

Re: Brat

I'm kind of concerned about your absence on this thread. I hope you are ok. Did anything get resolved? Did you and your Dom have an open discussion? What happened?

He uncollared me. By email. There was no discussion, just dismissal. Evidently, sharing my feelings was a bad move.

To all of the kind people who've posted, i'll try to come back and respond personally to each of you when my world stabilizes a bit. Thank you for the hugs. Love you guys.

 

[artful]

Re: Re: Brat

He uncollared me. By email. There was no discussion, just dismissal. Evidently, sharing my feelings was a bad move.

To all of the kind people who've posted, i'll try to come back and respond personally to each of you when my world stabilizes a bit. Thank you for the hugs. Love you guys.

Sharing ones feelings,...their emotions,...is never a bad move, (in and of ITSELF), sometimes we choose the wrong person to do this with. I don't know much about your relationship, but communication, honesty, and trust must prevail in any that are worthwhile.

I am so sorry to hear communication wasn't allowed before he took action. Unlike many others, I believe the ending of a BDSM relationship online CAN be extremely difficult to bear.

Though fantasy does play a large part in most of them, it is REAL people interacting, and REAL emotions are involved. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but it's STILL real people.

People who have hopes and dreams, should be able to pursue those hopes and dreams however they wish, without being looked down upon by those who have experienced satisfaction in those areas in the real world.

We care for you Brat,...come back to us when you are ready,...there are many women here who would be able to help you in a PM,...so don't be afraid to counsel with them.

Cya later,...Your Friend,...............Art

 

[Desdemona]

Brat, I am so very sorry it came to this. Unfortunately, I know how this sort of thing hurts. If you want to talk, I'm here. des

 

[Daedalus77]

How much did you know about him?

First let me say I don't agree with your exdom's style but not with his desire to make his bdsm his own. I wonder how much thought you gave to his style before you allowed yourself to be collared. Did you think you could change him? One thing that bothered me was when you said "somewhere along the way my training collar became a real collar". Maybe it's just me but my lady knew when I collared her because it was a major event for both of us.

Please don't think I'm saying it's all your fault, I think it's good the relationship is over, but next time recall your mistakes so you can find a dom that matches your needs. In my case my sub asks to speak freely and nothing she says will get her in trouble or be remembered later.

Happy Hunting and I'm sorry it really sucks right now.

 

[DustyWolfe]

Re: Re: Brat

He uncollared me. By email. There was no discussion, just dismissal. Evidently, sharing my feelings was a bad move.

To all of the kind people who've posted, i'll try to come back and respond personally to each of you when my world stabilizes a bit. Thank you for the hugs. Love you guys.

My dear dear friend,
I wish there was something I could do to make things better. If my financial status was better I would fly down there and try to help you feel better. I know this has been a long time in the coming but I knew something was going to happen. There was something not right about him that I noticed from the very beginning. Like perhaps him being more submissive than switch. I noticed that right off.

Beware of submissive's in Domme's clothing.

Love you brat, please return to us.

 

[CarolineOh]

Re: Re: Brat

He uncollared me. By email. There was no discussion, just dismissal. Evidently, sharing my feelings was a bad move.

To all of the kind people who've posted, i'll try to come back and respond personally to each of you when my world stabilizes a bit. Thank you for the hugs. Love you guys.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

[mskittykatt]

i am sorry for your pain brat. i do hope that you can use the intensity and reality of your feeling right now to better define your needs and desires and move forward free from the doubts that surround a break up.