question about a poem of mine

[WickedEve]

I received feedback from "anonymous" on my poem, You Have One Minute Remaininghttp://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29885. The person said that my rhyme scheme sounded ridiculous. In this poem, I rhyme the 1st, 2nd and 4th line in each stanza. Is this not an acceptable rhyme scheme? Or does this rhyme scheme ruin a poem? This is not a serious poem, so I didn't think rhyming hurt it.

This person said that I shouldn't rhyme at all, or at least not use AA, BB, CC, etc. I didn't think I was using that in this poem.

Anyway, there's a lot I still don't understand about poetry and it is frustrating to get feedback that tells me my poetry is goofy, and my rhyme scheme ruins it, and makes it sound truly ridiculous, and then not give me any other details.

I'm not really sure what I did "wrong" with this poem. Can someone help?

 

[daughter]

how rhyme affects a read

WE--

I love a good rhyme. What I read most often is doggerel. The biggest problem I see poets making with rhyme is that the subject matter often doesn't match the tone a simple rhyme pattern renders or the rhyme creates a pace that is ill-matched with the subject. To futher exaserbate the problem of pace, a novice will couple a scheme of aa bb with lines that are short. The result is a frenzied, choppy, read. Pace determines tone and intensity. If you're reading quickly what effect does it have on you?

I understand you meant this poem to be light. And while you varied the pattern, the line length and construction likely irritated the reader more than anything else. It reads quickly and has the air "this is no big deal". Unfortunately, that feeling may be overwhelming the poem. The reader may have felt after reading this, "So what?"

Read the work out loud and become analytical. Ask yourself how the things you employed in the poem affect it. Some questions: Are my word choices giving me the greatest impact? Is there too much eye movement(short lines mean we will have rapid eye movement down the page)? How does that make me feel? Enunicating words affect how we enjoy a work. Do the words roll easily off the tongue? How do they feel when I say them? Do I have to take time enunicating? What effect does that have? Do I understand the meaning of the words? How many times do I want to send the reader to the dictionary? Will the reader feel like I'm dumming the poem down with third grade words and patterns?

Poetry is more than emotions. Reading it is as physical as it is mental. Poetry is to be spoken out loud. It affects our sight, muscles movement, mental processes.

I know I said a lot. Take what makes sense and don't worry about the rest. Things have a way of coming around when we need them.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

daughter

What you've just told me is really going to help with a new poem I've been working on. I thought the lines were too short, and so I've lengthened them. I've read it both ways and I see how the longer lines do sound better.
I think some of my poems do read too fast. I didn't see that before.

Thanks daughter

 

[daughter]

If I could remember which one

WE--

Girl, I rarely have an original insight on this stuff. I worried the crap out of my mentors. You'll have to thank them.

Glad that helped.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Otzchiim]

<<I received feedback from "anonymous" on my poem, You Have One MinuteRemaining. The person said that my rhyme scheme sounded ridiculous. In this poem, I rhyme the 1st, 2nd and 4th line in each stanza. Is this not an acceptable rhyme scheme? Or does this rhyme scheme ruin a poem? This is not a serious poem, so I didn't think rhyming hurt it.>>
Nonsense. This is one of the standard forms -- or let's say if there is anything wrong with that you have a lot of distinguished company, including I believe Francois Villon.