queer eye for the straight lie

[BlueskyBeauty]

ok..i cleaned it up abit..
i know it's got a few rhymes, they weren't really intentional but i like them in there kinda spuratic..is that a no no or does it really feel forced?

it doesn't when i read it, but i wrote it so give me some feedback please.

i cut out a good deal, i'm afraid if i cut out much more it'll lose the effect , but i'm open for suggestions please?

ty people!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
spoken lies
that held no power
to your eyes,
that pierced my
mystery.

you saw the way
my hunger grazed
sensual curves, eyes
undressed and fed my
sweet seductions,

seeking the forbidden.

one day unsuspecting,
your brilliance
caged my contradiction.

no place to run,
your body pressed me in
pinned my truth
to bedroom wall.
eyes engaging on my
secret.

your palms outstretched
held me captive,
forcing breathlessness
to rise,
swallowing the lies,
you saw through hungered tremble.

my heartbeat thunder
as lips drew near,
mine watered with arousal,
then opened their
surrender.

warm breath bathed
my tongue,
as body shivered,
in silence my
chin quivered,
begging for that kiss.

tornado flurry
blew me windless,
straight turned and left your
devastation.

me quite undone,
you stood there
laughing
told me to sell the
world my lies
no longer were you buying.

years would pass
before I'd prove
how right you were.

I smile now
remembering, you
turned away, teasing with your
truthful lips,

left me whispering,
"I'm straight god dammit"

 

[tungtied2u]

I think you really improved it Bluesky.
My only comment is you might change forcing and swallowing, to forced and swallowed. I think the tense is more consisitent that way.

Otherwise, good work ! I enjoyed it more 2nd time around.

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

thanks tt, i was warned about that and still missed it..i'll fix it!

what about the rhyme, is it so obvious it seems forced or is it distracting? anna hun..explain to me why i shouldn't use it..or anybody.

 

[tungtied2u]

thanks tt, i was warned about that and still missed it..i'll fix it!

what about the rhyme, is it so obvious it seems forced or is it distracting? anna hun..explain to me why i shouldn't use it..or anybody.

I had it pointed out to me once that rhyme can introduce a certain rhythm which may be counterproductive to the meaning or desired effect of the poem.
Usually this is caused by consistent rhyme- which I don't feel is an issue with your re-write. And as all rules, you can sometimes use the rhyming effect to set up a certain irony- at counterpoint to the poem's meaning.
And sometimes the rhyme just works. (have I covered myself well enough )

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

is that why i should maybe get rid of it in the 1st stanza? is it setting the reader up to be expecting more?

ahh there is a certain rhythm thats broken with the next stanza..

to me it didn't feel distracting..is it though?

ty tt

 

[tungtied2u]

is that why i should maybe get rid of it in the 1st stanza? is it setting the reader up to be expecting more?

ahh there is a certain rhythm thats broken with the next stanza..

to me it didn't feel distracting..is it though?

ty tt

I don't find it distracting. But I did notice on my last read through you had used the word lies 3 times. Maybe you could find a substitute for one of them, to cut on the repitition.

What do you think?

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

I don't find it distracting. But I did notice on my last read through you had used the word lies 3 times. Maybe you could find a substitute for one of them, to cut on the repitition.

What do you think?

4 if you count the title

i'll see what i can do to remedy that.

ty tt

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

spoken lies
that held no power
to your eyes,
that pierced my
mystery.

you saw the way
my hunger grazed
sensual curves, eyes
undressed and fed my
sweet seductions,

seeking the forbidden.

one day unsuspecting,
your brilliance
caged my contradiction.

no place to run,
your body pressed me in
pinned my truth
to bedroom wall.
eyes engaging on my
secret.

your palms outstretched
held me captive,
forcing breathlessness
to rise,
swallowing the lies,
you saw through hungered tremble.

my heartbeat thunder
as lips drew near,
mine watered with arousal,
then opened their
surrender.

warm breath bathed
my tongue,
as body shivered,
in silence my
chin quivered,
begging for that kiss.

tornado flurry
blew me windless,
straight turned and left your
devastation.

me quite undone,
you stood there
laughing
told me to sell the
world my refusal
no longer were you buying.

years would pass
before I'd prove
how right you were.

I smile now
remembering, you
turned away, teasing with your
truthful lips,

left me whispering,
"I'm straight god dammit"

 

[tungtied2u]

spoken lies
that held no power
to your eyes,
that pierced my
mystery.

you saw the way
my hunger grazed
sensual curves, eyes
undressed and fed my
sweet seductions,

seeking the forbidden.

one day unsuspecting,
your brilliance
caged my contradiction.

no place to run,
your body pressed me in
pinned my truth
to bedroom wall.
eyes engaging on my
secret.

your palms outstretched
held me captive,
forcing breathlessness
to rise,
swallowing the lies,
you saw through hungered tremble.

my heartbeat thunder
as lips drew near,
mine watered with arousal,
then opened their
surrender.

warm breath bathed
my tongue,
as body shivered,
in silence my
chin quivered,
begging for that kiss.

tornado flurry
blew me windless,
straight turned and left your
devastation.

me quite undone,
you stood there
laughing
told me to sell the
world my refusal
no longer were you buying.

years would pass
before I'd prove
how right you were.

I smile now
remembering, you
turned away, teasing with your
truthful lips,

left me whispering,
"I'm straight god dammit"

That's just yummy. Nice work Bluesky.