Qualified?

[zuzub]

OK, so I'm just starting. I can read, I can look at pictures but ultimately the only way I'm gonna know if I like this, is by trying it.

I don't really have a lot to offer in this dept. Zero experience, bad attitude, mouthy, unclear about what works, unclear whether anything will work for that matter...

I've reconnected with someone I knew to be a Dom long before I would admit any interest.

It's fun talking to him, but he just throws everything back into my court.
I dunno, maybe it's because I'm new and he's trying to get a feel for what I'm into. Problem is, I won't really know until I try.

I find it frustrating. A certain amount of query is fine, but I'm looking for someone to take the lead here. Wild guess on my part - but I'm pretty sure most of you understand what beginner stuff looks like. If I have to spell it out for him, then I'm gonna have to whip HIS ass.

This DOES NOT help me learn to take a back seat. It makes me want to use my beautiful BCBG stilettos on his ass.

So how much qualification should there be? Right now I'm underqualified and undersexed. Don't you guys have some kind of affirmative action plan for that?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I've reconnected with someone I knew to be a Dom long before I would admit any interest.

If he's in the same physical locale, go to a munch with him. i'm suggesting taking him with rather than a solo flight for a reason.

... but he just throws everything back into my court.
I dunno, maybe it's because I'm new and he's trying to get a feel for what I'm into. Problem is, I won't really know until I try.

It's all part of the communication process, and actually polite after a fashion. When you lost your virginity, did you and your partner decide to start out with you on top, missionary, or you on your hands and knees?

So how much qualification should there be? Right now I'm underqualified and undersexed. Don't you guys have some kind of affirmative action plan for that?

i'll counter with what constitutes ready for sex of any type?

 

[zuzub]

If he's in the same physical locale, go to a munch with him. i'm suggesting taking him with rather than a solo flight for a reason.It's all part of the communication process, and actually polite after a fashion. When you lost your virginity, did you and your partner decide to start out with you on top, missionary, or you on your hands and knees?i'll counter with what constitutes ready for sex of any type?

Not in the same locale, but I have no illusions about going solo anytime soon.

Re: virginity. Um no. We barely grasped metric.

I'm not saying I'm not ready but it seems to be a concern for others. Well, other then.

Hmm, maybe if he had Winnie's liability waiver, he'd be a little less of a COMPLETE PUSSY ASS. Sorry, don't deal with frustration...

 

[zuzub]

I don't know. I just think he should ante up with something. If I don't like it or it really freaks me, I'll let him know. Use a little common sense - I'm basically on bdsm Sesame Street. Flog me with a rubber ducky and we'll see how it goes. <grin>

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Not in the same locale, but I have no illusions about going solo anytime soon.

Actually, you should be able to go solo to any reputable munch if you wish. Adding the proposed partner was an ice breaker and an opportunity for him to see you react/listen/perk-up without having to ask you direct questions. Consider it a duck blind for the guy.

Re: virginity. Um no. We barely grasped metric.

It wasn't a dip for info, but rather a how did you get past the "ok, let's do it," to the actual doing.

I'm not saying I'm not ready but it seems to be a concern for others.

This ain't BASE jumping, unless you want it to be. i'd suggest crawl, walk, run; but that's a pun waiting to happen.

Hmm, maybe if he had Winnie's liability waiver, he'd be a little less of a COMPLETE PUSSY ASS. Sorry, don't deal with frustration...

Winnie's liability waiver won't save him were he to start flogging you, you have a melt-down, the wrong people get called, you not explain quickly enough ... and the snowball continues rolling downhill.

A quick google found this: http://www.vancouverdungeon.com/index.php/?cat=1

Attending one of their munches, finding your comfort level, and getting an idea on "voyeur rules" opens you to this: http://www.vancouverdungeon.com/index.php/?cat=1#Vancouver_Dungeon_Play_Party i'm not suggesting you go in looking for an ass whipping. i'm also not advocating taking advantage of the opportunity as a gawk fest if the other participants frown on that sort of thing. However, if the rest don't have a problem, and you're circumspect to a degree, seeing/hearing/smelling from a distance might help determine what flips what switch for you.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... Flog me with a rubber ducky and we'll see how it goes. <grin>

OMG! You are one kinky little newbie, aren't you? ? ?

But, being the kind-hearted sadisic bastard that I am, that can be negotiated.

Though I think perhaps the stuffed teddy-bear might be easier to start with being less intense than the stingy rubber ducky...

 

[Chicklet]

I suggest filling out a checklist with what you're most *interested* in - maybe not the things that you know you like or don't know you like, but what things you definitely don't want to try, and which things you want to try the most. then ask him to start working through the list from A to Z and let you re-do it whenever you experience something new.

plus it probably gets him off on some level knowing he's just frustrating you - funny thing about dominants, they seem to looooove frustrating submissives

 

[FurryFury]

You can find people who will just plunge in but they won't be the people you can truly trust to make intelligent and safe decisions about all this.

Communication about the things you don't think you'd ever want to try, the things you think you might want to try if and what those if's are and the things you REALLY want to try are essential. This person is to be commended for wanting more communication I'd say.

Also, it would be good to perhaps know his hard and soft limits and also what he is REALLY into.

A BDSM interest survey and then discussion for both of you is a good way to start.

Also if he is unsure of his Dom abilities, and you are unsure about your sub abilities it could help everyone to have a safe word system set up between you.

To expect him to just take over with little communication is an understandable wish but not a wise one.

Fury

 

[Sir_Winston54]

...but ultimately the only way I'm gonna know if I like this, is by trying it.

...unclear about what works, unclear whether anything will work for that matter...

You're absolutely right that the only way you'll know if you like this is by trying it. As far as "what works" (for you), a good place to start is by reviewing one of the better checklists (see CM for listing of the good ones) and seeing what piques your interest. Those activities would likely be a good starting point.

I've reconnected with someone I knew to be a Dom long before I would admit any interest.

It's fun talking to him, but he just throws everything back into my court.
I dunno, maybe it's because I'm new and he's trying to get a feel for what I'm into. Problem is, I won't really know until I try.

Once you go over checklist (see above), you'll have some answers that will help guide him as to your interests, and help him determine if there is sufficient match or overlap in your (plural) interests to get together and try a few things.

I find it frustrating. A certain amount of query is fine, but I'm looking for someone to take the lead here. Wild guess on my part - but I'm pretty sure most of you understand what beginner stuff looks like. If I have to spell it out for him, then I'm gonna have to whip HIS ass.

Refer to my previous paragraph. If he is experienced in the culture, it's not that he doesn't know what "beginner stuff looks like;" it's that he doesn't know what you are interesting in beginning with.

So how much qualification should there be? Right now I'm underqualified and undersexed. Don't you guys have some kind of affirmative action plan for that?

Re "qualifications:" Red flags: Someone says he's 35 and has 25 years of experience. Someone 21 claims expertise in a vast number of specialized activities (flogging, caning, fire play, wax play, knife play, needle {or other blood} play, blah, blah, blah). It's possible he/she started out really young and studied hard with some good teachers - but not common for someone that age. The best way to determine a potential Dom/me's qualifications is to meet with them in a quiet but public setting, to sit down and discuss your needs and their interests. Listen to what they have to say, and how well they listen to you about your needs and interests.

Someone who tells you off the bat that they know what you need just by looking at you or hearing your voice (!) is batshit and qualified only to be domineering, not Dominant. Someone who tells you, after you've described your needs and interests, that they know better than you do about those needs/interests, is also batshit and qualified only to be domineering, not Dominant.

Re: affirmative action plan. Get in touch with a local group that has regular munches. Correspond with them for at least a couple of weeks, via e-mail, IM or telephone, to determine if the person with whom you're speaking - and by extension, the group he/she represents - is appropriate for you to be interested in. (BTW, if you're pyl, it's often more comfortable - for both sides - to speak with another pyl concerning these issues, and PYL to PYL if you're on "that side of the whip.")

Since munches are usually "civilian dress," in a public setting (though usually in a private room), it's a good way to meet people in the area who are in the culture without much, if any, sexual/pairing pressure. If you find the group generally compatible socially in the munch setting, and they have meetings other than the munches where there are discussions of culture topics, and/or demonstrations of various activities, after a couple or three munches, begin attending those meetings.

Best of luck to you in your search!
Edited to note: Sure, while I'm typing out this book, everyone else jumps in with quickie answers to cover many of the same ideas!

 

[zuzub]

Actually, you should be able to go solo to any reputable munch if you wish. .

Damn right, I should. What are they?

It wasn't a dip for info, but rather a how did you get past the "ok, let's do it," to the actual doing..

At that age, there's not a lot of thinking. Sometimes I think being 15-16-17 is about as bestial as you can get.

This ain't BASE jumping, unless you want it to be. i'd suggest crawl, walk, run; but that's a pun waiting to happen.

I concede your point. I have always been an impatient one.

Winnie's liability waiver won't save him were he to start flogging you, you have a melt-down, the wrong people get called, you not explain quickly enough ... and the snowball continues rolling downhill.

Groan. Cringe. Hideous mental picture. Point once again FULLY conceded. You must be good at tennis.

<smile> Thank you for your insight.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

<smile> Thank you for your insight.

Quite welcome Ducky.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[zuzub]

Get in touch with a local group that has regular munches.

That's good advice but I just remembered that I'm a complete chicken. An impatient, mouthy one. It's a special recipe, all right.

There's no chance I would go to one of these things without someone to hide behind. I'm not normally a wallflower <giggle> but if I'm going to Mars, I want a fucking Cosmonaut along for the ride, you know?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Where the hell is sincerely_helene?

 

[zuzub]

You can find people who will just plunge in but they won't be the people you can truly trust to make intelligent and safe decisions about all this.

Communication about the things you don't think you'd ever want to try, the things you think you might want to try if and what those if's are and the things you REALLY want to try are essential. This person is to be commended for wanting more communication I'd say.

Also, it would be good to perhaps know his hard and soft limits and also what he is REALLY into.

A BDSM interest survey and then discussion for both of you is a good way to start.

Also if he is unsure of his Dom abilities, and you are unsure about your sub abilities it could help everyone to have a safe word system set up between you.

To expect him to just take over with little communication is an understandable wish but not a wise one.

Fury

Thank you Furry. This is all excellent advice for the right man, but upon reflection, I'm just not that into him.

I will, however, keep this to guide me in other ventures. <smile>

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FurryFury]

Where the hell is sincerely_helene?

Just ducking around?

*remembers the av*

I dunno! I miss her!

Thank you Furry. This is all excellent advice for the right man, but upon reflection, I'm just not that into him.

I will, however, keep this to guide me in other ventures. <smile>

I hope you get a chance soon! With someone you are that into!

*smiles*

Fury

 

[graceanne]

I haven't seen her for ages... like months at least.

I think it's been longer than that.

 

[zuzub]

If *I* (miss does best in small intimate groups) can go to a munch solo, you can.

No. Can't. <snivel, clings to imaginary space/kink guy> Or girl. Not picky about solid backup.

 

[zuzub]

No. Can't. <snivel, clings to imaginary space/kink guy> Or girl. Not picky about solid backup.

OK, so this is going to take longer than yesterday.

Thx for time & patience.

me attached.

 

[zuzub]

me attached.

Err, is this appropriate here?

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Err, is this appropriate here?

I'm not going to complain! *weg*

 

[zuzub]

I'm not going to complain! *weg*

What *weg*?

 

[satindesire]

Honestly, the only piece of advice I think I have that's worth anything at all, is to just be honest with yourself. As a young Christian woman raised in a pretty strict household, my parents were very overprotective of me...but they always taught me that sex wasn't dirty, or something to be afraid of...but a beautiful expression of love and pleasure that was God's greatest gift to us.

Not everyone feels the same way I do, but that helped me to come to terms with my 'weird' fantasies and desires, and I slowly began to understand that being kinky and having a kinky lifestyle will only be healthy until you just admit to yourself all those deep dark secrets and be okay with them.

Communication with myself was the #1 first step for me, because how was I supposed to ask my PYL for something when I didn't even want to admit I wanted it? It led to many unfulfilled nights and many failed relationships. If you want to find a pyl/PYL that suits you, you have to get to know yourself first.

My PM box is always open. I was a newbie, too, not to long ago ...and even though I don't post all the time, I visit daily and read almost everything and would be more than happy to lend a sympathetic or compassionate ear anytime you want to talk.