Q: Married men

Aphrodisiac

doing laundry
Joined
Sep 24, 2001
Posts
8,618
To the married men out there , here is some thing I am wondering about ....

Last summer a male friend of mine got married, and his wife is nice and I have met her once or twice before...

My question is ... my friend now since he got married is not " allowed " to hang out with me anymore. We used to go drinking, used to go have lunch, and I would go over to his house and watch movies...etc...
There has never ever been anything sexual between us, we are simply friends. We have never been intrested in one another in that way ... but now his wife does not like for me to call him or go out with him.

I understand he is married now and his main priority is his wife. But its not like I call him 24/7 or anything along those lines. I just want to go get a drink or some thing like we used to ...

I am just wondering how many married men out there had to give up a female friend because the wife did not approve of them going out together.



I hope my question makes some sense. :)
 
Your question makes tons of sense.

If the wife is insecure about her man, then that's her problem. It shouldn't have to be yours too and it shouldn't affect your relationship with her hubby. She's just being selfish.

Now, the married men can answer . . . :D
 
That's why I would prefer my wife be bisexual or at least that we would have many mutual female friends.
 
I know where your at. I've had the same problem with guys that I have been friends with getting married and all of a sudden we can't spend time together anymore....their wives say no.

I sort of understand why the wives don't want their husbands spending time alone with a female, so I've gone out of my way to invite both of them...that way the wife gets to know that I have no designs on their man. Now I am sometimes lucky enough to see them without their wives - but not all that often as it seems the wives the wives feel 'threatened' by me.
 
sorry another female answering - but really I also do not get this. I am quite happy to have my husband interact with other women. It helps him see my points if he can talk about shit with other women. Would never place sucvh restrictions on him.
 
Aphro, is that you in that av? If so, the wife has every right to keep you away.
 
My advice is to find a man who has the time and attention to give you. Very few wives can handle the competition you are providing. Even if she completely trusts her husband, she has no reason to trust you.

What do you "supply" to the guy that the new wife cannot? I'm asking why the husband would prefer to go out with you rather than with his wife? If there is a reason he would prefer to be out drinking with you, then there is a pretty good chance the wife really does have something to worry about.

just one old married man's thoughts
 
Of course that is saying a lot that a spouse should provide the emotional needs of every single person in your life and that you shouldn't need anyone else besides them. It's not exactly fair.
 
The times I have called him , his wife will answer the phone and she tells me he is not there and I know he is home ... because he has told me when to call but I respect her wishes and simply ask her to leave him a message that I called ... I know she does not give him the messages I leave him.

I also invite her and have always made an effort even before they got married.

I just don't see why she would not like me , like I said before there is nothing between us and she knows that ... and besides I am not a " threating " kind of woman ... at least I don't think I am ... I am way to simple.

But it just makes me a little blue that our friendship is going to be lost ... I have not seen him in the longest time.
 
A formerly married man stepping up to the plate.....

When my female friends learned I was going to get married, they shut down the friendship before I really understood what was going on.

Then, once well into the marriage, I understood they had simply done what she expected. She expected to be the only woman in my life.

It also helped make sense why a guy ends up running off with one of his wife's best friends....about the only female contact he's allowed to have.

Sure made it hell being single again. Essentially minimal contact with women for nearly a decade. Still working on that part of life.
 
Aphrodisiac...sounds like me with the roles reversed.

i think it boils down to insecurities. my friend had to give up her friends she used to go out with once the boyfriend came around.

he damn near shit when she told him that her and i were going away on a cruise to the caribbean for a week and that the plans were made before he came involved. hehehe

it is nothing you have done...it is just the girlfriends insecurities coming out and she is worried. i dont understand why people cannot have friends of the opposite sex without others becoming worried and start thinking "something" is going on.

Hugs!
 
Marxist said:
Aphro, is that you in that av? If so, the wife has every right to keep you away.


Yes, that is me in my av ... but you know I tend to put on a tshirt when I go out ... so he does not see what you are seeing... :)
 
Someones been talking to my wife again.

I had a friend from years ago, long before i ever met my wife(soon to be ex). I had told her about this friend long ago. But when I got a call from her, wanting to hire me to do some work for her and her husband who I've also known for years, she freaked.

I ended up doing the work but man did I have to hear it. She got together with some of her old friendsand I didn't lose it. I've always said, "I'll trust you til you prove to me I can't. Then I will never trust you again." Real plain, real simple.
 
Texan said:

What do you "supply" to the guy that the new wife cannot? I'm asking why the husband would prefer to go out with you rather than with his wife? If there is a reason he would prefer to be out drinking with you, then there is a pretty good chance the wife really does have something to worry about.

just one old married man's thoughts

I dunno, Texan. My hubby and I enjoy different things in our free time, so we have separate friends. When he told me he was going to a ball game with his newly divorced female friend with whom he shares a lot of interests, I had a momentary eyebrow-raise. Then I realized that I'd do anything not to sit through a baseball game outside in the August sun and shrugged and told him to have a good time.

My husband has a lot of female friends. I have a few male friends. It's just never been an issue with us.
 
Texan said:
My advice is to find a man who has the time and attention to give you. Very few wives can handle the competition you are providing. Even if she completely trusts her husband, she has no reason to trust you.

What do you "supply" to the guy that the new wife cannot? I'm asking why the husband would prefer to go out with you rather than with his wife? If there is a reason he would prefer to be out drinking with you, then there is a pretty good chance the wife really does have something to worry about.

just one old married man's thoughts


Texan,

I do have other male friends and the thing if I would like to keep our friendship. We met one summer during summer classes and we were inseparable the whole time. He is just a wonderful friend and the thing that I " supply " to him is just my friendship and sense of humor. We have the same sense of humor and we are always laughing.



I guess once one marrys certain things must change.
 
Give that man a Cerute!

Originally posted by batter
i think it boils down to insecurities

This is really a no brainer. Although I'd be interested in why she is so insecure. Or is he maybe a bit afraid??????
 
Sounds to me like he just wants to keep the wife happy.
NB- Unhappy Wife = Unhappy Life
Also, I mean, if she isn't giving him the messages, he may think that Aph. cooled off the relationship.
 
Both sides...

peachykeen said:
sorry another female answering - but really I also do not get this. I am quite happy to have my husband interact with other women. It helps him see my points if he can talk about shit with other women. Would never place sucvh restrictions on him.


peachy,

Its okay ... I would like to hear what both men and women think about this topic.

It would provide me with more insight into my question. :)

And, it would be nice if my friend's wife would not place restrictions on him and let him be friends with other females. :)
 
Nora said:


I dunno, Texan. My hubby and I enjoy different things in our free time, so we have separate friends. When he told me he was going to a ball game with his newly divorced female friend with whom he shares a lot of interests, I had a momentary eyebrow-raise. Then I realized that I'd do anything not to sit through a baseball game outside in the August sun and shrugged and told him to have a good time.

My husband has a lot of female friends. I have a few male friends. It's just never been an issue with us.

Hello Nora,

I didn't mean to post the "definitive" rules for married folks. I was just offering a way that Aphrodisiac might better understand the new wife.

After my post, Aphr... posted that she had also tried to befriend the new wife. That is definately the best way to handle things. But if the new wife doesn't want the old female friend around, then it's better to just leave things alone. It sounds like there is little Aphr can do but create problems between her friend and his new wife.
 
Mona said:
Sounds to me like he just wants to keep the wife happy.
NB- Unhappy Wife = Unhappy Life
Also, I mean, if she isn't giving him the messages, he may think that Aph. cooled off the relationship.


Mona,

I know he wants to keep his wife happy.. but its sad to lose him as a friend.


And he probably does think I don't want to hang out with him because she never gives him my messages. One time I called his cell and she answered it ... so again my message never got to him...
 
Texan said:

That is definately the best way to handle things. But if the new wife doesn't want the old female friend around, then it's better to just leave things alone. It sounds like there is little Aphr can do but create problems between her friend and his new wife.


I don't want to create problems with him and his wife... and I am going to leave things well enough alone.
 
She answered his cell phone! Whoa, she's gunning for you.
Sooner or later though, he's going to have to stand up to her and her selfish ways.
All you can do now is just be there to offer support when the chips fall.
 
Aphrodisiac dear...

In the first years of marrage the woman and sometimes the man feel jealous, inadequate, intimidated or insecure( and a few other reasons that escape me) there is a bonding process that's not in the marrage handbook that goes on. Also there is a power struggle for dominance too. Once both parties realize that the other isn't going anywhere, then and only then is it "ok" to hang out with friends. However, this ruins any former relations of friends, sometimes, and is a que for the "enemy" to stay away.

Reassurance means that something is going on and so does denial. CATCH 22! So either be patient untill the NEW wears off or find a new friend!

That's just how it is! Sorry.

My marrage is unique that I don't have any REAL FRIENDS, but my wife does. There was a bit of jealousy when I met her girlfriend of several years. But time has revealed no threat! (She's not my type)

The only thing I can suggest is to have a girls night out with the friends wife with other women(be conservitive in the place you go) and get to know her and lether know that he's just a buddy, not a lover!

Good luck!


:)
 
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