Putting myself on the line

[Cyn]

Offering my story for your critique, the good and the bad. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42978

Kisses
Cyn

 

[Alex De Kok]

Cyn,

your link is wrong - there's an 'id' missing! The correct link is http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42978

Although it seems quite interesting, I'm sorry, but I find present tense a big turn-off, so I didn't finish.

Alex

 

[Impetus]

I didn't know first person stories could be a turn-off. Learned something new.

It was a pretty arousing story, kudos for that. The thing I'd work on would be the voice of the story. The way you're writing the story, the sexy, slinky, seductress kind of way, is good and effective, but some of your word choice is like a cold glass of water down the back of the neck in contrast. Some examples:

You reach around the front of my dress, pulling the front of it down to expose my ample grapefruit-sized tittys.

Asside from titties being spelled wrong (I think) it doesn't jive with the rest of the stories atmosphere. Sexy nighclub, muted lights, short green dress, titties. One of these things is not like the others. In comparison, titties seems juvinile. Personally, I'd just 'chest'.

On the technical side, watch your tense and comma usage. Here's a bit of editing example for ya, but take note I'm only an ameteur editor. Other posters may feel free to comment on my technique.

I look up and am (struck dumb). She is the most exquisite beauty I have ever seen. Her wavy(,) dark(,) honey(-)colored hair cascades down her back. The green of her eyes remind(s) me of fresh(ly) cut grass. Her full lips just beg() to be kissed. I immediately (form) a mental (image) of her(,) spread eagle on the pool table (and) begging for more. I shake my head(,) trying to clear the images.

Another.

Every time I glance towards the bar, the sexy bartender is watching me. (Every time) I smile and wink at her () she blushes and drops her head. Awww… she is shy! I giggle, finding it funny that someone as beautiful as (she is) could be shy. The next time I catch her looking, I blow her a kiss. Her eyes widen in surprise, but she smiles and blows one back. I slam back the last shot. I feel myself balancing on the edge of (total inebriation). I grab my purse and rise from the chair, (none to gracefully) and stumble towards the ladies room.

Of note here is the fact that there are a *huge* ammount of sentences with 'I' in them. Granted, it is the main subject of the story, but it starts to get monotonous after a few sentences. Work on changing them up.

All in all, a pretty sexy story, but the problems with voice and a repetative 'I', along with some pretty hairy technical errors, keep it from reaching it's full 'arousal', so to speak.

-I

 

[Cyn]

Thank you Impetus. I will try to work on it. This is my first post, and yes I do believe my technique needs some work. My second post is in the pending process. The voice thing sounds like it would be intresting. Though I'm not so sure how to go about doing that.

Thanks again
Cyn

 

[Alex De Kok]

Impetus,

look again. I never mentioned first person.

Alex