Putting it all together to have a serious relationship

[Mr Blonde]

There are probably several of us in this forum that would like to end up in a long-term BDSM relationship where we are married/committed to our partner and share living space. Depending on circumstances, there might be a chance to start a family and have children in such a relationship.

Almost by definition, dominants have high expectations and can be demanding of themselves and others when it comes to major commitments. In a dominant's mind, he might have a laundry list of certain self-improvements he ideally wants to finish before undertaking a serious relationship. But if you spend your whole life chasing down all of the desirable attributes, you pass up so many potentially serious relationships. What is the point?

Even if the dominant sets aside their personal expectations, it's tough to go into a commitment without really knowing your partner's status. Is she ready? Has she really absorbed everything you have told her? Has she been introspective enough so major hassles can be avoided later?

And is the relationship strong enough? Sharing a bed a few nights each week is different than sharing living space. It can be a concern when someone looks around and sees their vanilla friends getting divorced. And some of us are "in the closet" and don't have real BDSM friends (or live in isolated regions), so they go online to see middle-aged BDSM'ers who still talk hypotheticals in late night chatrooms. That's not very encouraging.

There is a natural tendency for people who are intense and control-oriented to want to hedge their bets. Yet you can't spend your life in endless preparations and defer serious relationships in favor of lighter entanglements. There is no guarantee of ever finding the "perfect" time where things just magically come together. At some point you want to grow into a fuller commitment.

So to someone who doesn't have fantasies or unrealistic expectations, but is becoming aware of how difficult and how much effort (plus luck) it takes, how can it be put all together? At the end of the day, it is almost like a dominant has to roll the dice knowing that (a) he, (b) his submissive and (c) their relationship are not really ready for what comes next. And giving up control to such risky circumstances can be difficult.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't think there is an easy answer to this, nor even one answer, moreso a different one for each relationship....what might work with person A and B, might be different with the pairing of person A and C etc., though both may be relationships which could survive relatively happily for decades. Just as in the vanilla world, BDSM, D/s or whatever label you want to give it does not mean any relationship is going to sail smoothly into the sunset of bliss.

In fact, as happy as you can be, I am always sceptical of people who claim they never have a disagreement, unhappy thought/moment, frustration, or need to work within and for their relationship to work and remain a place they want to remain. IMO to assert it is always 100% perfect usually means there is denial, dishonesty, or one partner acting in a completely unnatural manner to give the appearance of perfection and harmony....no matter how much you love a person, you are individuals and as such will have moments that may not be perfect, some more so than others perhaps, some less, simply because you have individual thoughts, emotions, wants and needs.

Even if you are both travelling in the same direction, visualising the same parameters within that idealised relationship, there will at times be a difference in how you interpret the whole picture, how you see the realtionship evolving to that point. Those are the moments you have to be able to be honest, discuss the issues openly, listen to each other, and work together to find a solution or at least what might appear to be a solution which will suit the relationship and those within it. Often that means laying aside ego's, personal preferences, idealistic fantasies of 'how it should be', pride, and the me me me syndrome so you can appreciate the reality of your partner's feelings whether it makes sense to you at the moment or not. Difficult? Yes, but as the saying goes, nothing worth having comes easy.

As to when to know the moment all factors are favourable for a possibly successful relationship to happen, I would think the best indication is when first and foremost you know yourself, not just in happy moments but those which also are unhappy, perhaps tragic or mindblowing, and knowing you can take responsibility and survive them with or without a partner.....a partner though supportive and sheltering IMO should never be someone you seek to make your life perfect, someone to take all the burden for you both when things get rough....it is a lovely fantasy, but the load becomes too heavy at times for both Dominant or submissive to take alone.

Part of knowing yourself is also knowing those few things on the list which must exist in a partner. When you are young it is a time when you do often date a variety of people, find what you like don't like, form your own view of the world and your place in it, but once you begin to go past 30 you usually know who you are to a point whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. There is no point thinking just to increase your odds of finding a partner you will date people which will require you fitting a square peg into a round hole.....sooner or later something is going to have to give to make it fit and in the doing, break either the peg or the hole....not a great option for a healthy realtionship.

So this sounds all very clinical and easy to do? LOL, no, because the thing about love and relationships is it is not something you can formulate in a lab, explain in a logical fashion, devise the perfect equation to guarantee success, nor know when the time is right. You may know you are ready for a realtionship, but that doesn't mean any realtionship and I think this is where people misunderstand the value of that list of must have's......they think it means anyone who has all those qualities has to be the perfect partner, so reject the idea as stupid. I also think a lot of people tend to think more in visuals for the list as well whereas for me it is more about moral, ehtical and philosophical items. It doesn't mean that, but it does provide you with the basics you need of which there might be 10 or 100 people who fit the description, but only one will have that special something you recognise as being worth the risk of giving your heart and soul, not to mention the hard work it takes to help a relationship to survive through good and bad times.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

[...]how can it be put all together?

Other than the personality types involved, I don't really see this as a D/s issue. What you're asking also applies to non-D/s relationships.

Making a long-term relationship work is HARD. It's WORK. Sure, it has its rewards (otherwise we wouldn't do it), but you've gotta work at it to make it fulfilling.

A critical element is to establish open and honest lines of communication. Establish accepted rules for conflict/fighting (like no dredging up past mistakes, no name calling as examples.) Talk openly and honestly with each other about expectations, both for yourselves and for each other.

The thing about a partnership that makes it work is that it should be ENABLING. You shouldn't be in a situation of "oh, now I'm in a relationship, I can't do what I really want to do." But rather "now I am in a relationship, my partner will HELP me to do what I want to do."

That's the whole point of a relationship, and a D/s one is no different. You should know each others goals, and enable each other to grow to meet those goals.

Even in the case where you don't know entirely what you want from yourself or each other, ongoing communication can help you grow together. Keep revisiting goals and issues -- your ideas and intentions can (and do) change with time. Don't bottle up hurts or desires, but get them out there so you can deal with them productively.

If all of that sounds like work... it is. No argument. But the rewards are you end up with a partner who is there to help you, and who you can enjoy and trust and love...

There's never any guarantee it will work. Accept that. Even with the best of intentions and the best of relationships, people grow apart or in different directions. Personal changes or growth can invalidate the relationship (like one of the partners deciding they are gay, for example.) So there is always a risk.

But if you don't strive for what you want, you are guaranteed to fail. So go into it open eyed to the risk, but open minded to the possibilities. Accept that you may be hurt, but that you will certainly fail if you don't try.

 

[incubus'_sub]

These are both excellent replies. I can only think of one thing to add and that is passion, the chemical thingy that makes you both want to be together.

I have just seen a couple, very good friends, who have been together for over 3 years, separate. They matched each other in almost every respect, everyone thought them the perfectly suited couple, except me perhaps. I had heard him describe his feelings for her many times, I love her to bits, everyone loves her etc etc. Everything but I love her completely. It always worried me and yes, they broke up because that passion wasn't really there for him.

Passion slows down a bit over the years of living together, but I think it has to be there to begin with.

 

[FungiUg]

Passion slows down a bit over the years of living together, but I think it has to be there to begin with.

Agreed. If it's not there... don't even bother.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

There is a natural tendency for people who are intense and control-oriented to want to hedge their bets. Yet you can't spend your life in endless preparations and defer serious relationships in favor of lighter entanglements. There is no guarantee of ever finding the "perfect" time where things just magically come together. At some point you want to grow into a fuller commitment.

No, sometimes you just have to say...

What the fuck.

To quote Tom Cruise in Risky Business



However, you can be ready for that WTF moment--

Clean up your side of the street, in any and all ways you can. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Get your act together and work on your inner and outer selves. Find balance in your life. If your life is off kilter, then your life with him/her will be crazy. Not a good thing. If you are an addict/alcoholic, get sober. If you have unresolved mental health issues, get therapy. If you are in poor health, see a doctor. You get the picture.

So who are you really? If you have a solid vision about who you are as a submissive or dominant, great. Cast yourself on the waters and more power to you. If not, use what's available to you--books, websites like this one and bondage.com to help gel how you think about yourself. Use the tools that you've learned about to meet people safely.

So you've met someone, and commenced a relationship. Wahoooo! Damn, that's hard work. Remember that D/s is all about relationships, and not about some role playing chain you to the bed every night isn't that special
fantasy. Hard work. Progress. Contentment. Happiness. Joy.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You let it go, and start again. But to just not try? *shrugs* No joy in that.

~Anelize

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Putting it all together to have a serious relationship

But to just not try? *shrugs* No joy in that.

~Anelize

i knew i liked you for something other than your library skills and sig line.

Well said indeed.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Re: Re: Putting it all together to have a serious relationship

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You let it go, and start again. But to just not try? *shrugs* No joy in that.

~Anelize

You mean people get to just try things and see if they work???


That would imply that failure is, in some sense, "OK".





dang.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Re: Re: Re: Putting it all together to have a serious relationship

You mean people get to just try things and see if they work???


That would imply that failure is, in some sense, "OK".





dang.

Who in this world excels at every single undertaking? My point is that I refuse to carry around the baggage of things don't work for me, or things that I have no control over.

I prefer to move forward and get on with enjoying living my life!

~anelize

 

[Mr Blonde]

Thanks for the replies.

I cleared out some space in my inbox.