"Put yer head just a little forward, sir..."

[MarshAlien]

If the Golden Rule is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," then the golden contrapositive is "Allow others to do unto you as you have done unto them." In that spirit, I present, for criticism, my latest work:

Cast Adrift Ch. 01-02​

It is a departure for me, in that all of my earlier works have been romantic comedies without any underlying meaning, whereas this is a romantic drama without any underlying meaning. It is still a first for me in several senses, and I would love your feedback on how they turned out, as well as on the story in general:

1. My first attempt at a historical piece. I have tried to not only keep the characters' dialogue true to the period, but also not make the narrator's voice sound too modern.

2. My first story written in the third person. Oddly enough, all of my other stories were written in the first person.

3. My first attempt to write a violent sexual scene. It stops short of actual sex, but I would still like to know what people thought of it.

Thanks so much. I appreciate your reading it.

 

[tickledkitty]

I just read it through again. It's a good story, and I am proud to have had a part in it, however small. You've certainly left us wanting more with that ending. Aside from the comments I've already given you, I don't know what else I can say, except get busy on chapter 3!

 

[SweetWitch]

Ok, here's the deal:

Your story has wit. It has charm. What it lacks is the next chapter. Hellooooooo... Where's chapter 3? Are you too chicken to post it?

I think Danielle is, or should be, proud of this latest addition to her series. You, on the other hand, should be ashamed for keeping us waiting.

Get on the stick already! Don't make me come over there.

Molly

 

[writelove]

MarshAlien,

A good story indeed, one I will be seeking for further chapters.

It took me a page or two to allow the story to envelope me, perhaps that long paragraph at the beginning could be changed, but otherwise, I don't exactly know what to suggest.

The story definitely has the feel of the period. While I am no history buff, I have read stories in the time period and it felt right.

I wish I could be more helpful, perhaps I will read it again and more will show itself

 

[rachlou]

By the end of the story, you had me gripped.

The first sentence nearly blew it however. It just didn't work for me - it was too long and felt clumsy.

I thought Digby's 'milk fetish' was an interesting plot line. Nice touch!

The narration felt authentic and the character of Caroline was sparky enough to be likeable. I hate historical heroines who accept their fate with a stoical smile and a sniff! She had a hint of backbone which is good.

Good stuff!

 

[MarshAlien]

I just read it through again. It's a good story, and I am proud to have had a part in it, however small. You've certainly left us wanting more with that ending. Aside from the comments I've already given you, I don't know what else I can say, except get busy on chapter 3!

Thanks, TK. Although since your name appears in the acknowledgements, you're probably considered to be a member of my "cliche," as my anonymous correspondent would have it. But it was sweet of you to read it again.

What it lacks is the next chapter. Hellooooooo... Where's chapter 3? Are you too chicken to post it?

That is annoying, isn't it? I posted Chapters 1 and 2 on Friday, and here it is Monday, and I haven't got Chapter 3 up yet. I was following this one serial this spring - Chapter 27 was posted on June 16, and Chapter 28 (the end, for Pete's sake) not until July 5. Talk about annoying.

It took me a page or two to allow the story to envelope me, perhaps that long paragraph at the beginning could be changed...

The first sentence nearly blew it however. It just didn't work for me - it was too long and felt clumsy.

Openings seem to be my undoing. I probably need to write more short stuff to get some more practice. Thanks for your comments, and for getting by the first part to reach the rest of the story. I'm glad you liked it.

 

[SweetWitch]

That is annoying, isn't it? I posted Chapters 1 and 2 on Friday, and here it is Monday, and I haven't got Chapter 3 up yet. I was following this one serial this spring - Chapter 27 was posted on June 16, and Chapter 28 (the end, for Pete's sake) not until July 5. Talk about annoying.

 

[tickledkitty]

I'm proud to be part of your cliche, Marshmelly.

SweetWitch, did you steal my life? I mean, with the the exception of the new job. Although I'm not liking my job much lately either.

 

[SweetWitch]

I'm proud to be part of your cliche, Marshmelly.

SweetWitch, did you steal my life? I mean, with the the exception of the new job. Although I'm not liking my job much lately either.

So that's where I got this mess, eh? Come take it back. I want some me time.

 

[tickledkitty]

So that's where I got this mess, eh? Come take it back. I want some me time.

You and me both, sister.

 

[SweetWitch]

You and me both, sister.

I feel another crazed weekend with the girls coming up. I think we all need that.

 

[Varian P]

...I would love your feedback on how they turned out, as well as on the story in general:

1. My first attempt at a historical piece. I have tried to not only keep the characters' dialogue true to the period, but also not make the narrator's voice sound too modern.

2. My first story written in the third person. Oddly enough, all of my other stories were written in the first person.

3. My first attempt to write a violent sexual scene. It stops short of actual sex, but I would still like to know what people thought of it.

Thanks so much. I appreciate your reading it.

The dialogue is lively and, to my novice ear, at least, seems true to the era. Quite quickly, the various characters come to life, and though, so far, they fall a bit shy of becoming real people, they're engaging characters that pull me into the story.

By the end of the first Lit page, I'm feeling like I'm slogging through a lot of accounts—particularly the finances of the widow, but also, somewhat, the family history of her deceased husband. It wouldn't be too much, if offered up after I've been made to care a bit about Mrs. Stanhope and what the money will mean to her, and if it was breaking up some intense drama or action. But it's a lot to unload at the opening of a tale. I started feeling that way again with the minutiae re: the legal and financial ins and outs of her marriage and the will. The balance just seems tipped a bit too much on the side of her legal and financial situation, while her day-to-day existence, her development as a person is given comparatively short shrift.

But the plot is complicating itself delightfully, both with regard to the smarmy Digby, and that twist at the end of the chapter.

Funny, that. Although I'm intrigued to learn why he's there, and why his wife was told he was dead, I also feel like the surprise appearance of the deceased husband is the end of the story, rather than the beginning, and a lead-up to another chapter. The character we've been riding with, Caroline, is now freed of all the troubles that were set up in that first installment—the complications that might prevent her from receiving her fortune, the danger that she and her child will lose the Stanhope name and with it, respectability, vulnerability to Digby's predatory inclinations. I don't know that my curiosity about Geoffrey's mystery is enough to override my feeling like all the problems of the first installment have been resolved.

As to the violent sexual scene, I thought you handled it well. I found it to be more of a realistic take on sexual violence, despite the fetishy element, as opposed to an eroticised non-con fantasy/bodice-ripper sort of scene. Digby is repellent, and Caroline's reaction—especially her thoughts of how Digby's assault will sully her feelings about nursing her son—make the assault ugly, rather than, ahem, titillating.

I do wish he didn't get his opportunity due to her tripping and falling down; that smacked a bit of the girl running through the woods and falling down and getting caught by the monster in the horror movie cliché.

Overall, your prose and dialogue are a pleasure to read, and your crafted an intriguing plot and engaging characters.

Very nicely done.

-Varian

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read through it briefly, my only comment is why would a post-captain that has been knighted only be in command of a 5th rate ship? It would be more likely that he would be in charge of 3rd rate Ship of the Line at least.

(Rate has nothing to do with the quality of the ship, it has to do with the number of guns carried, not counting cannonades).

My other problem is with the four gun prize ship taking on a frigate (minimum of 24 guns). The frigate would have to have been in a extreme state of dissrepair, otherwise a 12 gun broadside would have taken the bottom right out of the prize ship.

If you want to read some good British naval warfare books of the era you are writing in, I would highly reccomend the series penned by Alexander Kent (his real name is Douglas Reeman, and he served in the RN during WWII, and also wrote WWII naval stories under his real name.) I can also recommend the Master and Commander series by Patrick O'Brian, and the Horatio Hornblower series by C.S. Forrester.

 

[Tribade]

I'd start with the Forrester novels and Reeman under his real name or pen name is top notch!

 

[SweetWitch]

I'm not allowed to post here anymore because Marsh is afraid that I'll take the focus off him and his story.

 

[MarshAlien]

I read through it briefly, my only comment is why would a post-captain that has been knighted only be in command of a 5th rate ship? It would be more likely that he would be in charge of 3rd rate Ship of the Line at least.

(Rate has nothing to do with the quality of the ship, it has to do with the number of guns carried, not counting cannonades).

My other problem is with the four gun prize ship taking on a frigate (minimum of 24 guns). The frigate would have to have been in a extreme state of dissrepair, otherwise a 12 gun broadside would have taken the bottom right out of the prize ship.

If you want to read some good British naval warfare books of the era you are writing in, I would highly reccomend the series penned by Alexander Kent (his real name is Douglas Reeman, and he served in the RN during WWII, and also wrote WWII naval stories under his real name.) I can also recommend the Master and Commander series by Patrick O'Brian, and the Horatio Hornblower series by C.S. Forrester.

My research told me that, toward the end of the Napoleonic War, there were too many post-captains and too few ships, so that it could very well be that a captain who was recognized for some service could still be relegated to a fifth-rate ship. But I could be wrong. It's certainly happened lots of times before.

I apologize for even suggesting that a four-gun ship could, or ever would, taken on a frigate. I had meant to suggest only that the arrival of the prize crew could have tipped the balance in the struggle between the French frigate and the English frigate. Obviously, I needed a little more precision there. I have read Forester and O'Brian, and I will have to try to find the kent. Thanks, drk (and Tribade).

By the end of the first Lit page, I'm feeling like I'm slogging through a lot of accounts—particularly the finances of the widow, but also, somewhat, the family history of her deceased husband. It wouldn't be too much, if offered up after I've been made to care a bit about Mrs. Stanhope and what the money will mean to her, and if it was breaking up some intense drama or action. But it's a lot to unload at the opening of a tale. I started feeling that way again with the minutiae re: the legal and financial ins and outs of her marriage and the will. The balance just seems tipped a bit too much on the side of her legal and financial situation, while her day-to-day existence, her development as a person is given comparatively short shrift.

Excellent points. Thanks very much.

I do wish he didn't get his opportunity due to her tripping and falling down; that smacked a bit of the girl running through the woods and falling down and getting caught by the monster in the horror movie cliché.

I should have thought of this myself. I've been very carefully trying to avoid the "trite" in this story, and I missed this one.

Overall, your prose and dialogue are a pleasure to read, and your crafted an intriguing plot and engaging characters.

Very nicely done.

Thank you very much.

I'm not allowed to post here anymore because Marsh is afraid that I'll take the focus off him and his story.

I never said any such thing. SweetWitch is my best friend in all of LitDom, notwithstanding our CURRENT FEUD, and she can post in any thread of mine any time the mood strikes her.

 

[SweetWitch]

I never said any such thing. SweetWitch is my best friend in all of LitDom, notwithstanding our CURRENT FEUD, and she can post in any thread of mine any time the mood strikes her.

That's not what you said last night while you were holding that red-hot poker up, aiming at my left eye.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

My research told me that, toward the end of the Napoleonic War, there were too many post-captains and too few ships, so that it could very well be that a captain who was recognized for some service could still be relegated to a fifth-rate ship. But I could be wrong. It's certainly happened lots of times before.

Yes, you are very correct on the too many captains and not enough ships. Usually what happened is the Captain was beached at half pay, or he would have been reduced one step in rank, and given command of the ship, probably Commander would have been his rank. Seniority at the Captaincy, and Admiralty levels meant everything. His knighthood probably would have improved his chances slightly at staying active.

I apologize for even suggesting that a four-gun ship could, or ever would, taken on a frigate. I had meant to suggest only that the arrival of the prize crew could have tipped the balance in the struggle between the French frigate and the English frigate. Obviously, I needed a little more precision there. I have read Forester and O'Brian, and I will have to try to find the kent. Thanks, drk (and Tribade).

Ebay is a good place to find Alexander Kent, and Douglas Reeman novels, or your local library.