Published a while ago . . .

[Guest]

I published this story a while ago, but didn't offer it up for feedback. Now I think I'm ready.

Babysitting

 

[lyricalcandy]

Very nice story ... I enjoyed it. I only noticed a few small gramattical things, and that's only because I was looking.

"Finally, I could her slow down as her orgasm passed."

"That's what's ice about being a young guy," Brandy slid off me. "You can stay hard for hours, even after you come."

"Yeah," Brandy moaned in agreement. She adjusted her body of give me a better angle of penetration. "Just like that."

I hunrily swallowed her small tits.

They were os tight, she had to wiggle herself into them.

These were all very very minor things, that I would be just as likely to overlook in a story of my own. Speaking of which, I recently posted my first story as well ... so if you'd like to check it out ...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98195

Lyricalcandy

 

[Rainbow Skin]

That's wonderful. I really enjoyed that. The little details like the wet spot, thinking she heard something, him grinning in private, and so on. Maybe finding the clitoris first time isn't realistic - or maybe sex education has moved on since my day ('Part thy kirtle').

Only one thing. Now, it's perfectly accurate that the kid should have nothing to say but 'Uh' and 'Yeah' and 'Dunno', or even 'Gah' and 'Gubba'; and you're quite right to give him these speeches. Hers are quite normal, so it's not like you're bad at dialogue. The thing is, repetition palls, even when the original intent of the repetition is realism. After you've hammered home the impression that he's a tongue-tied kid, I think you should stop rendering his dialogue like that. In a written scene, after all, you don't have to write out everything they say: you can partly describe it.

 

[FlyontheWall99]

Good first story JediSith. A very credible introduction to writing. Why though did you worry about feedback??? I find the best way to improve and find out where you're at in terms of your writing is to get feedback. It's not as daunting as it may seem. I think for the most part people who are negative or don't like what you've written can't be bothered to write feedback. The good certainly outweighs the bad in my experience.

Back to writing ....

Fly ...

 

[Guest]

The little details like the wet spot, thinking she heard something, him grinning in private, and so on. Maybe finding the clitoris first time isn't realistic - or maybe sex education has moved on since my day ('Part thy kirtle').

Thanks for the feedback.

The thinking she heard something leads into a second story where our hero, ex-virgin man, seduces the daughter. He runs into her in the future, when she's legal, and it turns out she was watching her mom bang him. Possibly spawning a third story where the mom and daughter have a threesome with our lucky hero. (I guess I've been reading too many comic books with the rugrat.)

I did find the elusive clitoris my first time out. Thanks to secretly reading some sex guide in one of my dad's nudie magazines. Thank God for properly researching a subject in which you are interested in. Right?





lyricalcandy I'll be reading your story later today.