Protest

[bogusbrig]

This is probably really bad because I've written it straight off without editing but I knew if I waited I wouldn't post it. It was prompted by the political thread which brought back memories of my days manning the barricades many many years ago. I would be grateful for thoughts but if you think it is too bad to comment on just post YEUK!

I'm experimenting at trying to free my writing up which is the reason I posted so quickly.




We had no destination, just a route
not left, not right, just straight on
we didn’t know where we were going
we were just going and needless to say
we never arrived

On the way our jaws ached with earnest conversations
shared beds, bitten flesh and pillow talk
bitter coffee, flat beer and stewed tea, we made sacrifices
painted banners, composed slogans and chanted
against the world we had inherited
we had youth and we were right, it was enough
to piss our parents off

Julia danced topless on the Cenotaph, each breast
emblazoned with a ‘ban the bomb’ symbol, she jiggled
at the police in an act of defiance and gave Cathy
a full mouthed kiss just to shock and prove
she could question morality if she wanted and who
the hell are you to deny a kiss when you are busy
kissing the ass of thieves, murderers and rapists
who are you with your respectability and moral indignation
to protest at naked flesh when you are happy to see it burn
and anyway, she had perfect breasts!

We spent cold nights in sleeping bags along the Thames
a colony of seals cozying up against the elements, shared
love and groping hands, it really didn’t matter, we were
flesh melting into one body, shared experience
we shared each other in the name of tomorrow
and the train journey back up north, subdued
the energy spent on rebellion and too much sex
between us became a wall, there was nothing
but to jabber through the guilty silences
how we had won yet somehow we knew
we had lost

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

you:
We had no destination, just a route
not left, not right, just straight on
1201:
Hear ye, hear ye, all rise
I could never tell an R from an L
I smile instead

Anarchists.

For starters you are diveboarding with these lines, why? I don't think it's wrong. It's a question.
There seems to be a weird rthym to this that he also gets into sometimes - thrash band spew?

On the way our jaws ached with earnest conversations
shared beds, bitten flesh and pillow talk
bitter coffee, flat beer and stewed tea, we made sacrifices
painted banners, composed slogans and chanted
against the world we had inherited
we had youth and we were right, it was enough
to piss our parents off

Here is what I would do: Try a little simple rearrangement.

....our jaws ached with earnest conversations
We shared beds, bitten flesh and pillow talk
bitter coffee, flat beer and stewed tea,
we sacrificed, painted banners, composed slogans
chanted against the world we had inherited
we had youth and we were right
it was enough

to piss our parents off

See how it feels, try this Anglo-saxon thing, because I hear this echo of beowulf yowl in your words anywa, read a bit o' Seamus Heaney?

ached with /earnest conversations (Fr) talk - Damn, it's right below it
bitten flesh,/ beds and pillow talk
bitter coffee, tea,/flat beer


we had youth /and we were right
to piss /our parents off

I'm just playing here with possibilities, what kind of tone are you looking for?

earnest conversations
pillow talk
stewed tea

might be a good forshadowing move

Just some thoughts, and a question do you rearrange the lines to get the feel?
she could question morality if she wanted and who
the hell are you to deny a kiss when you are busy

maybe
....she wanted, and
who the hell are you

or
...she wanted
who the hell are you

because I've written it straight off without editing

Naughty Lad, poetry is 90% editing

unless of course, you're a beatnik

Speaking of editing, 1201 and such. You're the Barking Dogs guy right? Did that slo fuck ever send you his Tarleton poem? Probably never finished it.

 

[bogusbrig]

Naughty Lad, poetry is 90% editing

unless of course, you're a beatnik

I'm just playing here with possibilities, what kind of tone are you looking for?

Speaking of editing, 1201 and such. You're the Barking Dogs guy right? Did that slo fuck ever send you his Tarleton poem? Probably never finished it.

I'm naughty, I admit it and I'm posturing as a beatnik too.

Now I'm up in the middle of the night editing, well, pretty much rewriting.

I'm looking for a tone that conveys excitment.

No he didn't send me his Tarleton poem and his mailbox is full and I don't have his email since my old computer died.

Thanks MNS.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

I'm naughty, I admit it and I'm posturing as a beatnik too.

Now I'm up in the middle of the night editing, well, pretty much rewriting.

I'm looking for a tone that conveys excitment.


Thanks MNS.

Well you did that, I was almost ready to take to the streets.

Yay, regime change
Oh wait
We won't get fooled again

 

[bogusbrig]

Well the excitment has got to me and I'm whacked and going back to bed and I'll check later to see if it is an improvement or a disaster.


we had no destination, just a route
not left, not right, just straight on
we had no map, we were simply going
and needless to say
we never arrived

our jaws ached with earnest conversations
shared beds, bitten flesh and pillow talk
bitter coffee, flat beer and stewed tea
we made sacrifices, painted banners, composed slogans
and chanted against the world we had inherited
we had youth and we were right
it was enough to piss our parents off

'Doesn't it bother you
that you will look back on your life
to see you achieved nothing?'​

Julia, a fresh faced beauty was reason enough
to have her as an ally and I was her rebellion
the parental chains broken on the anvil of sex
on the wall Lord Kitchener sternly looked out
and pointed ‘Have you taken your pill today?’

the trip to London was a long march
she posed as Liberty after Delacroix on the Cenotaph
a ‘ban the bomb’ symbol emblazoned on each breast
full faced in a tight embrace with Cathy
morality was but a kiss, she postured
on lips and not the ass of murderers and rapists
she scowled at respectability and moral indignation
of naked flesh, j’cuse! you are happy to see it burn
and anyway, she had perfect breasts!

the nights dosing in sleeping bags
along the Thames we snuggled against the elements
love and groping hands, it really didn’t matter
we were flesh melting into one body
shared experience in the name of tomorrow
the train journey back up north, subdued
our energy spent on rebellion and too much sex
betrayal wedged between us
there was nothing but jabber
to kill the guilty silences
we had won yet somehow knew
we had lost

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

the french, more french, well why not, off with their heads.

I guess you didn't like my Pre-Norman suggestion

 

[bogusbrig]

the french, more french, well why not, off with their heads.

I guess you didn't like my Pre-Norman suggestion

I haven't read Heaney's Beowulf. It's been absolutely years since I have read any Beowulf. Maybe I should.

 

[normal jean]

you:
We had no destination, just a route
not left, not right, just straight on
1201:
Hear ye, hear ye, all rise
I could never tell an R from an L
I smile instead

Anarchists.

For starters you are diveboarding with these lines, why? I don't think it's wrong. It's a question.
There seems to be a weird rthym to this that he also gets into sometimes - thrash band spew?

On the way our jaws ached with earnest conversations
shared beds, bitten flesh and pillow talk
bitter coffee, flat beer and stewed tea, we made sacrifices
painted banners, composed slogans and chanted
against the world we had inherited
we had youth and we were right, it was enough
to piss our parents off

Here is what I would do: Try a little simple rearrangement.

....our jaws ached with earnest conversations
We shared beds, bitten flesh and pillow talk
bitter coffee, flat beer and stewed tea,
we sacrificed, painted banners, composed slogans
chanted against the world we had inherited
we had youth and we were right
it was enough

to piss our parents off

See how it feels, try this Anglo-saxon thing, because I hear this echo of beowulf yowl in your words anywa, read a bit o' Seamus Heaney?

ached with /earnest conversations (Fr) talk - Damn, it's right below it
bitten flesh,/ beds and pillow talk
bitter coffee, tea,/flat beer


we had youth /and we were right
to piss /our parents off

I'm just playing here with possibilities, what kind of tone are you looking for?

earnest conversations
pillow talk
stewed tea

might be a good forshadowing move

Just some thoughts, and a question do you rearrange the lines to get the feel?
she could question morality if she wanted and who
the hell are you to deny a kiss when you are busy

maybe
....she wanted, and
who the hell are you

or
...she wanted
who the hell are you

because I've written it straight off without editing

Naughty Lad, poetry is 90% editing

unless of course, you're a beatnik

Speaking of editing, 1201 and such. You're the Barking Dogs guy right? Did that slo fuck ever send you his Tarleton poem? Probably never finished it.

~~~~

MNS, do you really believe this, or were you being funny...

"Naughty Lad, poetry is 90% editing"


I am wondering how often, if ever, someone here writes a poem and edits very little, and that poem is accepted and admired by the forum readers in general.

I believe that some accomplished poets here mightbe able and actually have submitted work that was written in a few minutes and posted nearly as a first draft while others have posted a quickie and it was painfully obvious. I know I have had more than a few of those....

 

[bogusbrig]

~~~~

I am wondering how often, if ever, someone here writes a poem and edits very little, and that poem is accepted and admired by the forum readers in general.

I believe that some accomplished poets here mightbe able and actually have submitted work that was written in a few minutes and posted nearly as a first draft while others have posted a quickie and it was painfully obvious. I know I have had more than a few of those....

I've had an E for a first draft poem though I've had many many more disasters. The truth is I'm lazy. I like the creativity but am repelled by the hard work. I shouldn't admit to that should I?

 

[normal jean]

I've had an E for a first draft poem though I've had many many more disasters. The truth is I'm lazy. I like the creativity but am repelled by the hard work. I shouldn't admit to that should I?

you just expressed my own dilemma. admitting our truths are how we chamge them for better ones, so I thank you...I think


ps, I also had an E for one I wrote in less than 5 minutes, late at night. it was titled-- a time of ash and ochre

after it was posted, I was enlightened by Rybka that my archaeological timeline wasnt accurate, although was not even remotely the point ofthe poem, I then pulled it and edited it out of existence. editing can suck hugely and not editing can suck even worse, I just dont know when is enough sometimes so I get frustrated and dont post what I write or even worse, just dont write

thank you for your response

 

[bogusbrig]

I'm not a prolific writer and noticed that what I consider to be my best poems, have gestated in my head for awhile before I write them down and need little editing. When I write immediately on a subject that attracts me, I tend to write rubbish and no matter how much editing I do, it will never be any good. I keep wanting to be a prolific writer that has the ability to write a poetic flurry about a pretty woman that brushed past me in the street but I find it easier to write about the philosophy and motivations of slurry.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

~~~~

MNS, do you really believe this, or were you being funny...

"Naughty Lad, poetry is 90% editing"


I am wondering how often, if ever, someone here writes a poem and edits very little, and that poem is accepted and admired by the forum readers in general.

I believe that some accomplished poets here mightbe able and actually have submitted work that was written in a few minutes and posted nearly as a first draft while others have posted a quickie and it was painfully obvious. I know I have had more than a few of those....

OK, 50%.
Head Gestation counts.

Your statements have important points, you can overedit, take all the life out of it; and some accomplished poets can put together something in minutes, the craft of genius, but most accomplished poets will at least do a little fine tuning.

 

[champagne1982]

My one and only E poem was written in about 10 minutes without the zing of the ad libitum commentary. I edited those in against all previous lessons on the "less-is-more" philosophy. I also spent about an hour researching sonata movements and playing with words to find the emotions each is to convey.

I agree, 50% gestation, 10% writing and 40% edit. Which still illustrates the Edison truth -

"Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration."​

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

the parental chains broken on the anvil of sex
You got some good stuff. I like alot of it.
I retract the after Norman crack. There seems to be something either Anglo-Saxon or Celtic about your style.


Ok, I admit my one and only "E'" only took a day. But I did think about it. May have been 33% gestation, 33% writing and 33% edit, and 1% genesis

 

[bogusbrig]

the parental chains broken on the anvil of sex
You got some good stuff. I like alot of it.
I retract the after Norman crack. There seems to be something either Anglo-Saxon or Celtic about your style.


Ok, I admit my one and only "E'" only took a day. But I did think about it. May have been 33% gestation, 33% writing and 33% edit, and 1% genesis

Hey, I hope you don't think I was critizing your comments, not at all, I take them on board and receive them gratefully.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

Hey, I hope you don't think I was critizing your comments, not at all, I take them on board and receive them gratefully.

Where would I get that? If I'm wrong come back at me. Nothing should be sacred. Except the right to leave comments.
You can critique the comments, I accept that. I had a good time reading it. I just didn't have enough time to go over the rewrite. I think you are a damn fine writer, different. I can't place your stylistic beginnings. What are they?

 

[bogusbrig]

I can't place your stylistic beginnings. What are they?

That's a difficult question because I'm not sure myself. I left school at 15 to work in the local mine and I didn't resume any education until I was 29 and that was in Holland and of course, speaking Dutch. In that time I read popular poets such as Adrian Mitchell, Roger McGough, Adrian Henri, Leonard Cohen and the Beats. It was only when I went back into education did I start reading the canon but I guess a couple of my favourite poets are Yvegeny Yevtuschenko, Miroslav Holub and Ernesto Cardenal.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

That's a difficult question because I'm not sure myself. I left school at 15 to work in the local mine and I didn't resume any education until I was 29 and that was in Holland and of course, speaking Dutch. In that time I read popular poets such as Adrian Mitchell, Roger McGough, Adrian Henri, Leonard Cohen and the Beats. It was only when I went back into education did I start reading the canon but I guess a couple of my favourite poets are Yvegeny Yevtuschenko, Miroslav Holub and Ernesto Cardenal.

Thank you, I will check them out. Your style is not common, probably a plus, as far as interest.

 

[twelveoone]

you:
We had no destination, just a route
not left, not right, just straight on
1201:
Hear ye, hear ye, all rise
I could never tell an R from an L
I smile instead

Anarchists.

For starters you are diveboarding with these lines, why? I don't think it's wrong. It's a question.
There seems to be a weird rthym to this that he also gets into sometimes - thrash band spew?


Naughty Lad, poetry is 90% editing

unless of course, you're a beatnik

Speaking of editing, 1201 and such. You're the Barking Dogs guy right? Did that slo fuck ever send you his Tarleton poem? Probably never finished it.

120% editing, hey dofus, give me a rhyme for dragoon.

hey bogue, this guy beating you up? thrash band spew? LOOK who's talking. Hey thanks for the autographed Pound book, next time check when he died.

 

[Tzara]

120% editing, hey dofus, give me a rhyme for dragoon.

"Rangoon." "Flat moon." "In tune." "I swoon."

Mostly somewhat slant rhyme, but still. . .

I think though, ahem, it's "doofus."

 

[wildsweetone]

wow an original raw poem from BB? perish the thought!

not.

 

[champagne1982]

"Rangoon." "Flat moon." "In tune." "I swoon."

Mostly somewhat slant rhyme, but still. . .

I think though, ahem, it's "doofus."

spitoon... baboon... pontoon...

 

[wildsweetone]

platoon.

sorry, i have uniforms on my mind, obviously.

 

[MyNecroticSnail]

120% editing, hey dofus, give me a rhyme for dragoon.

hey bogue, this guy beating you up? thrash band spew? LOOK who's talking. Hey thanks for the autographed Pound book, next time check when he died.

Nice to see you
not so comatose.
to the better artist, Ol Possum's got nothin on you - yer bud Ez; did you find the post-it notes? I may have another one for you on Thanksgiving. I'll forgo the forgery on this one, maybe.

Octoroon.

Comin' back?

Eve's been asking about you, maybe we should drive down to possumville

so that she can see I'm the better
looking

Road Trip