Privacy in a D/s Relationship

[Liana26]

Out of curiosity... if you're in a D/s relationship and you're a sub are you generally allowed to have privacy? Will your PYL read your email or anything like that? (Or if you're a Dom/me, how much privacy do you let your sub have?)

 

[dolf]

imho they might have a right to take my privacy...but not a right to intrude on the privacy of my friends or family, who did not choose him.

mail/email could contain someone elses private information that was intended only for me and i have no right to hand that over to anyone, even my Dom.

official mail...bills & such...sure!
xx

 

[Mr Blonde]

I feel absolutely no need to check mail, restrict friendships or monitor activities. If I think one of her friends or hobbies is lame, I'll simply just suggest she leaves me out of it.

But BDSM relationships can vary widely so it is perfectly "normal" if some dominants are very restrictive.

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm.

I think this is something you would negotiate with you Dom. It depends on how much of a control-freak the Dom is, and how much of a micro-manager. It also depends on how much control the individual sub needs.

I don't think there's a general expectation that a submissive has no privacy. In general, I never expect a submissive to give up any privacy to me. She is a person and I respect every person's right to some private space. But that's me... your mileage will vary with other Dom/mes.

 

[fallon2]

I have

NO desire to read other people's e mails or personal correspondence.
Either I TRUST her or I do not.
It is that simple . . . there is trust or there is not.

 

[catalina_francisco]

He has access to all my emails, mail, and anything else he chooses, but rarely acts on it. It is not a matter of trust, we have that.....it is a matter of my being a slave and as such I am owned completely so have no privacy, no place where he does not have ownership and full rights. It does not mean he abuses the trust or privacy of others, but he will investigate or ask about something if he thinks there is a need. It doesn't pose much of a difficulty for me mostly because we have no secrets from each other, have no desire to operate without the other.

Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

It all depends on the parameters of the relationship. It's something that get's negotiated early on just like with any limits you have. Good thread Liana.

 

[TigerClaw]

Privacy is ok but not what is generally accecpted now a days

while dating whether D/s or not I dont have any need or desire to share accounts. I can see it happening once a commitment is made.

Once the relationship was a live in or marrage I would not be comfortable with closed accounts. I grew up where any piece of mail that came into the house was allowed to be open.

I believe in openness. She should have access to my whole network. If i can not trust her I dont need her. If she is a closed personality I will not go there again, ever.

 

[s'lara]

Dependent upon the relationship really.

If that were the nature of the relationship, such as Cat's, there should be no issue as to privacy. The Dominant makes the decision as to what boundaries He/She are willing to set for the sub/slave, if any at all.

If you don't want that kind of relationship, then make that a soft limit for prospective partners. The stripping of privacy from a sub/slave is a powerful tool for gaining control. It's not for everyone.

lara

 

[graceanne]

He has access to all my emails, mail, and anything else he chooses, but rarely acts on it. It is not a matter of trust, we have that.....it is a matter of my being a slave and as such I am owned completely so have no privacy, no place where he does not have ownership and full rights. It does not mean he abuses the trust or privacy of others, but he will investigate or ask about something if he thinks there is a need. It doesn't pose much of a difficulty for me mostly because we have no secrets from each other, have no desire to operate without the other.

Catalina

Ditto for me. He can read my mail and stuff, but rarely does. He trusts me, and doesn't feel the need for that much control.

But this is the kind of thing that should have been discussed before you got into a D/s relationship.

He might insist on this kind of control just because it's part of way of domming. That's his perogative, you did agree. On the other hand, talk to him about it in a respectful manner if it really bugs you. You might also think about why it bugs you. Cause if it's just one of those 'rights' things, then it might not be worth the fight. If you square up for battle everytime he does something you don't like, he's not going to listen to you when something is really bugging you. Pick and choose your battles.

Also, you might want to try and figure why he's doing this. This might be you paying for the sins of an ex, but also have you given him reason not to trust you? If not, then when you talk to him you might point out that it's not fair for him to punish you for something you've never done.

Either way, this can be filed under one of those 'communication is essential in a bdsm relationship' things.

*hugs*

 

[dolf]

do you tell people that thier letters/email might be read by him? to me it wouldn't seem morally right....not that i'm saying you're wrong, just that i would feel wrong doing that.
xx

 

[FungiUg]

Dear Dolf,

This is to inform you that any letters you may in the future address to me may me read by me. In particular, any letters professing undying love and devotion, or containing highly erotic material are extremely likely to be read by me. Those not containing such material are less likely to be read by me.

Respectfully,

FungiUg

 

[catalina_francisco]

do you tell people that thier letters/email might be read by him? to me it wouldn't seem morally right....not that i'm saying you're wrong, just that i would feel wrong doing that.
xx

I guess for us it is a matter that most people who write or communicate with either of us see us as a couple. I know that is obvious but it has often been remarked on how close we are, how we are seen as one more so than 2 in a sense. That equates to those we know that well usually are not going to email or write something to me that is not for his eyes, and those who do not know us that intimately are not likely to be making any intimate revelations that they wish to feel are just between them and him or them and me.

I also think even amongst our vanilla friends it is a matter in their own relationships that they do not have secrets from each other so don't give it a second thought. We have been known to answer an email for the other if it happened that way, or answer someone coming on IM when the right one is not around, and they do likewise. It is not something I have had in any other relationship but it just feels right in this one, perhaps because there is deep trust and openness.

Catalina

 

[dolf]

ty catalina i can see how that would work. i suppose it's because there are so many secrets in my family and i tend to be the one who gets told things so stupid as it sounds it'd be a hard limit for me....


FungiUg you're such a perv! so...you have no interest in my bank statement???
xx

 

[graceanne]

The thing is that i don't really keep secrets from Kenny, unlesss specifically asked to. All my friends and family know this, and are ok with this cause they're like that with their SO's too. So their realy isn't anything to hide, or not hide, he knows that i'll tell him eventually, unless - like I said - i'm asked not to. And he understands then, he knows it's actualy really really hard for me not to blab to him. lol He's the only person I have trouble keeping a secret from. I jsut wanna tell him everything.

 

[Mr Blonde]

When you are close with someone, naturally there is more trust and less need for privacy. This computer is in my living room and all of my routine passwords/logins are automatically saved. Internet message boards and routine correspondance are not really high on my privacy pecking order. I lock up anything technical where someone accidently moving a semicolon might destroy a database. No offense -- just can't take chances on accidents!

Anyway, my girlfriend uses this computer and she could trawl through my bookmarks to read through my PM's at Literotica. But isn't it a matter of trust? We engage in extreme activities, we explore and share closeness for hours -- but uh oh if she sees a few pedestrian notes I share with other posters. The same would be true of a vanilla marriage -- co-mingling all finances, earnings and debts -- raising children -- but uh oh if she intercepts a mundane letter from an old university friend? LOL

But it is so hard to know what sort of relationships other people mean when they talk in this forum. Is this someone you found on the internet and haven't actually dated? Is this a guy you only see one weekend a month? Then you'd have good reason to maintain your privacy because you don't actually know the person. But if it is someone who has been sharing your bed and using your toothbrush, who has already seen you at your best and worst, what is the big deal?

 

[Liana26]

Ditto for me. He can read my mail and stuff, but rarely does. He trusts me, and doesn't feel the need for that much control.

But this is the kind of thing that should have been discussed before you got into a D/s relationship.

He might insist on this kind of control just because it's part of way of domming. That's his perogative, you did agree. On the other hand, talk to him about it in a respectful manner if it really bugs you. You might also think about why it bugs you. Cause if it's just one of those 'rights' things, then it might not be worth the fight. If you square up for battle everytime he does something you don't like, he's not going to listen to you when something is really bugging you. Pick and choose your battles.

Also, you might want to try and figure why he's doing this. This might be you paying for the sins of an ex, but also have you given him reason not to trust you? If not, then when you talk to him you might point out that it's not fair for him to punish you for something you've never done.

Either way, this can be filed under one of those 'communication is essential in a bdsm relationship' things.

*hugs*

It's not that it bothers me if he does read my email. Hell, I've got nothing to hide. He can read my diary, email, etc. if he wants but he never has. I was just curious to see what other couples thought about privacy.

But while we're at it, are any of you allowed into your Dom's personal things? He gave me his email password a looong time ago, not that I ever use it, but if I glance over at his phone to see who's calling he sometimes gives me a little growl.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's not that it bothers me if he does read my email. Hell, I've got nothing to hide. He can read my diary, email, etc. if he wants but he never has. I was just curious to see what other couples thought about privacy.

But while we're at it, are any of you allowed into your Dom's personal things? He gave me his email password a looong time ago, not that I ever use it, but if I glance over at his phone to see who's calling he sometimes gives me a little growl.

I have the passwords for his computer as well as email accounts, and am often asked to open his mail or answer his phone though am also able to do those things without being specifically given permission each time. I even have access to his former sub if I wish to email her.

Catalina

 

[sunfox]

I suppose C and I fall under the category of Catalina to a degree... we share computers and I will sometimes ask him to open my email acct for me when I'm busy and see what's there. He'll tell me who wrote, but won't read it unless I ask him to. Ditto for him.

We do have general privacy, but there are few things we actually apply that to.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i have no privacy, i can't even close the door to take a pee, lol. He has more access to my email accounts, online profiles, etc. than i do. more than a few times he has changed a password on "my" accounts and i have to ask him to find out what they are lol. these days, he gives me a bit more freedom, but in the beginning of our relationship he would often come online under my handles or even email people as me, just to make sure i was doing the right thing and staying in my place. He'll do that even now if he decides he doesn't want me having any more contact with a particular person. He monitors what websites i visit as only certain sites are permitted, and he also monitors what i post. anyone who contacts me thru any medium online...private message, instant messenger, email, etc...will have their words read not just by me but by my Master also. we even have a couples profile on alt, that i have no access to because he won't tell me the password lol.


as for my having access to his email and whatnot, i don't. He can have as much privacy as he wishes to have, but then he is Master...my business is His business, but His business is certainly not my business

 

[FungiUg]

My lover and I are now a live-in couple (just about a year in our new house!)

We are both dominant.

We have our own bank accounts, but a joint account into which we both contribute for mortgage, household bills and the like. But we pay for car expenses and groceries separately.

We both need time out, time to do our own thing, and not feel like we are in each other's business all the time.

However, there's an unwritten rule that if we want to know something, we can ask. Generally I show her or talk to her about the "interesting" bits of what I am doing anyway. She knows who I am chatting to and of my various "obsessions".

So we don't keep secrets, but we do maintain a level of privacy.

 

[silver_inari]

My lover and I are now a live-in couple (just about a year in our new house!)

We are both dominant.

We have our own bank accounts, but a joint account into which we both contribute for mortgage, household bills and the like. But we pay for car expenses and groceries separately.

We both need time out, time to do our own thing, and not feel like we are in each other's business all the time.

However, there's an unwritten rule that if we want to know something, we can ask. Generally I show her or talk to her about the "interesting" bits of what I am doing anyway. She knows who I am chatting to and of my various "obsessions".

So we don't keep secrets, but we do maintain a level of privacy.

This is pretty close to what my husband and I do, althogh sometimes it causes me problems because I know nothing about his finances, other then that he is paying off his debt well like I am. *shrug* I do need to know a bit more about what he;s doing as a general plan though, in case something ever happened to him I wouldn't be blind-sided.

As far as correspondance and email and such, he's a former computer science major. If he really wants to look at my stuff he could. But I rarely if ever put anything terribly private on the computer. I act upon the assumption that anything i put in writing could someday be viewed by someone else.

 

[TigerClaw]

L26 seeing how things progressed I decided to Post it.

I have noticed over all that opening email/im is a very serious topic. I can see the BDSM application here when you want that privacy. It can be a control issue/rule. I am seeing that in todays culture that even if the couple is in a committed serous relationship they want or have seperate personal email accounts that the partner can not read.

I am on another board comprised of late 30's to 50's and asked what they thought. It was split 60% Against Private Accts/40 % for private accounts. It seems the split is greater here "for" the privacy. Some reasons given "for" were that before the computers if you received a phone call you were having a private conversation. Your partner didnt know what you were talking about.

One difference between then and now. If a partner asked what you were talking about or who it was your partner would not get offended. Also, the phone was generally situated in a common area like the dinning room or living room.

If a spouse was cheating, just divulging family private issues or breaking trust it was harder to hide it from the other and or kids.

Mail back then was also open. The kids may not be allowed to open all the mail but the adults were allowed.

Today if you expect emails/ims to be open you could wind up in a fight. Even in D/s a sub can reverse the decision to have open accounts and/or easily open a yahoo account.

Today it is a lot easier to open a free "private" account. In the past you had to find the spare money where you could pay for a PO box or do things on the SLY. You had to recieve phone calls when your mate was asleep or out. Today you can im or email in private right under there nose while they sit a couple of feet away from you. The partner is "expected" not to inquire. It is a sign of distrusting them. The sense of being one and having the free and open relationship is no longer the standard.

If you are talking about a casual relationship I can see how Privacy can be a BDSM thing. If you are in a Live in or Marrage relationship I dont see this as a privacy issue. If you are in a committed relationship why would you want to have privacy unless something was up.

It seems as the generations get younger they want their privacy and personal space more then the older generations.

To me this seems to be more of a Privacy, Trust, Commitment issue then a BDSM issue when viewed in a committed relationship.

 

[Bandit58]

I have all of Master's passwords, and if He wants to He can ask me for mine (He has a terrible memory!) There are no secrets here, He even shares emails with me from former g/fs and ladies from Lit He is friendly with. More often than not I am reading over His shoulder anyway

Though He did manage to spring a surprise on me for my birthday a couple of months ago, by arranging a dinner date for us with a Lit couple - and I had no idea He had done that

 

[NCShin]

My submissive (when she's here) has no privacy as far as getting dressed, using the bathroom etc. I do not mess with her emails or phone calls though.

Mostly this is due to the fact that they're in japanese, so I could stare at her email for an hour and still get nothing out of it.

As for phone calls, she's only ever called her mother from my place, who I have spoken to in my very very limited and broken japanese.

I trust her 100% and while sometimes I question myself for that, thinking maybe i'm being naive, it's usually only for a moment before it passes.

She's planning our wedding in japan before she leaves everything and everyone she's ever known (except for me) to come here. I think doing that should be enough for me to give her my trust.