Princess Daisy

[ffreak]

This is the first in a series of adventures a man and his grown step-daughter. He never intended it to happen, it just did.
Tell me what you think of it.

The Homecoming

And if you like it, please vote for it.

Thank you.

-ffreak
p.s. If anyone can tell me how to find-out what the vote count is please let me know.

 

[BooMerengue]

This is the first in a series of adventures a man and his grown step-daughter. He never intended it to happen, it just did.
Tell me what you think of it.

The Homecoming

And if you like it, please vote for it.

Thank you.

-ffreak
p.s. If anyone can tell me how to find-out what the vote count is please let me know.

You did good, ffreak. I don't care for the subject matter, but it was well laid out and executed.

You can check your votes by clicking view submissions on your post page.

Keep writing!

Boo

 

[ffreak]

Thank you very much. Future submissions will probably have more participants and/or involve food and/or the beach. I hope they are more to your taste.

Love the pose - and the hat.

Oh and thanks for the directions - wow 140 views already? Wonder what they think? And I got 6 points! (like I understand the significance - but anything is good as far as I'm concerned).

 

[BooMerengue]

Thank you very much. Future submissions will probably have more participants and/or involve food and/or the beach. I hope they are more to your taste.

Love the pose - and the hat.

Oh and thanks for the directions - wow 140 views already? Wonder what they think? And I got 6 points! (like I understand the significance - but anything is good as far as I'm concerned).

Why don't you just go for the erotic- even extreme! But leave the incest out? Don't limit yourself!

And I am not slammin incest stories... I have one myself! Just try your wings on other stuff...

bondage is fun...!

that means 140 people have clicked on the page- not necessarily read it- 6 voted!

 

[The_Fool]

Hey Boo,

Did you check out his poem? I thought it was pretty damn good as well...

 

[BooMerengue]

Hey Boo,

Did you check out his poem? I thought it was pretty damn good as well...

lol Yes, I did! and Yes it is! And I was gonna say something and then I thought "Why overload the guy?" And I wondered why it wasn't caught in the daily spin when it was posted, and I decided not to touch that, so I thought I'd just whisper in someone's ear- which I have!

Poor Ffreak- he's sitting reading..saying wtf??? it's ok babe- we're gonna make you famous! lol

 

[ffreak]

I'm glad you all like the poem too.

I didn't expect such reaction. When I looked in the poetry feedback forum, it didn't look like separate posts for each poem, so I wasn't sure how to post properly.

Is there somewhere I should be advertising?

 

[angelbaby791]

Is there somewhere I should be advertising?

You're doing great, frreak!

No need to advertise. Your works/poems will say it all for you.

 

[AmericanWench]

Why don't you just go for the erotic- even extreme! But leave the incest out? Don't limit yourself!

And I am not slammin incest stories... I have one myself! Just try your wings on other stuff...

bondage is fun...!

that means 140 people have clicked on the page- not necessarily read it- 6 voted!

I guess I am confused....the man does one incest story (a topic by the way I am not crazy about myself), but he is suddenly limiting himself? Hmm

 

[hiddenself]

It was a decent, if mild, story. Certainly doesn't qualify as "incest" in my view.

You write well, although there are certain things that need more attention, such as occasional punctuation problems:

Sandra got up and stalked out of the room, for which I was thankful, I could watch the girls through the door.
Maybe:
... was thankful--I could now watch the girls through the door... (still seems awkward though).

I put my hand out toward her thigh and she slapped it away, then she untied her bottoms and let them fall.
I put my hand out toward her thigh but she slapped it away and then untied her bottoms and let them fall.
Or, split it into 2 sentences?

Also:

the girls would show-off.
I put-in a bar...
the girls would show off...
I put in a bar...

No need for a dash with verbs; it's only needed in nouns.

As for the story, as I said, I found it mild and not particularly erotic (at least not the scene w/ Daisy). But the story thread was more realistic than most of its ilk. That does not mean there were no problems though.

First, a minor comment: all the girls wore "identical" bikinis at the pool party? What, had they all gone on a shopping spree together? Or, maybe you meant that they all wore equally revealing bikinis?

I have to say that I found the first part excellent. Great character development and setup in just a few paragraphs. The whole scene that ended with Sandra jumping naked into the pool, shocking the teenagers, was very original and erotic. I would probably have exploited it by following it up with some sex scene(s) between the protag and Sandra, but your follow-up fit very well and was very realistic too.

The story problems started after the divorce and him changing his life. The story development seemed rushed and forced from that point on. If you were planning a series, it might have been better to hold off on the first sex scene with Daisy until a bit later (see my comment above re a sex scene w/ Sandra for the first chapter). But you're the writer--I'm just commenting from my reader's point of view.

But what was the biggest problem, in my view, was you flooding a certain part of your story with weak clichés. I'm referring to the massage and "accidental" porn viewing tricks. And the way you overwrote that part--her slipping in the tub, him dropping the remote, and all that... Gimme a break. Yes, you need some excuses for this kind of thing, but this was silly. I only kept reading because I was so taken with your beginning.

The subsequent sex scenes with Daisy were better but still kinda flat. Don't know exactly why, but was almost as if you were hesitating writing them--as if you weren't sure you *should* be writing that sort of thing.

Anyway, all in all, a good effort. I would read more.

 

[ffreak]

That's great - I was hoping for some actual editing comments out of this. Can I get you to look at my next installment when its ready?

p.s. I like the wounded rose.

 

[ffreak]

I don't know what to say, folks. Are these stats real? I have over 19000 views? Are there really that many readers on the site? Either the title is just right or someone is caught in a loop.

In any event thank you to all the readers and voters.

 

[hiddenself]

"Views" are simply "clicks" on your story -- they don't mean that the story was actually read (many people take a peek and then back-click). Also, there are often multiple views per person -- I must have viewed your story at least 5 times so far (twice when I was doing my feedback, twice more when I wanted to get to your profile, and once more to track down your poem).

PM me if/when you need editing. Depending on the timing and how busy I am, I may or may not be able to do it.

 

[ffreak]

Thank you, I will PM you when one is ready to edit. If you PM me and provide an email, I will notify that way.

BTW I have submitted a second poem:
Raspberry Tulips (pending)

Feel free to comment.