Pre-eurovision Red Carpet Thread

[CharleyH]

I am a Euro-newbie. I don't have my card yet, but apparently this evening I will be privvy to quite the tradition: EUROVISION. I am not sure if I should be scared, but I am told I might end up scarred, which makes me want to watch the cheese all the more!

Can someone, a follower of EV, sum up Eurovision in 50 words or less for those North Americans missing out?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Ah, the Eurovision Song Contest. So many memories, so little money to spend on therapy...

Where to begin? It's not about the music. But as you'll soon find out, if it were about the music, it would be mostly along the lines of contrived pop, marketed to appeal to pre-teens, produced in an assembly line, driven by producers, and performed by generic faceless singers, while at the same time achieving an intangible, upbeat sound, with sing-along choruses, and childlike contrived-innocence themes combined with an undercurrent of sexual double-entendre, partially due to the fact that everyone on stage typically wears a combination of street-walking and superhero-underwear-on-the-outside outfits, which is much less Madonna and much more cheesecake than it sounds.

Was that 50 words? I forgot to count.

 

[Guest]

Sounds like you're going to be scarred, Charley.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

And this year, Portugal made it to the Final, so this going to be even more embarrassing than in previous years.

 

[CharleyH]

Ah, the Eurovision Song Contest. So many memories, so little money to spend on therapy...

Where to begin? It's not about the music. But as you'll soon find out, if it were about the music, it would be mostly along the lines of contrived pop, marketed to appeal to pre-teens, produced in an assembly line, driven by producers, and performed by generic faceless singers, while at the same time achieving an intangible, upbeat sound, with sing-along choruses, and childlike contrived-innocence themes combined with an undercurrent of sexual double-entendre, partially due to the fact that everyone on stage typically wears a combination of street-walking and superhero-underwear-on-the-outside outfits, which is much less Madonna and much more cheesecake than it sounds.

Was that 50 words? I forgot to count.

Basically, American Idol?

 

[where]

Basically, American Idol?

no, eurovision is really really bad awful songs sung by people with no talent at all. You must be a total maschochist.

 

[Guest]

Basically, American Idol?

I don't watch the show - no clue.

But it does sound pretty scary.

 

[oggbashan]

It is enjoyable if you don't take it seriously.

If you do take it seriously, you'll be embittered by the biased and political voting.

The winner is the song that has the lowest common denominator and is from a country with the fewest enemies - this year.

The UK won't win.

(50 words)

 

[Lauren Hynde]

no, eurovision is really really bad awful songs sung by people with no talent at all. You must be a total maschochist.

Hey, Celine freakin Dion won the Eurovision Song Contest once.

 

[CharleyH]

no, eurovision is really really bad awful songs sung by people with no talent at all. You must be a total maschochist.

I heard they had hard criteria? Every band must have an original song 4:10 minutes and they must - GULP - use an orchestra. Even Kurt Cobain (god bless him) singing, 'Smells like teen spirit' is going to sound cheeseball with an orchestra! No?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

country with the fewest enemies - this year.

Finland again?

Taking a look at their profile photo at the official site, they do seem to have some potential to win something, and it does put TRB's sado-maso theory into perspective...

http://www.eurovision.tv/save-files/img/upload/news/2008/Finland-RESIZE-257-172.jpg

 

[oggbashan]

no, eurovision is really really bad awful songs sung by people with no talent at all. You must be a total maschochist.

That's too simplistic. Many of the artists are talented but the national process of choosing a song deprives them of the opportunity to display that talent.

Any artists whose agent suggests that representing their country in the Eurovision Song Contest is a good career move - should sack their agent!

ABBA were the exception that proves the rule. Everyone else had to live down their Eurovision appearance.

Og

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I will now start making fun of UK's representative lyrics:

Your keeping me fascinated
No I ain’t running all over town
I feel so intoxicated
I’m struggling to keep
My feet on the ground
I’m not playing girl
This ain’t no game at all
And for the first time
I’m not looking for love
So come here baby
Listen to me
I just want cha
To believe me
...​

It keeps going, but it doesn't necessarily get any better. On the up side, there are three different people responsible for writing those!

 

[jomar]

no, eurovision is really really bad awful songs sung by people with no talent at all. You must be a total maschochist.

So then...it's like the American Idol tryouts?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

So then...it's like the American Idol tryouts?

No, no, no. Imagine that after American Idol is over, all those wonderful artists, winners and near-misses alike, are eagerly waiting for that big recording contract to come. They need to do something and they need to do it quickly, before the short-attention-span-afflicted audiences that love them forget they ever existed. Enter the Eurovision Song Contest. Wearing underwear and leather slacks.

 

[oggbashan]

So then...it's like the American Idol tryouts?

Some of it is; some of it is like the worst "folklorique" entertainment your tour guide can find when he/she is really annoyed with you.

Og

 

[CharleyH]

It is enjoyable if you don't take it seriously.

If you do take it seriously, you'll be embittered by the biased and political voting.

The winner is the song that has the lowest common denominator and is from a country with the fewest enemies - this year.

The UK won't win.

(50 words)

So basically a group wearing SATIN can win and most likely will? OH! Portugal does have a chance then!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

So basically a group wearing SATIN can win and most likely will? OH! Portugal does have a chance then!

You betcha! The odds are about the same of you ever seeing an episode of CSI Miami where Horatio doesn't put on his sunglasses before the punchline.

Rehearsal of the Portuguese rep:
http://www.eurovision.tv/save-files/img/upload/galleries/2008-5-14%2019%3A31/IMG_6698-RESIZE-s925-s450-fit.jpg

 

[Weird Harold]

So then...it's like the American Idol tryouts?

Nah, most eurovision contestant actually have some talent but the process and requirement make it very difficult show that talent -- kind of like asking Cindy Lauper to sing Aida.

Of course I haven't watch Eurovision since 1975 or 1976 when I was stationed in England and the scars have mostly faded.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Kurt Cobain (god bless him) singing, 'Smells like teen spirit' is going to sound cheeseball

I hear that was Albania's concept this year, actually.

 

[patrick1]

It's important to watch on BBC if possible, then you get the benefit of Terry Wogan (an irishman) 's dry irony about the whole shebang.

Incidentally, the winning country has to host the programme the following year, which can be a poisoned chalice. Ireland once won it several years in succession, which cost the tv company RTE a fortune, so now they try desperately hard to pick a loser as their entry. The UK picks a loser as their entry because it's a national sport to do so: heroic defeat is our watchword.

patrick

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Portugal picks a loser as their entry because... well... what else is there to do?

 

[CharleyH]

Nah, most eurovision contestant actually have some talent but the process and requirement make it very difficult show that talent -- kind of like asking Cindy Lauper to sing Aida.

Of course I haven't watch Eurovision since 1975 or 1976 when I was stationed in England and the scars have mostly faded.

Well, I bet Nina Hagan could have (sang Aida for those who don't know much about eary punk) !

 

[Lauren Hynde]

3) Each performance may consist of a maximum of six people on stage. No live animals shall be allowed on stage.

 

[where]

Hey, Celine freakin Dion won the Eurovision Song Contest once.

... and your point is?

(actually don't you have to be european to enter?)