Powerless In The Face of Mortality

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm terribly sad this morning.

Some of you may remember my mentioning the sudden passing of my friend and mentor, LordScorpion, a few months ago (it was in September, after my heart attack). I think I briefly mentioned another friend whose screen name is Rick Hunter, who was fighting pancreatic cancer at that time as well.

Rick's losing the fight, they've sent him home with hospice care, and he only has a handful days left.

It's been a roller coaster. He responded so well to chemo and radiation initially. They thought they had it rolled back enough to operate but there were complications and the surgery didn't happen. The cancer bounced back, and now the dance is almost done.

And there is nothing at all that I can do. Except mourn. Mourn because I know I'm losing a long time friend, I've know Rick almost as long as I've been active in the scene... Mourn the loss of a source of wisdom and knowledge and experience I'll never get to tap into again. Mourn for his wife, whose pain and sense of impending loss must totally dwarf my own.

He taught me so much... how to do water branding to make temporary or permanent brand... how to be a firm, fair, loving Dominant, able to guide, lead, correct, and discipline without being a complete jerk and asshat. To show kindness and acceptance and patience with the curious, the new, the weekend hobbyists, and the dedicated lifestylers...

Damn it, it's not fair! And I'm in pain. The pain isn't all for Rick, part of me is feeling relief that his own pain and struggle will end soon. The pain is for the place in my heart that's already tearing, knowing he will be gone from my life soon and there is an empty place forming already.

The tears keep coming. It's hard to type, but I want to get this out of my system while I'm feeling it. Hindsight wraps things in a fuzzy sense of distance and this pain is sharp and cold and clear and keen, like a scalpel made of ice... The tears will stop soon, at least for a while. They'll come again I know.

 

[myinnerslut]

i am so sorry for how you are feeling

{{HUG}}

 

[minx1]

*hugs* My heart goes out to you Evil geoff. Last year I lost my dad to cancer and just the other day a neighbour and friend. And I know from experience that there is nothing at this moment that can be said that will even begin to offer comfort.
Knowing and loving the person you will lose and the hole that they will leave is a horrible and frightening thought. My dad was such a witty, intelligent man and a mine of information. I remember I used to panic...what if I don't remember him, what if I forget the things that he taught me and the memories that we shared. But when you are as close to someone as you are to your friend they inevitably touch you and affect you. I won't say anything too crass and talk of time healing but what I will say is that at some point, at a time not too far from now, you will realise how much of him is still with you. Then hopefully, not too long after that as I found, the focus will shift from the loss you have suffered as the empty place in your heart that you speak of is replaced with everything good and positive that him being in your life brought.
Thinking of you and of your friend and his family

 

[BiBunny]

Oh, EG, I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry. I know it's not much, but...I'll be thinking of both you and your friend. *Hugs*

 

[graceanne]

*hugs*

 

[WriterDom]

Not to be flippant, but we're all going to die. Every day 108 people wake up in America thinking they'll live forever and die in a car crash. Live in the present, because each day is a present. Be kind to strangers and love ones alike.

I love Gibran



Kahlil Gibran on death:



For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.



If you haven't read the Phophet, do yourself a favor. It's not long.



http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibtable.html



One of my favorite quotes is about love



All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.



Too many people live in a seasonless world. I don't think your friend, Rick Hunter was one of them.

 

[minx1]

Kahlil Gibran on death:

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

One of my favorite quotes is about love


All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Thats beautiful

 

[Netzach]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Geoff, my condolences, though they're inadequate.

 

[FurryFury]

Loss is one of the most difficult things we deal with. I'm so sorry.

*hug*

Fury

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I too love Gibran and would recommend him to anyone with any depth.
...and yes Geoff loss is one of the most difficult aspects of life to contend with. And why wouldn't it be being the exact opposite of what we desire.

You are in my thoughts today and please allow me to carry some of your grief.

d

I love Gibran



Kahlil Gibran on death:



For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.



If you haven't read the Phophet, do yourself a favor. It's not long.



http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibtable.html



One of my favorite quotes is about love



All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.



Too many people live in a seasonless world. I don't think your friend, Rick Hunter was one of them.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Surreal times invite strength . I am sorry you are losing your friend Geoff Sir.

~ Rebecca

 

[midwestyankee]

When you get to a certain age (and I'm there with you, EG), it happens far too often that we have to open ourselves up to mourning. Sartre said that Hell was other people. He had it wrong: Hell is losing other people who matter.

 

[DVS]

EG, I"m sorry to hear about your friend. It's hard to lose someone you've spent a great part of your life with. I lost my best and oldest friend in 1996. I'd known him since kindergarden. He died unexpectedly of a heart attack. He just fell dead in his front yard. He was 42. Nobody new it was going to happen. Even his doctor didn't notice the symptoms and suggested he see a chiropractor for his back pain.

Why am I telling you this? My friend's death was so unexpected that nobody had a chance to say good-bye. Not his wife, his kids, his extended family, nor any of his friends. On a nice spring afternoon, all of the sudden, he was just gone.

EG, you at least have the chance to say good-bye to your friend. You can also help him with any last wishes he might have. And, you can help him cope, by being there for him.

I don't think there's a good way to die, and cancer isn't easy. My friend probably felt some pain for a couple of minutes, but he died almost instantly. I guess I can take that as a blessing. Your blessing is time. Cherish what time you may have left with your friend. You'll be glad you did.

 

[the captians wench]

 

[Amora]

I'm terribly sad this morning.

Some of you may remember my mentioning the sudden passing of my friend and mentor, LordScorpion, a few months ago (it was in September, after my heart attack). I think I briefly mentioned another friend whose screen name is Rick Hunter, who was fighting pancreatic cancer at that time as well.

Rick's losing the fight, they've sent him home with hospice care, and he only has a handful days left.

It's been a roller coaster. He responded so well to chemo and radiation initially. They thought they had it rolled back enough to operate but there were complications and the surgery didn't happen. The cancer bounced back, and now the dance is almost done.

And there is nothing at all that I can do. Except mourn. Mourn because I know I'm losing a long time friend, I've know Rick almost as long as I've been active in the scene... Mourn the loss of a source of wisdom and knowledge and experience I'll never get to tap into again. Mourn for his wife, whose pain and sense of impending loss must totally dwarf my own.

He taught me so much... how to do water branding to make temporary or permanent brand... how to be a firm, fair, loving Dominant, able to guide, lead, correct, and discipline without being a complete jerk and asshat. To show kindness and acceptance and patience with the curious, the new, the weekend hobbyists, and the dedicated lifestylers...

Damn it, it's not fair! And I'm in pain. The pain isn't all for Rick, part of me is feeling relief that his own pain and struggle will end soon. The pain is for the place in my heart that's already tearing, knowing he will be gone from my life soon and there is an empty place forming already.

The tears keep coming. It's hard to type, but I want to get this out of my system while I'm feeling it. Hindsight wraps things in a fuzzy sense of distance and this pain is sharp and cold and clear and keen, like a scalpel made of ice... The tears will stop soon, at least for a while. They'll come again I know.

Oh Geoff, I'm so sorry, can I suggest that in honour of Rick you try and write down as much as you can remember of what he taught you, his words, views and opinions so that you are able to pass his ideas on to others and others can benefit through you from his teachings.

May your heart hold onto the happy memories and in time let go of the sorrow.

Blessings to you and his family

Amora

 

[callinectes]

I am very sorry Geoff. You, your friend, and his family are in my thoughts.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

THANK YOU! Everyone of you.

I'm still a bit over-run but y'all have been great.

 

[ammre]

should this fool die

let someone fond
of living lay

in this left hand


a flower whose

glory by no
mind ever was

taught how to grow

-e.e.cummings

 

[buxxxom]

Remembering you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Geoff, i'm so sorry :::huge hugs::: to You. i know losing someone You are close to, hell losing someone period is never easy, especially when You've watched them fight to live. my mom died of cancer when i was 15 years old, she fought it for a very long time (she was diagnosed with cancer when i was 11) but in the end, she lost the fight, but i agree with DVS, what you have right now, is the time to tell Him goodbye. i was 15 years old, and though i DID say goodbye to her, there are so many things i should have said that day, that i didn't. i have regrets, too many to count so please, take the precious time that you have been given with Him to say the things to Him that you need to. my PM box is always open if you need to yell, scream, cry, etc...anytime....:::::::::::::Hugs:::::::::::::

 

[Shankara20]

my to you and to your friend and to all others touched be this sadness.


I just remembered something I read by Kurt Vonnegut about death and dying - from the person who is leaving's point of view I will share it here sometime if you wish.

 

[skittles_lm]

Gosh EG, I don't know what to say except I am sorry for all of you, and my thoughts will be with you.

 

[jasonlf]

EG,

I've always had an overwhelming fear of losing those who I care about. I know what you are going through must be excruciating -- the man who has been mentoring me, I've only known him for 4 months but I don't know what I'd do if something like this happened to him.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

Oh, Geoff. These are the times when I wish I had some beautiful quote or some deep wisdom to impart. I know it's inadequate, but I'll ache for you. Although I know that it won't all be okay so I won't claim that it will, I'll long for the times when your pain is eased at least a little.

*Great big hug.*

 

[ammre]

btw: people we like dying = really blows.