Posted my first story

[shawn_web]

Hello,

I just posted my first story and would love to get some feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=376391

My goal is to improve my writing!

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Robin is about 5'10" and a size ten.
I'm 6'3" and in okay shape
36D tits

Unless your the fashionista version of Rain Man those numbers are virtually meaningless. Arabic numerals also stick out like a sore thumb, numbers that don't involves dates or times should be written as words.

This line is much better:

Now some of your guys might think that Robin is a big girl but in no way is she fat. Trust me you only wished that you were lucky enough to see her in short skirts. Her legs are toned and Robin was blessed with an amazing rack.

It tells the reader what she looks like, gives them something to fantasize about and relate to (unless I'm the only guy who's looked at a woman and wondered what she looks like in a miniskirt) and it says a bit about the narrator though the word choice.


Overall it's pretty good. I don't find Robin a particularly believable character but she's better that often shows up in a wish fullfilment story. You do seem to use exlamation marks a bit too much and there's no dialogue which means you (as the writer rather than the narrator) are driving the story instead of the characters. That can make them seem flat and inexpressive.

Congratulations on taking the dive into the thick salty waters of erotic storytelling

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think Fractal is pretty much right. All those numbers are a turnoff and Robin is unbelievable.

I think you write pretty well but you miss the gulf between story and report. I would always advise using 3rd party POV - I know there's a place for 1st person, but only if you know why you've chosen it.

This reads as if I'm sitting at a bar table as you tell me a story. I am so far away from the action I yawn.

"Sorry the object of my affection, well her name is Robin." No, if the narrator suddenly starts talking to the readers, we all head for the exits.

Again;

"I think she enjoyed allowing her short skirt to rise up her thing while I drove back to her house after shopping." Some typos can be lived with, some kill the mood.

I think you've made a good start but need to concentrate more on being a narrator and less on being a raconteur.

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[shawn_web]

thanks! I'll double check parts 2 and three for numbers. I chanced the format but its still in 1st person.

Robin is about 5'10" and a size ten.
I'm 6'3" and in okay shape
36D tits

Unless your the fashionista version of Rain Man those numbers are virtually meaningless. Arabic numerals also stick out like a sore thumb, numbers that don't involves dates or times should be written as words.

This line is much better:

Now some of your guys might think that Robin is a big girl but in no way is she fat. Trust me you only wished that you were lucky enough to see her in short skirts. Her legs are toned and Robin was blessed with an amazing rack.

It tells the reader what she looks like, gives them something to fantasize about and relate to (unless I'm the only guy who's looked at a woman and wondered what she looks like in a miniskirt) and it says a bit about the narrator though the word choice.


Overall it's pretty good. I don't find Robin a particularly believable character but she's better that often shows up in a wish fullfilment story. You do seem to use exlamation marks a bit too much and there's no dialogue which means you (as the writer rather than the narrator) are driving the story instead of the characters. That can make them seem flat and inexpressive.

Congratulations on taking the dive into the thick salty waters of erotic storytelling

 

[shawn_web]

thanks, what sucks is that Robin is a real person but my ability to capture her sucked. Well, that is something for me to work on.

I was torn between first and Third person. My next story I'll try third person. I do have parts 2-5 ready to post here so I'm sorry that these will still be in first person, but I did change the format today and will try to make the story a hotter read.

I think Fractal is pretty much right. All those numbers are a turnoff and Robin is unbelievable.

I think you write pretty well but you miss the gulf between story and report. I would always advise using 3rd party POV - I know there's a place for 1st person, but only if you know why you've chosen it.

This reads as if I'm sitting at a bar table as you tell me a story. I am so far away from the action I yawn.

"Sorry the object of my affection, well her name is Robin." No, if the narrator suddenly starts talking to the readers, we all head for the exits.

Again;

"I think she enjoyed allowing her short skirt to rise up her thing while I drove back to her house after shopping." Some typos can be lived with, some kill the mood.

I think you've made a good start but need to concentrate more on being a narrator and less on being a raconteur.

 

[shawn_web]

Thank you! I am working with a literotica Editor but I rushed the project. This was my first project and really wanted to get some feedback. I'm sure that everyone who has posted a story on Literotica wants to know if he or she has any ability to write.

I read your story and I did like it. I would suggest an editor to fix some grammar issues. I did like 1st POV.
Erin

 

[mellowgyrl]

I think I have to agree with Elf on this one. I'm partial to 3rd POV just because its easier for me as a reader to wrap my head around the story. I also think there's a time and a place for 1st POV and this story really didn't fit it. Like Elf said, it left your characters very flat and uninteresting. I found that I didn't care if him and Robin hooked up, if she dumped her boyfriend or anything. Their needs, wants and desires meant very little to me by the end of the chapter.

I'm not a fan of numbers either. The minute I see 5'10" or 36DDD or 9" cock...I'm immediately turned off because they're irrelevant. You can describe without being so literal: "Despite me being well over six feet tall I felt comfortable around her because when we hugged her head rested on my shoulder" That probably wasn't the greatest example just what popped into my head. But you see without telling the reader that she's exactly 5'10" that she's near his height and there's that sexual tension because it shows how he feels when he hugs her. Or: "I imagined her firm breasts cupped comfortably in the palms of my hands." Here again you're letting the reader know about her breasts without making them look at the tag on the back of her bra. And: "She gasped as her breath was taken from her as he entered her from behind. She wondered if he would really be able to fit all the way inside her based on how large he felt at her entrance." Again not the best of sentences but I'm working off the top of my head. Here again you can imagine how the character is sitting there trying to take this "9" cock" and its safe for the reader to assume the cock is big without having to read explicitly that dude's cock is 9".

I completely understand you wanting to get your work out there and get feedback as soon as possible. However, you do want to produce quality work that people (yourself included) will enjoy. When you take the time to have your work edited and proofed and feel confident in your work it will be reflected not only in the quality of work you produce but also in your feedback.

All in all it wasn't a bad story at all. Just have a few kinks (no pun intended) to work out! Keep up the good work - looking forward to reading more!

 

[litchipking]

Welcome to Lit

A good first draft, Shawn. You tell a good story.

I won't bother detailing the grammatical errors as you have already mentioned your rush to post and the future use of an editor. I’ll try to limit my comments to aspects that an editor may not address.

1. Story flow – Your narration, while competent, is rather choppy at times. During my first read, I couldn’t shake that oh-yeah-and-here’s-another-thing-about-Robin feeling. Even though paragraphs allow you to change direction in your story, you may want to think about smoothing out the transitions between them.

2. Dialogue – FK pointed out your lack of dialogue but I wanted to mention it as well. Robin isn’t real until she talks. Right now she seems more of a blow-up doll.
I’m not saying that adding dialogue is easy for everyone. Some stories are actually worse for their poorly written conversations. However, you should consider giving it a shot. There will always be plenty of critics here to tell you if you got it wrong.

3. POV – I'm 6'3" and in okay shape and do pretty well with the ladies…I'm two hundred fifty pounds with twenty inch arms…

This is one of the reasons that I, personally, don’t like 1st person POV. If I said this about you then it sounds complimentary. If you say it about yourself it sounds like bullshit.
I have yet to try a 1st person story. Many new writers gravitate toward it but it is much more difficult to pull off than you might think. You actually don’t do a bad job with it, but I think the story would improve with a different POV.

4. Characterization – As a writer, you can make your characters as pure or as slutty as you want. What you can’t do is do a switch on the reader and have your characters behave in a manner that goes against what we would expect them to do.
I’m not saying that you did this exactly. But the beginning of your story led me to believe that Robin was in a relationship with this guy Taylor, who “for the most part is a nice guy.” I wasn’t ready for her to flash her tits and tush or trade shots with her tongue down your throat. It’s fine that she does these things, I just didn’t see it coming.
And you, as the narrator; you are a criminal. Again, it’s okay that you set up this elaborate spying system. It certainly sets up chapter two with some interesting storylines. But I think the reader needs some hints that you aren’t such a nice guy. I mean, anyone who would set all this up to spy on a friend is actually pretty creepy.

***

As I said at the beginning of this post, you tell a good story. Now you need to work on WRITING a good story. There is a difference. You show the basic skills and you’ve already gotten advice from some of the best in Fractal and elfin and the Princess.

Don’t rush your next submission. If you listen well, I would expect your next story to be vastly improved.

Again, welcome to Lit - Chip

 

[tickledkitty]

I haven't read the story, but I feel the need to get my two cents in about first person POV. I like it. It works for me. Third person IS NOT easier for everyone. First person can be very intimate and works well for erotica.

 

[JohnBous]

I read your story and enjoyed the concept, but have some reservations about the execution. I won't repeat the very incisive observations that you have already received from some of Lit's most expert reviewers (trust me, you can learn a lot very quickly by following the words of wisdom provided by Chip and Elfin), but I would like to make an observation or two about the first/third person approach.

As you can see from the earlier feedback, both readers and writers have vastly different views as to the effectiveness of these approaches. I will admit to a preference for first person narratives for most erotica genres - but only if the character provides an extra element within the story, and only then when the character reacts consistently.

One of the biggest turn-offs for me (in all senses of that phrase) occurs when a first-person narrator interrupts the flow of the story with unnecessary exposition. Quite apart from the interruption itself, this can leave the reader feeling as if they are being lectured to, or worse, talked down to.

I like writing in the first person, but in my early efforts I displayed all of the faults that I've outlined above. Thanks to the advice I have received (from Chip in particular), I have worked hard to remove these faults and the resultant stories have received much higher average votes (4.8 and 4.65). In my latest story, Nuts to Newton, I have a young, female first-person narrator and did not write a single word describing how she looks - and yet I have received more comments about how 'real' she is than any other character I have created.

I think the lesson here is that, with a first-person approach, the strength of the character should carry the story. You certainly have a strong character (although I would add that I agree with an earlier comment about a lack of consistency with his thoughts/behavior), and with a little smoothing out of his narration coupled with less exposition, he can become a very colourful and entertaining individual.

You show a lot of promise with your story and I sincerely hope that you take on board some of the very good advice you have already received here so that your writing does justice to your ideas. I look forward to the next installment.

John

 

[CWatson]

Thank you! I am working with a literotica Editor but I rushed the project. This was my first project and really wanted to get some feedback. I'm sure that everyone who has posted a story on Literotica wants to know if he or she has any ability to write.

You do.

There, consider the permission given.

No, seriously: you're right, that is what a lot of us want to hear. It was certainly the comment I was looking for when I posted my first stuff here (5 years ago, and holy cow how time flies). When we first start out, we're never really sure if someone's gonna come up to us and go, WRITING: UR DOIN IT WRONG, and then show us exactly the wrong that we do'ed.

So let me say, very simply, that there is no such thing as "wrong" writing. You cannot write wrong. (I mean, come on--it wouldn't rhyme with "right" otherwise. ) You can, however, make bad choices in the writing. The use of the numbers is one of those. You don't need statistics to make us believe in this character's attractiveness; you can't use statistics to convince us of this character's attractiveness. Simply take a cue from Patrick Rothfuss's central character Kvothe, who is dictating his (first-person) tale to a chronicler: "To Kvothe she was beautiful. To Kvothe she was most beautiful." Simple words; and now we don't need to know Denna's bra size or inseam, because we already know: this is an exceptionally attractive girl. In our mind's eye, we see her: dark of hair, dark of eye, with a warm bright smile like the rays of the dawn, her every action like the movement of a dancer, and lit from within by the sort of glow that only the eye of a loving beholder can bestow. We understand what she means to Kvothe, which is way more important than the exact circumference (in inches) of her breasts and could not be communicated by that information anyway. To Kvothe she is beautiful--no, most beautiful. (And even more than that, we're free to assign our own cup sizes. Personally, I'm an itty-bitty kinda guy; anything C or larger is overkill to me. To have Rothfuss insist that she must have large, pendulous breasts and that furthermore I must find them attractive would really kill the mood for me.)

Now, this is not to say thay you cannot include that information about Robin in the story--especially since your semi-stalker protagonist has a chance to paw through her stuff. This is simply to say that, if you do it right, we'll already love her by the time we find out.

Personally, I like the 1st-person. I think you have a convincing voice in that perspective, which is the important part; the fact that Fractal dislikes your narrator's voice is actually a compliment, because it means the voice is working. As mentioned, the tense-changing doesn't help, but if you're thorough you can catch those things. Content-wise, this is not my kind of story, but that's a YMMV thing--and I don't have to like the story to be able to tell that it's written quite well.

You, sir, have the ability to write.

Now go keep doing it.