polyamory/open relationships

[hornychubbygirl]

I tried posting this in general topics but was surprised to find that a very unfriendly place, and was a) lectured on board etiquette because I didn't "introduce myself" and b) told to come to the GLB forum, apparently because I'm with a woman and god forbid I post anywhere other than in the gay forum. Hopefully this will be a friendlier place.
Anyway, I would like some feedback/info./advice from anyone who practices polyamory or an HONEST "open relationship". My partner and I are trying this out and to be honest, I am having some difficulty getting over the jealous and negative feelings about her fucking other women. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of her having another lover on a regular basis. I can get past the odd one night stand, but it's the regular "fuck buddy" thing I'm having difficulty with. Any thoughts/advice from those who have been there? Do you ever get over it, or is it just a feeling you have to get used to? I'm not interested in hearing from those who want to criticize open relationships, just want input from those who have been there, done that and know more about it. If you can help, thanks!

 

[long_haired_lad]

My Gf and I have an open relationship, she has at least 2 different guys she can call upon for sex, and whom she is friends with anyway. We are both madly in love, and have been together for 13 years. We're getting married next June. I think the secret is to be honest and open at all times, and to make sure all parts of the relationship, not just sex, are worked on at all times.

 

[Etoile]

I'm sorry, though not really surprised, that you had a bad experience on the GB.

My wife and I have been together about 8 and a half years, and we have been polyamorous for more than six years. Originally it was a "V" - I was seeing someone in addition to my wife - but it developed into a triad because they are now seeing each other as well.

I have said that polyamory is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and the worst thing that's ever happened to me. There is a LOT of heartache that goes along with polyamory, at least for me. But having more than one person in your life can be truly joyous.

I recommend you do some reading. A good place to start is: Polyamory? What, like, two girlfriends? which has lots of good info for people in your situation. There's also some books, like The Lesbian Polyamory Reader and The Ethical Slut that would be good reading for you.

 

[Wolfman1982]

Hmmm I would enjoy an open relationship too if there was complete honesty with it I have realised that love is not always something you only have to one person. But ok some lovely woman has taught me that. And well, enough babbling from me

 

[Guest]

Any thoughts/advice from those who have been there? Do you ever get over it, or is it just a feeling you have to get used to? I'm not interested in hearing from those who want to criticize open relationships, just want input from those who have been there, done that and know more about it. If you can help, thanks!

I'm bi and married. We have an open relationship where I have a guy on the side. She doesn't participate, but she doesn't have any problems with my boyfriend, in fact, she is the one that introduced me to him. You both have to agree to everything and everyone in order for an open relationship to work. For you to be jealous about a steady third person in your relationship and okay for one-nighters, that's very telling. You're not really ready to do an open relationship and need to be more secure in your present situation with your partner. Once you are and an open relationship still interests you both then go for it. (Mmm) have threesomes for awhile so that you're a participant to gain confidence in your partner with someone else and before you know it will be natural way of life and exciting too.

 

[succubi-tamer]

Hi HornyChubbyGirl and all

I once started this thread that I dubbed the "Ultimate Polyamory Thread" on the General Board. If you click my user name and wade through my "post history" (*sigh* you may stumble upon a lot of, umm, gonad-driven crap) you'll eventually stumble upon that thread.

The reason I cite that thread is because another Womyn/Womyn couple (if memory serves well) posted some interesting notes.

 

[tNs]

hey......perhaps what your looking for in the same city as you! Contact me of intereested in chatting.........I am 28 and open minded and super fun!

 

[sweetjain]

I had an open relationship with this guy once. I try to resist labelling, but I usually go with women. Anyway, this guy said he wouldn't crowd me if I wanted to keep dating women, he just wanted to keep seeing me. I never even asked if he saw other people. I didn't want to know. The thing is, what started off as a pretty solid feeling attraction dwindled and I'm not sure if that's because he didn't put ties on me? It's weird stuff. I would have thought that I would like that freedom, and I kind of did, but I didn't like him not minding I guess. Maybe I'm harboring stoneaged values systems after all?

 

[Etoile]

hey......perhaps what your looking for in the same city as you! Contact me of intereested in chatting.........I am 28 and open minded and super fun!

I just have to ask - did you even read the original post?

 

[John Doe]

I just have to ask - did you even read the original post?

ur a h8r.

iz that yoo in ur pic? zomgers ur HAWT!!1 pm me and wel' fuk reel nastee baybe!!111one

 

[bubbles14]

Hang in there girl...

Anyway, I would like some feedback/info./advice from anyone who practices polyamory or an HONEST "open relationship". My partner and I are trying this out and to be honest, I am having some difficulty getting over the jealous and negative feelings about her fucking other women. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of her having another lover on a regular basis. I can get past the odd one night stand, but it's the regular "fuck buddy" thing I'm having difficulty with. Any thoughts/advice from those who have been there? Do you ever get over it, or is it just a feeling you have to get used to? I'm not interested in hearing from those who want to criticize open relationships, just want input from those who have been there, done that and know more about it. If you can help, thanks!

I want to start off by saying no one will have the one true answer you are looking for. For some, poly works, for others, it doesn't. If you do decide to stick with it, know that it will have some bumpy times, but then again, you can (and will) also have the time of your life. What others have posted are true, make sure that you are honest and open w/ all members involved. This is the hardest part for me since I feel closer to one partner than the other sometimes (on certain topics) and visa versa at other times. You just need to bite the bullet and sit down and talk things through. This is true not just during the 'bad/hard times' but the good ones too. Tell your friend 'thank you' for including you in something. We all forget how easy it is to accidently make others feel unwelcomed in a group situation and a simple 'thank you' will remind him/her to do the good deed more often. I'm finding that my poly experience can, at times, be a difficult relationship, but one well worth the investment in time and energy if you are up to it. Good luck!

 

[Never]

hornychubbygirl:
"I can get past the odd one night stand, but it's the regular "fuck buddy" thing I'm having difficulty with. Any thoughts/advice from those who have been there? Do you ever get over it, or is it just a feeling you have to get used to?"

You know, I read this and I just don't get it.

I don't recall ever being jealous in regards to my lover and I don't understand this reaction. Why does the thought of your girlfriend having a sexual and romantic relationship with another woman bother you?

 

[Never]

Etoile:
"I'm sorry, though not really surprised, that you had a bad experience on the GB."

I read the thread and I'm not seeing much to be sorry for.

 

[LoboBoy]

hornychubbygirl:
Why does the thought of your girlfriend having a sexual and romantic relationship with another woman bother you?

Clearly because the fear is that when it goes beyond sex and becomes romantic, there exists a bond that may run counter to the bond already shared between the existing partner and that it may eventually eclipse the existing partnership.

My advice is, if that fear is there, it is there for a reason and you should deal with that before making steps you cannot retrace. The primary relationship should always come first, and if your partner is not OK with that then you have to ask her/him why that is?

After all, this is far beyond just having a threesome for fun. You are talking about your relationship surviving with an additional burden. Whether that burden makes your relationship stronger or acts as a drain is what you fear. That's a perfectly rational fear. My primary relationship didn't survive it.

 

[Etoile]

Etoile:
"I'm sorry, though not really surprised, that you had a bad experience on the GB."

I read the thread and I'm not seeing much to be sorry for.

You read the GB thread? Well missy, I hope you washed your hands before coming and posting over here! I've heard the GB has germs.

 

[Synnn]

Anyway, I would like some feedback/info./advice from anyone who practices polyamory or an HONEST "open relationship". My partner and I are trying this out and to be honest, I am having some difficulty getting over the jealous and negative feelings about her fucking other women. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of her having another lover on a regular basis. I can get past the odd one night stand, but it's the regular "fuck buddy" thing I'm having difficulty with. Any thoughts/advice from those who have been there? Do you ever get over it, or is it just a feeling you have to get used to? I'm not interested in hearing from those who want to criticize open relationships, just want input from those who have been there, done that and know more about it. If you can help, thanks!

I'm kind of new to practicing polyamoury- my husband and I have been in a relationship with another girl for about two months now. It's going really well for us and I know the reason for that is that we spent a *lot* of time talking about it beforehand. I knew he was interested in the idea and possibly persuing it when we got together, and I told him I'd need time to figure out how I really felt about it because I had just never thought about it. I'm glad I thought and waited and made sure I wanted to as much as I could before we did it, because it made me feel a lot more secure going into the relationship. But you can love the idea as much as you want, you still won't know if you can do it until you do it and see how you feel afterwards.

As to whether you get used to that feeling of jealousy or not, that kind of depends on a few things I guess. First, how strong is that feeling? Is it a few pangs of jealousy here and there, or is it more constant or stronger? It also depends on why you're feeling jealous- you could be worrying about things that aren't even happening. That's why communication in this type of relationship is so important. Boundaries need to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. Some couples like the idea of being able to have sex with others, but wouldn't form a deep relationship with their sex buddies. Others encourage their partners to have deep relationships with others. It all depends on what you two are looking for out of this, and you have to, have to be on the same page about it, otherwise jealousy and worry and anxiousness will crop up because of the uncertainty of the entire situation.

The fact that you say you can 'get over' a few one night stands, though, makes me wonder if you are really okay with the situation deep down. Polyamoury/open relationships shouldn't something that you 'get over', they should be something that makes you happy. I guess it comes down to something really basic- if it's not making you happy, then it's not making you happy. There will always be problems in any relationship, but if when you think about your situation you're unhappy more often than you're happy... there's a problem there.

 

[Never]

Etoile:
"You read the GB thread? Well missy, I hope you washed your hands before coming and posting over here! I've heard the GB has germs."

Don't worry, I always slap on a rubber before coming in the GBLT forums.

 

[BetweenHerLegs]

Very Individual Decision

Not much help I know, but I really want to echo the folks who've told you that there's not a simple answer to this from someone outside your relationship. My gf and I engage in threesomes fairly often, generally of the one-night-stand variety and we have a lot of fun doing it. We're also fairly open-minded to one another having little sexual liasons on our own, but we don't ever get emotionally involved with the others.

I've mentioned elsewhere that I have an ex that I was very happy with untill some things changed in our lives. One of those things was her desire to bring a third person into our relationship. I found the other woman very attractive and was willing to join them in bed if they wanted, but I don't have the emotional strength and coordination to commit to loving two people. They wanted more than I could give; they would say I was being selfish, and maybe that's so, but if so it's a selfishness which is integral enough to myself that I'm comfortable accepting it.

I wish you luck in your journey, sweetie, and hope that wherever it takes you you and those you love are very happy. Wish I could give more direction to you, but it really is an individual thing.

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

it CAN work.It depends on the ones involved,Its not just about getting off and being perveretd as some will accuse.I think if the first couple have a GREAT relationship and understand each other and what it all means,,,it can be beautiful......

 

[LoboBoy]

it CAN work.It depends on the ones involved,Its not just about getting off and being perveretd as some will accuse.I think if the first couple have a GREAT relationship and understand each other and what it all means,,,it can be beautiful......

Yep that’s how mine started. So I ended being in love with my guy and my wife of over 11 years. The thing is...both of them loved me to the point where it wasn't enough to have half. We tried...for two years.

So now a year later after leaving my family, I have every second weekend seeing my 2 little girls have a divorce pending with the woman who was my best friend for 1/3 of my life and am struggling to help my guy forget the pain and turmoil we all endured that to this day still scars us.

I say don't do it. It (I) fucked up the lives of all the people I cared and loved. There was no deception…we tried to make it work. It simply does not.
Either choose to settle with someone or don't. But don't promise until death do us part...and then go looking for someone else to add to the mix.

The kind of love where you'd say to your partner that you would die for them...and mean it...how can you have that with two partners? ...all those kinds of things ring hollow once the extra person is added. "I would die for you...except that I have someone else who depends on my love equally...so I guess maybe I wouldn't..."

Fuck buddies in a screwed up way, I can understand. The other is doomed to fail and I don’t care what anyone says. Anyone who defends it says “I used to be in one of those relationships”….yeah…past tense being the emphasis here.

Sorry if I sound bitter on the subject: I just am.

Look at it this way; it’s not “relaxed and open minded” to walk on your own carpet with muddy boots…it just shows you have no idea what it’s worth, or no regard and respect for it at all. That’s fine if it’s old and worn out…but if it’s not, you need your head examined.

 

[Wolfman1982]

LoboBoy: Take it easy, your pain is something I can feel through your writings, and if you want to talk about it, then PM me, since it sounds like you really have some high pain over it. But again, I can see why you aren´t fond of open relationships. Hey mate , you are ok. But here is a hug anyway flying over the atlantic to you from me in Denmark

 

[LoboBoy]

sorry all. I think I had a beer too many before I made that post

I still stand by what I said.

Wolfman... Thanks mate

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Yep that’s how mine started. So I ended being in love with my guy and my wife of over 11 years. The thing is...both of them loved me to the point where it wasn't enough to have half. We tried...for two years.

So now a year later after leaving my family, I have every second weekend seeing my 2 little girls have a divorce pending with the woman who was my best friend for 1/3 of my life and am struggling to help my guy forget the pain and turmoil we all endured that to this day still scars us.

I say don't do it. It (I) fucked up the lives of all the people I cared and loved. There was no deception…we tried to make it work. It simply does not.
Either choose to settle with someone or don't. But don't promise until death do us part...and then go looking for someone else to add to the mix.

The kind of love where you'd say to your partner that you would die for them...and mean it...how can you have that with two partners? ...all those kinds of things ring hollow once the extra person is added. "I would die for you...except that I have someone else who depends on my love equally...so I guess maybe I wouldn't..."

Fuck buddies in a screwed up way, I can understand. The other is doomed to fail and I don’t care what anyone says. Anyone who defends it says “I used to be in one of those relationships”….yeah…past tense being the emphasis here.

Sorry if I sound bitter on the subject: I just am.

Look at it this way; it’s not “relaxed and open minded” to walk on your own carpet with muddy boots…it just shows you have no idea what it’s worth, or no regard and respect for it at all. That’s fine if it’s old and worn out…but if it’s not, you need your head examined.

I am very sorry yours did not end well.The only reason mine ended as early on as it did,,is that the man invloved died.I wonder,,,if that had not happened,if we would still be together,,he and I,,and is she would still be around as well.We never loved her,,,it never got that far,,so jealousy or hurt feelings never came into play
It is possible I have a charmed idea of the idea since my experience was only a positive one,,,
If I ever did this again,,,it could not happen with just anyone,,i do realise that.

 

[angelkitty7888]

i feel your pain

My girlfriend and i have been involved for two years and i was always ok with her boyfriend, in all honesty i came after him so i didn't mind too much (i was the "other woman" lol)... but she broke up with him last year and i recently found out that since then she's been sleeping with a mutual friend of ours (who recently found out i'm hers too) i like him and i really have no trouble with their relationship because i know they really care about each other but i still get jealous becaus i love her very deeply but i'm very gay and she's very bi (a threesome wouldn't happen) so i always wonder lately if she's going to leave me behind for him... we get into a lot of fights about things but since the initial 'finding-out' we haven't faught about that he however hasn't dropped it quite yet and it really hurts her... and i have no clue how to help with that so it hurts me that she's hurt... but it does make our time together sweeter in its own way... i truly cherish the love i recieve from her

In other words, i love my girlfriend still and she still loves me but because she loves him too our relationship is very stressed... think very carefully about how you do a poly relationship, the biggest question is "Would your relationship handle that stressor upon it?"

 

[Etoile]

Loboboy, I'm sorry it was such a trial for you. Sometimes I think it's a miracle that my poly setup has lasted for so many years (it's been a triad for 4+ yrs and a "V" for 2 yrs before that). I'm so sorry it didn't end well for you.